


Damages I: Shock (Carlisle)

by mirqueen



Series: Damages [1]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Gen, Spiritual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-10 01:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 117,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirqueen/pseuds/mirqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In repairing the damages done to the Cullen family after New Moon, Bella reveals the depths of her complex personality and generous heart. (Canon Pairings)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stubborn

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 1: Stubborn**

Friday afternoon was just one of those days where everything seemed to go a little off the beaten track. Considering my typical experiences with ‘off the beaten track’, I really shouldn’t have been surprised. On Saturday, I couldn’t help thinking over it with some amazement all the same. As any slow day at Newton’s entitled me, my mind wandered over the events of the previous evening. I still glanced for Mike or his parents in the near vicinity, just in case, as the thoughts crowded my already-full head.

Every single member of the Cullen family had solidly onyx eyes as Friday rolled around. That was odd enough, seeing as they usually didn’t leave off feeding this long as far as I knew, but everyone’s subsequent actions the rest of the day had made it ten times as odd that they weren’t out hunting.

Edward was the only one present in classes and just this once, I strongly suspected his presence was mostly for his own sake. Somehow, he must have had the idea that I might go cliff-diving again if he even turned his eyes away for a second. By the time we made it to his house after school, I seriously wondered if he was planning to destroy my truck despite my wishes to the contrary. He didn’t, thankfully, but his agitation with my old Chevy’s speed was clear enough to make the idea seem plausible.

Rosalie was not vexed with me from what I could tell, but she would never stay in the same room as Edward and me. Emmett was still the big brother, but it was limited strictly to rather weak jokes. No bear hugs. I could barely hug even Alice. Our conversation was a much less bubbly affair than they typically were. From what Edward said, Jasper had taken immediate leave of the house when Alice foresaw me coming to visit; he was definitely skittish about potentially reenacting my eighteenth birthday. Poor Esme was sweet, but also limited to conversation rather than physical contact. Carlisle was Carlisle, which meant the interaction with him did not change; he was still the kindhearted father, husband, and doctor. But overall, I could clearly see that things were becoming very difficult for the others. It wasn’t until I asked Edward if they were going to go hunting for the weekend that I realized why.

He was, to put it mildly, quite stubborn about not leaving me again. I understood, even agreed, to some extent. My dreams and my insecurities were never worse than when Edward was absent. The problem was that he looked more eye-smudged, frustrated, and deathly than I had ever seen him. It hurt me just knowing he was struggling so monumentally all because he didn’t want to leave me alone again, even for something so important. What was worse is that the entire family felt that way about leaving me. Well, Rosalie might not have exactly felt like that, but she had refrained from leaving for a hunt all the same. This was just one of the very bad side effects of the whole fiasco with Edward leaving last fall and then the subsequent events that had taken place a little over two weeks ago. Until yesterday, I hadn’t realized just how guilty and responsible everyone felt; not just guilty for the mix-up over my cliff-diving stunt and Edward’s potential suicide, but over everything that happened from my birthday and onward. So guilty, in fact, that (as Alice reluctantly confided to me) it would probably take a couple of days hunting to actually satiate their thirst adequately. Usually, it only took several hours (if they hunted without horseplay or competition, at least).

At first, I was sympathetic to Edward’s feelings on the topic. I tried to talk to him about it, convince him I was ok, but that went over about as well as his leaving had. His keen frustration – from a lack of sustenance, no doubt – put a great deal more irascibility in his response than it should have. The resulting argument the previous afternoon was regrettable, particularly in front of the entire family, but I was not about to back down. Edward finally realized he could not dazzle, sweet-talk, irritate, anger, frighten, or guilt me out of my arguments. I wanted him to hunt and hunt he would, unless he wanted one very ticked-off girlfriend for the rest of his immortal existence. Much to Emmett’s lasting entertainment, I am sure, Edward actually backed down in the face of my blatant refusal to give in. I have rarely ever felt so stubborn, or so pleased with the results of my stubbornness.

The previous night, the entire family headed to big game hunting grounds for the weekend. Carlisle was the exception, since he had been assigned shifts at the hospital all this weekend. I wasn’t worried about him anyway. Carlisle could keep himself in check. He had been resisting the temptation from the very first moment he felt the thirst burn his throat three-hundred-and-some years ago. No one could be less worrisome than Carlisle, when it came to control. Edward thankfully felt the same, although I was still amazed that he accepted the fact that I would be alone at either my house or his for a number of hours while Carlisle worked and Charlie was out fishing. Still, without well-controlled Carlisle to stay behind in some capacity and be my protector for the weekend, my stubborn boyfriend would never have gone hunting. Edward had almost refused at the last minute, despite the plans they made, but I was forceful enough to get through his thick skull once more.

A few precautions were agreed upon before the six of them left, but for once they were ones that I was only too glad someone had thought of. While Charlie went off fishing for the weekend with Billy, for what he called a “memorial tribute” to Harry Clearwater, I was supposedly having an all-girls-weekend. As far as Charlie knew, Alice was supposedly staying back from the “hiking adventure” and the two of us were having a three-day sleepover, complete with a ride to school on Monday. Alice was ready to act up the part as always and, to my surprise, Esme had done a frighteningly accurate impression of my voice and manner of speech, in case Charlie called to check on me. Charlie never called my cell phone when I was with Alice, since he didn’t trust me not to lie about Edward being there. Odd as it might be, I often felt grateful for that. Sure, it had been annoying at first, but it was strangely useful. Alice was a much better liar than I could ever be. So, I had an ironclad excuse to stay every night of this weekend at the Cullen home, if I needed to. I could only hope Charlie didn’t get any urgent call from work for the weekend.

While the outward, sensible reasons for these precautions was to placate Charlie and to keep me safe, I knew that the real reason I agreed so easily to them was because I honestly didn’t want to sleep without knowing a vampire was nearby. Granted, my dreams had been calm for days, but it was obviously a direct correlation to Edward’s presence every night since we returned. Without him there, I feared what form my nightmares would take.

I had not been very lucky last night. Carlisle had been assigned to go to work not long after the others left the house. Thus, I was left alone in that great big house and my nightmares had no sense of mercy. Twice I woke up screaming and shaking in fear of the black shadowed forms that haunted me. After the second time, I resolutely refused to fall back asleep and so spent the night on the couch in the living room, the TV on loudly. Amazement and no small amount of relief had hit me in the morning, when I was woken from a dreamless doze by an alarm clock I didn’t remember bringing with me, warm blankets wrapped around me and a neatly packed duffle bag of my clothes and essentials sitting on the opposite couch. A little note in Carlisle’s clean, elegant script had lain on top.

 _I hope the clothes are suitable. Don’t forget your early shift._ _  
Call me if you need anything._

_Carlisle_

Unused to such outright personal care from Carlisle, I’d had difficulty reigning in my affectionate side until I looked at the clock again, realizing I would be late for work if I didn’t hurry. It was lucky he reminded me and set the clock. Bad luck followed me, however. I was still fifteen minutes late.

"Bella?"

Mike’s voice dragged me from my thoughts abruptly and back to the very place I had hurried to reach that morning. I turned to look at him as he jogged to my side.

"Sorry, Mike." I inadvertently blushed, embarrassed. He had probably been calling me long before that.

"What for?" His confusion eased the redness of my face.

"I thought you’d called me a couple times already." It was surprisingly easy to answer so truthfully for once. Usually I had to evade something or another. "I was a little out of it."

The thought of my unusual truthfulness was pushed to the back of my mind when I finally noticed that Mike’s parents were having a heated conversation in the open doorway that led to the back storage. I didn’t know how I could have missed it before. I guessed I was more out of it than I thought.

"No big deal. It happens, right?"

Trust Mike to be so easygoing about it, but his boyish features screamed uncomfortable as Mr. and Mrs. Newton moved further into the storeroom and out of my sight, only to argue louder.

"What’s wrong?" I asked in concern.

Mike opened his mouth to speak, but rapidly paled and closed his lips when a crash sounded somewhere in the back, followed by outright yelling this time. An image came to mind of the last time I had seen Mr. and Mrs. Newton argue, not that it was very often. I recalled vividly the way Mike’s dad flailed his arms as he yelled and nearly knocked a stack of hiking boots into the front display.

"I don’t really know," Mike admitted with a grimace. "They don’t fight like this a lot."

"I can go," I offered helpfully, although the day ahead speedily faded into a mass of boredom when I entertained the prospect of leaving work. I didn’t want to spend the day at Charlie’s house; my homework, emails, laundry, and house-cleaning were all finished. The Cullen house was out, too, as I knew Carlisle was working late and I definitely didn’t want to sit alone in that house again after my nightmares. That left slim options for spending my time outside of work.

"You don’t have to," Mike responded, attempting to pull off a reluctant tone of voice.

The hopeful look that he was trying to suppress won me over. He was so awkward about the situation that I didn’t have the heart to insist on staying and making it more uncomfortable for him. He was a nice enough guy, if he wasn’t trying so hard to catch my attention most of the time.

"It’s not a problem," I insisted, smiling for effect. "I have some work I need to get done anyway. Better to have more time for it."

"If you’re sure," he allowed easily and I could already see him relaxing a little bit, despite another bout of yelling from the back that made us both wince.

"Yeah," I agreed nonchalantly, taking off my vest and stepping out from behind the counter in the process. "I’ll see you on Monday."

"Sure thing." He smiled only slightly and rapidly handed me my bag from behind the counter. "Bye, Bella."

"Bye, Mike." I waved and stepped through the front door, but he was already hurrying to the back.

I shrugged and turned to walk to my truck, but typically for me, my luck didn’t hold out long enough for me to actually make it to the vehicle. A slight turn in my step and straightaway I was lying on the ground, my face stopping about two inches from hitting the rough pavement thanks to my right fist and left palm being such handy barriers. Several things hurt, but mainly my hands, arms, and knees from the impact. A groan of embarrassment escaped me and I prayed no one had seen my graceless fall. Looking up hesitantly, I was pleased to note that no one appeared to be around.

Rising from my ungainly sprawl elicited another groan, this one of absolute discomfort. Looking down at my hands, I sighed agitatedly. My left palm and the back of my right hand were covered in scrapes and cuts. Minor scrapes though most of them were, there were many of them. Thankfully, the rusty smell of my blood was almost insignificant. Sighing irritably, I realized I would have to go see Carlisle at the hospital.

Not a good day. No Edward, bad dreams, little sleep, late to work, nothing to do, tripping over my own feet, and now having to go to the hospital. My temper flared at the injustice of it all. My cell phone rang all of a sudden from within my coat pocket and I knew without looking that it was Edward. Alice had undoubtedly seen my visit to Carlisle, since I’d just decided it, and they were worried. The irritation was much stronger than I had anticipated because I snapped the phone open in my right hand with a vengeance I normally saved for far more serious issues.

"What?" I barked into the phone, ignoring the flare of pain in my hand, and I viciously hoped it startled Edward for once.

Unconsciously, I clenched my left fist, but the palm stung when I did so and I forced myself to drop the motion.

"Alice saw you at the hospital." He was immediately wary of my tone, cautious in his words. "Are you okay? Would you like me to come back?"

"I just happened to walk with my usual two left feet," I still snapped at him, surprising even myself with the lingering frustration. "I don’t see why you suddenly have to run back here, probably with your eyes still black as coal, over a few scrapes that Carlisle could handle blindfolded and senseless."

There was silence for a few seconds and I could imagine him blinking in stoic bewilderment from the other end of the line, black eyes staring at nothing as he considered my answer.

"You’re right," he replied crisply and I had the distinct feeling one of the others had thought something that they wanted him to hear. "I just wanted to make certain you were all right, Bella."

"I’m fine," I spoke through clenched teeth, every hurt in my bruised body making its presence known in copious amounts. "May I go and get this taken care of?"

"Certainly." Edward’s voice was back to its usual calm and cool manner. "I’ll call Carlisle and let him know you’re coming."

"No!" I half-shouted into the phone, fully annoyed with the gentlemanly coddling I usually liked so much. "I’m right here at the store and it’s less than ten minutes to the hospital, even if I _walked_ there! And if I wanted to call him, I could do that myself!”

"Yes, Bella, of course." His low tone was pure velvet and I knew he was being very patient with me. "I didn’t mean to undermine your abilities. Just be careful and I’ll see you on Monday."

"Hmph," I grunted the noncommittal reply, eerily reminiscent of Charlie when he was bothered.

"I love you." An amused smile just _had_ to be on his face as he said that. I could sense it.

"Love you," the words were practically torn from my throat in as close to a growl as I could manage, I was so reluctant to be nice. But I was almost physically incapable of not letting him know that he meant the world to me, even when he was irritating.

If I wasn’t so anxious to get my hands fixed up, I would have snarled ineffectually at his answering chuckle.

I closed the phone and shoved it back into a pocket, gasping as the back of my right hand brushed painfully against the lining. The stinging was almost as bad as the aching in my knees. Grimacing, I got into the truck at last and then finally parked at the hospital after a grueling five minute drive with only my right hand, since the palm of my left was useless. The nurse at the front desk, Amy, recognized me on sight, to my eternal chagrin. I didn’t realize I had been visiting _that_ often lately.

Then again, there were a number of times during the past several days that Charlie’s idea of fatherly advice and parental care had almost sent me out of the house screaming, raging, or both. He was especially tough to handle when the past several months came up in the discussion, which was more frequent than I’d have liked when it concerned my zombie stages. It was in those times that I was eternally grateful for having someone like Carlisle to talk to. Edward was great, but sometimes I just had to talk to someone who was like a father figure. Of course, it also was important to keep as much guilt off of Edward as possible. He was already hard enough on himself. Not to mention it was wonderful that Carlisle, despite his three-hundred-plus years of existence, had a distinctly more youthful point of view than Charlie. The need for Carlisle’s calm advice and understanding had led to me to the hospital many more times than I would have considered sane, under normal circumstances.

"Good afternoon, Bella." Amy smiled at me. "Here to see Dr. Cullen?"

"Yes, please." Well, at least I could be civil to _some_ one.

"He’s with a patient in the E.R. right now," she answered easily, "but he should be done soon. You can wait in his office, if you wish."

"Thanks," I answered, heading off to Carlisle’s office down the hallway to the right with more protests from my body. I was glad she hadn’t noticed my injured hands. She probably would call someone else so that I didn’t have to wait, but I didn’t want anyone except Carlisle tending to them. Anyone else might call Charlie about it. That would, in some ways, be exponentially worse than facing the Volturi again. The name alone sent a powerful shudder through me and it took all my willpower not to let the internal fear show on my face as I entered the only doctor’s office I had ever felt comfortable in. Just the knowledge that a Cullen was nearby gave me some sense of peace, pushing away my fears enough to keep me sane.

The wait wasn’t long, only about ten minutes, but I was absolutely desperate to have some relief from the hurt and growing stiffness by the time Carlisle appeared in the doorway.

One look at him and my irritation, which had been so ripe with Edward earlier, faded away almost completely. The vampire patriarch did not mesh at all with the vision I normally held of Dr. Carlisle Cullen. That being a man (or vampire) of extraordinary good looks who was calm, strong, and collected. Now, he looked downright sickly, as vampires went. His eyes were the same onyx as the rest of the Cullens’ had been just yesterday, the smudges beneath looked nearly as dark, and his skin didn’t carry the sheen of pale beauty that it typically did. More than that, the _look_ in his eyes and on his features was one of definite fatigue. Even if he really tried, I didn’t think he could have dazzled anyone just then.

"Bella, what happened?" His gentle voice seemed less steady than normal, unless it was my ears playing tricks. And couldn’t he smell the blood from my hands? Strange.

"I was clumsy again." I tentatively held up my battered hands for his inspection and a look of concern instantly covered his weary face. "My elbows, knees, and hands took the biggest blow, I think."

"You fell on the pavement, then?" The professional doctor, not the vampire, stood before me as he leaned down to inspect my hands, holding them carefully within his own gentle fingers. I was directly struck by the fact that those same fingers seemed to tremble, ever so slightly. If I hadn’t understood that vampires had near-impossible stillness and balance, I would have dismissed it as fine. Certainly, humans usually trembled that little bit every day, even when they stilled themselves as much as possible. But not vampires.

"Yeah," I affirmed in surprise, although I was watching his face while he focused on my skin, worry replacing any other feelings I had, "but how did you know?"

"The shape of the marks," he explained simply. "And there were particles left on your skin from the cement."

"Only a vampire." I let the amusement and exasperation show in equal measure.

Carlisle chuckled as he retrieved supplies from his cabinets, a tiny smile on his face, but still the fatigue was there. It was more than fatigue, though, as I stared at him. More like… weakness. It was so strange to think of a rock-hard, super-fast, super-strong vampire as fragile, but as he cleaned my injuries with an unnecessarily regular human speed, I felt that he was extremely vulnerable. I hated the thought of wonderful, compassionate Carlisle being vulnerable. It just wasn’t natural in my mind.

A thought took hold while he was bandaging my hands and elbows and it steadily grew more solid as the minutes passed. Perhaps Carlisle doesn’t react the same way to the lack of sustenance as Edward or the others? Edward turned aggressive when he needed to feed. And so did all of them, really, to some extent. But they had all fed on human blood at some point, hadn’t they? Carlisle was the only exception. Maybe that affected him differently when he needed to feed. It seemed entirely plausible that Carlisle, never having tasted human blood, had a reaction that was very similar to humans when they did not eat. That reaction was to become weaker the longer he stayed away from his source of sustenance, rather than growing more aggressive.

Until then, I didn’t realize just how much weight Carlisle carried on his shoulders, nor just how important he was to the Cullen family. Yes, he was the figurehead and the leader of his coven, but he had made himself into so much more by showing love to them and to others. In that moment, I felt a surge of smothering affection for the vampire before me. Caring for Renee for so long, as if I were the adult, had clearly forced me to think like a parent before thinking like a child.

Carlisle finished caring for my hands and I nodded my agreement when he asked to look at my knees, to which he rolled up my pant legs gingerly. Knowing that Carlisle had already seen a lot of my body while caring for me in Phoenix last year, helped to ease the little blush that crossed my face. I was pretty relieved when there were only bruises and he stood to dig out some medication that I expected was for all of my aches and pains. Another strange thing hit me then. Carlisle hadn’t once spoken to me, outside of the most basic inquiries. He usually talked casually with me, to distract me from the idea of being in a hospital. God bless him for that, even if I no longer needed that reassurance when in his calming presence.

All in all, everything pointed to the fact that Carlisle needed to hunt just as badly as the others, but for a very different reason. I had to do something about it. It would certainly help to take my mind off of the pain, for now. That had to be a good thing.

"That should do it," he murmured, setting the remaining supplies on his desk.

"Thank you, Carlisle." I smiled at him gratefully, glad of the returning smile he offered.

"You are very welcome, Bella," he replied, rustling my hair affectionately. "Now, I hate to rush you, but I have another appointment in approximately ten minutes."

Carlisle sighed quietly and tiredly, emphasizing his exhaustion ever more to my watchful gaze. Another silence stole over us, a bit uncomfortable from my perspective.

"You should have gone hunting," I said at last, trying to keep my voice as close to scolding as I could while still feeling sorry for him.

"I am fine, Bella." Carlisle smiled in obvious amusement, but the fatigue around the corners of his mouth drew my attention instead. "I’ll go once the others return and the hospital doesn’t need my help quite so much."

"They’ll always need your help, Carlisle." I felt my stubborn streak coming on again. There was something about vampires, I suppose, that made me feel especially obstinate. "You need a break. You look awful."

So much for subtlety. I could have phrased it nicer, I suppose, but it was not my day for playing nice, apparently. Carlisle didn’t seem to mind, though. He just laughed lightly, shaking his head at me indulgently and ruffling my hair a second time.

"Bella, I have been taking care of my needs for over three hundred years," he reminded me kindly, not a hint of reprimand in his voice. "I can handle myself. Besides, I need to build up my reputation again. After twice leaving the hospital very hastily in the span of one year, the administration is not very happy with me. Now, you better go. I only have seven minutes now, until my patient arrives."

"Don’t you have a lunch break?" I asked, starting to grasp at straws when I saw it was now about lunchtime. "It would look inhuman for you to skip that, wouldn’t it?"

"I am booked all through lunch, Bella," he explained simply. "No one has seemed to pay attention to it so far."

“ _I’m_ paying attention to it, aren’t I?” I felt frustrated again, furrowing my brows in absolute consternation. “And what do you mean _so far_? Have you been working through all of your lunch breaks since you came back?”

"Yes." His infinite patience was wearing on me. "I don’t see a problem. It’s not as though I have any actual use for it."

I couldn’t even bring myself to smile back at him for his humor. Even if he didn’t need that lunch break in the human sense of the term, he could have used it to somewhat strengthen himself with small game or something. The weakness he displayed was bothering me beyond reason. Certainly he couldn’t starve to death (Edward had told me that much. I hoped it was the truth, but I guessed I didn’t actually know for a fact), yet he wasn’t treating himself well.

"Carlisle—" I tried, I really did, but he waved it off with another indulgent smile and gently steered me off of the small leather couch and to the door.

"I told you, Bella, I’m fine," he insisted, still as kind as anything. "You will be at our house tonight, I assume?"

"Yes," I agreed, but I couldn’t just leave it and I attempted to turn back around in his strong grip, "but Carlisle, you—"

"Bella," his voice was firm and I huffed in renewed annoyance.

"Now I know where Edward gets it," I grumbled darkly and shrugged off his hand sharply as I turned out into the hallway.

Carlisle didn’t even chuckle, but sighed deeply. That was one sigh too many for me. I circled roughly on my heel and stalked back to him with as potent a glare as possible, ignoring the snide little voice in the back of my mind that said three-hundred-something-year-old Dr. Cullen was _not_ going to be impressed by little Bella’s huffy face.

"You," I let my anger show through in my voice and poked him hard in the middle of his granite chest, "are a mule. A kind, compassionate, intellectual, but purely infuriating _mule_! At your _age_ , you out to know better than to push yourself like this. Don’t interrupt me!”

Startled (probably by my temper and my audacity), Carlisle actually did shut his mouth and stay silent, although his eyebrows almost touched his hairline by that point.

"Edward is more mulish," I admitted turning a bit quieter in case we were overheard, "but I actually convinced him to go. And even if it takes all weekend, I _will_ get _you_ out on a hunt somehow. Even if I have to dangle my bloodied body in front of you like a carrot before a horse!”

I knew that I was acting irrationally and that for Carlisle to jump hungrily at a bloody body was about as likely as him becoming human again. He probably would end up saving me from death, actually. Still, I was really annoyed. Plus, I was worried about him. Not as much as I had worried about Edward yesterday, but it was a close second.

"Bella…" Carlisle paused, clearly stuck between horror and amusement at the last sentence, when he saw or heard something I couldn’t… "My patient is here."

I scowled at him darkly, but he just allowed a wry smile to appear on his face. If it was possible, my scowl went even darker. My heart, however, fluttered happily at the sight. He so rarely had smiled like that in the last few weeks, unsurprisingly after nearly losing his first son and companion. It was a good sight to see, but I was still frustrated. He did not comment on my heart’s activity directly, but his smile widened a fraction. A dark blush stained my cheeks and I turned away in embarrassment to find Sue Clearwater coming down the hall. I had to keep my self from cringing at the sadness that still settled on her like darkness.

"Hello Bella, Dr. Cullen," Sue smiled wanly at me and then at Carlisle. "I hope I’m not late?"

"Of course not, Mrs. Clearwater," Carlisle answered graciously, opening his office door wider.

"Are you all right, Bella?" Sue noticed my hands then, of course. Even in her grief, she _would_ notice my hands.

"I just tripped." I tried to keep my tone civil. Harry had been Charlie’s close friend and Sue was having a hard time after his death. There was no reason to be rude. "But I’m fine."

"Good." She actually did seem relieved that I was okay. "I hope you can come with Charlie on his next visit, Bella."

"I’ll try. Bye, Sue. Dr. Cullen."

I didn’t know why I called him that, but the drop in his pleasant expression made me regret it instantly. Was I really _that_ irritated with him?

"Isabella," he acknowledged me with a nod before following Sue into the office.

I huffed once more as the door closed behind them, but didn’t make a move to leave yet. I was extremely antsy from my arguing and I really did plan to have Carlisle out hunting sometime this weekend. Today, preferably, because I couldn’t stand the sight of him diminished like that any more than I had to. Without Esme here to make Carlisle take care of himself, someone had to step up.

A sudden worry stole over me that perhaps I was interfering where I shouldn’t be. Somehow I couldn’t envision Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, or Emmett taking such a big step as this. They might remind Carlisle of his needs, but him being such a prominent father-figure seemed to keep them from actually doing anything that would _make_ him take care of himself. I was in a similar position to them, wasn’t I? A potential daughter to Carlisle? A daughter who should be respecting the father-figure and not making him ‘eat his vegetables,’ so to speak? Then again, I did that same thing with Charlie and Renee all the time. It was in my nature. Besides that, I knew for a fact that Edward would be forceful with Carlisle in this instance. I was, essentially, Edward’s equal in the family. In my mind, that fact was as good as a law. I should be doing whatever Edward would do in this circumstance, albeit within my human limitations.

Walking slowly back towards the entrance, I unfortunately couldn’t think of a single thing to do that would force Carlisle to take a break and go out hunting, aside from having vampire strength and dragging him out.

"Oh, I didn’t even see…" Amy looked nervous from her position at the desk as I came closer, eyeing my hands worriedly. "I’m so sorry, I should have sent you to someone who was free immediately, but I thought you were just visiting Dr. Cullen again."

"It’s fine." Assuaging her fears seemed to be the only thing I could do right now. "He wasn’t long. They’re all fixed now."

For emphasis, I wriggled my fingers and ignored the twinge it brought. She looked relieved, sagging back into her seat a little.

"Thank goodness." She pulled loose strands of her sandy hair back behind one ear. "I’m sorry again. I hope they heal quickly."

"Thanks," I answered, thoughts traveling back to Carlisle.

Absent of further conversation, silence encroached on us. Standing there dumbly while the nurse returned to her work, I looked around for some hint as to how I could help Carlisle. If he didn’t feel such a need to help out at the hospital so much, he wouldn’t have a problem. He was working far more than what would be considered healthy for a supposed human doctor. But I couldn’t fight Carlisle himself. He just wasn’t going to give in to me and it would only be uncomfortable between us.

Nothing stood out as particularly helpful in the room, until I noticed the directional sign hanging above the hallway opposite the front doors. The word ‘administration’ stood out like a beacon in my mind.

_"I need to build up my reputation again… the administration is not very happy with me…"_

Carlisle’s words struck something within me. If the administration wasn’t happy with Carlisle leaving them so abruptly, would they really be low enough to assign him a lot of hours as a sort of payback? That was illegal, I knew, but a lot of illegal things happened anyway… Maybe it wasn’t Carlisle who was pushing his limits with these ungodly long and frequent shifts. Maybe it was the hospital administration.

Everything just fit together like a puzzle. The phone call that Carlisle had gotten last night was the final piece. It all made so much sense that my temper flared again. Immortal, self-controlled vampire or not, Carlisle was a person who was being put upon by his boss.

Now I knew how I could fight for Carlisle’s cause.

"Where’s the administrator’s office?" I asked the nurse out of the blue, startling her from her work.

"Room 189." Amy looked confused, but I didn’t reply. I just hurried down the hallway to the indicated room. Before I could reach it, my phone beeped and I looked briefly at a text message from Alice.

_Remember Charlie._

One of many times, Alice had only confused me. I was sure that she had “seen” my talk with the administrator, but what did Charlie have to do with it? I continued on to room 189, shaking my head exasperatedly. I didn’t have time to knock before the door opened to expose a man of average height with graying black hair and a thin, unkempt mustache. He was a big enough man that I had to step back to avoid a collision.

"Hello." He smiled at me, but it was generic and sterile like the hospital, in spite of his initial surprise. "What can I do for you?"

"I have a situation," I started off, keeping cool, but paused to take in his name badge, "Dr. Bailey. I believe you’re the best person to help me."

"And whom do I have the pleasure of helping?" he smiled wider, more genuinely, although his inherent arrogance downplayed the sincerity quite a bit.

"Bella Swan." I offered a hand as I spoke.

"Well, Bella," he rolled my name off of his tongue easily while shaking my hand, recognition plain on his face. I doubt there was anyone who lived in Forks who didn’t know who my dad and I were, "I was just going to take my lunch break in the cafeteria. If you don’t mind joining me, we can discuss it there."

"Sure," I reluctantly agreed to the obvious attempt to schmooze into mine and Charlie’s good graces, only the image of a vulnerable Carlisle urging me on.

I didn’t pay much attention to anything until we were sitting down at a table in the small hospital cafeteria, the entire walk resulting in a few near-trips. I decided to accept the offer of a free meal, considering I probably wouldn’t feel like cooking by the time I got back to the house. In my effort to eat what I could before our acquaintance ended badly due to my interference, there was little conversation between us at first. The inevitable couldn’t be put off, however.

"Well, Bella," Dr. Bailey began a conversation once more as he laid down his napkin, sitting back casually, though the effect was ruined when he folded his hands imposingly on the tabletop, "what situation are you facing?"

"A friend of mine works here." I took a deep breath to steady myself. "Lately, he has been working so much that he doesn’t eat or sleep properly. In fact, he’s eaten almost nothing in days, what with how often he works. I’m terrified that he’s going to collapse if it goes on."

I could only hope Carlisle’s smudged eyes would pass for sleep deprivation.

"I’m very sorry." Dr. Bailey didn’t sound as sincerely worried as I would have liked. "I don’t recall anyone being assigned so many hours. We arrange all of the shifts as evenly as possible, depending upon the position. I’ll certainly speak with him about this. Who is your friend?"

I hesitated, uncertain, and then decided I simply couldn’t tell him. As much as I wanted to get Carlisle out and hunting, I didn’t want to get him in trouble or anything. That wouldn’t be good for the Cullens at all. Too bad I hadn’t thought of that before I came in here. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t thought much of anything except that I knew whose fault it was that Carlisle was so weak.

I almost spoke my refusal aloud, when another beep interrupted me.

"I’m really sorry." I blushed a little under the slight disapproval from the administrator, a force of habit, and checked a second text from Alice.

_Tell him._

I kept my groaning and eye-rolling to myself while closing the phone again. Alice knew what she was doing, I suppose. I was conscious of the ears and eyes all around the two of us, some of which probably recognized me or my name and would certainly recognize Carlisle’s as it rolled off my tongue. To my dismay, one person that I didn’t really want to be there as I debated this was Sue Clearwater, sitting not too far away, a look of curiosity on her sad face as to my current situation.

"Um, it’s Carlisle Cullen," I answered Dr. Bailey quietly at last, my suspicions of earlier instantaneously confirmed when his eyes narrowed and he sat straighter in his seat.

"Dr. Cullen is an extremely important part of our medical team," he said stiffly, resentment of Carlisle’s importance ringing in the words. "I’m afraid his average hours have always been much more strenuous than you might realize."

"I don’t recall them being so strenuous this past summer," I retorted, my own eyes narrowed. "Or any of last year, as a matter of fact."

True, I hadn’t known much about Carlisle’s working hours until some time later in the previous school year, but I had no doubt he didn’t work as much as he did now.

"Things change, Miss Swan." The use of my last name clued me in that I had hit home base. "I don’t believe we have any more to discuss, particularly about Mr. Cullen. Now, if you’ll—"

"Oh, we have _plenty_ to discuss about _Dr._ Cullen,” I said vehemently, standing straight from my seat as I rose to the challenge with a look of pride on my face and my shoulders squared as if to do battle. “Carlisle Cullen is one of the hardest-working people you’ll ever meet. He’s compassionate, kind, generous, helpful, dedicated, intelligent, and talented. He’s an amazing doctor and an _excellent_ man. You’re incredibly lucky to have him on your staff, but you abuse his talents with inhumane hours and rude behavior. He deserves to work someplace better than here, if that’s all you have to offer him.”

"How is this your business?" Dr. Bailey was openly glaring at me now, his voice hard. "I don’t recall unrelated teenage girls having a say-so about Mr. Cullen’s career. You have no right to wrongfully accuse this hospital of mistreating its employees."

"Wrongfully accuse?" I was incredulous and furious, but now Alice’s mention of Charlie made much more sense. "If anyone knew how many hours you’ve had him working, they would be appalled! How about I tell the Chief of Police just how long Dr. Cullen’s usual shift here at the hospital is, Dr. Bailey? Last I checked, you called him and asked him to come in last night and he’s not scheduled to leave until late tonight. In addition, you’ve had him work nearly a full day, every day, ever since he came back to Forks. I seem to recall it being against the law to neglect your employees in such a way. The Chief of Police would _not_ approve!”

I was pleased to see him gaping like a fish, nothing coming forth in response to me. What _could_ he say?

"I very strongly suggest," I calmed my voice somewhat, "that you even out your staff working hours better than you have been doing and that you show more respect to your staff members. I also advise that you arrange for certain overworked individuals to be given the weekend off. Starting now, _Mr._ Bailey.”

The doctor swallowed hard and the apprehension lining his features gave me a sense of accomplishment. There was no doubt in my mind that he would do as I suggested. Messing with Charlie inadvisable. What was more, Charlie was a big fan of Carlisle’s. Doubly ill-advised. And Charlie would believe me, that much I knew. Ill-advised, three times over.

"I see your point, Miss Swan," Dr. Bailey smiled nervously, abruptly oily in his manner. "Dr. Cullen is a valued member of staff. I would hate to see him overworked like this. I shall speak with him right away. Thank you very much for your kind concern."

"Thank you for your valuable time." If the sarcasm leaked into my tone, I couldn’t really help it. "Good afternoon."

"Good afternoon." He stood shortly.

Standing as I was with my fists just now unclenching while he hurried to dump his tray and exit, I slowly realized that every eye in the cafeteria was trained on me. Awe, shock, wonder, anger, and a hundred other things were flashing on people’s faces. I couldn’t tell if the negative emotions were directed at me for my behavior or at the administrator for his. A flush, darker and hotter than I could recall for some years, encompassed every inch of skin between my eyes and my chin, barring my nose. I had just decided to bury myself in the woods for the next six months when clapping sounded from across the room. All eyes suddenly shifted to the figure of Sue Clearwater, a small smile on her face directed at me. I was shocked, but never so much as when most of the room’s occupants decided to join in the applause. Blushing furiously and tripping my way to the exit, I was barely able to open my phone when another beep sounded. Expecting another message from Alice, I was mildly surprised to find one from Edward.

_Well done._

_I love you._

The blush deepened, but a goofy grin split my face and my spirit absolutely soared. As the grin faded to a manageable level, I made my way slowly to the main entrance; blindsided by his simple affection and the congratulations I received by nurses and patients in the halls of the hospital. Even the rare unfriendly glances I received couldn’t dampen my spirits. Not everyone would agree with my outburst. That I had expected.

My phone rang as I neared Amy, where she turned back to face me, and I just returned her contagious smile as I picked up the call.

"Hello?" I spoke into the phone, but was quickly overridden by a very loud Charlie.

"Great job, Bells!" He was half-shouting into the receiver and I winced. I’d have bet that he could be heard halfway across the continental U.S. "You make an old man proud!"

"Um, thanks," I said louder, half-smiling in bewilderment and holding the phone away from my ear in an effort to save what little hearing I had left, "but how did you find out?"

"Sue, of course!" I could hear the big grin in his voice. "She was so impressed that she called me after you walked out of the room. I gotta say, kiddo, I didn’t know you had that in you. But today you proved me completely wrong."

"Um, that’s… great." I didn’t really know what to say as I made my way past the desk, but after all the praise I was sure I was floating on clouds.

When I thought I couldn’t get any lighter I glanced over to find that Carlisle, in his typical blue dress shirt and black slacks, had appeared off to my left, standing stock still in the middle of the hall that led to his office. His expression was unreadable, but he held his laptop bag in one hand and a black jacket in the other. I chewed my lip in anxiety, heart racing as I tried to imagine what he thought of my display in the cafeteria. Even more nerve-wracking, what did he think of what I said of him? Was it too much? Did I mess something up by being so fervent in his defense? Edward didn’t seem to think so… Charlie’s loud voice drew me back to the phone, but I couldn’t drag my eyes away from Carlisle as he made his way over to me at a normal human pace, finally stopping about two feet from me in front of the main doors. More accurately, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his shoulder. It seemed safer than looking directly in his eyes.

"Well, I know you’re probably waiting to go and have fun with Alice." Charlie was happier than I’d heard him in a while. "I’ll let you go, but you’d better believe how proud I am of you, Bells. Carlisle’s a good man and you were brave to stand up for the right thing."

"Thanks, dad," I responded a little embarrassedly, knowing Carlisle had heard every word. "You better get back to the fish. Billy’s probably catching all the good ones."

"Oh well." Charlie had never before cared so little about his fishing record and I was a little touched. "I’ll make up for it by bragging my girl up every chance I get."

"Maybe you shouldn’t do that," I panicked a little, taking my eyes off of Carlisle and thinking about Jacob and how the news would affect him. I meant every word I’d said in the cafeteria, but things were tense enough without adding this extra evidence of how much I cared about my vampire friends.

"Don’t be ridiculous, Bells." Charlie wasn’t going to be swayed from what I could tell. "Billy and me can take it."

I could smell the sweet scent that was Carlisle, so similar to Edward and yet different, right next to me. Good grief, was he breathing on me purposely? I was nervous enough already. My teeth found my lower lip again as I glanced back at the steely, blue-clad shoulder that had been my target a moment ago.

"Sure thing," I gave in resignedly. "Have fun."

"You too, kiddo," he enthused, probably still smiling himself silly. "See you on Monday."

"Bye," I ended a little reluctantly, just as the line went dead.

Unexpected cold on the small of my back startled me enough that I jumped, but Carlisle simply led me out of the hospital at a brisk pace towards his black Mercedes. Looking fondly back to my truck from beneath a curtain of dark hair, I settled into the passenger seat with a resigned sigh to whatever lecture he had in mind. Carlisle slid into the driver’s side and we were soon heading in a direction unknown to me. His speeds were only slightly less frightening than Edward’s, but admittedly I still felt safe.

The lecture he was planning seemed to be very bad indeed. I couldn’t imagine why else he would be silent that long. The tension grew until I was almost trembling with repressed nerves. He had to have noticed, but he still said nothing. Every time I was prepared to break the silence, my throat closed in on me and I ended up saying nothing either.

Finally he stopped the car and I looked out of the windows to see a densely wooded area that I did not recognize looming around us.

"Um… where are we?" I ventured very quietly.

"Southeast of Forks." The gentle voice I knew was there, but it was a touch edgy. "About ten miles."

"Whoa," I murmured in surprise, still amazed at how far the vampires could drive in such a short time.

Carlisle cut the near-silent engine and handed the keys out to me, offering them silently without looking at me.

"Stay here," he intoned calmly, but his even in his quiet he was commanding. "Lock the doors, get into the driver’s seat, start the car, and be ready to drive."

I blinked, fear coiling within me, but took the proffered keys with a slightly shaking hand. Carlisle reached into the back almost blindly, took a neatly bound pack in hand, and got out of the car. There was a blur of movement and he was gone. I sat momentarily, still a little stunned and unable to contemplate what we were doing out here that required such precautions, but his instructions penetrated my head a minute later. I locked the doors without hesitation and climbed over the center compartment to sit in the driver’s seat. It was very cold, probably from Carlisle, but I ignored the fact in favor of starting the engine.

The minutes passed slower than they should have, or so it felt to me. All the same, thirty minutes did pass, in silence, my knuckles probably whitening gradually beneath the bandages as I gripped the steering wheel.

Somehow, in spite of my anxiety, forty minutes later I found myself starting awake from the same nightmarish events that plagued me the night before with my heart racing and my breath hitching. Carlisle still wasn’t back and my fears grew exponentially with every sound that I heard outside the car. I probably drew blood on my lip from biting it, but the sting simply didn’t register in my fearful haze. Another fifteen minutes crawled past me with ever-increasing terror before a gentle tapping at the driver’s side window startled me into shrieking, but I turned with utter relief to find Carlisle standing there looking unbelievably apologetic.

Unlocking the doors probably took me a full minute because my hands were shaking so badly. Carlisle, on the other hand, had the door open, the seat lowered, me in his arms, and the door closed again all in the span of about five seconds. He held me in his cold embrace as tightly as he could without crushing me and leaned us both down on our sides, murmuring nonsensical platitudes into my hair. I clung to him with as much strength as I could muster, my arms tightly wound around his midsection and my head tucked up under the crook of his neck. I was ashamed to find tears rolling down my face. The comfort of his cold arms and the smell of him brought me calmness within a few minutes. As the tears ceased to flow and my shaking was reduced to gentle trembling, I could feel him swiping away the last vestiges of wetness on my face.

"Bella, I am terribly sorry," Carlisle spoke into my hair guiltily, running cold fingers through my dark waves soothingly. "I can only say I was not quite myself when I left a little while ago. It is a poor excuse, I realize, but I never meant to frighten you so."

"It wasn’t you," I croaked, clearing my throat in embarrassment. "I dozed and…"

Suddenly my fears felt so stupid. It was just a foolish dream, no matter how real if felt.

"What is it, Bella?" Carlisle was ever so gentle in the asking.

"A dream," I admitted, breathing in his scent to ease the raw fear that the dreams always brought on, even when I was wide awake in broad daylight. "Just a dream."

"It looked like more than _just_ a dream.” There was no scolding in his tone, only kindness as always. “You were positively terrified. Your heart was very nearly racing out of your body when I came back.”

"I… it was really bad," the confession forced its way out of me, the words muffled against his stony chest, "but I’m better now. Thank you."

"I should not have brought you with me like this," the guilt still pressed on his voice, but I then noticed that the fragility I had heard earlier was gone, "but I did not want to have you any further from me than was necessary."

"Why not?" curiosity overcame me, although I didn’t look up.

"Well, to be honest," Carlisle sounded sheepish, even embarrassed, "when I delay feeding for so long, my protective instincts can become rather overbearing. When I heard you arguing with Dr. Bailey about me, I felt like I needed to protect you. So I decided to take you with me. It was a rash decision. The only reason I did so was because no one was there to talk much sense into me."

"That’s such a… _Carlisle_ thing to do,” I laughed, I couldn’t help it. It felt so much better than crying.

"I suppose so," he chuckled with me and ruffled my hair affectionately yet tenderly for the third time that day.

"So you really hunted, then?" I questioned, still keeping my head beneath his chin. I didn’t have the energy to check his eye color.

"Yes, I did," he assured me with a squeeze around my shoulders. "Now let’s go home."

I was about to move back into my side of the car, but Carlisle moved me in the blink of an eye and raised his seat again. As I buckled in, he turned us back around and returned to Forks in excellent time. For once, I wasn’t all that worried about the speed, just the comfortably silent company.

* * *

 


	2. Sensitive

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

If you’ve never heard of the games mentioned herein, please do look them up. Especially Jenga, Pick-up Sticks, Trivial Pursuit, and Aggravation. As for the Trivial Pursuit questions later on, I really did use questions from the actual game. I didn’t make them up. When the game questions are being asked, the question itself will beitalicized.

> **Chapter 2: Sensitive**

The white house entered my vision just as we pulled up to it in the early afternoon sun (clouded though it was) and I felt relieved to be back. Carlisle walked by my side at a very human speed up to the front door, his step light and graceful as it normally was. Stepping inside ahead of him, I felt a little blush creep onto my face when I spotted the things I had left splayed all over the two couches. He just chuckled, however, the sound pleasant to my ears. In a flash, I saw the things neatened and packed away as if they had never been touched and Carlisle standing there looking amused.

"Okay," I said with a roll of my eyes. "That was kind of annoying, but thanks."

"It’s the least I can do," he shrugged gracefully, voice still filled with regret from our venture. "Have you eaten?"

"Yeah, at the hospital." The memory of Dr. Bailey rushed back to me vividly. "He insisted."

"I imagine this was before the _discussion_ took place,” Carlisle rightly guessed, gesturing for us to sit on one of the couches.

"Yeah." I grimaced at the memory a little and settled beside him, tucking my legs under me and leaning against the back of the couch. Bailey was a little offensive, if anyone ever asked me. "At first, I think he was just kissing up because Charlie’s my dad."

"It is likely," Carlisle admitted with a sigh. "Stephen Bailey certainly enjoys winning brownie points where he can."

"Stephen." I wrinkled my nose at that. "Dr. Stephen Bailey…"

I ran the name over in my head, trying to find a redeeming sound in it, but nothing was coming to me.

"I don’t like it," I said irritably, shaking my head at the man’s infernal arrogance. "It doesn’t have the same ring as Dr. Carlisle Cullen."

Carlisle barely suppressed his laughter in response and it made me smile. He was definitely much better now.

"I believe Esme has said as much, once or twice," he smiled in amusement, obviously relishing whatever events had brought on his wife’s honest opinion. "She would be glad to know she is not alone in that."

I lifted my head to reply, but when I looked up into his face I was instantly dazzled by sheer beauty.

His eyes, so black and fathomless when I had looked in them last, had become the color of golden honey. Pristine locks of soft, pale blond hair lay atop his head in slight, oddly perfect, disarray. The smudges were lightened to the point of extinction and his smile was unimaginably genuine, easy, and warm. If I hadn’t known what he was, I would have guessed he was an angel sent down from heaven. I remembered thinking something very similar that first time I had seen him at the hospital, after the crash where Edward saved me.

"You look like an angel," I murmured mistily, blinking very slowly.

I couldn’t think properly when he looked so ridiculously surreal, staring me straight in the eye. As the stray thoughts wound their way through my brain, my vocal chords just decided to take control. I half expected to hear him chuckling at me for being so easily dazzled, but no amusement was forthcoming. If anything, the room was deathly silent. Reason cleared my head with shocking clarity at that moment. The realization that I was now staring at the side of his face, not into his eyes, hit me forcefully.

"I…I didn’t mean…" I attempted some sense of a reasonable explanation, but what I did or did not mean was not easy to decipher. I meant what I’d said, about him looking so beautiful, and it meant nothing more than a general appreciation of his inhumanly perfect appearance. It would have been the same if I were describing Alice or Esme or Rosalie.

But then I slowly began to realize that wasn’t the problem at all. Recalling the candid conversation Carlisle had with me just after my catastrophic eighteenth birthday party, I blanched in recognition of the real issue at hand. Carlisle had no trouble with my honesty. What he did have trouble with, was the thought of himself as anything more than a demon. He didn’t believe he could ever _be_ an angel. The idea of heavenly bliss was not something the vampires believed was within their attainment, at least Carlisle and Edward didn’t. Carlisle _hoped_ for a happy end to this existence, but he didn’t have too much faith in it.

Eternal damnation was a frightening thought, in and of itself, but to imagine it happening to Edward or anyone in his family made my breathing hitch to a solid stop and my heart to nearly join it. Instead of stopping, though, my heart raced faster as if to make up for the lack of air with excess blood. I’d never worried over the thought before because I was so certain that the vampires had a soul and that _my_ vampires would be judged by the goodness that I knew would be found there. Carlisle’s uncertainty disturbed me more than I cared to admit. Carlisle was the one with faith in everybody and everything, always hoping for the better outcome. If he wasn’t sure, how could I be?

It was just not my day for staying calm. The sudden absence of proper breathing and the addition of a pounding heart drew Carlisle’s concerned attention to me swiftly. I was certain there was fear in my eyes, judging by the growing look of worry on his face. His own thoughts were no doubt pushed to the back of his mind now that he had someone to take care of.

"Bella?" He asked worriedly, kneeling before me and reaching out to take my shoulders firmly but comfortingly. "You need to breathe, sweetheart. Take in a deep breath for me."

I took one… and took another… and another, and another, and another under his careful instruction and supervision until I was finally drawing air consistently into my lungs. The panic subsided while I had him to focus on. Seeing him here with me, living (so to speak) and very much _not_ residing in the fiery pits of Hell, eased me back into normalcy.

"Much better," he sighed in relief, releasing me to sit back on his heels.

A heavily guarded look that I could not explain came over his face. It made me feel guilty for overreacting once again.

"Really, Bella," he scolded me gently, although his jaw twitched strangely. "As much as I enjoy being a doctor, I do not see the need to test my skills so frequently."

From somewhere in the pit of my stomach, a miniscule giggle bubbled up and overrode my previous worry. I could feel it rising into my chest and further up into my throat, before finally escaping through my lips. I clamped a hand over my mouth, fully expecting the blush that followed. Carlisle flashed me a rare, broad grin, displaying glittering white teeth momentarily as he stood and sat back down casually beside me with one arm up on the back of the couch. Only with Carlisle could those teeth manage to look non-menacing. I even felt nervous when Edward did it.

"Carlisle, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable." My courage was actually bolstered by the good humor and I wasted no time in trying to correct my mistake. "I’m sorry. I just didn’t think… Of course, that could technically be considered your fault, since you dazzled me."

I couldn’t help adding the last part, hoping to keep him in better spirits.

"Then I apologize." Carlisle smiled slightly, but I could tell he was back to the seriousness. "For dazzling you and for reacting that way. You already know my views on that particular subject, however, so I hope you understand it still is not a pleasant topic."

"Yes, I know," I nodded in acceptance. "but I still mean what I said. You look like an angel. And I still say that you _will not_ be damned. If you were to be damned, that would be like… like the equivalent of Winnie the Pooh going to Hell.”

The comparison was fairly ridiculous, but it was the simplest way I knew of describing my absolute faith in the presence and goodness of Carlisle’s soul.

"Winnie the Pooh?" one blond eyebrow hit his hairline quicker than I thought possible. "Explain, please?"

"He’s a character from a children’s book," I admitted with a light blush.

"How does this relate to me?" Carlisle asked with genuine curiosity, looking fascinated by whatever lines I had drawn between him and a children’s character.

"Ok, well, there’s this little boy," I began to describe the story, hopefully in as few words as possible. This was more embarrassing than I thought it would be. "His name is Christopher Robin and he has these stuffed animals. And they can talk and play with him."

I paused in indecision. That sounded crazy, right there. Carlisle just nodded, though, and so I soldiered on.

"One of them is called Winnie the Pooh." A look of amusement passed over his face, but I ignored it. "He’s a little yellow bear, really a nice character. If anyone ever said he was going to Hell, kids would never believe it, because he’s just too good of a person."

"I see no connection to me."

Carlisle was being incredibly stubborn about this.

"My point is that it’s so unbelievable," I told him with a sigh, turning the upper half of my body to face him completely. "If I was told that you and Edward were going to Hell for eternity, I wouldn’t believe it either. I don’t now and I never will. You have as much of a chance of going to hell as that innocent little stuffed bear, simple as that."

"Bella, that is ridiculous." A grimace lit Carlisle’s face. Obviously he didn’t agree with a word I’d said. I made to interrupt with my argument, but he held up a firm hand to forestall me.

"If you are right," he continued gravely, "and we _do_ have a soul, then we would have just as much of a chance as _humans_ do, at reaching heaven. And even if that is true, we are not innocent little things with stainless souls. We are vampires, whose innate senses tell us that, essentially, we need to kill human beings to survive. Killing is certainly not a way to get to heaven. Furthermore, if we have souls, each individual soul is brought to bear on its own sins. I am sure you understand that?”

"Yes, but what _you_ don’t understand,” I argued tempestuously, crossing my arms irritably in front of my chest, “is that I’ve considered that already. Don’t you get it? I _am_ thinking of your individual soul. I have from the beginning. That’s the very thing that makes me believe you are not damned like you say. Who could damn _you_ , knowing what you’re like inside? You’re _good_ Carlisle. Better than many humans out there. Do you honestly put yourself in the same category as rapists, murderers, or abusive spouses and parents? You can’t do that to yourself; it’s wrong for you to even think it. It goes against everything that makes you who you are. You’ve never taken a single drop of human blood, despite the nature that you say is inherent in vampires.”

"I have made more vampires," Carlisle said so softly that I almost didn’t hear it. "And they have killed, whether or not they ultimately felt it was the best thing to do."

"And?" I prompted him in a hard voice, sitting straighter. "Do you think human murderers don’t have parents? Don’t you think they hate the fact that their son or daughter has killed someone? They probably feel guilty, like they raised them wrong. But they can’t make choices for their child. We all have to make our own decisions some day, after all. And even after the bad choices their child may make, it doesn’t mean the parents regret having them."

He opened his mouth several times, but nothing came out. It unfortunately reminded me of how I had stumped Dr. Bailey in the cafeteria, but I was glad that finally something was getting through his thick head. Vampires and their nearly-impenetrable skin…

"I never thought of it in quite that way." Carlisle’s face was alive with the epiphany I had offered him, gold eyes bright with happiness which he turned on me. "You are a wonder, my dear. Thank you for that."

"No big," I sighed in some relief and a little embarrassment, easing up my stance a little as pink flooded my cheeks. "Now can you believe what I’m telling you?"

"It will take time to have complete faith in the idea," he admitted heavily, and I felt stunned. Hadn’t he just praised my thoughts?

"You don’t believe me?" I couldn’t help asking weakly, the hurt stinging somewhere near my heart. I could feel the pumping red organ speed up as if in protest at the idea.

"No!" Carlisle’s voice rang strongly in my ears, startling me, then he calmed himself visibly. "That is not what I meant at all, Bella. You have to remember, I have been living with my disbelief for over three hundred years. It will take more than a single day for the idea to settle in my mind, after so long of not believing. I will endeavor to do so, however. You simply do not know how much your faith bolsters each of ours, especially on this topic."

"Oh." I sank ungracefully into myself with relief. "Sorry."

"That’s quite all right," he soothed me, patting my bandaged hand with extra gentleness. "It was understandable. I sometimes use too many words for my own good."

I laughed then, wondering which of his ‘children’ had told him that. Probably Emmett, when I really thought about it…

"Rosalie is not too fond of my tendency for wordy sentences." He grinned and you’d think he had read my thoughts.

"I’m not going to ask how you knew what I was wondering." I shook my head, exasperated with highly-sensitized vampires, and he laughed at my expression.

There was a pause and then Carlisle asked me, gently it seemed, “Are there any other… more sensitive topics you might wish to discuss?”

I could guess what he was thinking of.

"I’d like to talk about being turned," I said quietly, solemnly, and he nodded in kind. "I mean, you agreed to change me after graduation and you are the most knowledgeable of the family, so I think it’s good that it come from you. There’s a lot that I don’t know yet."

"Edward will not be happy." His face was clouded over at the thought and my thoughts followed suit, but this was important to me.

"I know," I could admit that freely, first-hand experience came easily on that point. "but upsetting, uncomfortable topics come up in life all the time. When you hang around supernatural beings, the upsetting and uncomfortable are pretty much always going to take a turn for the strange and dangerous. Eventually, Edward is going to have to realize that I’m not really _normal_ anymore, nor are my important life choices. How _could_ I be normal, after living through such unbelievable circumstances? And even if Edward doesn’t admit it, he knows that the Volturi are going to come and check on me.”

I shuddered at the idea and the name for a second time that day, but Carlisle took my warm hand into his cold one and the fear went away somewhat.

"Maybe it won’t be immediate," I moved forward still, eager to state my view freely. "or even in the next decade. But they won’t wait another century or something. They’re not stupid enough to forget how short a human lifetime is. I highly doubt that I’d be able to live a full human lifetime before they came to see the state of my existence. My guess is when they _do_ come, if they saw me still in human form, they wouldn’t wait to let one of you turn me before killing me and destroying anyone who fought them.”

"Well spoken, Bella." Carlisle seemed grimly pleased by my seeming grasp of the concepts I’d mentioned. "And very true, unfortunately. Caius, at the least, will not allow your predicament to slip from his mind for that long. A decade is really about as long as I would expect him to let it slide, and then only because of Aro’s patience. That being said, is there anything specific you would like to know first? We can go from there."

I nodded and settled more comfortably onto the sofa, sitting cross-legged facing him as a multitude of images flitted through my mind and memories. Nervous as I was about finding out more about the transformation, there was no doubt that Carlisle would be truthful and not frighten me unnecessarily, as Edward had tried on many occasions. It was not a pleasant subject by any means, but I had a firm belief that Edward exaggerated whenever possible so I would not want to be changed. How foolish Edward was, when he knew that _he_ was my ultimate goal by being changed.

"I obviously want to know what kind of state I’ll be in from the moment I’m bitten…" I pointed out. "That seems to cover just about all of the most serious aspects of being turned, really. Aside from how I stop myself from drinking human blood, anyway."

"The state you will be in is complex." Carlisle deliberated a moment or two, but settled onto something that made his face turn frighteningly grave. "I wished for death very vehemently through most of it, even if I could not speak it aloud."

"I can imagine that." The thought didn’t really disturb me as much as I though it would. Anyone in excruciating pain would wish for that. Having heard the idea from Alice last year made it easier to think on, of course. "When people are in pain, they just want it to stop any way possible."

He only nodded in understanding.

"The venom," he continued, eyes dark in a distant memory, "feels as though it is burning you alive. Nothing eases it. Screaming and writhing from the agony does not detract from it. It is possible to remain silent and still, although it is very difficult to do. I had to do both while hiding, but it was maddening."

I couldn’t help swallowing a bit hard. I had done screaming and writhing aplenty after James had bitten me. It had definitely not helped.

"You will also be able to hear what goes on around you, after a while," he said thoughtfully, watching my face closely. "That might be a good thing, though. When I was near the end, hearing the people who moved around my hiding place helped to ground me when I thought I was about to lose my mind. When I could hear that life continued on outside my narrow vision, it was one of the first things that kept me from attacking humans while the thirst raged in me."

Muted pain filled his angelic features and I felt badly for asking him to remember all of this. But he had agreed to changing me and I needed to understand, so Edward could not say I was uninformed.

"It was difficult to listen," he informed me in a whisper, closing his eyes momentarily. "Knowing I could not be apart of that life anymore, realizing just how alone I was, and acknowledging the damnation that I thought was my fate."

I had to swallow the lump in my throat to stop emotion from overwhelming me. Of all the Cullens’ transformations (what little I knew of them anyway), Carlisle’s touched me the most. Like me, he had just entered adulthood and was still determining his plans for the future. Unlike me, he had not been given a choice as to his fate.

I had no real dreams and ambitions, no goals in life to achieve. The only thing I really wanted to do was be with the one I loved. But Carlisle had been a talented and kindhearted young man, taken down in the beginning of his life. A life in which he had carried ambitions and dreams unfulfilled as yet. A life in which he could probably have been happy to an extent.

As a familiar stinging behind my eyes and a tightening in my throat signaled an onslaught of tears, Carlisle opened his golden eyes. I looked down at my hands sharply, embarrassed at my constantly changing, ridiculously sensitive feelings. Silence held a pause between the two of us and I imagined that he was taking in my rapidly swelling emotions, the slowly increasing heart rate, and the tears that were fully prepared to fall down my face, all with a physician’s eye so he could determine what he needed to do to counteract it.

Cold fingers lifted my chin then, so that I had to look him in the face. He looked, really truly _looked_ , me in the eyes… and such gratitude filled his gaze that I felt the tears stinging again.

"You are truly a tender heart." He smiled brilliantly, patting my chin companionably with the tip of his forefinger. "Here I am, describing what you will be going through once the change begins, and all you are worried about is the pain and discomfort I went through almost three-and-a-half centuries ago. I hope Edward realizes how lucky he is."

Gargantuan effort was necessary not to let the tears flow over my cheeks when faced with this praise. I blinked rapidly, willing the wetness to go away. I wasn’t usually this overtly choked up, was I? What happened to the gruff, Charlie-inherited attitude?

But impulsiveness took a hold of me as strong as a fully-blown panic attack and I threw my arms around Carlisle’s neck with all the bruising force a human girl could possess, burying my face in his hard neck. Bruises mainly would be distributed across my own arms and face, but I didn’t have it in me to care once he gingerly embraced me in return and patted my back.

"Now, now," he breathed against my shoulder, pushing me gently back to my sitting position. "It is long over with. Don’t fret so."

I nodded sheepishly, swiping tears away from my face with the hem of my shirt and willing away the blush on my cheeks.

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me," I shrugged. "Usually I can’t stand being so emotional. Something I got from Charlie."

"It has been a hard time for you lately." Carlisle passed an apologetic look my way. "You have faced a great deal of upheaval and seen despicable things that would have sent a lesser person out of their wits. Nightmares do not help the situation at all."

"Yeah, I guess you’re right," I sighed in resignation. "I’m sorry, I interrupted."

"You know I’m not upset about that in the least," he scolded with an amused sigh. "This is not an easy subject to discuss. Nevertheless, I will continue if you feel up to it."

"I do," I nodded decisively.

"Very well," he acceded to my wishes, pausing to take an unnecessary breath that was doubtless made for my sake. "Once the change is complete, your throat will burn quite intensely."

"So, this burning," I clarified, " _is_ the thirst?”

"Yes," his answer was firm. "but the actual burn in your throat would be from smelling _human_ blood. Animal blood does not have the same effect. It leaves a mild, slightly scratchy feeling in one’s throat. Mildly irritating, but not as overwhelming as the burn. Either way, when you smell blood of any kind, you would salivate. Except it would be venom.”

"Okay," I nodded my understanding, when a question popped into my head that I had never considered. "What does it feel like when you’re hunting?"

"It depends on which creature you are hunting. And who is doing the hunting." Carlisle furrowed his brows. "I do not like to see living things suffer, so for me it takes a bit of strategy, so I can catch the prey in a quick, easy kill that eliminates their suffering as much as possible."

"Don’t the others agree?" I guessed, based on the fact that he only referred to himself.

"In some ways…" he hesitated momentarily, drumming his fingers quietly on the back of the couch, but went on anyway. "Esme and Alice agree the most. Alice agrees simply because she follows my direction; she always has. Esme also holds distaste for suffering, but because of her passionate nature she sometimes prefers a bit of a fight. Edward is the next most likely to agree with me, but he doesn’t exactly choose mountain lions for no good reason."

"He just said their blood tasted better than other animals," I offered the thought curiously. Edward never mentioned anything about this.

"Yes, that is partly true," Carlisle chuckled almost exasperatedly. "He also likes the wild fighting spirit they have."

"You know," I sighed in annoyance, adding this tidbit to the growing list of things Edward was going to have to straighten out with me when he got back. "It would be nice if he could just tell me a straight truth for once. Either he’s exaggerating the truth so he can scare me out of this life or he hides part of it to keep me safe. The honest-to-goodness facts would really help keep me sane when all this supernatural stuff is going on."

"He feels that he does the right thing," he sighed, rubbing a hand across his face wearily. "but sometimes he does go beyond what I would consider necessary."

"You’re telling me," I grumbled to myself and he gallantly suppressed his smile.

"Emmett and Jasper both enjoy a good fight whenever they can get one." Carlisle winced, probably about some hunting memories I would never want to hear. "I never enjoy hunting with them. Their warrior mindset is often somewhat gruesome in my opinion. Rosalie agrees with that on some levels, but she is too tenacious not to wish for challenging prey."

"So, when I hunt for the first time," I half-smiled wryly, "I’ll probably want you or Alice to teach me how to not be a barbarian. Am I right?"

"Edward would hold back, if it was for your sake," Carlisle put in, but he was smiling wide enough to give me my answer. "But yes, if you can’t stand the thought of drawing out the hunt, Alice and I would be your safest options."

"Good," I shook my head in relief. "Knowing I have to hunt at all is bad enough, but drawing out the process for sport seems cruel. I already tortured and killed three fish in my lifetime. I don’t need to do any more of that."

Carlisle laughed genuinely in response, a clear, smooth sound that I’d never heard from him before. I had previously only associated that type of laugh with Edward, although my boyfriend’s laugh typically held a velvety quality that was lower and a bit rougher than Carlisle’s. No one else came even close to either of them. Emmett’s laugh was a near-painful boom in my eardrums. Rosalie barely could smirk, let alone laugh. Jasper only ever snickered or chuckled. Alice mostly giggled or allowed a tinkling of bells to pass her lips. Esme had a sweet, motherly type of a laugh. It was so interesting to think how their laughs represented who they were. It was like a representation of their souls. And honestly, I could pretty much pinpoint the most dominant personality traits in their laugh or lack thereof.

"Carlisle." a new question entered my mind, one that I hadn’t been able to answer yet. Yes, the ends had been met, but did I use the proper means?

"Yes?"

"Did I…" I hesitated to say it. "Did I do the right thing today?"

"Definitely," there was absolutely no hesitation in the affirmation. "Even if my working hours are not affecting me as they would a human, as you saw today, my physical health was not what it should be. The hours were affecting my family, as well. Stepping up the way you did could also prevent Bailey from doing this to other employees. You most certainly _did_ do the right thing today, Bella.”

"Good. I’m glad," I sighed in relief. I didn’t want to cause any trouble for him or the family.

"By the way," Carlisle’s voice went quiet, golden eyes trained on my face. "I would like to thank you for your kind words on my behalf today."

"Um… w-what did you hear?" I stammered out, cursing the flush that crowded onto my cheekbones.

"I received an interesting text message." He was avoiding my question. Wonderful. "About thirty minutes after you left my office… It said I should be heading to the cafeteria for some reason. Imagine my surprise when I saw you sitting with Dr. Bailey."

"You heard _everything_ , didn’t you?” I groaned and flushed an even deeper red, hiding my face in my hands.

"Of course I heard everything," Carlisle laughed lightly, pulling my hands away no matter how hard I resisted. "Edward wouldn’t let me miss it."

"Edward!" I couldn’t help squeaking in surprise. "I thought it was Alice!"

"Oh, she was a part of it," he admitted with a graceful shrug, still keeping my hands lightly restrained, "but Edward was the one who wanted me to hear every word you were going to say."

"Oh no," I groaned again, embarrassed beyond belief. "No one is ever going to let me forget this, are they?

"No, we’re not. And don’t be so melodramatic," Carlisle scolded playfully. "That is Edward’s job, not yours."

A very unladylike snort escaped me at that. Yes, Edward was a little on the dramatic side, but I loved him for it.

"Edward is already incredibly proud of you," Carlisle went on to say, finally releasing my hands from his grasp. "But you may never hear the end of it, after this. Even Rosalie might have a genuine smile to throw your way, if Edward is to be believed."

"That’s a little overly optimistic, don’t you think?" I asked him cautiously, not wanting to offend one of his children. "I mean, Edward can kind of forget the rest of the world when he’s happy about something."

"I suppose that’s true," he admitted with tightly repressed smile, "but I think that after this, she can see just how much you care about us and how much a part of our family you really are. And I’d like to think she can rationally accept your wanting to become one of us, even if she would not have chosen it for herself."

"Really?" I was hesitant to accept that hope so easily. Rosalie was not exactly joyous about me. I just wished I knew why, outside of the vague idea that I was human and she wasn’t.

"Really," Carlisle insisted with a quick squeeze to my small hands. "I know she hasn’t shown it, but Rosalie _does_ understand your wish to become a vampire.”

"It’s not like that," I quickly intervened to correct that assumption. "It’s not that I’m so eager to _become_ a vampire—”

"I know, Bella," Carlisle interceded and shook his head, stopping me from going further. "I didn’t mean it quite like that. I meant that Rosalie knows why you want it, even if she can’t admit it. We all know Edward is your reason."

"Oh," I was relieved. "I didn’t want anyone to think I was just itching for vampirism on its own merits."

"You want to spend eternity with Edward," he nodded, proving his complete understanding of my feelings on the issue. "We all realize that, Bella. Don’t worry on that count."

"I’ll try not to." That was the best I could do. My insecurities never let me forget worries like that completely.

"I’ll hold you to that," it was said in a light tone, but I believed he really would. "Now, what would you like to do, since I have a free weekend to spend?"

"I have no idea," I admitted sheepishly. "It’s kind of ironic, but… Well, Mr. and Mrs. Newton were arguing at work and Mike was uncomfortable, so I left early. The whole time, all I could think was how boring the day was going to be and I didn’t have anything to do. Did you have anything in mind?"

"Nothing in particular," he looked thoughtful, then suddenly mischievous. "I didn’t plan on the free time, either, but some little bird pecked at my superiors."

We both laughed at that, today’s incident never too far from our minds.

"Well," I thought for a minute, thinking of my typical anti-boredom tactics, "when I’m bored, I usually read, but it seems a little antisocial now that we’re both here. There are always movies, I guess…"

I shrugged, knowing I wanted to do something different for my weekend with Carlisle, but I just couldn’t think of anything. What does an immortal vampire do on a free weekend with his surrogate daughter? Carlisle didn’t seem the type to play video games or sit through a movie. Of course, I could be wrong.

"Do you like board games?" the question caught me off guard so that I stared at him momentarily. "We have a decent selection here at the house, I should think."

"Board games?" I asked a little cautiously. Like a vampire hadn’t had time to play every board game in history. "Are you serious?"

"Well, maybe it wasn’t one of my more brilliant ideas," he chuckled and I flushed pink. He was actually serious about this. "However, since we need to stay relatively near the house, I thought it might be the best option. I doubt it would be helpful for us to go out anywhere. If word got around to Charlie that you weren’t with Alice, we would all be in very big trouble."

"Yeah." No disagreement was forthcoming from me. Charlie would be a complete bear if he knew Alice wasn’t with us. "He wouldn’t be too happy. I’d probably be banned from leaving the house until I’m forty years old."

"Then we certainly won’t tempt fate," Carlisle smirked slightly, but as always it was mixed with an edge of kindness in his expression. "Come, maybe you won’t think me so strange once you see what I mean about board games."

With that, he pulled me off of the sofa and led me through the upstairs of house to a closet near his office that I’d never taken any notice of before now. It was four times as wide as a normal doorway and enclosed with sea blue, accordion-like doors that reached the ceiling above. Carlisle opened the doors at vampire speed, hands all a blur, and I was stunned to suddenly be faced with a floor-to-ceiling collection of boxes. A beat passed before I realized that every box in the neatly-ordered selection was a _game_. There had to be dozens upon dozens of games in that gigantic space.

"Whoa," I breathed in shock, causing Carlisle to stifle a laugh.

The Cullens must have bought every single edition of every game in the history of man, as far as I was concerned. Among the ungodly amount of titles, some of which I had never heard of before, I spotted some favorites of mine. Scattergories, Clue, Uno… Not to mention others that were known to me, if not necessarily my preferred games. Monopoly and Rook, to name a couple. I could have stared all day at the choices in my awe, when two familiar boxes caught my attention very abruptly.

"We are certainly not playing either of _those_ ,” I announced incredulously and stubbornly all of a sudden, allowing Carlisle to follow my pointing finger to two of a few games that I would never, ever, in my human lifetime, be caught playing with a vampire.

Jenga and Pick-up Sticks. Side by side. Should that even be possible?

Carlisle snorted quietly, understanding my dilemma immediately.

"I would play at human speed," he suggested after a moment, amusement fairly oozing from his face and voice, but behind that I could vaguely hear the mischief lurking. He would not play fair.

"No way," I shook my head back and forth fervently, clearly in the negative. "No Jenga. No Pick-up Sticks. End of story."

"As you wish," his tone bespoke the ongoing amusement he would feel over the issue. I knew this was going to get back to Edward when he returned on Monday. Even if Edward couldn’t read minds, it would get back to him. With a scowl at Carlisle’s amused face, I turned to look over more of the games. Dozens of other titles passed by. I actually shuddered when I saw Mall Madness. There was no question as to who bought that game…

By the time I decided to stop gawking at the closet-full of games, we picked out about ten of them just so we would have a lot of choices. Carlisle held most of them easily, but wanting to feel useful, I carried three of them. It was almost _too_ easy to convince him to let me, but I didn’t dwell on it long. I almost turned to go downstairs when another game caught my eye.

"Can we try that?" I pointed at another box, earning a pleased expression from Carlisle as he reached to take Trivial Pursuit from the shelf at human speed and place it on top of the other seven he held.

"I’m glad you asked," he smiled.

"Uh-oh." I was about to rescind my request if he had already played the entire box of cards. "Wait. Have you guys played through all the questions already?"

"Hardly." A small laugh escaped him as he closed the closet doors with one hand and gestured for me to follow him downstairs. "In the eighties, when the game was new, Alice bought it for Jasper because he enjoys trivia. She also liked the fact that it was one game in which her visions would not help her win."

"Well, they could," I interrupted with the thought that bounced into my head, watching my feet very carefully as I took to the stairs. "I mean, she could see Jasper reading the answer on the back of the card, couldn’t she?"

"They planned for that," Carlisle sounded even more amused. "He wouldn’t read the back of the card until she gave an answer. So really, it was only after she said the answer out loud that she would be able to see whether or not her answer was right."

"But not to make a labor of it…" He waited at the foot of the stairs as I made my slow way down to him, continuing his story, "Jasper is quite knowledgeable. The ‘kids’ were unable to win a game against him. Edward was the only one who ever came close to beating him. After a number of lost games, Esme even tried her hand. She was defeated, of course. Unfortunately, Jasper became a bit arrogant about it."

"So you didn’t play?" I was completely engrossed, luckily making it down to his level without a single misstep. Somebody’s good karma was with me, whoever it belonged to.

"Usually when they played, I was at work," Carlisle went on, now smiling with wry humor when we walked to the dining table to set down our boxes. "Finally, Edward decided to do something rather drastic one night."

"What did he do?" my curiosity burned and I surprised myself by wanting to find out the outcome almost as much as I wanted to hear about Edward, when I took the seat to the left of the table’s end, where Carlisle was standing.

"He asked me to play," was Carlisle’s simple answer. Heaven knew, it was all I needed to hear to know what happened in the end. "Alice saw how it would turn out, obviously, but I think even _she_ wanted to put Jasper in his place.”

"Let me guess," I shook my head knowingly, "You know most of the stuff in there, don’t you?"

"I wouldn’t know," he shrugged with some sheepishness, all the while placing the games where we could easily reach them from our seats. "Jasper only got through all the questions on three cards before he quit playing."

"You’re not supposed to ask all the questions on one card," I accused, but continued digging out the game pieces anyway.

"Jasper was thinking he could win with ease, apparently." Carlisle was trying valiantly to keep a satisfied grin off of his face as he picked up the blue playing piece and six triangles. "Edward wanted to hurry up the process of proving Jasper wrong, so he suggested a simpler method of playing."

"Ugh," I rolled my eyes in annoyance, picking up the green playing piece and six triangles of my own. "If it’s not your reflexes and your senses that are going to make me lose, it’ll be the centuries of knowledge you have."

"My apologies." Carlisle did look contrite to some extent.

"Oh well," I said in resignation. "Let’s play. I may as well start losing now."

"You first," he chuckled at me.

I took a deep breath and then rolled the die, choosing to move to an orange space for no reason other than I didn’t think it mattered which category I chose. I would still lose.

"Wildcard it is," Carlisle announced as he reached for a card. "All right… _What was Byron “Whizzer” White appointed to, 22 years after he led the NFL in rushing_?”

"Ugh," I muttered irritably and held a hand to my forehead. "A _football_ question.”

Of course, something that was totally outside even the furthest range of my interests. Carlisle just smiled in good humor while checking the answer on the back.

"Team captain?" I answered sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Not quite," Carlisle smiled indulgently and placed the card in the back of the box. "The Supreme Court."

"Okay," I shook my head in further annoyance. "Not a football question after all."

"Well, it was ‘wildcard’ not ‘sports and leisure’, so it couldn’t have been a purely sports-related question," Carlisle offered his sage advice and then took his turn to roll with a heavy chuckle while I glared at him. He decided to move onto an orange space the same as I had done, while I took the time to pull out the next card in the box.

“ _What language_ ,” I presented his first question with almost-certain assurance that he knew the answer already, “ _boasts a record 616,500 words, not including 400,000 technical terms_?”

"English." Sure enough, his answer sprouted instantaneously after I finished speaking.

"How do you know that?" I couldn’t stop the exasperated question from escaping.

"Languages are another extensive study of mine," Carlisle explained it away oh-so-casually.

"How many languages are you fluent in?" My rampant curiosity wasn’t going to be lessening over this weekend, that was for sure. "Or studied extensively?"

"I’m actually not quite certain." Carlisle looked down thoughtfully, chin in his hand, and I could tell he might be preparing a very long explanation. "Aside from English, obviously… I speak French, Spanish, Italian, German, Portuguese, Russian, Norwegian, Gaelic, Swedish, Chinese, Japanese, some Native American languages, a number of native African languages, and enough Hawaiian to get by with. There are some others, too… As far as studying, I have extensive knowledge of Latin, Greek, Hebrew, and Ancient Egyptian. I’m familiar with Old Italian, as well."

"All right," I laughed exasperatedly, raising my hands as if in surrender. "You’re a proclaimed genius."

"Nowhere near, Bella," he laughed with me, his eyes seeming to sparkle with his humor. "I’ve existed for over three hundred years, with a flawless vampire memory. Most of that time was spent in isolation. It’s much more of a necessity to learn when you have night after night with nothing else to do."

"Yeah, well," I shrugged uncomfortably at the idea that he had lived that many years without even a friend. "It’s still amazing."

"Thank you," He allowed with a gracious nod in my direction.

"Your welcome," I replied and put the card away, pulling another from the front. "Your turn still."

And on we played for about ten more minutes. Simply put, I never got another turn. Carlisle won with another eleven questions, leaving me stunned and scowling in equal measure. He truly looked apologetic for his easy win, so I sighed and gladly let him pack the game away and pull out something a little more suited to the style of a human with no extraordinary intellectual and physical prowess.

Aggravation.

* * *

 


	3. Strong

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 3: Strong**

As the afternoon wore on, Carlisle and I must have played Aggravation twenty times and Uno at least eight times. The simplicity and fairness of the two games, even between a human and a vampire, made them drastically more fun to play than most anything else.

"Uno!" Carlisle exclaimed with unusual vigor all of a sudden, pointing across the table with unashamed gleefulness at the lone card that I had left in my hand.

I stared in disbelief at the single, blue _8_ card. How in the heck did that happen? I should have known something was off when Carlisle, with twelve cards in his grasp, started smiling as I laid down that red _Draw Two_ card. All I remembered thinking while laying it down was that fourteen was a nice number, especially when it pertained to the amount of cards which would have soon been in his hand.

"Shoot!" I cursed my ignorance with great annoyance, scowling with flushed cheeks at his cheerful façade while I drew the two penalty cards. Thanks to my solitary mistake, Carlisle gained the upper hand swiftly. Eventually, I was left sitting with seven cards; two _Draw Four_ cards, three _Skip_ cards, one _Draw Two_ card, and one _6_ card.

Glaring obstinately for several minutes at the green _2_ card that Carlisle had lain down seemed fairly ridiculous, but it had been his last card to play. He’d won. And rather than staying to gloat over his victory and letting me glare at _him_ , instead of a helpless card, Carlisle rose to make dinner. My stomach couldn’t seem to shut up, even when I wanted to look menacingly at my amused opponent. In the heat of my defeat, I didn’t even argue that he was cooking for me. While I waited, I decided to head up to Edward’s room. Tripping moments littered my journey upstairs, but I made it relatively uninjured. Minor bruises were just normal for me; I was glad that Carlisle seemed to understand that. He didn’t crowd me and check for every injury known to man; he let me be. Much as I loved Edward, the over-protectiveness could go too far. Recent events illustrated my point perfectly. Clumsiness and protective boyfriend aside, a human moment and change of clothing was in order. My jeans and blouse were nice, but a little simple comfort couldn’t hurt. Plus, with Carlisle working at a human speed, I had time for a quick shower.

I was intensely more comfortable once I was clean and in my sweats and the long-sleeve knit shirt I stole (with much uncharacteristic giggling) from Edward’s closet. It was as I was pushing the lengthy sleeves up while standing in the middle of his room that I found myself wondering how I was going to get to sleep later in the night. After the intense screaming, crying, and fearfulness that plagued me the night before, I felt little hope for a decent night’s sleep without Edward there to hold me. Nothing else had worked to contain my night terrors and I wasn’t especially enthusiastic about trying anything more, anyway. It was quite obvious that I would simply have to allow the dreams to come as they may. And I would just have to hope that Edward’s shirt, deeply saturated in his scent, would get me through a bit better than normal. The biggest thing I regretted was that Carlisle would have to witness my awful little ritual.

"Bella?" Carlisle’s voice drifted upwards from the stairway and I straightened up from the mindless, crossed-arm slouch I had been in, grateful for the inhumanly appetizing scent wafting up my nose as I descended into the dining room and over to Carlisle’s side.

"Carlisle…" I came up short next to him and only avoided tripping because of his steadying arm, viewing the copious helpings of food on three platters with distinct awe. "What did you do? Raid the Food Network? There’s only one of me, you know."

I must have taken longer upstairs that I realized. It would have taken a fair number of minutes to make such a meal. An assortment of vegetables and four kinds of dipping sauces took up the first platter. The second platter assortment of chicken fingers, shrimp, and mozzarella sticks had my mouth watering. That was only the vague precursor, however, to the third platter, containing moderate amounts of chicken primavera, spaghetti, lasagna alfredo, and mushroom ravioli. My stomach was doing back-flips on me in anticipation of my empty plate soon being filled with all kinds of delicious concoctions.

"I forgot to ask what you wanted." He grinned at my shocked expression, helping me into a seat. "So I did a bit of everything."

"I hope to God you aren’t planning on me eating even a fifth of that." I eyed him suspiciously, to which he laughed joyously.

"Goodness no, Bella." He shook his head in exasperation, softening his laugh to a chuckle. "But I’d rather have some left over in case you’re hungry later. It’s only about seven-thirty right now and heaven knows, you never go to bed early when you visit with us."

"Oh," I started with some surprise, hesitantly picking up my fork to begin my incredible meal as he sat with me. "I guess lunch wasn’t as filling as I thought it would be."

"Perhaps it was the company." Carlisle’s eyes seemed to twinkle, but there was a steely quality to them. I realized he was not completely joking. "Or the atmosphere."

"Or simply the lack of culinary skill in comparison to this," I retorted with a half-smile, gesturing at the spread of goods. "You guys never go halfway in anything."

"Why go halfway?" he shrugged innocently. "We have the time, money, and resources to go further. And the inclination, considering we have a lot of time on our hands."

Instead of replying with my usual dislike of what could have appeared to be unnecessary generosity, I set out to stuff myself. For the next forty-five minutes, Carlisle watched me eat in what I guessed was positive fascination. Maybe it was because he barely remembered what it was like to eat or what food tasted like. After all, he hadn’t eaten and enjoyed human food in over three hundred years.

I was too full and satisfied once I pushed my plate away to argue with him cleaning up the remains of dinner.

"Carlisle, you should seriously consider becoming a professional chef," I complimented him contentedly from the table as he washed the dishes at a very human speed. "You’d make even more trillions than you already have. And you wouldn’t even have to rely on Alice for the stock market trends."

"I much prefer the medical field," Carlisle responded simply, continuing to soap and scrub the used dishes and utensils, his sleeves rolled neatly up to his elbows.

"So, can you wash and dry quicker than the dishwasher?" The question popped out without my conscious permission, as my vampire-related questions usually did.

"When I apply myself," he said with a little laugh.

"Must be nice to have both, though," I sighed a bit tiredly. It was a real chore to wash dishes by hand all the time. For a human, anyway. A dishwasher was such a wonderful invention.

"Hm," Carlisle replied noncommittally and set about rinsing and drying. Our conversation must have become boring. Instead of continuing with more mindless chatter, I let my thoughts lead where they would.

Hinting rays of the setting sun shone on the hardwood floors through the enormous glass windows, begging my wandering attention very forcefully. It was ungodly rare to see the sun so blatantly visible in Forks. The yellow orb of light certainly hadn’t shown itself earlier in the day, although I _was_ glad that Carlisle and I had gotten home before his skin gave him away to anyone. I rose from my seat in an almost hypnotic manner, for once treading the ground a bit gracefully. Amazing as that feat was, my eyes and my focus never truly left the beautiful sight to which I surrendered my senses. Trails of rich pinks, reds, oranges, and purples floated serenely in a gradually-darkening blue sky. Vivid and beautiful in their glorious vibrancy, all the colors transcended into the fantastical skies of every fairy tale I had ever read or heard. Even with how little of the rainbow-like sky I could see through the many trees, the vision was stunning. Wonder filled me at the idea that so much beauty was simply sitting before my eyes, just waiting for me to appreciate it every moment that it remained. However long I stood there, simply watching the sky changing in its own unique way, I was no less surprised when my trance was broken.

"Isn’t it beautiful?" Carlisle murmured with just enough volume to make me jump and snap my head around to look at him out of simple instinct. I was further startled by the subtle sparkle coming off of his skin. Thanks to the filtered light from outside, the glittering was not as strong as Edward’s had been in the meadow, but it was still nice. "I’m sorry for surprising you. It was not my intention."

"No, it’s okay," I assured him with an abstracted wave of my hand, not wanting to admit I was hard-pressed to turn back to the scenery outside. "It is very beautiful."

The corner of his mouth lifted as I stared. Okay, so he definitely noticed I was talking about him and the sky simultaneously. When I looked back outside, I was grateful that at least I didn’t have to admit it out loud. Although, to be honest, my blush did the admitting for me. We stood in peaceful silence for long moments, gazing at one of nature’s countless wonders, until I sighed a bit forlornly with the realization that the colors would dip below the tree line and out of my sight shortly.

"What is it?" Carlisle’s voice and furrowed brows betrayed his concern.

"I just wish the trees weren’t going to be in the way." I smiled a bit wryly.

"Ah," he understood easily, shaking his head in good humor. "Dratted trees."

A giggle escaped me subconsciously, as it seemed to be doing this weekend. Trust Carlisle to make that happen, one way or another. He smiled indulgently as I quieted back down, enough to make me blush with embarrassment for the next several beats of silence.

"I…" Carlisle spoke once more, hesitant and unsure, turning to look at me only in the peripheral vision of his golden eyes. "There is a place where you could see the sunset much clearer, if you wish."

The words hung in the air for a moment before I realized he was offering to show it to me himself; he was not just fobbing the experience off for another time, another place, and another person.

"How far is it?" I asked him neutrally. I didn’t really want to drive anywhere. Not if Charlie had even the slightest possibility of finding out Alice that was missing from our company.

"A short run." Carlisle still did not look at me and I was very grateful for the gesture just then. For a while, I had come to view running on a vampire’s back to be an act belonging solely between Edward and I. It was something he had shown me of himself freely and that was very important to me. Thinking of going with Carlisle was a little different, but he was offering it freely, too.

"It sounds neat," I answered warily, while my eye caught and held the gradually-disappearing display in the sky.

"Would you like to go?" He sounded so patient and kind that I couldn’t refuse.

"I’d love to," I smiled over at him and he returned it easily, when he suddenly whipped something out of his pocket. Only once I heard the first second of the ring tone cut off did I realize it was his cell phone.

"Alice," Carlisle and I both said at precisely the same time, sharing a laugh between us at the similarity of our thoughts.

Sure enough, Alice was on the other end of the line with information that I couldn’t hear and would gladly leave in Carlisle’s capable hands. I thought he, of all people, would be able to get away with ignoring any over-the-top commands from the pixie vampire, so I wasn’t worried.

"Alice wants a word," Carlisle instructed me as he finished and handed the cell phone over. "I’m going to gather a few things."

"Ok," I agreed and put the phone up to my ear as he flashed upstairs. "Hey, Alice."

"Hi, Bella!" Alice practically squeaked into the phone. "You’re going to love where Carlisle is taking you! I promise."

"Good to know," I retorted smartly, smiling even though she couldn’t see it, "but I’m guessing you have more to say than that."

"Of course I do!" she giggled with excitement. Even as I shook my head indulgently, I could picture my tiny best friend bouncing around like a giddy child. "Now listen to me, Bella. Eat when Carlisle suggests it, don’t hide your face in his shoulder blades, and don’t try to fake it if you feel cold, sick, scared, or tired. Got it?"

"Yes. You sure saw a lot more than I was expecting to happen." I tried to roll my eyes, but the excitement was catching as I found out. "But then that’s normal."

"Always," Alice exclaimed in obvious agreement. "Carlisle is going to come up behind you in… twenty seconds. Be prepared for a sight you’ve never seen! And have fun!"

"Sure, Alice," I allowed the affection to color my voice. "Tell Edward—"

"—you love him," she interrupted me with another of her giggles. "Bye!"

The phone clicked before I could say another word, but I simply turned to hand it over to Carlisle’s waiting hand.

"So that was a lot of warnings to—" I turned to face him, only to find Carlisle surrounded by a tightly rolled black something-or-other and a bag filled with far more than what I’d thought necessary for a little evening excursion. Not only that, but his clothing reminded me far more of Edward’s wardrobe than the typical Dr. Cullen fare. A short-sleeved, light blue polo shirt matched the slightly faded knees of his dark-washed jeans. Remarkably, the shirt wasn’t tucked in and on his feet were a pair of sleek tennis shoes. In short, Carlisle appeared more like an actual twenty-three-year-old than I’d ever seen him look.

"Alice," Carlisle said by way of explanation to my staring, a slight grin on his features, and handed me my tennis shoes and socks.

"A sleeping bag?" I stared a little owlishly at the rolled bag as I took my shoes and socks, belatedly noticing the thick fleece blankets which were rolled around the oversized black sleeping bag.

"Apparently we’ll need it later." He shrugged, completely at ease. "I’ve learned not to doubt Alice, for the most part. Now, if you want to see the sunset, hurry and put those on. And this, too."

He held up a heavy dark blue coat, allowing me to sit on the floor and put my shoes on first.

"So we’re staying out a while," I ventured, standing after the laces were tight and letting him he help me into the coat in his hands. I assumed it was from Carlisle’s own wardrobe for several reasons. Esme and Alice were close enough to my size that the difference would never have been very noticeable, Rosalie’s wardrobe was probably off limits, Emmett’s clothes were _much_ too big, and neither Jasper nor Edward’s things would show much but a difference in length. This coat was both a bit too long and a bit too wide, to some extent.

"Alice saw that we were," he deferred the explanation to the tiny vampire once again, "but it is possible that we might decide differently in the course of the evening. She merely wishes for us to be prepared for that eventuality. And she seems to feel that this would be a very good experience."

"Okay," I accepted it without a real fuss. If Alice saw it ending positively, I guessed it wasn’t completely bad. Carlisle wasn’t exactly known for wild or dramatic stunts, either. So that limited the amount of crazy things that Alice and I would differ on, as far as what was a ‘good experience’ to have.

Less than a minute later, the two of us stood in the back yard and Carlisle helped me up onto his back with great care. For some reason, Carlisle felt almost as if her were sturdier than Edward. Whether it was the knowledge that Edward was a bit impulsive or the idea that Carlisle was very patient and calm, I didn’t know. It didn’t change my opinion of running, though. I wrapped myself around him the same as I did with Edward and forced myself to keep my eyes open, as per Alice’s directions, but my heart was pounding in morbid anticipation of the gruesome speed at which Carlisle would be running.

"Are you all right with this, Bella?" Carlisle asked me, voice laden with heavy concern when he noticed my heart rate. "We don’t have to do this. I know running is not your favorite method of travel."

"No, I’ll be all right," I tried to reassure him past my own doubts, focusing on Alice’s firm belief that the run would be interesting for me. "Let’s go before we miss the rest of the sunset."

"As you wish." The concern was still present, but Carlisle agreed easily enough and in a flash, he was off into the forest at a dead sprint.

My mind boggled at the sights which greeted us along the way. Every blur passed by as if the world was my personal kaleidoscope. Greens, browns, grays, blues; splashes of red, violet, white, and pink that I’d never noticed in the forest overrode both my nerves and my motion sickness with an intensity that amazed me. Alice was right and for once, I felt that I could actually enjoy this way of traveling. Little else garnered my attention until I noticed the blurs beginning to make more sense to my eyes. Carlisle was slowing down. The environment was still somewhat of a blurred haze when Carlisle jumped over a downed tree. As much as I feared the sickness overtaking me, it was more like a pleasant tickling in my stomach once we touched back down to the ground. A delighted laugh bubbled out of me, a knee-jerk reaction to the surprise of the fluid jump. Carlisle laughed with me, releasing some unconscious tension from his body that, up until that moment, I hadn’t even known he harbored.

"We’re here," Carlisle’s announcement brought me out of my musings rapidly, while I was still looking at the path as it disappeared behind us. He gently and silently plucked me from his back, steadying me until my wobbling legs could hold my body up. I turned my gaze to our surroundings once I was as surefooted as I could ever be, and could hardly believe my wondering eyes as they finally absorbed the small, impossibly beautiful, partial glade in the center of which Carlisle had ended the journey. I was reminded irresistibly of Edward’s meadow, but to my relief this new place had no stifling reminders of Laurent, the wolves, or Edward’s absence.

All around one side of the half-glade, that which was behind us and to the left, stood the deep-rooted pines and firs alongside flowering dogwood. Wild grasses as green as the needles on the hemlocks danced in the breeze above tiny wildflowers in shades of lavender, pale yellow, pink, and white. The further I looked to the treeless edge far to my right, all the more scarce the flowers became, thinning grasses traveling to the edge of a precipice that surely was miles above any comfortable landing. Through that treeless space, the setting sun in all its brilliance was still suspended above the horizon in thick, glorious ribbons of fire and dusk. Undisputedly, my mouth fell slack and I grasped Carlisle’s arm for support in the face of the picture-perfect natural beauty that floored me.

Ever the gentleman, Carlisle escorted me forward in the same manner one might have walked down the aisle. Careful, unconsciously measured steps drew us through the tall grass and out to the ledge. My previous experience with cliffs should have infused fear in me. It should have given me every reason to feel wary of the forward motions, but Carlisle was there with me. I knew he wouldn’t let me fall. Two feet from the rock precipice he stopped and drew me down to the ground with him, doubtless in an effort to make me more comfortable as the sun sunk lower and cool night eventually settled over us. Recognizing the action as the caring gesture it was, I leaned against his icy shoulder in acceptance. In response, he leaned his chin atop my dark head and wound his arm around my shoulder protectively. If Charlie wasn’t so gruff, maybe that was what his rare one-armed hugs would have felt like.

"Thank you." I looked up to Carlisle, hoping to convey my deep gratitude through my eyes as well as my voice, but further speech was stolen when I took in the healthy sparkle coming off of his face, neck, and lower arms like a million fiery diamonds. Now _that_ was more like it. None of that weak, dull little glittery thing that happened back in the house. As a matter of fact Carlisle might, just possibly, beat out Edward’s sparkle. It was impossible to judge with complete accuracy; the sunlight had not been in the same position or the same vibrancy when I had last seen Edward this way. Plus I was hard-pressed to admit that anything was more beautiful than my bronze-haired boyfriend. Still, I couldn’t help admiring the sight. If I had to admit to someone being more glorious looking than Edward, I would settle for Carlisle being that someone.

"Wow." The word escaped me in a fragile puff of breath as the resident angel of Forks turned his honey-golden eyes on me in addition to the sparkle of his granite skin. "That’s amazing."

"Much less filtered than inside the house," Carlisle admitted freely, a little smile lighting his face. "Alice said you would approve, but I wasn’t as certain. The few humans that have ever seen our skin this way, have thought it disconcerting."

"I’m not most humans," I retorted simply. "I told Edward last year and now I’ll tell you… You’re beautiful."

"Thank you," he accepted my praise graciously, not imploding with curses of being a killer as Edward had the first time. It was a great relief for a change. "I assume Edward did not take that comment very well, however."

A forlorn sigh escaped me before I replied, “Not really.”

"If you don’t mind my asking," Carlisle continued quietly, thoughtfully, "what did he say?"

At first glance, the question could be easily answered. Of all people, Carlisle had the most inclination to know what happened with Edward. And Edward would have chosen Carlisle to tell before anyone else. That was just how close they were.

On the other hand, when I thought about it further, Carlisle was also the one person most likely to be hurt by Edward’s opinion of being a vampire. Guilt would forever plague Carlisle for bringing his family to this life, regardless of what good things they had gained from it. Edward was the one he was the most guilt-ridden over, especially as much as Edward had been alone in the last century.

"Bella?" Carlisle’s worried voice brought me out of my musings.

"The usual," I hedged, no doubt cluing him into my lie just by the way I said it and the unmistakable flush on my cheeks. "You know him."

"Yes," he nodded once, "I certainly do."

Much to my gratitude, Carlisle let it go, looking back up at the sun where it was sinking beneath the horizon. Through our lengthy yet comfortable silence, the dusky magenta and violet sky entranced me once more. Drowsiness encroached on my weary mind, but even as I dozed off on Carlisle’s shoulder, more than the coldness of his skin permeated my senses. Air swirled cooler around us with every passing minute, slowly extinguishing the warmth that the sun had produced some time earlier. Indigo and navy undoubtedly colored the sky by now, even without opening my eyes to look, and Carlisle’s diamond-like skin would have lost its radiant glitz, to my sleepy mind’s great disappointment. Unwillingly, I recognized that night was making itself known and I shivered at the thought of facing total blackness once the cloud cover set in.

"Here." Carlisle’s voice was loud in the quiet night, startling me into opening my eyes upon a clear sky. Something soft and surprisingly warm being drawn around my body didn’t even faze me; not when I could look up and see the bright white moon and a spattering of stars glinting overhead.

"Huh," I exhaled on the word quietly, a little stunned. "Glaringly sunny in the late afternoon and clear skies at night. Forks must have sent the Earth completely out of orbit in order to do that."

"Well," Carlisle chuckled lightly and patted my arm companionably, "It can’t always be solid cloud cover. That would be too easy for us, I suppose."

"Yeah," I agreed wryly, nudging him in the ribs soft enough so that I didn’t bruise myself, "Don’t want to make anything too _easy_ on you guys, would we now?”

"No, not at all." He nudged me back, smiling.

"So, what do we do now?" I questioned him, thankful for the blanket that was making me feel rather cozy in spite of the bite in the air.

"Stargaze, of course," Carlisle insisted with a bit of surprise, glancing back down at me. "This is the first clear evening I’ve seen for some time. I, for one, do not intend to waste it."

"Neither do I," I agreed, burrowing a little further into my blanket and Carlisle, but something about the day was eating at me. "It’s too convenient, though. Something is bound to come back and bite us for having such an easy day. That’s how my life usually works."

"Let’s hope it doesn’t work that way this time," Carlisle countered my pessimism, but didn’t completely deter my feelings of pending trouble. Whenever so much good happened all at once, it was a bad sign for me. It could just mean that I would have even worse nightmares when I finally fell asleep, but that idea was just par the course whenever Edward was gone. No, something else was going to go wrong at some point and I was annoyed with myself for not realizing the fact sooner. Well, at least Carlisle would be alert and either Edward or Alice would call if the latter saw anything important occurring.

"So, do you have a favorite constellation?" I changed the subject instead of responding to his hopeful comment.

"Leo and Chamaeleon," Carlisle answered promptly, obviously having chosen his favorites long ago.

"The lion and the chameleon," I named the animals with a thoughtful tap to my chin. "Why those?"

"The lion has often been seen as a symbol of courage and strength." The same thoughtful quality graced Carlisle’s voice, but beneath it lay something deeper and more meaningful that I could only identify as wisdom. "Whereas the chameleon is able to blend in with its surroundings."

"I can see the resemblance," I nodded with complete comprehension. "You’re definitely courageous, strong, and blending in with society. All of you."

"We do our best," he corrected me gently and cast his eyes to my face, "but we cannot fit in perfectly. Our appearances and all of our inhuman habits render that impossible."

"You do as well as anyone could in your circumstances." That point was important for me to drive home whenever I had the chance. "That says a lot about you guys."

"Thank you, Bella." Carlisle allowed another smile to cross his lips. "I don’t know how our family got along without your encouragement all these—"

Something abruptly halted Carlisle’s response. It wasn’t until he rapidly pulled the cell to his ear that I realized it was the vibrating of the phone which had interrupted him.

"Alice?" he called into the phone quietly. His arm, so relaxed around my shoulders, suddenly went tense.

"I see." The tension reached Carlisle’s voice as well, causing my stomach to tighten with dread. Anticipation kept me still and silent, my breaths turning quick and shallow. This was it. My life was working precisely the way I had said it would. I could only half comprehend any further bouts of ‘ _yes_ ' and ' _I will_ ' since Carlisle was talking at vampire speed. All the while, my mind ran through any number of possible scenarios; Victoria, other nomadic vampires, the Volturi, and the werewolves all sifted through my thoughts like exploding bombs.

"Of course," Carlisle finally ended his conversation at a level I could understand and hung up. The phone was in his pocket before I even saw him move it. "Bella, we are in a spot."

"What’s happening?" If I was able to notice the shakiness in my voice, then Carlisle was definitely able to, but he said nothing about it.

"In precisely twenty-seven minutes, we are going to disappear from Alice’s vision," Carlisle stated solemnly.

"The wolves." Alarm didn’t even cover my feelings on the subject. Carlisle was totally alone and would defend me at all costs if the wolves got out of hand for any reason. "But how can they come here? This is your side of the treaty line, isn’t it?"

"To my chagrin," Carlisle sounded slightly ashamed and no little bit frustrated with himself, "this land is not covered by the treaty. Neither the pack nor my family has any specific control over it."

"Neutral territory," I said dimly, the anxiety harshly clawing its way around my insides. " _Fighting_ territory.”

"Unfortunately," Carlisle grimaced at the very thought, "but that issue can be dealt with. We have another problem. We reappeared some forty-six minutes later in Alice’s vision. But thirty minutes after that, Billy Black will tell Charlie that it’s only we two at the house."

"Oh _no_ ,” the moan escaped me painfully. If Charlie came back to check on me, the entire situation with the Cullens and my dad and the wolves was going to go straight into the abyss. “I told you this was how my life works. Edward was right. I’m a _magnet_ for trouble.”

"I’m afraid I agree," Carlisle smiled grimly at that, rising form his spot on the ground and pulling me up with him. "Now, as for our imminent encounter with the wolves, we don’t have time to get all the way back to the house, but we can get into our own territory at least."

"What are they even coming for?" I was quickly becoming angry with the wolf pack and their paranoia. "Nothing has changed since the last time I saw one of them."

"We won’t know until we talk with them," he sighed, "but I suspect it has to do with what you told Jacob Black."

"What are you talking about?" I startled easily, wondering what on earth he was saying. "I haven’t seen or spoken to Jacob in _days_!”

"The day you asked us to vote," Carlisle reminded me. "Edward said you told Jacob about your plan to become one of us. Jacob did not take it well."

"But that was ages ago!" I half-shouted, feeling quite out of the loop and overwrought. "Wouldn’t they have come sooner if that was the case? And this little trip today hasn’t been long enough to suspect me being changed."

"I doubt they bother to think of the time available to us," Carlisle admitted with admirable calm. "They are paranoid of your human life being taken away."

"Which is ridiculous!" I exclaimed angrily, to which Carlisle raised both brows before I explained further, "It’s _my_ choice whether or not I’m changed! My life, my future, my choice. They’re taking that away from me.”

"They are hoping to preempt the possibility that they fear most," he interceded, only doubling my confusion.

"I don’t understand, Carlisle," I pressed him for more information in a hope of ending my confused train of thought.

"Think, Bella," he spoke insistently, grabbing my shoulders firmly in his effort to get his point across to me. "The others all disappear for the entire weekend, you are staying at our house during that time, Alice is not with you as we said she was, I get the weekend off through your assistance, and now the two of us are alone somewhere a good distance from Forks. While everything seems so normal to the outside observer, to the wolves it might appear as though we have orchestrated a very elaborate charade. All of it could seem to have been done in order to get you away from your family and friends, and then bite you."

"That’s so crazy it’s almost hilarious," I retorted with fury, fists clenched tightly at my side. "Why would we allow Charlie to think I’m coming back, if I actually wasn’t? Why would I be planning on going to school Monday? Why would I go through the change with Edward far away from me?"

"We don’t have time to argue the mechanics," he stopped me from continuing my rant. "We have to go now or we’ll never make it to our side."

Mid-step towards Carlisle, I found myself hanging onto his back while he ran pell-mell through the nighttime landscape, the blur of nature not even phasing my stomach. The wind beat my dark brown hair into wild submission as we made our way back towards Cullen territory, thankfully not getting caught up in any low-hanging branches. Facing the wolves was bad enough. Having my scalp ripped apart and forcing Carlisle to then fix me would make everything twenty times worse. The time, however, became my prime concern once we reached the thinner area of forest that indicated the back of the Cullen estate, every second like another strike against us as we hurried as close to home as we could get before the wolves found us.

The surrounding woods were dark, but for slivers of moonlight shining sporadically amongst the vegetation, and felt suddenly dangerous, despite the lessening density of trees. Perhaps not dangerous for me; the pack wasn’t going to attack me. But it was undeniably dangerous for Carlisle. The wolves suspected him of changing me, or at least planning to. That was an offense worthy of death, by way of the ignorant treaty that was the bane of both my current life and my future existence. As much as I didn’t want to believe the Quileutes would gang up on Carlisle when he was so alone, a nagging feeling made me realize how easy it was for them to do just that. However much I might trust them with my human life, I could never trust the werewolves with the lives of my vampires. Whatever I, in my limited human capabilities, could do to stop them hurting Carlisle, I was going to do it. The gentle, peaceful man who led the Cullen family deserved more understanding and compassion than all the wolves (put together) had the capability to bestow. Jacob be damned, no one had any right to hurt Carlisle Cullen as far as I was concerned. I was glad Esme was away with the others, safe. She, too, would have garnered my mother bear instincts. Frail human though I was, nothing was stronger than my will to protect the people I loved. Edward, much as I loved him, was a fighter who could take care of himself, even if I hated to see him in a fight. I wasn’t so certain about his kindhearted parents, vampires or no.

Just when I was beginning to wonder if the wolves had changed their minds and we would be able to get back to the house freely, growling from the nearby trees interrupted my hopes. Carlisle pushed himself even harder, if that were possible, and I knew we hadn’t made it to the safe zone yet. Why, oh why, did the journey seem so long when we needed to get back? It had seemed but a short skip across the grass earlier this evening. The growling increased in volume, signaling the closeness of the wolves. Fear gripped me powerfully and the rapid beats of my heart probably terrified Carlisle as much as they did me. If the wolves wanted me to live, then why were they nearly giving me a heart-attack like this? Wasn’t Harry’s death proof of the fragility of a human heart, no matter what their diet was?

So engrossed was I in my heart rate, that Carlisle’s abrupt stop and turn scared me positively witless. The jumping of my heart startled Carlisle into whipping his head around to me in concern. Furrowing his brows was the limit of his reaction otherwise, however, and I soon saw why. Sam Uley stood on the fringing tree line form which Carlisle had run, flanked by Paul, Jared, Embry, and Jacob, forty feet apart from us. All of them were human, but the shaking in Paul and Jacob was just getting started from what I could see. Carlisle instantly wished to set me on my own feet, but if I was separated from him, who knew what the wolves might do? So I tightened my hold on his neck and waist, unwilling to let go. He sighed so low I barely heard it, but someone growled from the lineup in reply. Silence, uncomfortable and tense, plagued the air around us for a moment.

"What have you come for?" Carlisle spoke up at last, with a cool head, calm as a still summer sky; it was so averse to my rampant pulse.

"We are here to ensure Bella’s safety," Sam answered with authority, the dark of his eyes glinting thoughtfully in the minuscule moonlight that filtered through the leafy canopy above his head.

My safety? That was a laugh; a good, long, hearty laugh that Sam clearly hadn’t caught onto yet. Carlisle was one of the safest people for me to be around, particularly compared to the pack. With Paul and Jacob tearing up everything in sight whenever they became angry, it was a wonder I was still alive after my visits to La Push. No matter what I had told Edward about Jacob being unwilling to hurt me, the gangly teen had a surefire temper which I wouldn’t want to see unleashed on even-tempered Carlisle.

"You should leave then," the retort flew from my tongue thoughtlessly, anger coiling fiercely in my stomach. "Paul and Jacob, at the very least. Just look at them shaking! Tempers fray awfully fast around those two, don’t you think, Sam?"

Jacob inhaled sharply, his eyes shooting feelings of betrayal my way, but he only made me angrier for his denial. I could feel the stubbornness and brazen courage that I had called upon with Dr. Bailey, leaking into my veins tenfold. Werewolves or no werewolves, this was beyond ridiculous and I wouldn’t stand for it.

"I’ve got a damn good reason for my temper!" Jacob growled at me, glaring hard. "It was obvious when Sue told my dad what you did at the hospital! Obviously you were trying to make it look normal that you were alone with him. No one would have suspected anything was out of place. He could have ruined your life out here and no one would ever have known. Well, I’m not leaving until you’re safe from him!"

Forget ‘worrying Jacob’ about my ties with the Cullens. He was being one big idiot. It wasn’t hard to see that he suggested this whole fiasco to Sam and the others.

"No one is leaving," Sam added stiffly and I barely made out the contours of Jacob’s fists clenching tightly at his sides. "We are not the danger, here."

"What is then?" Carlisle intervened before my electric tongue could get us any further on Sam’s bad side. In retrospect, Carlisle’s voice was not exactly the most peaceable I’d ever heard it, either. Some dark humor littered his tone. "What danger do you foresee?"

"You nearly turn her into a freak like you," Paul spat at Carlisle literally and figuratively, only incensing my fury when spittle landed on the toe of Carlisle’s shoe, "and you have the guts to ask that?"

"I have done no such thing," Carlisle snapped back, uncharacteristically short-tempered compared to normal. "There was neither attempt nor intention to change Bella tonight. The idea is ludicrous."

"Why were you alone together then?" Jacob snarled hideously. Carlisle did not deign to answer and I only raised my brow in disbelief. Did he think he had the right to know my every move? Not on my watch.

"Every liability, every pretense, was in place tonight," Sam insisted sternly, with no small amount of vexation at our denial. "There was no suspicion on this evening or even the whole weekend. You had it perfectly planned."

"In case you hadn’t noticed," I spoke through gritted teeth, ignoring the fact that Carlisle had almost spoken. This was becoming just too rich for me to hold my thoughts back. "I’m human. Not vampire, but human. Charlie expects me back Monday morning, all my classmates were expecting to see me on Monday, Mike Newton saw me at work today, Edward isn’t here with us… There are fifty different loopholes in this so-called perfect plan that you’ve concocted in your minds. There are dozens of things, about your idea and your reaction to it, that don’t make any sense whatsoever. Namely the fact that you believe it’s your _freaking_ business whether or not I become a vampire! It’s my life to lead. Not yours. Just because you won’t try to understand the Cullens, don’t try and force your prejudices on me.”

"You don’t know what you’re talking about!" Paul shouted at me, shaking with the force of a hurricane.

"They’re monsters!" Jacob added in a hiss. "You want to be a monster?"

"Look in the mirror much?" I shouted back, heedless of who I was offending or what Carlisle might wish to say. The latter part made me feel a bit guilty, but I wasn’t in the mood for guilt just then. I was in the mood for a fight. "The Cullens are not monsters, they’re people with hearts and souls! They don’t deserve this crap from you!"

With that, both Jacob and Paul exploded from their human forms and into the gigantic russet and gray wolves I remembered.

"He’s brainwashed her or something!" Jared made an ugly sneering face at Carlisle that sent my blood boiling and Carlisle’s body into steel-strong tension. "Let’s take him out!"

Sam appeared to give the idea a thought, but his eyes were fixed upon me, perched atop Carlisle’s form and wound around him like a snake. I was never happier that I had decided to stay in that position. It was keeping the battle at bay, keeping Carlisle safe.

"This is madness," Carlisle insisted with vivid outrage. "I have done nothing to overstep the bounds of the treaty. You are out of line!"

"If any of you dogs even _think_ of hurting Carlisle, I swear to God…!” I hissed venomously, immediately as the vampire in question finished speaking. If I had been a vampire, I would have snarled horrendously with my razor-sharp teeth bared and gleaming with venom. In response, Jared went from trembling to exploding into his wolf form.

"They won’t," a new voice floated down to us from behind, in the direction of the house, so wildly welcome even in its blazing fury. "Believe me!"

"Edward!" I shouted in gladness, turning in time to see his glorious bronze hair flash up just a foot in front of Carlisle. I made a grab for his icy hand, even as I remained with Carlisle. Edward kept his gaze locked on the wolves ahead, but easily and gently reached back to encase my hand in his long, slender fingers for a moment. The comfort I gained from that simple gesture was immeasurable, even after he let go.

"Oh, of course, she only notices Edward," Alice’s tinkling voice sounded sarcastically as she flashed up on Carlisle’s right side.

"Alice!" my mouth finally caught up with my brain and a little smile split my face at her addition. I reached out for her hand the same as I had for Edward’s and the pixie-like vampire promptly held onto the offered appendage with skinny fingers. She grinned her trademark mischievous grin in return, despite our circumstances. Apparently I was forgiven.

Little gusts of wind burst across my face as the other Cullens joined us, Jasper close enough to Alice that she rolled her eyes. The calm that filled us all a second later was strong, but not strong enough to make Jacob stop growling. Esme came directly to Carlisle’s left side rather than standing ahead, one of her hands in her husband’s grasp and the other resting tenderly atop my arm where it was still tightly bound on Carlisle’s neck. Her eyes looked upon me warmly, albeit concernedly, at the same time that Emmett’s hulky form appeared shoulder-to-shoulder with Edward. The last I spotted was Rosalie, taking up a position behind and to the left of Emmett, but still ahead of Esme. There was no doubt that she was guarding Esme very carefully. Sam and the pack were distinctly outnumbered now and looking quite disgruntled. Elation swept through me at our advantage.

"You are not welcome here," Edward growled deeply. "Leave now."

Sam hesitated, likely torn between his disadvantaged team and his mission to stop what Jacob had described. Some common sense, however, was still left in Sam and Embry, both of whom were extremely still-mannered despite the anger of the other three wolves. Whether it was my words, Carlisle’s words, the imminent threat, or some feeling that Jasper was pushing, I wouldn’t know, but the alpha finally nodded once to his pack and turned back into the woods. Paul and Jacob were barely willing to follow, but Jared and Embry ensured they were coming. No one spoke as the pack dispersed. Once they disappeared into the trees, relief filled every inch of me. At last I allowed my body to relax.

Edward and Jasper leapt right onto the border of Cullen territory and followed the wolves’ progress using their unique talents. Emmett and Rosalie stood in wait just behind them, to help in case of a rebound decision on the part of the pack, but Alice danced toward the house and kissed my cheek as she passed. Carlisle and Esme turned toward the house also, but I barely glimpsed the building from the distance, before we were standing at the back door. I was still clinging to Carlisle’s back and it took me a minute to realize he was trying to let me on my own two feet after so long scrunched up.

"I’m going to need a little help," I admitted with a sheepish smile at Esme, who tried her utmost, but unsuccessfully, to stifle a laugh of mixed relief and humor. Carlisle held no such reservation and laughed openly as he pried me off of his back. I was still standing in the circle of his and Esme’s arms for support when Edward and Jasper returned to us.

* * *

 


	4. Sensible

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 4: Sensible**

To my amazingly good fortune (or perhaps I was unknowingly sharing the fortune of some exceptionally lucky person out there), Alice’s vision didn’t go quite the way she originally thought it would. Billy Black no longer was going to be telling Charlie what Jacob knew. Even if Billy did inform Charlie that Alice wasn’t at the house earlier in the day, he couldn’t have proved it. Alice was present now and if Charlie checked into it, he would see exactly what he had been told was going on. I couldn’t have asked for things to go much better after what occurred with the pack.

Having Edward and Alice squished on either side of me into only two-thirds of the couch was unbelievably comforting after the kind of day I’d had. The time spent with Carlisle was enjoyable and a wonderful bonding experience, but the other parts of the day hadn’t gone especially well. My bad dreams and sleepless night, being late for work and watching Mike’s parents argue, my graceless fall and confrontation with Dr. Bailey, the return of my dreams and the fearful moments in the Mercedes, and finally the incident with the wolves. It was good that Carlisle had been there in between all the bad things, to keep me from screaming in frustration. His presence had helped immensely. All the same, I was beyond glad that Edward was there with me on the sofa, his hard and cold body as familiar to me as breathing (when Edward wasn’t dazzling me, anyway).

"Apart from the time I spent with Carlisle, this is the best moment I’ve had since the six of you left yesterday," I murmured onto Edward’s shoulder, simultaneously fiddling with the button on his shirt pocket and gazing into his eyes as if I could happily drown in them. The bandages on my hands made the former a bit difficult, but I wasn’t exactly thinking all that coherently with him so close.

"I don’t know that my ego would call that a bad thing, necessarily," Edward grinned at me with lazy happiness, running long fingers through my messy dark locks. "But I do truly hate the thought of you having such a terrible time. What happened to ruin the rest of your day?"

"Well, I missed you, of course," I admitted thoughtlessly, still firmly trapped by his eyes, causing his grin to widen noticeably and my face to heat up in embarrassment. If he was trying to draw out my thoughts in as undiluted a form as possible, he had me right where he wanted me. "And then I couldn’t sleep well."

The stroking atop my head stilled abruptly and Edward’s gaze turned pained. Everyone in the room (and outside of it), Edward most of all, understood that my inability to sleep well was caused by nightmares. My bronze-haired vampire resumed drawing his pianist fingers through my tresses after an awkward pause, saying nothing, but implying everything. Regret, apology, love, guilt, sadness; they were all there in his features for my eyes to see.

"What else made your day so go wrong?" he asked me just loud enough for human ears. I knew nothing more could be said at that point. My nightmares weren’t going to simply up and leave without a struggle, and what Edward did or did not do months ago was already forgiven.

"I was late for work," I moved onto the other issues I encountered with decidedly less enthusiasm, mostly because I knew that the coming night would be riddled through with the aforementioned nightmares. "Then Mike’s parents were arguing, so I left early to leave them with some dignity before it got too ugly."

"Yes, Mike has actually been a little worried lately," Edward admitted with a small frown. "Nothing serious, but he’s not used to them getting so heated. Money has gotten tight enough that his parents are increasingly stressed about what bills they should focus on foremost, although they think he hasn’t realized it yet."

"Should you be telling me that?" I asked him with a frown. "It’s not actually common knowledge or anything."

"It is, actually," Edward responded evenly. "Mike’s father had some hardship paying a number of bills, a few months ago. From there it was somehow leaked that the store wasn’t faring well, although Mike doesn’t have any idea how it got out."

"The store isn’t doing well?" I questioned incredulously, oblivious to any such information. "Are they going to go out of business?"

"Not likely," Carlisle answered instead of Edward, drawing my attention to where he sat on the opposite sofa with Esme curled up catlike against his chest. "Things might be difficult for a while, but I can’t imagine they’ll have to go out."

"I’m glad," I relaxed somewhat, but worry for Mike and his parents still bothered me. I hated to see them pay me for a tiny little job while still having financial troubles to contend with.

"They’ll be all right," Alice popped into the conversation belatedly, startling me somewhat with the confidence and determination that bespoke a vision. "Mr. Newton will take on a side job to counter their strained expenses. Mrs. Newton will take over management of the store for a while. Don’t you worry, Bella. Everything will be fine."

"The stories of bears or some such in this area probably frightened off some of the out-of-town visitors," Esme pitched in with a motherly smile. "Once the scare dies down, I’m sure business will pick up again."

"Did you look into their future?" I put the question to Alice, turning towards her a little surprised.

"You were worried," she shrugged. "I wanted to reassure you."

"Aw, Alice," my face flushed with gratitude. "You didn’t have to do that."

"But I wanted to." She kissed my left temple and waved me off, focusing on the nails she had just flashed in front of her eyes with dissatisfaction. "Ugh, the color is all chipped."

Everyone except Edward stifled their laughter to a certain degree. If I had been biting my lip any harder, I would unfortunately have drawn blood. Alice rolled her eyes and reached around me to punch my boyfriend’s shoulder playfully. He just laughed again and tucked me back under the same icy shoulder, his arm still available to be hit again if Alice so chose. He was probably taunting her, but Alice gave up much easier than she ever had before, instead leaning her dark head comfortably onto Edward’s arm. We must have looked like a very odd sandwich, mine and Alice’s heads as the bread and Edward’s arm as the filling, but it was nice being loved and feeling safe between my boyfriend and my best friend. A sigh of happiness left me, drawing Edward’s eyes down to me. Another sudden laugh escaped him, startling me into looking up at him.

"What?" My face was crunched in confusion. "What’s so funny?"

"You’re wearing my shirt," he chuckled and squeezed me closely to him.

"Oh," I blushed fiercely, deeply mortified at being caught by him. "I must look so silly in it. It’s much too long."

"I rather like it on you," Edward admitted mischievously, bending to nuzzle the side of my neck. The tiny smile on my lips only lasted until I turned to look back into Edward’s eyes. It was then that I noticed the tint of his irises.

Despite my joy at seeing Edward and the rest of the family after our near-fiasco with the pack, it was obvious that their hunting was unfinished. Except for Carlisle, no one’s eyes were yet as light as they should have been. Esme’s took on a very dark amber tone. Emmett and Rosalie, wrapped into each others’ arms out on the front porch, had beheld eyes somewhere in the range of dark burnished gold when I’d seen them a short time earlier. Edward and Alice claimed eyes nearer to liquid onyx than any golden hue. From the split second that I had been able to see Jasper’s eyes, his weren’t much better. Even with my disappointment that Edward likely couldn’t stay the night, I knew I had to point out what was best for them all. It was also much easier to ensure that Edward was there at school during the week if he had already hunted on the weekend. Spending a day at school without him by my side was a torture I was unprepared to endure as yet.

"You guys must have had a really light meal," I spoke up knowingly, causing a few chuckles from the assembled vampires, except Rosalie. That was somewhat expected, but I was heavily disappointed to find Emmett’s amusement so dim and quiet compared to its normal, boisterous amplitude. He had been okay when the family voted on my mortality, but afterward the humor started to thin out, piece by piece, until now he wasn’t making any at all. I was glad that Rosalie seemed to have gotten less irascible lately, because Emmett needed more sympathy than his wife’s attitude normally employed.

"Your eyes are still too dark. I guess there weren’t any irritable grizzlies out there." My attempt to get Emmett’s booming humor back into play was fruitless. If he even chuckled, I didn’t hear it. The situation warranted a more serious solution than simple jokes.

"Game was rather sparse in the area we first tried and whatever we did get was especially small." Edward shrugged the arm that wasn’t wrapped tightly about my shoulders. He glanced out to the porch hesitantly and then cast me a sad, but appreciative look. "So we were heading further northeast into Canada. That’s why it took so long for us to get here."

"How _did_ you get here?” Carlisle curiously begged the question. “Alice, didn’t you say you would still be ten miles away when the wolves appeared?”

"That’s what I thought," Alice sighed in obvious confusion. "They must have taken longer to act after you first came to their awareness. I can’t explain it any other way. Oh, it’s so frustrating to not _see_ them!”

Alice crossed her arms miserably beside me, even with her head still occupying Edward’s upper arm; but no matter how much she huffed and puffed, it was clear she was happy they all made it to us on time.

"Maybe when they saw I was human," I threw in, reaching around my waist to grab Alice’s rocklike hand with sympathy, "they were startled enough to hold back from confronting us immediately."

"That must be it!" Alice exclaimed with a sudden, brilliant smile. "It makes perfect sense. Bella, I love you!"

"Thanks," I chuckled along with everyone except Rosalie when Alice turned to kiss my head in gratitude from around her brother’s arm. Well, Jasper didn’t laugh either, but that was because he’d remained outside after the confrontation, rather than come in. With a disappointed sigh, I realized I would have to do something about that. I didn’t really know how to fix it, but it was imperative that I did in the near future. He couldn’t keep feeling guilty about the accident at my birthday party.

"You’ll figure out something," Alice told me dismissively all of a sudden before bolting off of me, Edward, and the seat, then disappearing out the back of the house. She must have seen some sketchy plans involving myself and Jasper discussing the birthday incident, which explained her comment. As for her bolting, I guessed Jasper wanted to see her, since Edward didn’t seem too perturbed. With a slight jolt, I remembered my boyfriend could easily tell me what was going on.

"Is Jasper okay?" I asked and turned to look back at Edward’s contented face, my brow raised in question.

"He went back for the things Carlisle had to leave in the glade." He smiled my favorite crooked smile and kissed my forehead languidly. "Alice wanted to go and speed him up, in case the wolves come back to prowl in the neutral territory."

"She didn’t see that, did she?" alarm crept into my voice at the thought.

"No, nothing like that," Edward reassured me, holding me closer if that was possible. His tone seemed honest, but at the same time something wasn’t quite right. "She’s just impatient; doesn’t want to wait on the off chance that she does see anything."

"Oh," I accepted his explanation with tiny sigh of relief, relaxing back against his granite side. He at least didn’t seem worried. I supposed that I didn’t need to know everything Alice did. "That’s good."

Edward continued to stroke my hair comfortingly for a long while, occasionally laying a loving kiss onto the top of my head. All the while, my thoughts traveled down random paths; nothing very important passing through… until I remembered my truck. It was still back at the hospital, left there this afternoon after Carlisle took me away in the Mercedes. I just decided to ask Carlisle and Edward about going to get it, when Alice popped back into the room like a bullet.

"Good idea," Alice told me in approval and I could only blink until I realized we were going to get my truck after all.

Alice dragged me out of Edward’s embrace, to our extreme reluctance. I thought of asking him to come, too, but Alice stopped me cold a moment later. “Edward would be seen, Bella.”

"Fine," I sighed in resignation. The tone of my best friend’s voice said it was a vision, not just a precaution.

"Carlisle, you too," Alice insisted, but certainly made no move to pull him up as she had me. "We have to make it look good."

"Very well," Carlisle agreed and Esme shifted off of his lap as reluctantly as I had left Edward’s embrace. It made me feel very good inside to compare my relationship to theirs. They were so obviously in love with each other and had remained together for almost a century.

I thought of bringing a jacket with me, mostly because I needed to hide Edward’s shirt from public sight. Before the thought really even registered, Alice was there with one of her less stylistic jackets and my keys jingling in her hand. The three of us – Carlisle, Alice, and I – headed out to get into the Mercedes not a minute later. Despite myself, I glanced warily towards the trees surrounding the property, while images of the wolves snapping at us flashed around my head. Alice dragged me into the back seat with a reassuring word and Carlisle slid into the driver’s seat.

"I wish you could have spent the night as I envisioned," Alice offered the morsel of thought up with a pout as Carlisle backed out of the garage and took off towards the hospital at high speed. "You were going to love it."

"I wish it had gone that way, too," I told her with a calm front, but the shiver that rolled down my spine easily notified Alice that I had a very different reason for wishing it.

"I know." She gave me a reassuring hug and I sighed gratefully into her stony, purple-clad shoulder. "Let’s not think about it anymore."

"Gladly." That was very easy to agree to. Carlisle glanced back at us with an unreadable look on his face, but kept his thoughts to himself.

There was more silence for about a minute before Alice turned to me with a very tense expression, quiet unlike her normal self. “Bella?”

"Yeah?" I looked at her questioningly, worriedly even.

"Jasper will difficult to corner," she began pensively; her brows furrowed deeply. "I know you were planning to talk with him about your birthday… so I suggested the idea to him. He was very upset and refused outright. And even if I kept it a secret that you might be coming over, he could smell you from a mile away and run off before you got there. I honestly don’t know what to do about it right now."

I was actually very glad that this subject was coming up. If anyone could help me talk to Jasper, it was Alice.

"When you say _suggested_ ,” I presented the question without really thinking it through, “what did you actually say?”

"I told him that you needed to discuss it with him," she told me honestly, looking a little worried at her word choice. "Though that might have sounded as if you were angry… Oh, that wasn’t a good way to put it. How stupid of me. I should know Jasper better than that."

I didn’t like the frown on her face; it was unnatural for her bubbly personality.

"Maybe if I wrote him a note first," the idea came to my mind suddenly, "and I told him that I wasn’t mad? I could write it when we get back…"

"Maybe," Alice agreed tentatively and then her eyes briefly went into the trancelike state that alerted me to her having a vision. "…Yes, that will help."

"Okay," I felt relieved that I could do something to help. "I’ll do it when we get back. That way, Jasper can ponder it without interruption once you guys go back to the hunt."

"That’s fine," Alice nodded, relief also coloring her voice. "Deputy in forty-four seconds, Carlisle."

The car slowed almost immediately, Carlisle coming within the speed limit just as we passed Charlie’s deputy. Once out of sight, the speed ratcheted upwards again for all of the two minutes it took to arrive at the hospital and pull up by my old Chevy.

Alice got out with me and hopped into the passenger side of the truck with her usual spry step. The roar of the engine startled me and the both of us laughed while I pulled out of the parking spot. Alice was much more enthusiastic now that we had a plan of action in reference to the Jasper situation. As a result, the return trip seemed much quicker, even with my truck’s limited speed. Coming up on the diner on our way back, I could see why Edward would have been noticed on our little excursion. It seemed like every student from Forks High School’s senior class was congregating there. With the number of kids there, I couldn’t believe that I had missed it on the way into town. Angela and Ben waved at us when we drove by, which Alice and I both returned with a smile.

We were soon following Carlisle’s black Mercedes through the nature-lined drive that curved up to the Cullen house, and parked in the driveway. Before the roar of my truck had even died down, Edward was at my door and helping me out. Alice disappeared around the back of the house in a barely-visible blur, probably to find Jasper. I didn’t bother questioning when Edward lifted me into his arms to zip back into the house and I easily allowed him to assist me in removing the borrowed jacket. He silently took my hand and led me to a side table which I remembered as housing a pad of paper and pen. Accepting the pad and pen with a smile, I moved to settle myself at the dining room table so I could write my note to Jasper. Edward did not sit with me, but stood leaning over the back of my chair, lips resting on the top of my head and his comfortingly cold hands lightly massaging my shoulders.

Carlisle was long-settled with Esme again by the time Edward and I sat back down onto the opposite sofa. This time, Esme was curled up beside Carlisle with her small arms wrapped about his middle and her head of caramel waves tucked up tightly into the crook of his neck.

"You’ll make sure Jasper doesn’t leave before I can give him this, won’t you?" I spoke up softly, the first words I’d said since entering the house.

"Of course," Edward smiled genuinely at me, pulling me back into his lap with a peck against my lips. "But Alice will pretty much have that covered."

"True," I agreed with a happy sigh, leaning my head onto his chest contentedly as we lapsed into a comfortable silence.

"Bella," Edward went on to say after a brief pause, with his eyebrows lowered in dismay all of a sudden, "something about tonight bothers me…"

"What is it?" I prompted him when he didn’t continue.

"What exactly did you think you were doing," he asked, glancing down at me accusingly, "latching yourself onto Carlisle with five werewolves staring you down? The thought of you in such easy range is paralyzing."

Just the mention of the threat on Carlisle’s life sent my temper rising. That was the part of the ordeal with the wolves that I hated the most. Jacob’s accusations I could handle; even his hateful attitude against the Cullens was something I could deal with in some way. But the near-attack on Carlisle, who had done nothing to deserve it, was positively infuriating. I folded my arms petulantly, very similar to Alice earlier. Carlisle and Esme watched us in interest from their sofa, clearly just as interested in my thoughts on the matter as Edward was. Rosalie led a still-quiet Emmett off the porch and away from the house, leaving the four of us alone together in body, even if not in auditory range.

"I wasn’t going to leave him!" I replied with difficulty through the grinding of my teeth and the three of them seemed more confused by this.

"Staying where Carlisle could protect you would have been better for all concerned," Edward insisted, deepening the furrow of his brows as his incomprehension increased. "Much safer for you, in particular."

"They were going to _attack_ him!” I half-shouted back at Edward, startling both him and his parents with my vibrant outburst in the quiet house. “They wouldn’t have left him unharmed. If I had left Carlisle to stand on his own, all five of them would have jumped him without a single shred of compunction! With me wrapped around him, they couldn’t get a piece of him without hurting me, too. They couldn’t get him if I was right on top of him. It kept him safe.”

A moment of silence washed over us with stifling intensity, the likes of which made me cringe inside. The three vampires stared blankly, uncomprehendingly, at me. It was like I was telling a very bad joke and the punch line just didn’t hit home yet. Way to go, Bella.

Edward was the first to break from his surprise, eyes tight but glassy as he replied, “You… are a silly, irrational, ungodly stubborn, and fantastically beautiful person, Bella. But never – I mean _never_ – do that again. I don’t think I can take that kind of fear again, especially right now.”

"Um…" I didn’t quite know how to respond to that.

Edward grimaced and held me a little tighter still. “We’ll talk that over later… Otherwise, thank you for protecting Carlisle.”

"I thank you, too, Bella," Esme smiled, looking as near to tears as a vampire could ever get. "If anything had happened to Carlisle…"

From the trembling of her body, the caramel-haired mother of the Cullens was trying valiantly not to give into tearless sobs. I felt my own chin wobble a bit at the thought of her and the others living without their husband and father for the rest of eternity. The vampire in question took a minute longer to come around, but when he did, it wasn’t the typical cool-mannered Carlisle I thought it would be.

"Isabella!" he scolded me sternly, frowning mildly my way. Mild-mannered as the doctor was, it was easy to see how Carlisle maintained the behavior of his children. One disappointed look or word was enough to send me hiding in the sand, and I hadn’t even lived with it for almost a century.

"Yes?" I replied meekly, shrinking into Edward’s side a little, who squeezed my shoulders and chuckled quietly. Rather an unsympathetic chuckle, if I was allowed to have my say, but then no one was asking me.

"I don’t want to see you do anything like that ever again," Carlisle repeated Edward’s sentiment sharply, although he softened into his normal, gentle features immediately upon seeing my slight wince and Esme’s still-trembling features. "But thank you for your protection and your care. Your instincts were on target, I imagine."

Having said his piece, Carlisle turned his gentle attentions to Esme’s emotional upset, kissing and embracing her with more sweetness than even Sam gave Emily. The thought of the wolves made me wince, but I ignored the discomfort in favor of watching Edward’s parents with interest. Their hair reminded me irresistibly of french vanilla ice cream and melted caramel, mixing fluidly together as Carlisle softly leaned his head onto the top of hers. Unlike with Sam and Emily, I found myself able to stare rudely at the couple, entranced by the lovely devotion of their romance. Carlisle and Esme’s dedication to each other was so pure and beautiful, I couldn’t look away until Edward spoke again.

"Hopefully nothing like that will ever happen again," Edward suggested with a mildly conciliatory smile, placing another kiss to my forehead.

"Maybe," I threw in the agreement cautiously. Edward sighed once he recognized the stubborn set of my features, tipping his head onto the back of the sofa and closing his eyes tensely. He hated to see me put myself in harm’s way for any reason, but I wasn’t about to change it. When someone I loved was in danger, I was going to protect them, simply put.

"We have to get a move on," he changed the topic too easily, but I wasn’t in the mood to be stubborn in the last few moments I would see him until Monday.

"Oh, yeah," I sat up straighter in his lap with determined purpose, but the disappointment in my tone was fairly obvious. "You have to leave right now?"

"We really should," Alice’s perky voice as she danced back to us couldn’t fail to brighten my outlook a little bit, despite missing Edward already and hating the tension between us over our disagreement. "You’ll be back in Edward’s presence by Monday."

"Of course," I agreed with false energy, looking at my bent knees uncomfortably. If there was a little bit of a strain in my voice, I just couldn’t help it. "It’s just one day."

Edward’s granite arms enfolded me faster than I could blink and it took a moment for my arms to respond automatically in kind, wrapping hesitantly about his neck. I raised my head and looked at him somewhat apologetically, our point of contention forgotten for the moment. As he kissed me, his almost-fully dark eyes seemed to melt into absolute sweetness; the same sweetness that I had just witnessed in Carlisle’s eyes when he looked upon Esme. Soft though the contact of his kiss was, I had a little trouble breathing. Edward smiled a tiny bit at that.

"I’ll see you Monday morning," he whispered with a loving smile once he pulled away just enough to press his forehead to mine. "I love you."

"I love you," I returned the sentiment when my breath was back to normal. "Catch a lion for me."

Edward smiled fully at the latter comment, placing another peck on my lips as he stood. Esme moved in to give me a light hug, still cautious, but a little more openly affectionate now that she had some small nourishment in her system from their brief hunt.

"We’ll see you soon, Bella." She then flashed out the front door just as Jasper reluctantly entered the room from the back and walked forward to wait beside Edward.

I turned to him with a hesitant smile, which he returned equally as tentatively while Alice stepped up to my side. Jasper was obviously uncomfortable and I knew he wouldn’t come close enough for me to give him my note. I gladly took out the note I had written and gave it over to Alice, so she could pass it to him. Alice accepted it with a grateful smile and took me into a hug. Tiny she might be, but the pixie hugged me so strongly that I was lifted off the couch and a few inches off the floor.

"Bye Bella," she chirped quietly in my ear, smiling again as she pulled away and set me on my feet. "Try not to corrupt Carlisle."

"Ha!" I scoffed in reply and she giggled at me. "Impossible, Alice. He’s Carlisle! Pure and incorruptible to a fault."

"She has you pegged," Edward teased his father with a smirk that Jasper was echoing to a tee. Carlisle rolled his golden eyes in exasperation at me, but his thoughts and emotions must have been even more annoyed, for Jasper snickered quietly after a moment and Edward laughed with joy. The sound was beautiful music to my ears; better than any symphony.

"Oh, get moving," Carlisle’s sigh was annoyed, but fondly so, and he swatted his sons away. Edward just grinned outright at that and flashed away with a smirking Jasper and giggling Alice, who pecked Carlisle’s cheek as she danced out the door and pulled it shut behind her.

"Well," Carlisle looked back at me with good humor after a moment in which I suspected he was following the last sound of the family’s footsteps as they left the area. "Now that I’m incorruptible, I suppose I’ll have to enforce bedtime like any disciplined parent would."

I grinned at him at the thought, but the absence of Edward combined with idea of sleeping made a fearful amount of nerves collide in my stomach. The coming night would be a long night without Edward. I frowned worriedly and Carlisle, of course, had no difficulty picking up on my obvious discomfort very rapidly. Having such an open face was definitely a disadvantage, in my opinion.

"What’s wrong?" he asked me gently, pulling me into his right side comfortingly. To my utter chagrin, I found myself wanting to explain to him all about my fears. The entire day seemed to be made up of confessions and admissions.

"I… it’s no big deal, really," I still did my best to downplay the issue, not wanting to worry Carlisle overmuch.

"Tell me anyway," he insisted kindly, leading me to sit on the sofa that we had occupied that very afternoon when discussing souls and vampires. Sitting made me feel extremely restless, like I had to walk to stop myself from sleeping and therefore succumbing to nightmares, but I forced myself to remain and talk with Carlisle. He might even have something that I could take; something that would give me a dreamless sleep. I wouldn’t know until I asked.

"It’s just the dreams."

The words were quiet in the house, feeling so empty now that the others had gone. By now, Edward and the others were probably halfway back to wherever they had planned to hunt.

"Ah, I see," Carlisle nodded in understanding. "The same as last night and this afternoon?"

"Yes," I nodded my agreement tentatively, eyes riveted to my lap.

"Would you like to talk about them?" he offered quietly, solemnly, matching my declining mood very well.

"No, not really," the confession slipped past my lips bluntly.

"As you wish…" Carlisle conceded gracefully and it eased my conscience that he didn’t seem offended. "Is there anything I can do to help you find rest tonight?"

"I don’t know." I shrugged my shoulders, not looking up at him. "Unless you have a big fat pill that will keep my sleep dreamless."

"I’m afraid not," he chuckled, strained thought it sounded, and I glanced up to find the skin between his brows pinched as if in pain.

"Well, I guess I’m stuck then," I said heavily, slumped into his side in frustration and disappointment.

"How long have you had these nightmares?" Carlisle continued to question me for some reason, confusing me somewhat by his persistence.

"A while." Admittance came much harder with that thought, knowing as I did how much the Cullens hated their choice to leave Forks and all its repercussions.

"Always the same as this one?" At that point he went further, even, than I thought he needed to.

"No," I answered with furrowed eyebrows, turning to look at him in silent curiosity. "They changed after the… after Italy."

Courage failed me before I could say ‘Volturi’ and I had no doubt that Carlisle sensed the change in wording with ease.

"Edward hasn’t mentioned them." Carlisle was really pressing the issue. It made me uneasy at first, as I hated thinking about the nightmares so much, but I decided to trust his judgment. "Believe me, he would have vented about them to me."

"Well, that’s understandable." The words were mumbled, but he heard me all the same, his eyes becoming fiercer than before. "I haven’t had them in front of him. Not the real bad stuff, anyway."

"I thought so," Carlisle smiled in sudden triumph, slight thought it was, once again surprising me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him worriedly. "What are you thinking?"

The irony of that question was not lost on me, but Carlisle was speaking again and I wanted to comprehend his thoughts rather than dwell on a private joke.

"You know as well as I do," he scolded me very lightly, "that Edward’s presence keeps your nightmares at bay."

"So what?" I decided not to argue the point. It was true and besides that, I was much more curious what Carlisle was trying to say.

"Perhaps another of us would be an adequate substitute," he suggested, much to my surprise.

"But…" No particularly good arguments were coming to mind, especially when I remembered that with Alice there after my cliff-diving stunt, I hadn’t had the dreams either. It did seem plausible. "You’d get tired of it, a whole night just sitting with me."

"I would not," Carlisle persisted much more gently. "I’d be happy to help."

"You really wouldn’t mind?" I needed the reassurance that he wouldn’t be losing an entire night thanks to my helplessness.

"Of course not." His voice was firm. I couldn’t deny his willingness. "I would feel terrible if I didn’t at least _try_ to help you.”

There was nothing more to say and I really did want to get some sleep that night. Sleep free of nightmares was so unbelievably relieving to my mind.

"Thanks, Carlisle," I gave in with a relieved sigh, rubbing my forehead tiredly. "That’s more of a relief than I realized."

"You’re very welcome," Carlisle smiled warmly, but it was followed swiftly by a thoughtful look. "Esme and I are very sorry we didn’t have a bed ready for you, by the way."

"It’s okay," I assured him with a careless shrug. "I mean, it’s not like I planned my argument yesterday afternoon or anything. Alice couldn’t have seen that I’d need one until it was already too late to get one. Whose bed did I get, anyway?"

"Mine and Esme’s," he chuckled. "I’m fairly certain it’s the only one that is in stable condition at the moment."

Carlisle’s face was a picture of both embarrassment and amusement. Redness flooded my face as I realized what he was implying about Edward’s siblings, causing him to laugh outright. That, of course, only made my cheeks flush deeper.

"I don’t think I needed to know that," was my mortified remark and we both laughed at that.

"I’m sorry," he apologized with a slightly chagrined countenance. "That’s one thing that will take you some getting used to, particularly with Emmett and Rosalie around."

"Okay," I started uncomfortably, although thankfully the heat was fading from my face. All the same, I really preferred a change of topic. "I think I’m hungry."

If his repressed grin and dancing golden eyes were anything to judge by, Carlisle wasn’t fooled in the least. He moved with me as I headed toward the kitchen, however, nary a word of my avoidance escaping his lips, as per his gentlemanly disposition.

"It’s a good thing there are leftovers." He allowed a bit of his grin to peek through as he commented, "Not such a waste, after all."

"I decided to mind my own business about that, I’ll have you know," I wagged a finger at him with an amused smile trying to turn my lips upward.

"Consider my words rescinded," Carlisle raised his hands in mock defeat, but the smile never left his face.

"All right then," I finally let my smile come through as I took the leftover food out of the refrigerator. "I guess that’s okay."

He chuckled while pulling out a few pans in which to reheat the dinner. The kitchen was mostly silent as we worked together to make my leftovers edible once more; the only sounds being those of stirring, some bubbling, and the quiet clangs of utensils and dishes against the stove and countertop. Finally, I had warm food, a fork, a napkin, a glass of milk, and a seat next to Carlisle at the dining table. Silence remained prevalent in the room as I ate; the same comfortable kind that had encroached during my early dinner. I felt no need to disperse it until I set my plate aside some time later.

"It’s even perfect when it’s reheated." Humor laced my voice as I spoke, but I was aware of tiredness setting in; my eyelids felt a little bit heavy. I decided that the sofa sounded much more comfortable than the dining chair. "Do you have some magical cooking abilities or something?"

"Of course," Carlisle agreed mischievously, taking in my barely-repressed yawn with keen eyes as we rose to head to the couch, "but it looks like you’re far more interested in the tallying of sheep than discussing my cooking abilities."

I grimaced in displeasure and half-fell onto the soft cushions. “Ugh, I can’t hide anything.”

"No, I’m afraid you can’t hide much in this household," he responded laughingly beside me. "Am I to assume you don’t wish to go to bed yet?"

"You assume correctly," I nodded, slumping back against the couch to get more comfortable all the same.

"Well, then I’m going to change," Carlisle stood from his seat again as he spoke. "Why don’t you think of what you’d like to do?"

"You’ll be back here before I can even begin to think!" I told him incredulously.

"I’ll move at human speed," he dismissed my worry before disappearing upstairs at an ironically _inhuman_ speed.

With a sigh, I determined to think of something before he came back, but I was getting sleepier by the minute. I would likely fall asleep right in the middle of whatever we were doing, anyway. Something simple would be best and I knew exactly what we could do.

"Carlisle," I tentatively called out, hoping he would forego that human speed now. Just as I had guessed, Carlisle came back downstairs in a breeze barely a millisecond later, dressed in a familiar combination of a button-up shirt, sweater, and scarf. The scarf and button-up were both a light gray that contrasted nicely with Carlisle’s dark blue sweater. He did happen to surprise me by having on a pair of dark blue corduroy pants to match his sweater.

"That was quick," he offered the thought and took a seat beside me, arm sliding up onto the back of the couch.

"Yeah," I just shrugged, already feeling the slight heaviness pressing on my eyelids. "I just thought we could watch a movie, if you don’t mind."

"It looks like a very relaxing idea," Carlisle agreed and eyed me amusedly, but did not comment on my growing drowsiness any further. "What were you thinking of watching?"

"I don’t know." I shrugged again. "Something easy and familiar, I guess. So I don’t feel bad for missing any of it… Do you have any Disney movies?"

Blood rushed to my cheeks from embarrassment, but Carlisle didn’t appear perturbed in the least.

"You’d be surprised how popular Disney has been in our family." He shook his head indulgently. "Esme is particularly fond of _Snow White_.”

That fact made me snort with laughter.

"What’s so funny?" Carlisle inquired with some surprise.

"I’m sorry," I flushed tomato red, but couldn’t erase my smile. "It’s just ironic that she loves Snow White. The first day I visited, I thought that meeting Esme was like meeting Snow White in the flesh."

"I rather like the sound like of that." Carlisle smiled affectionately at the comparison. "At least, in reference to the Disney version. Snow White was very sweet and big-hearted, just like Esme."

"Even better." I smiled with him. "At first, I my only reason for thinking it was because she reminded me so much of a fairy tale. Now I have a real comparison… Is that her only favorite?"

"Oh no," Carlisle chuckled. "She loves most of the romantic ones. _Sleeping Beauty_ , _Cinderella_ , _The Little Mermaid_ , and the like. _The Rescuers_ is also a favorite of hers, though.”

"What ones do you like best?" I questioned him, voice heavy-laden with curiosity.

"I was intrigued by _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_ ,” he answered a bit dryly, raising a pale brow more sardonically than I expected, “but _Pinocchio_ is my favorite.”

"Do any of them interest Edward?" I asked of him, not expecting much in the way of agreement. Edward didn’t exactly remind me of a Disney kind of guy.

"Not many," Carlisle replied with a shake of his head. "His favorite is _Pinocchio,_ the same as me. _Fantasia_ caught his eye as well, but only because of the music.”

"No surprise there." I rolled my eyes good-naturedly, but Pinocchio being a shared interest between Carlisle and Edward made me a bit suspicious. "Why do you both like Pinocchio so much?"

Carlisle paused, pursing his lips in thought, before apparently deciding something. “It reminds us of his independent years and his eventual return.”

"Oh…" I blinked rapidly, surprised by the admission. That was one thing I hadn’t expected to hear. Looking over at Carlisle, I could see that he was very uncomfortable with the topic of Edward’s rebellious times. "…Does Alice have any favorites?"

Changing the subject so abruptly didn’t even faze Carlisle. He actually smiled, a tiny grateful upturn of the lip.

"Take one guess," he offered and his eyes suddenly twinkled brightly with good humor.

“ _Alice in Wonderland_?” I raised one dark eyebrow knowingly, joining him in an indulgent eye-roll as he nodded.

"Along with a number of others," he added more kindly. "She and Esme share an interest in the princesses. Rosalie, as well, although for her it’s more of a bland fascination with _Sleeping Beauty_.”

The reason behind that particular film choice for Rosalie was pretty obvious. Beautiful Princess Aurora would definitely remind the blonde vampire of her own flawless beauty.

"I’m almost afraid to ask about Emmett and Jasper," I tentatively told Carlisle a moment later, causing him to chuckle heavily and pass a hand over his eyes as if he was embarrassed to tell me.

“ _Monsters, Inc._ for the both of them,” was his eventual answer, one pale brow raised in dry amusement.

I laughed out loud. “Why am I not surprised?”

"Jasper took an interest in _Alice in Wonderland,_ too,” Carlisle remarked innocently, and I burst out laughing again.

"What about you, though?" he inquired after my laughter died down, his other brow rising to meet its twin in silent curiosity.

“ _Beauty and the Beast_ ,” the answer came quickly and easily to my lips. That had always been my absolute favorite Disney film, even before I realized the connotations it carried for me and Edward, “ _Snow White_ and _The Fox and the Hound_ tie for second.”

"There is irony in that," Carlisle repressed his smile valiantly, but he could not subdue the spark of sadness which flashed in his honey-gold eyes at the same time. "If I may ask, why those?"

“ _Snow White_ is just a very sweet story,” I started with the easiest explanation. “The romance between the Prince and Snow White is very innocent and true to the heart. I like that… _The Fox and the Hound_ … I don’t know exactly, but I just think it’s a good story. You know, two people becoming great friends despite adversity.”

I could only shrug at my inadequate description, but Carlisle nodded in understanding.

“ _Beauty and the Beast_ is a very different romance,” I explained thoughtfully, “It’s pretty much the only one where the characters fall in love based on their personality rather than just their looks. I love the other romantic tales, but they all focus on the physical appearance mostly. It’s like, _'Oh, you're beautiful. Oh, well you're beautiful, too. Let's get married.'_ Very stupid, if you ask me, but it’s only a fairy tale I guess.”

"True," Carlisle replied simply, moving casually to retrieve the DVD from the Cullens’ massive collection. While he started up the movie, I hunkered down into the sofa with my arms pulled up around my knees, Edward’s shirt sleeves hanging far over the tips of my fingers. Just about the only skin visible on my body was my face, neck, and toes; the last of which I studied absently for a moment. The out-of-date movie previews startled me into realizing that Carlisle wasn’t in front of the TV anymore. My steady seat suddenly moved so that the sofa was parallel to the TV, ripping a shocked yelp from me. I turned about wildly, coming face to face with a chuckling Carlisle as he sat beside me.

"Don’t do that!" I scowled at him, but moved to bundle myself up to his side anyway; the weight of my eyelids was getting ridiculous and I had no wish to fall asleep without at least an icy arm to try and counter my nightmares.

"My apologies, Bella," he pronounced solemnly, but his unrepentant smile gave away his amusement. I didn’t give him any response. The movie was starting and I wanted to watch some of it, even if I fell asleep somewhere in the middle.

Sure enough, my eyes were drooping deeply by the time that _Be Our Guest_ was half of the way through. A long yawn stretched my mouth wide open while Cogsworth and Lumiere were standing in the spotlight being rained on by salt shakers. My head fell forward uncomfortably a few times as I dozed on and off, and after something like the sixth time snapping up in a start to find Beast gifting Belle with the library, I drowsily recognized that Carlisle was rearranging my mostly-limp body to lay out on the sofa on my own.

But my sleepy mind rebelled against the idea and I latched onto his sweater tightly, forcing him to half cradle me against him instead. His gentle laugh rumbled a little in his chest and a tired, but pleasant sigh escaped me in response. All I could hope as oblivion overtook my weary mind, was that the comfort I felt was exactly what was necessary to combat the shadows that always invaded my dreams.

* * *

 


	5. Serious

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc.

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 5: Serious**

Deep black darkness, profound but not necessarily frightening, surrounded me like heavy drapes that I hadn’t the strength to move. My legs carried me across the vast forested landscape in quick, easy strides that left no cramp in my muscles. Leaves and branches made no contact, no matter how close to them I seemed to come. I was aware of being followed by piercing eyes and swift, light footsteps, but not once did they faze me. Always I felt as if those eyes were watching out for me, hovering in the wings of my journey if ever I needed a hand to grasp or a step to follow after. Surrounded by that unknown, but reassuring presence, I continued to run through the wilderness in search of something that was missing. There was no fear, only curiosity and a sense of need, as I chased some obscure destiny through to its ending destination. The eyes that watched after me stayed close and yet far; there was always the indication that, should my search fail, the eyes which pierced me from a distance would still remain solidly present.

Suddenly, if not strangely, the dark gave way to pale slivers of brightness which became my guide out of nature’s wild maze of greenery. Intense anticipation coiled in the pit of my stomach, gathering its full force until the moment of truth arrived… and brilliant, blinding sunlight boomeranged across my vision. Through a white, gauzy haze of vision, patches of light danced in speckled rainbows before my eyes. There appeared to be nothing but light in all its pale and refracted colors. Yet I could feel something familiar there in the periphery of my sight, begging me to find it. I searched and searched, looking everywhere, but my eyes were not yet adjusted to the radiant rays of sunshine. Then, smoothly, I was lowered to the ground as if by a guiding hand. This was no fall on my behalf. Those piercing eyes, the solid background of this journey, were gently and safely delivering me into the hands of something I needed with all that I was. The atmosphere noticeably changed and my emotions were no longer etched with the need to search indefinitely. Turning to my left, I could see why. I had found that familiar something, that obscure destiny.

Edward lay next to me in a stunning flower-filled meadow, but it was not the same meadow he had shown me the year previous. It was beautiful and new, although it felt as familiar to me as the original meadow had. Instinctively, I could tell that I had visited this meadow once, but the memory was lost in the moment. Edward sparkled away in a bright warmth of sunshine that had probably never, ever been seen in the history of Forks, Washington. Glinting topaz caught my full attention, sending my breath to a standstill. But what truly caught my attention was the fact that I didn’t actually _need_ that breath. I swiftly came to the awareness that my lungs were not functioning, my heart was not beating, and where my arm lay beside Edward’s, it glittered equally as strongly as his own. The realization filled me with shining happiness; it chased away all the indefinite possibilities. Edward smiled at me, lovingly and contentedly, raising a hand to stroke my face with great tenderness. The light encroached amidst our silent reverie, creating a soft halo of light around Edward’s form. As the whiteness began to overtake my wondrous vision of him, I opened my eyes to avoid the strange rest which I assumed was taking me away from his beauty…

With a jolt, I awoke from hazy sleep to find a sea of dark blue flooding my vision. Confusion swept in and I frowned at the strange sight. With great caution, I slowly stretched my hand out to examine what this odd occurrence was. Soft, comfortable material greeted my fingers while my mind slowly regained some of its coherence. A soothing rumble of laughter brought my slightly drowsy mind to full awareness all of a sudden. I _knew_ that laugh…

"Oh!" I gasped in remembrance, looking up into the startlingly radiant golden eyes of Carlisle Cullen.

"Good morning." He did not grin, but his eyes beheld wicked humor all the same.

"Morning," I muttered quietly, heat turning my cheeks pink as I connected my probing fingers to the dark blue sweater he wore. Scarlet overtook the pink upon my face when I realized that my head and the entire upper half of my body were splayed across his chest. Embarrassment nearly choked me and I sprang up much too quickly. The blood rushed through me and a wave of dizziness caused me to sway unevenly, despite the fact that I was sitting down. Carlisle reached out a sturdy, ice-cold arm to steady me.

"Easy, now." He gently eased me to lean against the back of the couch. "Not too fast for a few minutes."

"Sorry," I mumbled an apology, although I was uncertain of the precise reasoning behind it as I stared out at the gray early morning light showing through the windows. My thoughts were more than a little jumbled, however, so perhaps I simply needed to wake up a bit further. The morning was not necessarily what I had expected and my dream, which I was amazed to have remembered in any great detail, lingered oddly on my mind as clearly as if I was still engrossed in it.

"Nothing to be sorry for," Carlisle assuaged me with an easy (albeit somewhat wary) smile, drawing back his arm now that he was certain of my stability. "You just woke, after all."

"Yeah," I offered with a touch of uncertainty, only half recognizing in the back of my mind that this was the third monosyllabic response I had given Carlisle in the span of only a couple minutes. It was a little embarrassing, actually. "…I need a human moment."

"Of course," he nodded in understanding. "I moved your things up to Edward’s room."

"Thank you," I said quietly and rose slowly from the sofa, reassuring myself of my own steadiness before heading upstairs to Edward’s room. There were only two incidents of tripping, much to my surprise, both occurring on the staircase. Carlisle did not come to my side, allowing me space the same as he had the previous day, but I could feel his gaze riveted to my back so as to ensure my safety on the way up.

Once I was standing in Edward’s room, I ended up staring ridiculously at my clothes and essentials. Their location was no surprise; Carlisle had left them on the borrowed bed, its cream and gold coverings matching Edward’s color scheme very well, if brightening it a bit. Shaking myself from appreciation of Esme’s decorations, I returned to the problem at hand. The surprise of my clothes was that an outfit was already laid out. My mind worked through the possibilities of Alice having done it the night before or Alice calling Carlisle earlier this morning to make him do it. Heaving a resigned sigh, I simply gathered up the outfit that, admittedly, wasn’t too excruciatingly Alice-esque for my tastes. The ice blue, elbow-length blouse with semi-translucent black buttons was rather simple, despite how the fabric was gathered all along the placket. A pair of grayish-black jeans looked innocent enough, especially if I avoided checking the label to see what outrageously expensive designer they were created by. The indigo shoes sitting on the floor beside the bed were mercifully flat, although the big black buckles across the toe were somewhat more stylistic than I would normally have chosen.

Nevertheless, I didn’t feel like fighting Alice’s designs for once. Even while studying the outfit she had somehow arranged to be laid out for me, my mind couldn’t keep away from the memory of the vivid dream I had experienced. There was something so real about it, that I couldn’t dispel it very easily. More to the point, it made me realize just how much I wanted to be able to spend forever with Edward. There just wasn’t any other way for me. No matter what the pack said, the choice should be mine. I could only hope that my transformation would not end with a brutal war between my vampire family and the wolves of La Push.

With a more forceful shake to dispel my worries, I carried my shower bag and outfit into the bathroom to get ready for the day. A warm shower, clean teeth, and surprisingly comfortable outfit refreshed me, although only a little. My dream was still vibrant in my head. Thankfully, the delicious scents of my impending breakfast distracted my very human stomach. The aroma of bacon and cinnamon hit my nose the moment I exited the bedroom. As I stepped off the stairs, I also recognized the scent of eggs and waffles.

"Less overwhelming than yesterday, I think." Carlisle, still in his gray-and-navy ensemble, smiled back at me from the sink as I entered and he gestured to a suitably-sized plate of breakfast foods which was sitting on the island before me. "I hope it’s satisfactory. I don’t have much practice in breakfast foods."

An exasperated eye roll was my first response as I took a seat on the stool and Carlisle turned back to the pans and utensils that he cleaned in approximately half-a-second, now putting them away.

"I doubt it will be anything if not perfect," I told him with utmost faith in his culinary ability as I started to shovel food in my mouth with uncharacteristic bad grace. The only Cullens whom I didn’t trust at all in the cooking department were Alice and Emmett. That, I admitted mentally, was mainly because Alice was too impatient and Emmett was too ridiculously obsessed with making me fall over or blush. He would probably do something wrong on purpose, just to see my reaction. Bless Emmett’s grizzly-size heart, but he could be unbelievably annoying about that.

"Thank you," he smiled in amusement, turning to join me on the stools at the island as he teased me, "Your confidence is bolstering."

For reasons unknown to me, I was reminded of how insultingly surprised Emmett had been last spring, when my idea for escaping James had proven useful. It ruffled my feathers. More than it should have, actually. I could guess why. As admittedly pleasant as my dream had been, it left me feeling distinctly ill-fitting in my vampire family. As per my insecurities, heightened dramatically in Edward’s absence, I quite suddenly felt undeniably human, completely powerless, extremely disadvantaged, and very, very useless. I speared a bite of egg somewhat more viciously than was necessary.

"Glad to be of service," I muttered sarcastically, abruptly surprising myself at the heavy bitterness that laced my words. It was unnatural for me to be reacting like this to Edward’s gentle father.

Carlisle appeared startled, too; his silence only confirmed that fact. It was obvious that he was offended. Looking more stringently at his face than I probably should have, given my previous rudeness, I immediately took notice of the tightness around the corners of his honey-hued eyes. His lips were a bit thinned out, drawn about the edges like a piece of fabric that puckered when it was pulled too tightly. His shoulders carried a tense posture that looked strange, even on a vampire (or should I say, especially on Carlisle…).

No, more than simply offended, Carlisle looked very hurt. I bit back my frustrated, but sad, sigh and pushed the plate away. My appetite was gone now and it looked like I was going to be discussing my dream. There was really no other way he would understand my inexplicable toxicity.

"I’m sorry, Carlisle," I mumbled down at my plate, undeniably ashamed of my behavior as Carlisle tentatively glanced my way in his peripheral vision. "It’s just…"

A gusty sigh flew from my lips, attracting Carlisle’s full attention now. He faced me tensely still, but no longer did it seem to be from my behavior. Rather, it looked to be worry for me. Ugh, the man was forever ruled by his heart. I felt unworthy of his concern.

"I had a different dream last night," I continued with difficulty, absently pushing around the uneaten food on my plate. "It… kind of bothers me."

The phrasing could have been better, but it was the easiest description I could give him of how the dream made me feel.

"A dream?" Carlisle sounded extremely skeptical, gazing critically at me, "…or a nightmare?"

"Sort of… both, I guess," I admitted reluctantly, which only confused him of course.

"I’m afraid I don’t understand," he stated professionally, clearly in doctor-mode.

"The dream itself was very nice," I sighed, finally deciding to just spit everything out. This wasn’t Edward. Carlisle wasn’t going to freak out like Edward might have and he certainly wouldn’t guilt himself into a corner like my bronze-haired boyfriend. The inadequacy of that term hit me in spite of everything. Edward was so much more than just a boyfriend.

"Am I to assume that your reaction is what troubles you?" Carlisle asked understandingly.

"Yes and no…" I paused in indecision, imagining how to say what was really bothering me just then. He seemed to realize that I was not finished, and waited until I could speak further. "More like… something that the dream brought to mind is troubling."

"Why don’t you describe the dream to me?" he suggested cautiously, rising and offering me a hand. I took it with appreciation as I hopped down from the stool and followed him out to the sofa. I was beginning to think that the sofa would become the new family conference area, rather than the dining room.

"Well." I shifted awkwardly in my seat before beginning, biting my lip all the while. I didn’t dare look him in the face. "At first I was in the woods. It was really dark and I was running, searching for something. Not frantically, more like I had decided to go for a run and then whatever I was chasing was along the way anyhow. There was something moving along with me as I ran, watching me from the trees, but I didn’t feel afraid. I felt safe, protected, look after… Suddenly, there was light shining through the trees. When I fully left the forest, there was bright, blinding sunshine. I couldn’t see anything, but for the light. I was looking for something again, but this time it felt like it was actually nearby and it seemed like I knew what it was. All I had to do was see past the sunlight and I would find whatever I was searching for. I kept looking, when something lowered me to the ground. It was like I was laid down gently, rather than thrown or something. I recognized that whatever had been following me, was laying me down. Then I looked to the side and knew I’d found what I was searching for… It was Edward. He was lying next to me in a meadow. It wasn’t _our_ meadow, though.”

The strangeness of that fact turned my brows down in thought. I went over the image of the beautiful place in my dream a few times, trying to place it. Pink, pale yellow, lavender, and white flowers had flooded the grass. The sun was setting, shooting rich ribbons of color across the darkening blue skies…

With a tiny gasp, I recognized the little, partial glade that Carlisle had taken me too the night before.

"The glade!" I announced abruptly, startling him a bit. "The one you took me too last night. That’s where we were!"

Carlisle appeared as confused as I was. Why would that place be important to Edward and me? Or at least, more important than our meadow? But I couldn’t think of any explanation, so I continued on.

"His skin sparkled in the light and he looked so happy," I sighed somewhat dreamily at the image. "I was stunned by how beautiful his eyes were. He dazzled me, of course, and I stopped breathing as usual."

Risking a glance at my companion, I noted that he was smiling in joy and gentle amusement. At least he wasn’t laughing _too_ badly at me, then.

"That’s where it got a little unusual," I went on quietly, definitely not looking at Carlisle while I admitted to the next part. "Because even though I wasn’t dragging in air, I was perfectly fine. I didn’t _need_ to breathe.”

Carlisle breathed in suddenly, realization setting in. That told him everything he needed to know. If I didn’t need to breathe, I was obviously not human anymore.

"My heart wasn’t beating," I rushed through the rest of my explanation anyway, before he could say anything, "and I was sparkling, too. When it hit me that I was a… vampire… I was happy. Ridiculously happy. So was the Edward in my dream. It felt right to us both… That’s when I woke up."

Carlisle said nothing at first, his face thoughtful. I waited impatiently for him to sort through his thoughts, anxious to see what he thought of all I had told him.

"I see," he said at last, turning to face me once more with a very serious expression. "Your dream was wonderful because it’s exactly what you want… You want Edward and yourself to be equals and spend forever together, as vampires. And you would like Edward to want it, too. Is that right?"

"Yes," I whispered, throat tightening with unexpressed grief that Edward did not want that in reality. No matter what arguments Edward gave about keeping me human, I would always feel that niggling of doubt in the back of my mind. There would constantly be the question that, if he was unwilling to change me, did he really want me at all?

"The fact that he does not wish you to be turned," Carlisle continued very gently, very cautiously, as if afraid to break me with his words, "is why the dream, and the happiness it wrought in you, bothers you so much."

Nodding was the only response I could make. Tears were starting to well up in my eyes. I let out a shaky, but heavily-laden sigh at the onslaught. By that point in the weekend, I was fairly well sickened by my crying jags. Was there any water left to expel? Carlisle didn’t say anything more. He held me as the tears made their unmistakable paths down my reddened cheeks, his hand rubbing comforting circles on my back.

"I know he’s afraid of it," I choked out through a clogged throat and silent tears as they soaked Carlisle’s shoulder. I was clutching his dark sweater so tightly in my fists that it could have ended up torn apart. "But sometimes, it feels like he doesn’t want me. He’s so willing to let me die…"

"That’s not true, Bella," Carlisle soothed me quietly, rather than reprimanding my thoughts. "He would never be _willing_ to see you die. Your death, even after a human life well-lived, would kill him.”

"I don’t want him to die!" I cried into his granite shoulder despairingly. "I can’t stand that!"

And I couldn’t. Even if I was already dead, I would somehow know that Edward had left the world. Even if I met him in heaven after our respective deaths, I would feel the grief of the Cullen family as sharply as if it were my own. His family would be heartbroken over his loss. Carlisle would lose his first son, his first companion, his first family member. Esme would lose a second son and it would tear her stitched-up heart into pieces all over again. Emmett and Rosalie would lose their friend and brother. Jasper, while feeling his own loss of brother and friend, would feel the loss of everyone else to compound his grief. Alice would lose not only her brother, but a kindred spirit who knew her as well as he knew himself, even without being able to read her mind.

"Shh, shh," Carlisle hushed me, breathing the words against my mane of brown hair, now rocking me a bit as well as rubbing my back. "It’s all right, sweetheart. That will never have to happen now. I promise you. I promise…"

More words of comfort, some clear and some intangible little nothings, passed his lips for a number of minutes while clarity and calm returned to my emotionally flooded mind. How many times would this scene take place before I was finished crying my heart out to Carlisle? There were so many things that I could never thrash out with Edward; things that he would end up blaming himself for and things that he would be hurt by. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about those kinds of things with anyone else except for Carlisle. Esme was very wonderful, but I imagined she would react like Edward, in a sense. That was something I didn’t want to happen.

"Thanks," I sniffled out the word which held two very different meanings. "I’m sorry."

"Don’t be." Carlisle had stopped rocking by that point, but his hand remained to ease the tense muscles of my back. "There are many difficulties that you have not yet come to terms with. It’s only healthy to get them out of your system."

"I guess so," I mumbled against his sweater and slowly pulled back from him while still retaining his embrace. "I’ve never really talked about that before. Not in so much detail, anyway."

"I thought not," he admitted with a solemn nod. His face turned very serious, far more serious than before. "I can’t see Edward wanting to talk about it too much… but then maybe that is part of the problem."

"What do you mean?" I asked confusedly, my brows drawing together into one line.

"You know as well as I, or perhaps better, how stubborn Edward is," Carlisle explained patiently. "When he wants a certain thing, he is unwilling to listen to other points of view without very strong motivation or coercion. This is one of those times. Edward is ignoring your point of view, for the most part. He doesn’t fully understand your side of things and that is going to hurt you both further, if it continues."

Although I knew that Edward was so set against my becoming a vampire, it hurt to think he cared so little about my opinion in that arena. Hearing Carlisle explain it so plainly made it all the more obvious that Edward really _was_ ignoring my side of the argument, for the most part. That stung more than I thought it would, even when I knew his real reasons for being so stubborn about the topic.

"I didn’t think…" I tried to get out some words that made sense, but it was difficult. "He’s usually so interested in what I’m thinking. And now he just doesn’t seem to care."

"He does care," Carlisle interjected with a negative shake of his blond head, "but he is so afraid of you being damned, as he feels _he_ is. And I think… he’s afraid of being convinced to change his mind.”

"So even if my arguments were right," I spoke bitterly, not surprised by it this time, "he just doesn’t want to hear it… But Carlisle, that just _proves_ that he doesn’t care what I think! If he cared, he wouldn’t treat my opinion like it doesn’t matter, like he’s the only one who knows what’s best!”

Anger was present in the words, but hurt was far more deeply etched into my emotional ‘climate’. Jasper would have had a minefield to handle if he were there. Thank goodness he wasn’t. Or maybe Jasper should have been and, if I were very lucky, Edward would be able to read Jasper’s thoughts of my emotional condition. Then he would see what he was making me feel like.

"When you put it that way…" Carlisle’s face became troubled, causing a wrinkle of deep concern to crease his forehead. "I suppose it does sound very self-centered and uncaring."

A heavy sigh passed my lips. I couldn’t help agreeing with him.

"I shall have to speak with him." There was determination in Carlisle’s voice. "This is all wrong."

"Don’t strain your relationship with him," I exclaimed worriedly, concern filling my features. I didn’t want him to argue Edward because of my trouble with him. That would be terrible. "Not like that. This is something I’ll just have to deal with."

"It’s not like that, Bella," he disagreed, "not so simple. If I am going to be turning you, I won’t have you feeling like this. Edward is only going to make your change bittersweet, if he does not share in your belief of the future."

There was truth in that, even if I didn’t really want to see it just then.

"Let’s not talk about this anymore," Carlisle shook his head as if to clear his mind. "Not right now, at any rate."

"Carlisle," I spoke hesitantly and he looked over at me, questions in his eyes. "There are so many undetermined details about this. We haven’t planned anything. Where we’ll be, what to tell Charlie, what the pack will say…"

"Then let’s discuss it," Carlisle offered easily, features calm. "It would be a good time, since Edward is not here to interrupt."

Nodding in agreement, I settled back into the cushions of the sofa with a little less anxiety than a moment before. It was that same trouble I always had with decision-making. Choosing to act was the hardest part. Acting on it was easy. And this, in a roundabout way, was acting on my choice to become a vampire.

"As far as the pack is concerned," he began our new talking point with a deep sigh, "that is something I don’t know how to handle. Their behavior last night proves how strongly they feel about this. I really don’t know what we can do in that arena, except to play it by ear, as terrible as that sounds."

"You’re right," I conceded. He _was_ right. It did sound terrible, but what else could we do? Obviously the wolves weren’t willing to just accept this. Hopefully moving cross-country would limit their determination to hunt down the Cullens, but who knew?

"Charlie," he went on, deeply concerned, "is another matter entirely. I’m sorry that it will be so difficult for you, having to live with the idea that he believes you might be…"

"Dead," I finished for him, forcing the word out with atrocious difficulty. "But it’s the best way."

It was partly phrased as a question, but it was easy to see the truth of it. I could barely swallow the idea, but it was the price I would need to pay to have eternity with Edward. Even if he didn’t like it, Edward wouldn’t just shove me away because I was doing the one thing he really didn’t want me to do. Of that, at the least, I had no doubts. He promised he would stay until I told him to go… and that wasn’t going to happen at any time while I walked the earth.

"Yes," Carlisle replied without a doubt, looking sadly at me. "I’m sorry."

"I understand, really," I whispered, even as I could feel my features arguing that statement. "It will be hard, but… I have to be with Edward."

That had been proven time and again over the past several months. Nothing was as certain as that. I loved him more than my life; more than my soul, if that was truly the price I had to pay. I didn’t believe that, though. If Edward didn’t have a soul, how could he exist at all? It’s been said that everything; even rocks, trees, and flowers; have a soul. Vampires are definitely more alive than rocks, so I couldn’t really see the issue.

"What about timing?" I put in, not wanting to dwell on the eventual goodbyes any longer than I had to. "I know we said after graduation, but…"

"We should probably wait until a bit after that," he pondered out loud, leaning forward to rest his chin in his left palm. He allowed me to hold onto his right hand, which was closer to me. I just needed that soothing reassurance. "Just to make sure that our stories hold up and to allow a reasonable time frame for moving in."

"The pack would protect Charlie, wouldn’t they?" I whispered the worry tremulously, the overwhelming anxiety flooding through me. Flaming red hair flashed through my mind in vicious frequency. Would she hurt Charlie if I was gone? Would she use him as a bargaining chip? It was terrifying to imagine. "If V… Victoria came back and thought I was still here?"

"That is a problem I hadn’t thought of," Carlisle admitted after a mildly surprised pause, looking back at me as if he was ashamed of his lapse in consideration, "but I fully expect that the pack will stay on their guard, even after we have gone."

"Charlie can’t become bait," I shuddered at the very idea. "I can’t let him get caught up in all this. It was bad enough when I thought my mom was in trouble. Now Victoria has an example of how she could get to me. What if she went after Charlie? Or went to Florida and got to Renée for real this time?"

"I don’t think that’s her style, really," Carlisle contemplated my fear rationally, keeping my raging mind from completely boiling over in fright and desperation. "She is actually using you as bait to get back at Edward."

"But James…" The name was accompanied by a shiver of terrified memory. "He was using me as bait, too. But to get me as his bait, he had to bait _me_ as well. Victoria could very well do that same, couldn’t she?”

"Yes, it’s always possible," Carlisle reluctantly admitted, seeing how horrified I was becoming, "but let’s _try_ not to worry on that until the others are here to discuss it. You and I will be running in circles if we keep on this topic. Neither of us really has enough information to decide any course of action.”

"Okay," was my weak reply. A convulsive swallow quickly followed and Carlisle pulled me into another hug, this one feeling much more protective than the last what with how tight his embrace was. My brow was drawn into a deep line of worry as I leaned into him. I wondered if it was going to become permanent in the near future. There were so many things clouding my hopes for the future.

"We will figure it out," Carlisle insisted strongly, emphasizing it with a single firm nod. "Edward will happily discuss this, I have no doubt."

The last words trailed off into silence and we just sat for a few moments. All the while, my mind could focus on nothing else, but Victoria. Victoria, Victoria, Victoria. Flames, fire, torches, red hair, red irises… Victoria, draining the life from Charlie. Charlie, bloodless and lifeless. Renée, frantically asking me where I was. Victoria threatening Renée’s life…

"Bella!" Carlisle interrupted my increasingly panicked thoughts in a strong, stern voice that automatically drew my attention back to the present; in which my breathing and heart rate were elevated and slightly erratic. "Whatever you were thinking of… _don’t_.”

"Right," I sighed shakily, attempting to pull my self back to a sense of calm and not focus on the person who was my greatest threat right now. "No hyperventilating for Bella."

"That _is_ the general idea,” Carlisle actually chuckled, exasperatedly I admit, but at least he wasn’t very upset. “We had better find something to do before you wander back to those thoughts.”

"Games," I piped up forcibly, sternly, leveling a particularly serious look at Edward’s father. Playing something that required a lot of concentration sounded like enough to keep me occupied.

"An easy fix," Carlisle conceded with ease. "I left them on the table in case you wished to play any more. Which one were you thinking of?"

He stood as he talked, giving me another hand up as he went. Good thing he did or I would have fallen face first on the floor before I even made it to the table. Looking over the pile of games as I sat down, I picked out the one that required some of the most concentration. Carlisle took the same seat at the head of the table, kitty-corner from my chair.

"Scattergories," I told him decidedly after a moment or two of contemplation, reaching across the table to pull the rectangular red box out from under Outburst and Catchphrase.

"I thought you didn’t like playing word games with me?" he asked with a raised brow, allowing me to take out the parts of the game myself. "Something about me knowing every word in the English language…?"

"Yeah, but at least with this," I pointed at the lid to the game box while absently pulling out two matching list cards with my other hand, "you can’t take up all the turns in one go. Even if I lose, I _do_ get more than one turn.”

Carlisle laughed delightedly and accepted the pen, list card, and pad of paper that I handed him. Finally glancing at the categories on the card I’d picked, I was surprised to find the card was not one that came with the game. In truth, it was much more nicely-made and professional than the simple company-made cards. Guess my vampires had played enough times to get bored with both the categories _and_ the design.

As the timer went off some moments later, I was startled out of guessing the name of a fishing tool that started with an m. I was just wondering how in the heck I could not know more, with Charlie was a fisherman at heart. Setting down the pen, I glanced over to find Carlisle crossing part of a word before he set his own pen down.

"I’m going to go out on a limb here," I ventured confidently, if a bit sarcastically, "and say that you don’t have an empty space anywhere on that sheet."

"I highly doubt it," he agreed with a small, honest grin.

"Ugh. Fine," I gave up the pretense and rolled my eyes. "You read first. Not that I’ll have any of your answers written down anyway."

To no one’s surprise, least of all mine, neither of us had any answers in common. And Carlisle still had more points than I did. Successful though this distraction was becoming, it was irritating to know you lost before you ever even started. I played a couple more rounds anyway, just for the heck of it, and startled us both by winning the last round. If Carlisle had laughed before, it was nothing compared to the full belly-laugh he exhibited once I started whooping for joy and jumping excitedly in my seat.

"I’d say you’re happy," he chuckled still as I settled back down, a grin threatening to split my face in half, "but it’s all too obvious."

"Yeah, well it’s not everyday you beat a nearly four-hundred-year-old vampire with a flawless memory," I stuck my tongue out at him just because I could, feeling childish but exhilarated when he laughed again. "Okay, I think it’s time for a human moment. My legs are cramped, anyway."

They did feel rather like cement, but I was too happy to be all that bothered. Carlisle just smiled in understanding, remaining seated while I headed upstairs. The aftertaste of my brief breakfast was kind of gross, so I took out my toothbrush for the second time that day. My hair was annoying, too, so I pulled the dark tresses into a loose bun before heading back down to the dining room where Carlisle waited.

"Can we go outside?" I asked him as I pushed a loose strand of hair behind my left ear. "Just near the house, I mean."

"I don’t see why not," Carlisle assented calmly and stood, "but let me get you a jacket. It’s still early out and rather chilly, I imagine."

"Oh, no, let me—" but he was already gone and back by the time the words left my mouth, "…Thanks."

"You’re welcome," he nodded wryly as I shrugged into the cozy gray fleece that he handed me. Knowing Carlisle, it probably belonged to Esme. He wouldn’t have just taken something of Alice’s without asking. Well, he might have asked for all I knew. Vampires didn’t take much volume or time to talk to each other and he may have called her upstairs. But still, the fleece just didn’t match Alice’s style. It was most definitely cold enough for the jacket, as I realized once we stepped into the outside air. A shiver escaped me, reflecting my body’s opinion of the temperature. I couldn’t seem to stop shivering, though. There went my camouflage.

As predicted, where Carlisle had stood empty-handed, he was suddenly holding two heavy coats. The blue coat from yesterday was handed over to me and he kept a thick black coat for himself. I wondered why on earth he thought he needed a coat at all, but I didn’t question. Maybe he was trying to make me feel less ridiculous.

"Cold as it is," I talked softly as the two of us walked around the meadow in front of the house, my arm linked casually with Carlisle’s. "It’s really beautiful out here."

Indeed it was beautiful. Dew glistened in radiant, sparkling droplets on every piece of green. The light was still gray, but brighter than when I’d first awoken. The pale gray light mixed with the greens and browns of the forest was mesmerizing. Nothing as amazing as the sunrise which Carlisle and I had watched, but still enchanting in its own way. Walking through that enchantment with a mythical creature was crazy and fascinatingly mysterious, but Carlisle managed to behave just human enough to offset the seemingly impossible situation. My ability to trip over nothing but air contributed to that, though, so perhaps I was the one to be credited.

"Yes, I have always liked it here," Carlisle admitted quietly, pleasantly. "It has always been so peaceful…"

Something about that phrase sounded extraordinarily funny, thought I didn’t realize what at first. When I decided my life had never been peaceful since coming to Forks, I nearly startled Carlisle with my sudden snort of laughter.

"Peaceful?" I questioned incredulously, glancing over at him like he was out of his mind. "You sure you’re talking about Forks, Washington here?"

Carlisle thought about that for a minute, opening his mouth as if to speak, before he snorted, too. “So peaceful is perhaps an exaggeration of life in Forks. At any rate, I was referring to nature itself. The atmosphere is very tranquil when there are no catastrophes about to occur.”

"Fine," I rolled my eyes in amusement this time, lucky to have a firm grip on his stone arm as I tripped over a slight dip in the landscape. "It’s nice and peaceful when no one is around."

My blond companion did not reply further, but sniffed condescendingly at my distinction. I just laughed, grateful when he allowed himself to smile in return. It made his eyes sparkle with life. On we walked, beginning to make a circuitous route around the outer edge of the yard and talking over a lot of things that didn’t matter all that much. Books were an unbelievably vast topic of conversation for us, although it was clear that Carlisle was far more interested in medical texts than I was. In contrast, my love of romances vastly outweighed Carlisle’s interest in them. Three things we both had in common were Sherlock Holmes, Shakespeare, and Jane Austen.

"I’m sort of surprised," I told Carlisle with some incredulity after he admitted his liking of Austen’s works. "Romance and all that, you know? Most men don’t enjoy Jane Austen for that reason."

"When this family begins to look like ‘most’ people," Carlisle winked at me in good-naturedly, "you let me know."

"Good point," I laughed brightly.

"What about you, though?" he pressed inquisitively, turning to look at me. "Sherlock Holmes? Not your typical feminine stories, wouldn’t you agree?"

"True… but I love watching the mystery unfold," I confided to him quietly. "It’s fascinating."

Mysteries were just my thing, as Edward could attest to.

When the chill of the air started to press through my clothing and into my skin, I reluctantly agreed that it was time to go inside. However, much as I didn’t want to go inside again, there was no denying the comfort of the warmer air inside the house after we came back in. Carlisle took off his own coat and hung it on the coat rack near the door, but stopped me before the blue coat could join the black.

"Warm yourself up first," he encouraged me and then flashed into the kitchen before I could say anything. Shrugging his momentary disappearance off, I walked over to look at the Cullens’ DVD collection.

"What have we got?" I questioned rhetorically, already perusing the titles. I made my way back to the sofa a couple moments later with a few typical choices at hand. Carlisle wasn’t back yet, so I just sat in wait. That is, until the smell of hot chocolate invaded my tranquility. Carlisle came into the room carrying a steaming mug only a minute later.

"It will warm you up," he explained to me with a smile, exchanging the mug for my DVD choices when I nodded in understanding. "You were exposed to the cold long enough to need a little something extra, I should think."

"Thanks," I wrapped my hands around the warm, green ceramic with a grateful smile. "It smells great."

"Good," he intoned absently and turned back to me with the DVDs held up questioningly. "Which one?"

"Let’s watch that," I shrugged and pointed to Snow White.

He smiled widely and I could instantly see that he would forever connect the sweet little character with beautiful Esme, now that I had brought up the comparison. Although, without my help, I was certain that Carlisle would have found another, equally as wonderful comparison for the woman he loved. Carlisle’s eyes glowed with love for his wife whenever he thought of her, even if it was while watching a Disney movie about a princess and seven dwarves. If anyone deserved to have such adoration from one man, it must be the lovely Cullen mother. I smiled, completely at ease as Carlisle and I enjoyed the first animated fairy tale classic that Walt Disney produced, along with a few personal metaphors about our very special family.

* * *

 


	6. Sad

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

I have my own variation of how Cullen history took place within the background of this story, but I kept to canon facts as the foundation for it. Subject matter is taking a bit of a dark turn, but some issues must be thrashed out before we get to the end. And of course, dealing with the bad leads to more bonding and fluff moments.

> **Chapter 6: Sad**

"Esme and Snow White definitely do have quite a lot in common as far as personality is concerned," was my very first comment since the movie had started. I’d slowly finished my hot chocolate up to that moment and, abstracted though it likely was, I found this particular thought hovering close to the forefront of my mind. But as I watched the young heroine cleaning the dwarves’ home and then greeting them so kindly, I was reminded irresistibly of Esme. "Looks, on the other hand, are a whole other arena. I guess Snow White is sort of cute, in a childish kind of way, but I think Esme is so much prettier."

For a few minutes following my remark, that was the only thing I truly noticed about _Snow White._ My attention was entirely diverted to the blond-haired angel at my side, whose immediate response was to begin describing his wife in complete adoration and love, despite the volume of the TV.

"She is lovely, isn’t she?" his voice was soft. "Do you know, I have never seen quite a shade of hair to match hers, in all the years I have existed. Such a rich, unusual shade of… what was the term that Alice used… ah yes, warm caramel. It is perfect compliment to Esme’s eyes; they are very definitive… trenchant, if you will. Even as a young girl, here eyes were just as incredible. And her smile… it’s breathtaking. Blinding if you’re not used to it, but stunning no matter how many times you see it spread across her face."

The dreamy affection in his quiet words was as amusing as it was sweet. He was so engrossed in thoughts of Esme that I easily watched him rather than the film. My head lay sideways upon my arms where they rested atop my folded knees, eyes intent on Carlisle’s features to my left side. Gentle as his eyes always were, there was an extra softness to them whenever he discussed Esme. I found myself smiling humorously and indulgently as he expounded upon her dimples and how they had always fascinated him. Before he could go into too much depth about that topic, a tiny giggle finally escaped me. I just couldn’t help it; he seemed to have reverted right back to a boy, teenage crush and all, rather than a nearly four-century-old vampire.

Carlisle looked slightly startled, as though he had forgotten I was there beside him. He glanced over to me with widened eyes, clearly surprised that he had gone off on his little tangent in front of me. I would have bet all of my microscopic college fund (what was left of it after the motorcycle stunt, anyway) that he would have blushed beet red if it were even remotely possible. I desperately stifled my giggles and pulled up a hand to cover the little smile on my face, which was growing wider by the second.

"Forgive me," Carlisle murmured in embarrassment, shaking his head at his own distractedness. "I don’t normally behave so… well…"

"Lovesick?" I offered innocently, removing my hand so as to allow the full width of my grin to show as he looked my way again. Golden eyes zeroed in on that smile like it was a pest that was about to be squashed.

"Hmm…" he muttered noncommittally, pursing his lips in thought before he spoke again, "You’re enjoying this."

"Of course," I laughed openly at his assumption. "That was easily one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen."

"Lovely," he rolled his eyes with a sigh. "Now I’ll never hear the end of this, will I?"

"I don’t know," I admitted, a small smile still adorning my face. "It depends on how much Esme would like to hear it."

Carlisle froze in place, mouth opened to offer a retort, but he was effectively stumped for all of a minute. Slowly, he closed his mouth as he thought over my comment.

"No, I’ll _never_ hear the end of it,” he muttered embarrassedly at last, so low I almost didn’t hear him.

Difficult as it was, I was actually able to suppress my laughter that time, although with his all his senses now attuned to me again, Carlisle noticed with playfully narrowed eyes. In an effort to return to less embarrassing subjects, Carlisle focused back on the movie afterwards. I though over the one-sided, love-induced conversation with fondness, when something about it hit me as odd. The dwarves were getting kissed on the head by Snow White and heading off to work by the time I recognized what exactly was so strange.

"I thought Esme was twenty-six when you turned her?" I turned to Carlisle with intensely curious eyes, to which his brows furrowed in show of his own bewilderment.

"She was," he agreed bemusedly, turning to face me while he reached for the remote with his left hand. I was glad when he turned the volume down, much as I liked the movie. I was just in a mood to talk, I guessed.

"But you said…" I started, only to become more confused than before by the words I had heard him speak. "You said ‘even as a young girl’. When you were talking about her eyes—"

"Oh," Carlisle said in sudden comprehension and I could almost see a proverbial light bulb flickering above his head. "I can understand you’re confusion, then. Forgive me. I thought Edward had already told you that part of our history. Esme _was_ twenty-six when I changed her. But you see, I had already met Esme a decade before that.”

I was stunned, to say the least, to hear that news. I knew that Esme had lost her baby only a few days after his birth. I also knew that she had committed nearly-successful suicide because of it and then was brought to the morgue, where Carlisle found her. But that was all. This development in the Cullen history pushed half-a-million questions into my head, all rushing through like river rapids.

Had Carlisle spent ten years with Esme while she was human, before deciding to change her? If he spent those years with her, then why would she marry someone else? _Did_ she marry someone else? If so, what happened to her first husband? If not, who was actually the father of the baby she lost? And why, oh why, would she want to kill herself if Carlisle was there in her life? Did she think he had left her? Or perhaps he really had. Perhaps he had refused to stay because he didn’t want this life for her at the time and only after he found her again did he realize how much she needed him.

"You were with Esme for a _decade_ before you changed her?” I asked incredulously, voicing only my first concern as the shock fully hit me.

"No, no, nothing like that." Carlisle actually laughed genuinely at my conclusion, shaking his golden-blond head in the negative. "I _met_ Esme when she was sixteen. I didn’t say I _stayed_ with her.”

"Oh!" a whoosh of relieved air pushed past my lips abruptly. My questions were all for naught, thankfully, but I was frustrated that I had once again exaggerated the possible truth. I always seemed to take the worst view of things at first. "Sorry. It sounded odd at first."

"I suppose it did," he chuckled, running a hand through his pale hair thoughtfully.

"Wow," I breathed amazedly a moment later, thinking over some of the Cullen chronology (what small parts I knew, at least) with interest. "So you met her a decade before you changed her. You knew Esme even before you knew Edward, right?"

"Yes, I did," he smiled at my conclusion and likely at my earnest questioning, "but that seems to fascinate you far more than it does me."

"Well, if you think about it," I began to explain, looking over at him eagerly, "it’s almost as though something was telling you she was important. I mean, technically, it’s like _she_ was the first member of your family, even if neither of you knew it yet. You had to have Esme in order to really make this a family; to make it what it is now. You and Edward might have been able to live together for centuries, just the two of you, and come out okay. But really, you both needed Esme to truly flourish. You and Esme _had_ to be together first, or the family would never have worked out.”

"I’ve never thought of it in that way before," Carlisle smiled widely, happily. "What a wonderful way to think about it… Would you mind telling Esme that at some point? She would be so flattered by your theory."

"Sure," I agreed with a little blush. "If you really think she’d like it."

"Undoubtedly," he assured me with the same wide smile.

"Then I will," I nodded once, decisively. I smiled a little as well at the idea, but my thoughts didn’t return to the movie or to my theory as they might have any other time. I was far too curious about how Carlisle met his wife. "So… what happened? How did you meet Esme? And how did you find her again?"

"Oh, it was quite the experience," he chuckled quietly and his golden eyes were bright with some unnamed emotion. "It was a mild, but rather windy summer in 1911 and I was working at a hospital in Columbus, Ohio. I was almost ready to move on to a new city. Barely three weeks before I was to leave town, a young lady was brought up to the hospital in a ragged farm cart. She was a small creature, but her body seemed even smaller as she hunched into herself, so as to offset the pain of her broken leg. I barely lifted her from the cart before her father drove his horse and cart away, without so much as a word of comfort for her. Mr. Platt’s only words had been to tell me of her injury and ask how long she would need to stay. The lack of affection, or even simple concern, disturbed me more than I cared to admit. Nevertheless, it wasn’t my place to question. I simply explained to him that she would need to stay overnight, so the plaster could dry."

In my mind, I could picture the scene he described as vividly as if it were my own memory. Esme would be a young and gentle teenager, caramel curls flattened beneath her head and her wide, lovely eyes scrunched in pain as her broken leg bled crimson onto the dark wood of the cart. Carlisle would be perfect and kind, his steps smooth and silent as he walked out to the cart and then gently lifted the small sixteen-year-old into his arms. He would scowl lightly at Mr. Platt as the man drove away unsympathetically, before turning soft, compassionate golden eyes upon the hurting teenage girl he carried.

"There was no physical difficulty to carrying her," Carlisle continued quietly, more seriously than before, "but emotionally, it was a very different story. I always hated knowing someone was in pain and I already felt sympathy for this neglected girl. Any sound of discomfort that escaped her was nearly painful to me as I gingerly carried her into the hospital, though I knew she was holding back so she would not seem weak. It was easy to feel admiration for her. She was alone and in pain, yet she was strong-willed enough to talk to me as I mended her injured leg. She introduced herself as Miss Esme Anne Platt, so formal and respectable. As I worked, we talked, and I was absolutely fascinated to find such a keen mind to converse with. She wasn’t put off by my appearance or any of the typical physical deterrents that should have kept her away. Rather like you, actually. And heavens, her eyes… I felt as though I could drown in the depths of her brown eyes. They were that intense. She slept eventually, of course. For reasons unknown to me, I remained by her side through the night."

I knew the reasons he had stayed, and Carlisle had to know now, too. He had probably known the moment Esme returned to his life, however unwitting that return had been. Love went far beyond any normal, simple explanation. That much I had learned since meeting Edward. There was nothing less rational than love.

"She went home with her father the next afternoon," Carlisle’s tone brightened a bit, "but she was so cheery. The improvement in her character was so glaringly obvious that I couldn’t believe her father missed it. I left Columbus four months later and headed for Chicago. Over the following decade, my thoughts often returned to the young Miss Platt. Often enough to make me regret becoming so attached in the short time that I knew her."

Some regret colored Carlisle’s voice, but he plowed ahead with his tale, “Edward had mostly overcome the newborn stage by late 1919. We moved to Ashland, Wisconsin in October of that year. About a month into our stay, I let slip some of my brief memories of Esme. I don’t remember exactly what I was thinking, but Edward was rather surprised by the intensity of my affection for this girl that I barely knew. He teased me mercilessly about it for months afterward.”

I could just see Edward, smirk playing about the edges of his mouth and his bronze eyebrow lifted sardonically as he made some sarcastic comment to Carlisle about his young love. Edward’s topaz eyes (or would they still be some mixture of gold and red?) would glint with pure mischief in the face of his new father’s embarrassment.

Carlisle caught my wistful, if amused, smile and allowed amusement to flit across his own features before they transformed into something grim.

"The teasing stopped very abruptly after I brought her back from the morgue," Carlisle’s golden eyes darkened to a near-black that caught me a little off guard. I couldn’t imagine what he was seeing now. "Edward was… frustrated with me, I could see that, but I always suspected that he didn’t say as much as he could have. He was beginning to realize that Esme was different to me, if I was so willing to save her after a decade apart. I think I, too, was just beginning to realize it. I couldn’t bear the thought of her body being so distorted… I won’t tell you the details, but my heart hurt just to look at her."

My face must have been as white as a sheet, for Carlisle reached out to me with his hand, a gesture of comfort that I didn’t hesitate to accept. I felt a little sick knowing that Esme had been so badly injured, even if that injury ultimately brought her to Carlisle.

"What otherwise might have been secret," he pushed forward despite my uneasiness, undoubtedly knowing that I wouldn’t want him stop telling the story, "about Esme’s reason for jumping the cliff, was clear to us because of Edward’s gift. He heard more than he ever told me, of course. I’m fairly certain he has never been completely frank with me on that count, even to this day. Not that I blame him. He didn’t feel that it was his place to tell her thoughts to me."

He trailed off into silence, leaving my mind whirling for the second time. What really caused Esme to attempt suicide? Was it the loss of her baby, alone, that caused her to? Somehow, I knew that it went even deeper than that. My instincts nagged at me until I accepted that truth.

"It wasn’t just her baby, was it?" I swallowed hard. "There was more than that… to make her jump…"

I couldn’t finish the thought. It suddenly hit me that my cliff-diving experience might have distressed Esme for more than one reason. She had _jumped_ off a _cliff_ to end her life. The similarity to my situation in La Push must have seemed terribly familiar and indescribably awful to Edward’s mother. I felt sick again.

"Yes, in a way," Carlisle murmured reluctantly, eyeing my steadily whitening face in mild concern.

"I’m so sorry," I whispered painfully, closing my eyes in shame as the memory of diving into the ocean waves repeated in my mind like a broken record. What else could it have looked like, but suicide, to anyone who didn’t know my real reason?

"What ever for?’ Carlisle furrowed his golden brows in total consternation. "You have done nothing."

"La Push," I continued in the same whisper. "The cliff. I never thought… I feel so awful."

"Bella," Carlisle sighed in some relief, though not entirely, "You haven’t offended Esme or hurt her because of the similarity. Not at all."

"But all of you thought that I was trying to kill myself," I pressed the point miserably. "I wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t look horrible to all of you."

"I didn’t believe you were trying to commit suicide," he assured me with a pat to my shoulder. "You are too conscious of the others around you to do that. Charlie and Renee, for instance. Although I must admit I don’t see you as the recreational cliff-diver, either."

A crimson flush of shame crept onto my face as I tried to formulate a response to that.

"Well, it wasn’t recreational, either," I trailed off, uncertain how to proceed. Edward had understood perfectly, even if he didn’t like it. Would Carlisle do the same?

"What was it, then?" Carlisle sounded genuinely curious, albeit a little wary.

"Desperation," I admitted quietly, looking at my bent knees as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world. In truth, they were simply safer than the topic I had just broached. Talk about opening a can of worms.

"For?" he prompted me calmly, but seriously. I couldn’t see his expression, but I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my head.

"Edward," the name escaped me in a heavy sigh, much to Carlisle’s confusion. "See… whenever I did something reckless or unsafe… I would hear Edward’s voice. He would warn me or plead with me to stop whatever I was doing."

"And that was a good thing…?" Carlisle asked hesitantly, very much concerned by this point.

"When Edward left back in September, he said…" I took a deep breath for courage as I set out to explain this part of my dark ages in a low whisper. If Carlisle noticed my grip tighten on his hand, he didn’t show it. "He said it would be like he never existed."

"Absurd," Carlisle murmured near-silently, grabbing my attention rapidly. I swung around to stare at him in astonishment, but his keen, wise eyes were so intense where he focused on my face that I looked away almost instantly.

"So, even if it was painful to remember," my voice began to sound thick, thick with tears I was tired of shedding, "I couldn’t let myself forget, either. I needed him too much to let go like that. Then, when I was out with Jessica in Port Angeles one night, there was a group of guys who called out to us. It reminded me of that night Edward saved me in Port Angeles last year. The situation appeared just as dangerous, on first glance. And for the first time since September, I’d heard Edward’s voice."

Tears rolled slowly down my cheeks at that point. It was unavoidable really. After all the months alone, I was finally crying outright at the memory of my despondency without Edward. Carlisle pulled me into his arms for the thousandth time that weekend, his arms reassuring me that I had my Edward (and my family) back.

"It sounded so real," I recalled the scene clearly, even after blocking so much of the empty weeks from my mind. "Like he was right there beside me. I kept walking closer to the group that called out, hearing Edward every step I took closer. But once I approached the guys, it turned out they weren’t a threat after all and Edward went away. I thought maybe familiarity was the key to hearing him… So the next thing I did was come here. I needed to prove that he was real; that you all were. It was painful to look at the house even without going right up to it. And I didn’t hear Edward at all. The next stunt was on the way back home that same day. I bought two motorcycles. I heard him a lot when I first started riding them, but that eventually stopped, too. I got desperate to hear him again after a while. I found the meadow, hoping that would help, since it was so important to Edward and me. That was even more painful than this house was."

I wiped away a few tears before continuing, “Then Laurent showed up in the meadow and Edward’s voice was telling me things to help me evade the danger. I couldn’t even appreciate him that time. The next time I heard him, it was after Jacob had become apart of the pack, but before I knew what was going on. Jacob tried to push me away, since he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone what was happening, but I tried to see him and learn the truth. Edward tried to keep me from pushing Jacob’s emotions too far and making him shift, although I didn’t understand that at the time. That was the last time I heard Edward’s voice, until long after the pack started protecting me from Victoria. The day that I jumped the cliff, Jacob was going to take me cliff-diving himself, but he was late. I got impatient to heard Edward again. Nothing seemed more important than that.”

I shivered at the truth of that. Edward was more important than anything and I couldn’t see that ever changing.

"I went up to the very top," my voice was breathy with nervous anticipation, "and he spoke to me at last. He begged me not to do it, but I knew he would go away if I stopped. So I jumped. It was… exhilarating… but I didn’t pay attention to the weather. A big storm was coming and the waves were unmanageable. I got swept under the current and it felt impossible to resurface, but Edward’s voice kept pushing me, screaming at me to fight my way back. I tried, but it was just so hard. I gave up. He kept yelling and pleading with me, but I didn’t do anything. Even if I was dying, it was heaven enough to hear him one last time."

All was silent following my confessions, but Carlisle’s thoughts had to have been going wild. His face was frozen, as Edward’s usually looked when he was extremely tense. It was a habit I had picked up myself since knowing the Cullens. I waited with atypical patience for the blond-headed vampire to recover. I wasn’t disappointed when he did.

"Was it a defense mechanism, then?" Carlisle finally pitched in, face loosening as he looked back to me in question. "Or simply your wishful thinking?"

"I made a theory about that," I shrugged sheepishly in admission, bringing to mind my conversation with Edward a few weeks previous. "I think… although I’m not sure… that perhaps my mind was trying to convince me that Edward really did love me, no matter what he said. I only figured that out after we got back from Italy."

"That’s a very lovely theory," Carlisle said solemnly, contrary to his nice words. "It sounds logical, especially if you consider all the times he told you how he felt about you. I was a little disappointed that you accepted his lie so easily. Granted, it was a terrible thing to lose him and your emotions must have been haywire when he told you his lie. Of that I have no doubt. Still, you allowed one negative word from Edward to override all the positive things he’d said before that."

"He told me that much after we got back," I sighed in resignation. This discussion made me feel incredibly old for some reason. "But I’ve always doubted… We already talked about that, though."

"Yes, we did," Carlisle’s sigh echoed my own and he ran a hand through his hair once again. "I don’t really see much sense in beating a dead horse, so to speak, Bella. But you know how I feel about this issue. That’s all I’ll say."

"Can we change the subject?" I muttered, turning further into his shoulder in the vain hope to escape the topic of conversation.

"If you wish," he offered heavily, settling back into the couch as if weary.

"What about Esme?" I offered up the suggestion half-heartedly. "What happened after you bit her?"

"Edward was frustrated, as I said," Carlisle picked up with his memories far less enthusiastically. "For the rest of the two days after that conversation, he would not speak to me. But he felt badly for Esme. For all the things that had gone wrong in her human life and for the pain of the transformation. He sat with her over the course of her change, as I had done with him. I was unable to do so with Esme, at first, because of the guilt I felt. Edward’s reaction hit me very forcefully. He came to me on the last day and finally spoke to me again. We reconciled, mostly because he could see how much I cared for Esme. I was there for her when she woke… She was terrified that she had gone to Hell."

Shudders ran through me, having absolutely nothing to do with the chill of Carlisle’s skin.

"I convinced her otherwise, thankfully," the vampire beside me spared a brief glance in my direction as he continued. "She didn’t trust us completely, particularly after I told her we were vampires, but nothing else truly made sense enough for her to accept. I promised we would help her through it and apologized that she was with strangers. Imagine my surprise when she announced that she remembered me perfectly well."

"It’s not so surprising," I mumbled a bit indignantly. "Vampires are pretty memorable if you live past meeting them."

"True enough," a corner of Carlisle’s mouth quirked upwards. "Still, at the time it shocked me. Edward confirmed her claim, though. Of most the memories, that was one of the clearest she had from her human life. Once I knew that, I began to suspect that she was meant to be with us somehow. My guilt was eased, to an extent, although never completely. I will always regret that the transformation is so painful."

"That’s not your fault, though," I inserted, amazing myself by not shivering at the memory in the ballet studio when a blazing fire had burned through my veins. "The pain just… is."

"Yes, but I caused them to feel that pain," Carlisle shook his head sadly. "I love them all and I don’t regret them becoming my family. I just wish that their homecoming had been easier."

"Well, it wasn’t," I stated bluntly and looked him directly in the eye, feeling badly when he flinched, but not bad enough to take it back. "And I, for one, don’t want you feeling grief because of the pain I’ll be going through after graduation. It’s the only way to have forever with Edward and all of you. I don’t regret it, if that’s what I get in return."

I’d rarely been surer of that – that my gains would far outweigh my losses – than I’d felt all that weekend. My voice displayed that confidence for the entire world to see. If Carlisle missed it, then it would have to be deliberate on his part.

"It’s not something I can simply not feel," Carlisle thoughtfully responded. "I am glad that you are forewarned about the specifics, however. Knowing what you do of the change, from personal experience no less, I admit that you have a firmer grasp of the consequences than the others did at the outset."

"Well, at least you can accept that…" I faltered, not knowing what else to say on that subject.

"Why was Edward so frustrated with you?" the question popped into my head randomly, just something to overtake the awkward silence, but I regretted it somewhat upon seeing the face Carlisle was making.

"A variety of reasons," Carlisle hedged the question uncomfortably. Clearly, this was not something he wanted to discuss at the moment.

"Well, I guess it shouldn’t surprise me _too_ much,” I started out slowly, biting my lip in nervousness. “Edward said he left for a while, about ten years after you changed him. He must have been pretty frustrated if he could leave like that…”

There was mild despair in Carlisle’s golden eyes that couldn’t be repressed. Whatever happened when Edward left all those years ago, it was awful enough that Carlisle still felt powerful hurt when he thought about it. My heart plummeted. I could feel it speeding up in mild panic, the blood pumping harder through my veins. How could I have thought that topic to be a good conversation piece? It was heartless of me.

"I’m sorry," I whispered and looked down at my lap, grimacing at the wretched insensitivity I had shown. Thanks to his flawless memory, Carlisle would recall that bad period in the Cullens’ history with great ease.

I let my shoulders slump, but Carlisle’s sigh encouraged me to cautiously raise my eyes to his face. His eyes were open, still pained, still tight with uncomfortable sadness, but filled with understanding that was unreal. Would his generosity never find an end?

"I hate to think on that time in our lives anymore," Carlisle admitted quietly, clenching his fist slightly in remembrance, "but I can understand that you would want to know. Edward would never be willing to tell you and, quite frankly, Esme doesn’t have the strength to do so. Edward’s leaving hurt her very much."

"You don’t have to tell me," I interrupted him with no little desperation to end his painful recollections. Thinking of his own pain would have been bad enough, but to recall Esme’s hurt must have been incredibly awful. "It was so stupid of me to ask. I should have known it would hurt you."

"It was in no way stupid of you," Carlisle told me forcibly, more confidently. "You could not have known how painful that time was for us, because you’ve never been told. Besides that, you are apart of our family now. We all know about _your_ history. You deserve no less than the truth about ours in return.”

There was really nothing I could say to that, so I just nodded awkwardly. It didn’t make me feel any better, but my desire to argue the point was very weak. Carlisle took my hand reassuringly in response and quietly began his tale, “I believe you have gathered that Edward was extremely upset with me for turning him in the first place?”

The question sounded strange to me, as it was actually very challenging to imagine Edward angry with Carlisle to such an extent. Yes, I definitely could imagine that Edward wouldn’t have been happy after becoming a vampire. The way he described himself as a monster and the lack of faith he showed in his own soul was proof enough. Despite that, I had never given much thought to how he might have reacted to Carlisle in the very beginning. The love Edward felt for his father was so obvious in the present time. Even after Carlisle had promised me the one thing which his son was dead set against happening, Edward hadn’t shown any overwrought fury towards his father; it was more at the situation in general. This past that the Cullen patriarch described was hard to fathom.

"I know how Edward views himself," I answered with uncomfortable fidgeting, "but honestly, it’s kind of hard to imagine him being really mad at you. He cares so much about you. I mean, last year, before I ever came to your house or even knew that Edward was a vampire, he admitted that he loved you and Esme a lot. He said he couldn’t imagine two better people. Just the way he said your names proved how much he loves you."

Perhaps I felt I actually needed to explain my difficulty in imagining Edward at odds with his father. Or maybe I was just trying to make Carlisle feel better. Whatever the case, Carlisle’s face was worth the effort. A warm glow entered his eyes and a small, but emotional, smile crossed his face. Needless to say, I felt ten times better knowing that I said something right.

"I’m very glad," Carlisle’s smile widened a fraction and he squeezed my hand again, this time in gratitude. "Thank you for telling me that."

"No problem," I shrugged awkwardly, my cheeks adorned with a rosy hue.

"Things like that make the past much easier to stomach," Carlisle turned more serious as he said that, the glow fading somewhat. "Unfortunately, Edward did not always feel that way. The first year, he was absolutely furious with me. I would go so far as to say he hated me."

A gasp of shock escaped me without my permission, but to think of Edward _hating_ Carlisle was next to impossible. Much more difficult than imagining Edward as simply angry.

"Hate?" I repeated incredulously, eyes wide.

"Yes, I’m afraid that is accurate," Carlisle confirmed sadly. "Think about it, Bella. He thought he was going to join his parents in whatever afterlife awaited… and instead he is forced into an immortal existence which he believes is irreparably damned, with a complete stranger."

"I know, but…" the words left me very quietly, almost fearfully. "The thought of him _hating_ you is impossible to picture.”

"Good," Carlisle smiled again, albeit with more sadness than anything else. "But at the time it was an exceedingly rocky relationship for us. The resentment lasted for some time, even after I thought he’d overcome it."

"Is that… a part of why he left?" I inquired with a great deal of hesitation. I didn’t want it to be true, but I knew Edward well enough to expect him to hold a grudge for something that life-changing.

"I fear so," Carlisle admitted with a heavy sigh, pulling a hand across his eyes wearily, "but I don’t believe that it was the foremost reason for his leaving. Frustration was a larger part of it, most likely."

"He had a hard time with the… diet?" I offered the thought uncomfortably, even though Edward had admitted that very thing to me the previous year. Faced with Carlisle and his pure, unstained lifestyle of more than three-hundred years, it seemed wrong that Edward would choose anything else. To make the wrongness more complete, Edward had known all along why Carlisle lived in abstinence and yet still he left. It was very hard to reconcile.

"Yes, but that’s not all," Carlisle furthered his explanation with a dark, unhappy look. "His gift made it very difficult, too."

"But if he was reading your thoughts," I cut in, confused, "couldn’t he see your restraint, your reasons for abstaining, and hold onto that somehow?"

"Perhaps," Carlisle allowed with a brief nod, but a rather hopeless one, "but even as he could see my restraint in my mind, he could also see the human blood I faced every day in the hospital. It would only increase his thirst. And after I found Esme there were two vampires he had to live with. Esme’s senses were those of a newborn. The frenzy which Edward was faced with only a few years earlier was hitting him again, in addition to his own thirst. Combine the two and Edward was facing a very dramatic thirst for human blood. And then…"

Carlisle paused abruptly for a long moment, as if he had just caught himself from saying something he hadn’t planned to, and visibly debated with himself over something. In that pause, I felt massive pity for Edward. His “gift” could also be a curse at times and I could only dimly understand how difficult it was for him.

Whatever it was that Carlisle was debating, he clearly decided in favor, if his nod to himself indicated anything.

"Bella," he began again, even more soberly than before. "What I am about to tell you goes no further than this moment and this room. I especially don’t want you to discuss it with Edward or Esme. Do you understand?"

"Of course," I agreed immediately, freshly worried about what could be so deathly serious.

"Esme’s first husband, Charles," Carlisle sounded very reluctant to say his piece, but didn’t stop talking, "was a very malicious, abusive man. When I brought Esme back from the morgue, Edward heard some of her thoughts and memories of Charles. At first, after she was turned, Esme still retained the mannerisms of an abused woman. She would flinch away if we moved too quickly towards her and cringe when we so much as raised our voices. Edward became angrier every day that it continued. To put it bluntly, he wished to avenge Esme."

The pieces of a puzzle I had never actually taken out were falling into place like clockwork. So much was explained and still more was revealed simply because I could connect the dots, so to speak. I forced myself not to think on Esme’s awful human years with her first husband, else I would cry my heart out for the hundredth time that day; this time over Edward’s sweet, lovable mother.

"And you didn’t," I surmised numbly, trying desperately to keep my imagination shut down and steadily failing in each of my subsequent tries.

"Not in so many words," Carlisle pushed the words out through gritted teeth. "I wanted to make her feel safe and loved more than I wanted Charles Evenson to pay for his cruelty."

I swallowed hard while my mind conjured images of a shadowy figure looming over a defenseless huddle. I knew without much thought that the dark man who had called me ‘Sugar’ in Port Angeles was the shadow coming to mind. All I could see was small, motherly Esme as the defenseless huddle; not strong and fast, but human and vulnerable and so _very_ breakable. I saw her hurt, crying, bruised, bleeding, _dying_ … With that, my imagination was loosed to the point that my eyes watered heavily, though no tears actually fell. The liquid that had built up was completely heedless of my stubborn need to keep the teary appearance locked away once and for all.

"Esme," I choked out her name sadly. The shock and upset showed very openly on my face, for Carlisle paused to pull me into another comforting, icy embrace. I gladly folded deeper into his arm as the last piece of the puzzle fell into place.

"Edward killed Charles," I whispered so softly that I wondered if even a vampire could hear it, "didn’t he?"

Carlisle did not speak, but nodded tightly against the top of my head in answer to my question. “Esme wishes to believe otherwise, but the facts I was able to find are much too coincidental for me to accept that idea. Edward has never so much as hinted at it, either, but Edward is an excellent actor, as you well know.”

"Yes," I couldn’t help but agree. Edward had convinced me of the most unseemly lie that he could have concocted back in September. The thought made me shiver, though I fully believed he would never leave me now.

Neither Carlisle nor I could say any more for quite some time, but out of the quiet a while later, my stomach growled loudly. Carlisle looked down at me, surprise clear on his golden features. It was ironic, but he looked exactly like a deer caught in the headlights, although obviously much better looking. A little snort escaped me at the comparison to Carlisle’s first meal as a vampire.

"Lunchtime for the human," I threw in quietly, but sarcastically, my mood vastly improved since I had time to wrap my head around all that Carlisle had told me. My ridiculously well-honed ability to cordon off the bad things was working marvelously.

"Yes, indeed," he concurred in a low murmur, rising gracefully from the sofa and turning to face me. "What would you like?"

I shook my head exasperatedly at him. “Can you let me do it? I’ll have to start cooking again for Charlie anyway, once Monday rolls around.”

"Of course, Bella," Carlisle nodded his assent with ease, but a hint of amusement flavored his tone. "The kitchen is at your disposal."

I got up from my seat with far less grace, but without any particularly horrible tripping episodes thanks to Carlisle’s helping hand. My mind was churning through every piece of information that Edward’s father had given me that day. There was so much that I still didn’t know. Not just about Edward, but about every member of the Cullen family. I never expected to know absolutely everything about each one of them, of course, but at least most of the history of Edward and his parents.

My lunch consisted of cold cuts and a salad. To be blunt, they held very little interest for me while I ran appropriate questions through my head that I could ask Carlisle. Well, perhaps my questions couldn’t exactly be considered appropriate anymore, not with the negative and unhappy subject matter that always seemed to come up. The strong bonds of the Cullen family had not come that way easily. These special vampires that I cared for were no strangers to tragedy and sadness, but I was determined to be as kind as possible whenever I asked a particularly sensitive question. It was the least I could do, after all of the limitless understanding that Carlisle had shown me.

* * *

 


	7. Speculative

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

I always thought that Carlisle’s human life was rather well-remembered, especially seeing as he lived for almost four centuries afterwards. The others barely remembered a few important memories, yet Carlisle seemed to remember most of his human life in fairly decent detail. So, I decided to explain it somehow.

> **Chapter 7: Speculative**

For the life of me, I couldn’t stop comparing my view of lunchtime to the Cullens’ view of lunchtime as I washed, dried, and put away the dishes and utensils I had used (Carlisle had insisted he help, but I had plainly refused on the grounds that he’d helped me enough for  _ten_  people so far). At almost two-thirty in the afternoon after just downing a plate-full of food, my brain was determined to concentrate on the one thing that always made me queasy. A full-fledged grimace broke out on my face at the thought of the warm red stuff that flowed through my veins, often stained my cheeks the color of apples, and tempted Edward’s vampire instincts to the hilt simply from its scent. It was the stuff which held the ability to make me sick from the rusty, salty smell it offered. Ugh.

"Is something the matter?" Carlisle broke me out of my increasingly grossed-out thoughts suddenly. With a tiny start, I turned around to face him where he leaned against the doorway very casually. His stance was incredibly relaxed, arms crossed about his chest and head tilted sideways against the doorframe. The dark blue sweater was gone and only the gray button-up shirt (and strangely, the matching gray scarf, as well) remained with its sleeves rolled up to the elbow.

"No. I mean, not exactly." My nose was wrinkled up enough to say otherwise.

"Ah, I see," he muttered disbelievingly, a single golden-blond brow raised suspiciously. "Your nose must always look like that, then."

I snorted in reply, fighting back my smile. “Yeah, probably.”

"Honestly, Bella?" Carlisle dipped his head just enough so that his honey-hued eyes fluttered across the way at me like two dark, burning gold moons. This time it wasn’t anything like the way Edward dazzled me; it was far too serious of an expression for that. "You don’t feel ill, do you?"

"No, honestly, I don’t feel sick." I half shrugged. It was uncomfortable to try and admit to what I had been thinking about. Not as uncomfortable as admitting my delusions of Edward from some weeks ago, thankfully, but nevertheless it was odd. "It was just a random thought… really nothing important."

"You’re a god-awful liar, my dear," Carlisle smiled gently at me, although he didn’t seem inclined to press the issue further. Of course, that was exactly the way to get me to tell him my thoughts. Act uninterested and insult my intelligence. Infuriating vampires!

"Ugh," I groaned loudly, knowing when I was defeated. "Okay, I was just comparing my lunch to… to what yours might be. Mentally. It was gross."

"I can understand that," he nodded, half to himself, as he spoke to me. "To imagine drinking blood would be quite offensive to your human sensibilities."

"It’s not that," I rolled my eyes exasperatedly, although the thought had some merit to be sure. "It’s just that blood makes me queasy."

My stomach churned in concrete agreement, but I ruthlessly forced myself to ignore it. No need to start throwing up when there wasn’t even any blood to smell. Carlisle was kind, but I still didn’t think he’d like me vomiting very much right then. If anything, he would be concerned from a medical standpoint.

"Oh," Carlisle furrowed his brow in contemplation. "I didn’t know that."

"Wow, Edward actually withheld something about me," I retorted dryly. "That’s a pretty big shocker."

"It is, actually," Carlisle agreed with a smile, lifting himself lightly off of the doorway to make his way over to me. "So the sight of blood bothers you? That’s not so unusual, is it?"

"No, it isn’t." I laughed lightly. It was funny how strange he would think my aversion sounded. Edward most certainly had found it odd. "But the sight of it isn’t what bothers me. It’s the smell."

"Humans can’t smell blood," Carlisle countered in shock and his blank, frozen posture reminded me of Edward that day in the nurse’s office last spring. That day felt so long ago, now.

"That’s what Edward said last year, to some extent," an amused sigh fell from my lips, although I crossed my arms with slight defensiveness. "But I can. It smells like rust and salt. That’s what makes me sick."

"Amazing," Carlisle leaned back against the island in fascinated surprise, pale hands propped up behind him on the countertop. "I must admit, though, that I’ve wondered what blood might smell like from the viewpoint of someone who isn’t a vampire. For us, the smell has more to do with the scent of the person than the composition of the blood, which I’m certain is what  _you_  smell. I’ve never heard of this before.”

"Me neither," I shrugged in confusion. "I’m just a freak, I guess."

"No, not a freak." He dampened his grin just the same as he refuted my claim. "Simply unique. That’s not a crime."

"Maybe not," I shrugged again, unfolding my arms and shoving them in my pockets as I moved away from the kitchen, towards the living room, "but it’s annoying to be toounique sometimes, you know."

"Oh no, I haven’t the faintest idea what that would be like," Carlisle responded dryly while following me out of the room. I looked at him in time to see his sly wink and accompanying grin.

Oh. Yes, Carlisle would definitely know all about being too unique. Until he had made his family, Carlisle Cullen hadn’t had a soul to relate to, anywhere. While that saddened me to think about, I was heartened to know that he wasn’t alone anymore. He now had one big family to spend his time with.

"Sorry, I guess that’s a lot truer for you than it ever has been for me." I looked down at the floor, tripping over nothing but air when I finally reached the sofa.

Carlisle automatically caught and steadied me as he answered kindly, “Don’t bother. I do understand what you mean.”

"When don’t you?" I raised my brow, causing him to chuckle.

"Well, my point still stands," he insisted.

"So, not to be rude," I started cautiously, biting my lip as my eyes caught sight of his gray scarf once again, "but why do you always wear scarves?"

His laugh startled me, but at least he was in good humor. “It’s not rude, Bella, don’t worry. Edward was the rude one, believe me.”

"He seemed to be rude a lot, before I knew him." I frowned at the thought.

"Yes, well, he didn’t have a reason to be particularly happy at times."

"That’s not an excuse," I mumbled stubbornly, but let it go.

"At any rate," Carlisle chuckled lightly, "I confess that a small reason I wear scarves is because of the eras in which I lived. Up until Edward’s time, men usually wore scarves or some sort of fabric about their neck as a part of daily attire. It’s simply habit, after almost three-hundred years."

"That’s the lesser reason?" Now I was pushing it a little. The way he said ‘small reason’ caught my attention.

"Trust you not to miss that," he sighed a bit, but still amusedly. "The larger reason is a bit embarrassing, I guess…"

"And?" I prompted him mercilessly. I didn’t think he was going to refuse.

"I have always tried to hide the scar on my neck," he admitted reluctantly, a little shame-faced. "I’ve never exactly determined why I felt the need to do so, but… Well, it was the first mark I received. I suppose it was always strangely shameful, to a certain degree. At least to the somewhat human mindset I carried into my new life."

"You’re ashamed of what you are?" I rocked back on my heels at this explanation. I wouldn’t have pinned him for that.

"No…" he hesitated, though I could tell it was more from a lack of words than a lack of confidence in his answer, "but at first, I had though it to be a sin… being a vampire, I mean. So any reminder or symbol of what I had become made me ashamed. That theory will probably always have some tiny impact on who I am. That’s the nature of vampires, to retain their last human mannerisms and ideals. To an extent, anyway."

"But you’ve changed," I pointed out the fact with some relief, "You don’t think that way now."

"True," he nodded in admittance. "When a vampire meets with irreparable circumstances, they are changed for good. And I’ve faced many irreparable circumstances in my existence."

There was a lull in conversation for a couple of moments, with me standing in front of the couch now looking rather lost and undecided as to why I had chosen to immediately come back to that spot. I didn’t exactly know how to start asking my questions again, not now that we had reached a sort-of comfortable talking point.

"So," I spoke up hesitantly, awkwardly placing a lock of hair behind my left ear. "I… don’t really know what to do now. We’ve watched movies, played games, talked about half our lives (well, half of mine), been outside… I kind of feel like a toddler who just wore themselves out playing every game they know."

A slightly nervous laugh passed my lips and in turn I bit my lower lip to quench the erratic impulse. Anxious laughter was never a good sign. It proved how awkward it was becoming to talk freely about what I was thinking. Not that I didn’t trust Carlisle to hear it, quite the opposite, in fact. My biggest problem was that my questions about his life were steadily becoming much more personal and invasive than before. I’d heard all of the easy things and now my curiosity was taking one gigantic leap into the unknown, emotionally-charged aspects of Cullen history.

"Why don’t you peruse the books in my office?" he offered genuinely, folding his hands before himself thoughtfully. "I’m sure I have paperwork that could be tended to if you would like some time to yourself to read."

"All right."

I followed him upstairs and into the book-and-portrait-covered office I had last visited during my messed up birthday party, wondering what paperwork he would have to complete. He probably could have it all done in the blink of an eye. It was really very nice of him to take longer than he might need, simply because I had no clue what to do. But then that was just Carlisle for you. He proved that over and over again this weekend.

"Take your pick."

My golden-eyed host waved widely at the vast collection of books, allowing me a moment to head across the room and stand in front of the shelves before he settled himself at the elegant desk. Carlisle didn’t start any paperwork, but sat watching me as I perused row after row of books. Hopefully he was watching in case my feet decided to make an error in judgment and drag me down on top on everything in sight, thus destroying his bookcases or his office in general. Or maybe just me.

Whatever the case, Carlisle would be able to either patch up my injuries or keep his possessions from going down the drain like so much waste.

Among his enormous collection of books, there were some I knew and many more that I didn’t, but even amongst the ones I had either never seen or never read before, I was beginning to see a trend. It was a very simple one really. I decided to call it the ‘read-everything-available’ trend. There were just too many genres of books to pick out two or three styles of reading from among them. Carlisle had more interests than just about anyone I could imagine. As curious as I usually was, I didn’t think I was intrigued by quite so many subjects as him.

"Have you read all of these?" I asked, turning a glance back to him in genuine curiosity. That was one topic we hadn’t covered when we discussed books outside in the yard.

"Yes," he confessed with an amused smile. "Every one. Several times each, actually. Of course, I have had quite a few years in which to do so. Most of these books are as old as I am, or perhaps a bit more. Although not necessarily these particular versions."

"Wow," I murmured, looking back at the nearest row in positive fascination before running my eyes further up. Amazingly, there was a shelf that was not covered in books. Although I hadn’t noticed it before in my lengthy perusal, there was a short, rectangular stereo system on a shelf somewhere above halfway on the nearest case. The stereo looked much simpler than Edward’s complicated machine. There were only a few basic buttons on its display. Rich, mahogany coverings gave it the appearance of a priceless antique record player, albeit with the bonus of a small remote to match. I was intrigued to find an empty case beside it. What had Carlisle been listening to before this weekend?

As I thought about asking, a mud-colored book with no visible title, which lay on the shelf beneath the stereo, caught my interest suddenly. The binding on the spine was weak, very tattered, and barely held the aging pages together. It was by no means one of the largest books, but it wasn’t exactly tiny either. What little of the brown covering I saw was plain and inexpensive looking, despite the fact that it appeared to be genuine leather. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from this strange poor relation to the other perfectly clean, neatly bound volumes around it. It wasn’t like the Cullens to have tattered belongings anywhere in their home. Even the ancient wooden cross that Carlisle had taken from his father’s old vicarage was very nicely-kept.

From behind me, a quiet chuckle was unleashed as I reached unsuccessfully for the thick little brown book. It was too high up for me to reach at my miniscule five feet and four inches, but I was in luck. A pale hand shot out from just over my shoulder to reach for the leather volume and then the ragged book was placed carefully into my outstretched hands.

"I shouldn’t be surprised that you were caught by this one," Carlisle gentle voice sounded somewhere right above my head, causing me to turn and look up into his honeyed eyes. It was a bit of a stretch to look directly into them, seeing as he was easily almost a foot taller than I was, but I craned my neck anyway to find and keep his gaze. Why should he have known that I would be interested by this particular book?

"The binding, for one," he answered the unspoken question with ease, smiling kindly down at my inquiring face. With a chilled hand on my back, he led me over to the leather sofa along the windows. "It’s not often you find such ruggedness in this household. Besides that, you have an instinctive knack for finding significant things. This book is one of them."

"What is it?" I moved to sit down on the couch, but Carlisle flashed out to tug the dark green blanket down across the seat before I could do so. I smiled at him in thanks.

"A journal of sorts," he explained very calmly as he sat with me. "From my human years."

I could feel my jaw drop in shock.

"Why are you letting me hold this?" I couldn’t help demanding of him sharply, the weight of the significant volume heavy in my clumsy fingers. That book was priceless. And he was just handing it to the most uncoordinated, trouble-prone person on earth like it didn’t matter!

"I trust you," he said very simply, as if it should be obvious. I was touched, inexorably so, to hear him say that. But that wasn’t exactly that kind of trust I was worried about. Carlisle was fighting fate the moment he handed the book off to me. I prayed nothing happened to it while I was holding it. That would be like me; to hold a meaningful book for all of five minutes and then have it end up trash-worthy because of my clumsiness.

"Trusting me and trusting my terrible coordination are two very different things!" I told him incredulously, barely allowing my hands to curl around the book for support. He only laughed in return.

"If you’re so worried, I’ll hold it open for you," he teased, but I was dead serious.

I gave him an annoyed, ‘what-is-wrong-with-you?’ sort of look, but he glanced back at me with a light grin. I turned to the weakly-bound leather book in great interest, imagining all the fascinating things that might be held inside its bindings. This was Carlisle’s human life during the seventeenth century, written down on aged and yellowed parchment in his own hand!

But that thought stopped me cold. Such a precious piece of history should never be held by the clumsiest girl in the world. It was dangerous.

"Carlisle," I sighed in disappointment, longingly fingering the edge of the little book so gently that I didn’t feel the texture of the leather.

"You’re very serious, aren’t you?" his teasing was partly diminished, although not entirely. He obviously didn’t think as much of this book as I did. Maybe it was because it was in his own writing that he didn’t bother as much about it. That certainly sounded like the self-effacing kind of thing he would feel.

"More than you know," I admitted a bit gravely, my expression completely honest, "I really don’t want to destroy this book. I have a penchant for that sort of thing, in case you haven’t noticed."

"If you’re absolutely certain," he raised one inquiring brow, hand tentatively held out for the book.

"Definitely," I sighed again, this time in resignation, placing the volume gingerly atop his icy palm. He sighed as well, although more in amusement than anything else, as he stood to return the book to its proper place on the shelf below the mahogany stereo system.

"You can read it after you’re turned, if you like," Carlisle offered generously and returned to his seat at the desk. "You’ll probably need to adjust to the new strength you’ll be endowed with, but I highly doubt that you’ll be clumsy then."

"Wouldn’t that be Emmett’s dream-come-true?" I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. Emmett really was a great guy, no matter what he did to make me blush and trip. The big brother I never had. Still, he could be a little more sympathetic to my plight. Clumsiness wasn’t easy to live with, especially when it tended to make me bleed in front of my vampire family at the least opportune times.

"Undoubtedly," Carlisle laughed brightly, "but that’s not going to happen. I promise you that."

"Don’t," I warned seriously. "With my luck, just don’t."

"Rescinded," he allowed, still smiling, but somehow I didn’t think he meant it as much as usual. His confidence was nice, but not altogether successful in convincing me. I had too much experience.

We lapsed into silence, and I could imagine his thoughts were traveling to the change that was imminent after graduation. I knew  _my_  thoughts were going there. And of all the things I had planned on asking, I was annoyed to find that still there was a question I had not thought of yet. But then maybe there would always be questions to ask. I was a curious person by nature, after all. It seemed inescapable that I would find something to ask Carlisle, even after I’d believed all the questions were exhausted.

"What if I don’t remember this?" I whispered anxiously, bringing Carlisle’s attention to my worried face across from him. "What if I forget the things that I’m curious about? Or the things that are really important to me? What if I forget the first time Edward took me to the meadow or told me he loved me?"

My fears were valid, I felt. Based on Carlisle’s face, so did he, to a certain degree. I wondered how much less this worried him than it did me.

"I can’t tell you what will happen with your memories," he admitted sadly, "not precisely. After the change is complete, the clearest you will be able to think on those recollections is the day afterward. If you force yourself to think over the memories you want to keep, and continue to think about them as often as possible, then you should be able to remember them into your new existence."

"Okay," I nodded determinedly, fear abated somewhat. "I’ll try to do that. You’ll remind me, won’t you?"

"Of course," he agreed kindly, a warm smile on his angelic face. "And perhaps you should keep a journal of your own? At least to write down the things you wish to remember the most."

"That’s a really good idea," I agreed with renewed hope. "And maybe I could write down things that I don’t know yet. Questions and history that I want to know. So if I don’t learn everything now, I can learn it later."

"We can’t forget that, now can we?" Carlisle smiled in complete understanding.

"Of course not," I smiled back.

"What other history would you like to know?" his inquiry was genuine, not bored or annoyed, so I felt much more comfortable asking my questions now.

"Well, I don’t know if this is a bad thing to ask or not," I started nervously, but his smile was encouraging enough to keep me going. "When you say you’ve never tasted human blood… what about when you bit the others? It seems pretty unavoidable then, with the blood being so close to your mouth."

The urge to feel sick was hard to overcome, but my curiosity was winning out at the moment. Ruthless physical repression was becoming a talent, to my satisfaction. That was probably a good thing for when I became a vampire.

"No one has ever asked me that. It’s quite an intriguing question," Carlisle sounded proud and I flushed scarlet.

"Certainly, the blood touched my teeth," he went on to explain, golden eyes distantly focused on his memories. "It would have to, as I bit through the skin. However, I can honestly say that the blood never touched my tongue or even my lips. I pushed my teeth far enough into the skin so that my venom would pass into the bloodstream and then I pulled away. I was able to wipe the blood from my teeth afterward. It wasn’t quite as difficult as Edward always makes it out to be. If I had only existed for a few decades, then perhaps the scent would have driven me wild with bloodlust. As it was, I had lived and worked around so much blood by the time I changed Edward that I was all but immune to the scent."

I had my doubts that simply working with the blood would have built up the immunity so strongly. Edward was too adamant about Carlisle’s self-loathing and inherent need to help others, back when he had first realized what he was. Carlisle must have built up most of his immunity by sheer force of will, even if he didn’t recognize it himself.

"So, if you’ve become immune like that," I ventured into another question. "Does it affect how you react to the different scents of human blood?"

Carlisle looked pensive for a moment before replying slowly and thoughtfully, “It heightens my senses to an extent, I think. Or at least, increases the objectivity of them. The less subjectively I can view human blood, the more effective my observations of it will be.”

"Huh, that’s right. You said your sense of smell can be a useful diagnostic tool." The memory of our conversation in this very office was clear, as was my reaction to the scent of my own blood. The ruthless repression tactic faltered just a little bit.

"Yes, very useful," he nodded at me. "For instance, if you had a nosebleed right now, I could smell when it starts to clot."

"How is that even possible?" I asked, stunned, but now equally ill at the though of smelling blood. This conversation wasn’t really good for my stomach anymore.

"When the blood thickens, the scent dulls just a tiny bit…" Carlisle cautiously replied, eyes traveling over my face, which was probably turning slightly green. "Perhaps we should change topics?"

"That might be a good idea." My curiosity was dying out on this particular subject anyway. I swallowed hard, to escape the mildly nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Would you mind some music?" he asked me, rising and stepping up to the mahogany system I had admired before finding Carlisle’s journal. "It might distract you."

"I don’t mind." I closed my eyes momentarily and leaned back against the window while he presumably fiddled with the stereo. "What did you listen to last?"

“ _Der Freischütz_ ,” he said simply, distractedly. A very rapid shuffling sound filled my ears, almost like a bunch of Polaroid cameras snapping away at the same time. The shuffling stopped a minute later, when there came a silent pause, and then abruptly I could hear what must have been Carlisle putting a CD in the stereo.

"Um, what?" I asked in confusion. "That was German, right?"

"Yes," Carlisle confirmed with a chuckle as a strong melody of strings sounded in the room, followed by as woman’s powerful soprano. "Sorry. It’s an opera written by Carl Maria von Weber. ‘Freischütz’ means ‘freeshooter’. The story of the freischütz is a common folktale dating back to the fourteenth century, in Germany at least."

"What is a freeshooter?" My interest was piqued.

"A marksman who makes a deal with the devil," Carlisle explained. "In return, the devil gives him seven magic bullets. The catch is that only the devil can choose the target of the last bullet."

"How does the opera go?" I was morbidly fascinated, opening my eyes to watch him tell the story in his clear, gentle voice and finding him already seated at the desk again.

"Max is a marksmen whose skill has waned," Carlisle began. "But he must win a shooting tournament, so as to convince his lady love’s father that he is worthy of the lady’s hand. Otherwise, his love, Agathe, will be lost to the victor of the tournament."

"That’s so unfair," I mumbled with a roll of my eyes, folding my arms across my chest. "Women always get fobbed off like produce."

"It’s true." Carlisle looked bewildered by the idea. "I never understood the desire to make a woman out to have no mind of her own."

"Women do it, too," I admitted lightly, but just as annoyed by the fact. "It’s just that men don’t complain about it half as loudly, I think."

"Some, anyway," Carlisle chuckled. "Emmett complains  _very_  loudly.”

"Well, ignoring the obvious exceptions," I laughed, pulling my legs up onto the leather couch and wrapping my arms around my knees. "So, what happens next?"

"Max loses at first," Carlisle continued, leaning back into his chair. "Until another hunter offers him the use of his gun and Max shoots a golden eagle from miles away. The other hunter, Kaspar, had made a deal with the demon, Samiel, and gained seven magic bullets. The last of those bullets killed the golden eagle which Max shot. Max agrees to meet Kaspar in the Wolf’s Glen, which is Samiel’s realm, in order to gain more of these bullets."

"Does Agathe know about Max’s deal?"

"Yes, he comes to see her before he goes to Kaspar," Carlisle looked pleased by my interest. "She doesn’t wish Max to go to the glen. But he goes anyway."

"Stupid," I shook my head. "Deals with the devil never go over well. He should listen to her."

"Indeed he should have," Carlisle agreed, repressing his smirk admirably. "Before Max arrives, Kaspar makes another deal with Samiel. In this new pact, Max would become the demon’s prey instead of Kaspar and the seventh bullet would kill Agathe."

"Ugh! See?" I muttered in irritation, narrowing my eyes at the idiocy of the nonexistent Max. "He should have listened to her."

"The next day at the tournament," Carlisle picked up amusedly after my little outburst. "Max is asked to shoot a dove. Kaspar tricks Max into using the last magic bullet."

"No!" I gasped and sat straight up, now engrossed. "He never should have agreed! He’s going to kill the woman he loves!"

"Instead," Carlisle interrupted before I could get too excitable, holding a hand up in good-humored protest, "the bullet hits Kaspar, who hid behind the tree upon which Max’s intended dove was sitting. Samiel comes to claim Kaspar’s soul as he is dying."

"What happens with Agathe?" I felt the need to clarify her future, for some reason. It just seemed important.

"After a year’s probation for using magic bullets, Max would be able to marry Agathe."

"Oh, well that’s good," I sighed with irrational annoyance that marriage was always so strongly associated with the everyone’s ideal of forever and also with unnecessary relief for the fictional characters. I could agree that they had what would be considered a happy ending, but did it always have to revolve around  _marrying_  the one you loved?

"You don’t sound so certain," Carlisle looked over at me inquiringly.

"I’m certain."

This was one area in which I refused to explain myself. If Edward hadn’t told his family about my issues with marriage, then I certainly wasn’t going to.

There was a pause in which I felt certain he wasn’t going to understand… and then Carlisle blinked twice, three times. His eyes were clear and more comprehensive than I’d wanted. It looked like he connected the dots already. How lucky for me, when I least wanted to discuss it.

"Is there any particular reason…?" he attempted to ask, very tentatively.

"None you’ll agree with," I muttered under my breath, but of course he heard it.

"Probably not," he nodded in definitive agreement. The disappointment was so obvious that he might have been choking on it.

"What  _is_  it with this issue?” I glared at him for even making me feel the slightest bit guilty about saying no to Edward’s sudden proposal, crossing my arms stubbornly and scooting to the furthest end of the small couch. It was enough that I no longer felt the icy cold emanating from his body, although I found the air to be cooled in general, anyway. “It’s not like I don’t want to give all of myself to him. I’d think becoming like all of you was proof enough of that. You said so yourself, only yesterday. Why is that so hard to grasp?”

Carlisle immediately opened his mouth to reply, but I just really didn’t want to talk about it right then. “No, you know what? I don’t want to talk about this. I gave my answer. End of story.”

I couldn’t allow myself to look over at the leader of the Cullens. Even as confident as I was about the issue, his disappointment was sure to bring me down. A slight shiver from the chilled air, which I was unable to stifle, ran through me. No response came. He must have moved away. If I hadn’t done my best to control my expression, I would have flinched a bit at the gesture. Reluctantly, I was about to lift my eyes to locate him, when something tan impeded my view.

Looking up as the thick blanket draped across my shoulders, I came face-to-shoulder with Carlisle, whose eyes were carefully averted to the blanket while he arranged it to settle comfortably around me. A sure sign that he was disappointed in my reaction. Groaning internally was no help, so I allowed a weary, but accepting, sigh to fly from my mouth.

The struggle for words quickly became a battle in such a challenging arena. “Look, I love Edward more than I can ever say. I just don’t see how…  _marriage_  is going to make that any more real than my becoming a vampire. I’m choosing this kind of life because I want to spend my life… existence… whatever… with Edward. Not because I want a ring on my finger, a paper with my unreadable signature on it, and some ridiculous spectacle that does nothing except show those two things off. What’s so great about that?”

"What isn’t?" Carlisle countered in a voice that bespoke greater confidence than I had. "Some marriages don’t even have rings or large, formal ceremonies or certificates, Bella. It’s not the pomp and ceremony that makes the marriage. It’s the idea that you’re pledging yourself to another person for however long you live, regardless of circumstance or appearance or weakness or anything else."

"So spending forever by his side doesn’t mean anything?" I interceded heatedly. "Me, choosing this, doesn’t say enough about how I feel?"

"It says a great deal. I’m not arguing that fact!" he disputed in atypical annoyance, brows drawn taut over his eyes. "But you’re not the only who has to prove their feelings. Edward is also trying to say a great deal; he’s trying to say the exact thing you are. To him, marriage is the way to say how much he cares, how much he loves you. What this transformation means to you, marriage means to Edward."

Something heavy settled onto my chest at those words; something uncomfortable and very disgruntling to my peace of mind. Although I couldn’t understand the need for marriage myself, there was sense in Carlisle’s words. When I put his description of marriage into this new context, it made sense from a certain point of view. Edward’s point of view, to be exact. I’d simply never heard it quantified quite like that before.

"Fine." I gritted my teeth in ragged acceptance of this new truth, spitting the words out like I was in pain. "Edward’s way of proving the ultimate sincerity of his feelings is marriage. He asked me to…  _marry_ … him. So he’s already proven it. Done deal.”

Carlisle and I stared each other down for a long moment, though I felt a bit bedazzled by the intensity of his honey-gold eyes near the end of it. Then, to my surprise, he actually chuckled at me. Only then did I notice the slight burning in my chest.

"Breathe, Bella," he encouraged me, pulling his now-amused gaze away from my dazed face and settling back into his chair.

I took his sage advice very suddenly, sharply inhaling a gust of slightly cool air. For a number of minutes afterward, I had to focus on regulating my breathing. The frustration and discord took longer to go away, festering a little in my mind before I let it go with a deep, determined exhale. In the new lull, I listened more closely to the opera that had been playing quietly in the background.

"Is that the one?" I finally gestured to the stereo system with my left hand, recognizing the German language, but that was about all.

"No, this is not  _Der Freischütz_ ,” Carlisle negated the thought with a side-to-side shake of his head, knowing exactly what I was referring to. He calmly returned to a seat beside me on the small sofa, probably in the efforts of repairing the tiny strain on our willingness to talk. “This is actually  _Fidelio_. It was Beethoven’s only opera.”

"I think I’ve heard of that before," I thoughtfully tapped my face in memory, allowing our argument to fall away for the time being. "But that’s all. What is it about?"

Carlisle opened his mouth to speak, but paused in pensive concentration for a moment. When I began feeling a bit impatient, he smiled at me. I was instantly cautious of the look, but his smile turned into something like gratitude or appreciation. I couldn’t understand what he was thinking to cause that kind of look.

"A woman who saves the man she loves from death," he said softly, smile becoming gentle.

Now I understood. Or at least, I recognized the parallels.

"Oh," I struggled to contain my emotions as the connection made itself clear. "… How does she do that?"

"Leonore dresses as a man and calls herself Fidelio, so she can infiltrate the place where her husband, Florestan, is being held prisoner. Their enemy decides to kill Florestan, and Leonore hears of the plan. When they are about to kill her husband, she steps between him and the killing blow, holding off the enemy with a pistol. Praises are later sung of her great valor."

"That’s good," I managed, brows furrowed nervously. Of course, the marriage issue was integral to the story at hand. That was one topic that we didn’t need to go into again. Not just then, anyway. I was still much more prone to Carlisle being the one to change me, if Edward was going to focus on that requirement so stringently.

"I know you’re probably a bit tired of hearing it," Carlisle intoned gently, dragging me out of my annoyance to look at his pale face, "but I want to thank you again for saving Edward. I don’t know what we would have done if we had lost him."

"How did you ever manage when he left before?" I had to ask, had to talk about something else. It was a painful topic for Carlisle, I knew that much, but I was rather desperate to take my own mind into less painful waters. I didn’t want to think about saving Edward, because that meant thinking of the very people who had nearly killed him, Alice, and me. And that meant fear, which would lead to nightmares. Tonight, or more specifically my dreams, could end very badly, if I wasn’t careful.

Carlisle took a deep, unnecessary breath before he replied with stone-faced calmness, “I don’t know… But at least we weren’t expecting him to die. At least he existed somewhere, somehow. That was enough to keep us surviving in his absence, if not entirely flourishing.”

There was nothing I could say to that, nothing I could do. And it wasn’t really helping to distract me, because the topic stayed pretty much in the same place it had been. Even worse, that was exactly the kind of thought I’d had when I was racing to save Edward at the clock tower.  _As long as he existed._  I had thought. If he existed, that would be enough.

"That would be enough," I uttered beneath my breath, looking down at my hands despondently.

But was it? Was it really enough to know he was merely existing somewhere? It was hard to know for sure. I most assuredly never wanted to test that theory again in any lifetime, anywhere.

"Esme begged me to go after him," Carlisle’s quiet voice took on the tone of one who had lived through too much pain to ever recover, even though he already had recovered to a point. I could only imagine that, once again, the memory of Esme’s pain was far worse than his own, "but I knew that would only drive him further away. I think she knew that, too, though it was difficult for her to admit it. For days afterwards, she was numb. She would not move, would not speak. I despaired of her ever healing from that change. It wasn’t as though anyone knew, except for me, but she needed to hunt, and badly, at the end of two weeks. I was prepared to carry her out and told her so. That was what woke her from her daze, at last, and we hunted. My relief was indescribable at first, but when we returned home she was worse. Infinitely worse. Esme was lackluster, lifeless; nothing interested her anymore. Edward had truly become a son to her in the years since she joined our two-man family. When he left, it was a little like her baby died all over again. Only this time she happened to have another person to live for after her loss. Not that it helped her much to think in those terms."

"I’m sorry I brought it up," I interrupted his recollections painfully, cringing away from his despairing outlook. "I’m sorry."

"No, I’m sorry," he offered in return, closing his eyes against what was sure to be a terrible onslaught of memories. "That period was so… strained. For all three of us, as Edward would attest to. It’s difficult not to get lost in the memories when I think back on it."

"He’s here now. He loves you." My mind traveled to the bronze-haired angel I loved and his defiant stance behind the Cullen house. How he had been so adamant that no one was going to hurt Carlisle… that no one was going to hurt his father. "He’s not going to leave."

It was uncomfortable to think that I was now reassuring myself as much as I was reassuring Carlisle. Hadn’t I been feeling very confident on that point earlier? Thank God that Esme wasn’t there for this conversation. It would have torn her apart to think like that. And who knew what Edward might have thought about it.

"You’re right. He’s not leaving." Carlisle nodded firmly, squeezing my shoulders in either gratitude or assurance. Perhaps both. Either way, it reaffirmed my confidence that Edward was going to stay with his family and with me for a very long time.

Fidelio had reached the penultimate crescendo in its current number, in spite of the low volume Carlisle had set, all the voices of the chorus in complete harmony with the instruments and the lead performers. It was a kind of breaking point, really. Breaking whatever was taking place in the opera, as well as the depressing point in our conversation. But I didn’t think the despair was over just yet. Something was nagging at me again. Just as I had felt that the previous night would be intruded upon at some point, I could sense that more dark discussions were on the way in the near future. The only thing that eluded me about that future was what form the discussion would take.

There was only one person I knew of who might not find that future so elusive.

Unless I was very much mistaken about the strength of Alice’s abilities, I was going to be on the phone rather soon.

* * *

 


	8. Somber

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

I don’t have any actual knowledge of medical ailments or procedures. My apologies if what I’ve included is incorrect.

I took my descriptions of the Volturi from the film, since I love how they look inNew Moon. Also, the events that Bella recalls in Volterra are a mix of the books and the films.

> **Chapter 8: Somber**

My pathetic attempts at wheedling and debating and coercing Alice into telling me what conversations were in store for this evening had gone on for almost an hour before I finally resorted to whining endlessly. It was my last ditch effort to find out what might be happening. One thing was for certain, Alice _did_ know what was likely to happen. That must have meant that Carlisle had something in mind to discuss, since I sure didn’t. Nevertheless, my best friend was being especially elusive.

"Alice, come on!" I sighed desperately, slouching in on myself with aggravation. "You’ve got to let me know something!"

"Bella, I _can’t_!” Alice reprimanded me sharply through the phone and I could picture her stamping one foot in frustration. “Edward can’t know about it. I’m barely keeping some of your conversations from him now. If you were spending just one more day alone with Carlisle, I might not be able to block Edward for much longer. I’m just lucky that I got far enough away that my voice isn’t carrying over to him or the others right now. If he heard what we’re saying, whether through his own ears or someone else’s thoughts, he would want to know what’s going on. And if he put real effort into it— and believe me, where you’re concerned, he _would_ — he probably could get it out of me. Now, please stop whining like a three-year-old and let me call Carlisle to tell him he can come back to the house. He’s sitting in a tree right at the outermost edge of our territory, worrying up a storm.”

"Oh, you’re a fine one to talk about whining like a three-year-old!" I petulantly responded, scowling at the nearest object, which happened to be the window of Edward’s room. I pointedly ignored the remark about Carlisle worrying. It wasn’t my fault if Alice over-embellished her story to get him out of the house for a little bit. If anyone was going to be apologizing for Carlisle’s worries, it was her. I almost said as much, but the pixie-like vampire knew all too well what I was planning say once I’d decided.

"Bella, I’ll talk to him tomorrow," Alice sighed deeply, sounding much more like a nearly century-old vampire than she usually did. "Now, please go?"

There was her pleading voice. That voice that made me feel bad for her even when I didn’t want to. Ugh.

"All right, fine." My face hurt from scowling, anyway. Plus, I doubted it would help Carlisle’s worry if I looked irritated as heck when he got back.

"Thank you," she let out a great gust of unnecessary air, obviously relieved. "I’ll see you tomorrow. Okay?"

"Sure, sure." I winced sharply as the phrase escaped me unnoticed. Not so much for Jacob’s pain at that particular moment; his behavior the night before hadn’t left me feeling very lenient. Mostly, I winced because the phrase was a reminder of the good times before Jacob had become so bitter. Before Sam’s Jacob had overridden the old Jacob. But those thoughts were doing me absolutely no good right now.

The phone clicked and then the dial tone started up. Sighing heavily at my thoughts, I turned to leave Edward’s room and head back downstairs. By the time I made it to the back door, Carlisle would probably be waiting there already. As I headed back down, my mind wouldn’t leave the Jacob issue alone. Usually, it was difficult to feel angry at him for a long period of time. Even one day was generally over-long. But it was awful that he thought so little of the Cullens. The fact that he was so willing to kill Carlisle for something he didn’t do was actually rather terrifying. Besides that, it was very hard to not feel oppressed by Jacob, let alone the entire pack, for not allowing me this choice to make. I was informed and I was aware of my restrictions. Why couldn’t they let it go?

Well, Carlisle wasn’t at the back door at exactly the moment I made it there, but a flash of a breeze hit me a moment afterward and I knew he was there. Turning to face the inside of the house, there Carlisle stood, pristine as if he hadn’t just run through the forest.

"Is everything all right?" he took in my expression carefully, probably checking to see if I was hiding my emotions. Which, of course, I was.

"Everything’s fine," I lied smoothly, or so I thought. He noticed the charade with ease.

"Hm…" was all he said for a moment, but the disbelief was plain on his face when he eventually said something. "You don’t look fine. You look rather depressed, quite frankly."

That was pretty blunt, at least for Carlisle’s standards. “Sorry.”

"Don’t apologize to me," he lifted his hands in a gesture of surrender, exhaling a single sound laughter. "You’re not required to be happy every moment of the day, although I highly suspect you’d enjoy the change."

"Do tell." I raised a challenging eyebrow, crossing my arms in irrational defiance.

"Or perhaps not," he raised an eyebrow of his own, much more impressive on his face than mine, I suspected. "Well, nevermind. I thought I recognized a few of the signs. Maybe I was wrong."

It could have just been me – although I didn’t think so – but something in the way Carlisle said he ‘recognized the signs’ seemed less like a doctor’s appraisal than a personal comparison. Carlisle wasn’t really a depressed person, or so I felt, yet here was almost a confession of his feelings early on in this existence. That was a disheartening thought. It looked like we’d be starting our somber discussions sooner than I expected.

"Is that the real reason you tried to destroy yourself? Depression?"

Silence met my blatant, uncannily accurate inquiry and I began to regret bringing it up. But why would he make such a candid remark? He should know by now that I was too curious (and too observant) for my own good.

"Yes," his quiet reply surprised me. It was such a simple admission, but the emotion that lay behind it was slightly frightening. Having perfect recall was as much of a curse as it was a blessing.

"Edward only told me that you were horrified with what you were," I ventured this questioning remark far more hesitantly than the one before it.

"From reading my thoughts," Carlisle was equally as hesitant to discuss the topic at hand, fidgeting uncharacteristically for a vampire as he stood a few feet across from me, "Edward _may_ not have garnered the exact feelings that triggered my attempts at self-destruction. My thoughts were mainly focused on the disgust I felt for being the monster—”

"You’re not a monster," I interrupted angrily, glaring at him for even suggesting it.

"At the time," he offered calmingly, placatingly, holding his hands up in surrender for the second time. "I thought I _was_.”

A harrumph of disapproval flew out on my exhale, causing his expression to lighten somewhat. My glare only partially dissipated as I took a seat on the second-to-last step of the staircase, which was nearest to the back door.

"As I was saying," he picked up the tack of the conversation, admirably ignoring my still-scowling face while smoothly taking a seat next to me. "My thoughts were mostly focused on my disgust for becoming the monster that I had sworn to hunt down. Whereas my feelings were harder to put into an actual thought. As such, Edward might not have seen the depression for what it was."

It was difficult to sit through a second round of the word ‘monster’ being applied to Carlisle, but his expression had wordlessly begged for my patience. Knowing how Edward’s father had felt about himself as a newborn vampire and just how I would react to those feelings, he was probably going to be wearing that expression a lot tonight.

"More likely, however," Carlisle continued thoughtfully, "Edward simply didn’t want to frighten you with such dark subject matter. He wasn’t very happy when Alice discussed the mechanics of the transformation with you in Phoenix."

"So _that’s_ why Alice didn’t want him to know.” Now, Alice’s words on the phone made much more sense. I almost hit myself for not thinking of that earlier. Obviously, Edward didn’t like me to know things that were so unhappy or depressing. He would definitely consider tonight’s subjects to be unhappy and depressing.

"Yes, that’s exactly why." For once, Carlisle had the completely wrong idea. Only this time, it was because my words had two meanings. I decided to let him think what he would.

"What made you so depressed?" Aside from becoming a mythical creature that was known to drink human blood, that is. Maybe I would regret that question, as it seemed fairly obvious, based on what Edward told me the first day I visited the Cullens.

"My father, mainly," Carlisle admitted sadly, but not to an excruciating degree. I realized that he didn’t have very good recall of these particular memories. "He was the only person in my life who was close to me at the time. Or at least, I felt the need to be close. If he had known what I was, he would have been disgusted."

"Are you sure?" I wanted to somehow change the belief that his father would have felt this way towards him, but Edward had labeled the elder Cullen as an intolerant man who persecuted harshly. A man who was displeased that his son was slow to accuse and quick to forgive.

"One night," Carlisle leaned back onto his elbow, where it was settled onto a higher step, "about three years after I was bitten, I went back to my old home."

The abrupt change in subject caught me off guard, but he stopped just as suddenly as he’d started.

"What happened?" I finally prompted him, worried that Carlisle could remember this mentioned visit very clearly. If it hurt him, he would always have an exact recollection of it..

"All of my things had been shoved into trunks," he murmured even lower than before, eyes miles and miles away, "and locked up in the attic. That was how I found my journal. My old room was locked, so I decided not to go in, but through the windows I could see it was emptied of everything."

He sounded mildly wounded, like he’d been punched in the gut and the area was still painful. The story felt far less promising than it might have otherwise. Yet I wondered what he had collected from the house of his birth. What things, outside of his journal, had he found important or significant enough to keep for eternity?

Carlisle went on, still lost in his thoughts, “I went to the church, as well, where my father was preaching the evening services. From the shadows, I heard a conversation between several members of the parish, just after services had ended. They still talked of that night, even after three years had passed.”

”’ _How could a son leave his father in such a fashion_?’” Carlisle absently imitated the people of his past and a strange bitterness overtook his voice. “’ _What a disgrace, running off on the other, braver men and leaving them all to die in his stead._ ’”

"The town had obviously been told quite a pack of lies," he mused, mostly to himself, "Not an easy feat with so many people involved, but as I found out from their conversation, almost all the other men in the raid had been decimated by the coven we’d found. The ones who made it back had been far in the back of our group and ran home once the screaming started, unwilling to risk their lives any further; they hadn’t even seen my struggle when they left. I was the only survivor of the actual attack, though no one would have considered it survival if I was one of the undead. Of course, my father wouldn’t have wanted to be seen as a sullied man, even if simply by association to me. Claiming that I had run off was far more acceptable than admitting that I was no longer human. My father made it appear as though I had been too afraid to join the raiding party at all."

"You were the bravest of all of them," I finally made my thoughts known, quiet though it was.

"I had no choice," Carlisle countered the statement with a derogatory shake of his head. "In my human life, it was either follow my father or face ruin."

"Maybe you didn’t have a real choice to go that night," I barely allowed his comment to pass before I started in again, insistently, "but you came face-to-face with something that had most men running for their lives. Then you had to handle being something you didn’t want to be. And I think you’ve done more with this life than any of them ever did with theirs."

"Thank you," Carlisle just barely accepted my compliment with grace, but only just.

"Do you think…" It was a challenge to get out the words I wanted to say. After the lies Carlisle’s father had told and the way he’d packed up Carlisle’s things so quickly, there wasn’t much hope that he would have been very understanding. "Maybe your father would have felt more understanding, since you were his son and not a stranger?"

"No, Bella," he firmly denied my vague hope, the corners of his mouth tightening almost imperceptibly. "He would have hated me."

"How could he hate his own son?" I couldn’t stop the slow, quiet, incredulous question from escaping. It seemed blasphemous to hate the child that you had made. Crazy that a parent could despise the child of their own flesh and blood.

"Once I became a vampire," Carlisle murmured lowly, looking blankly down at his hands, "I was no longer the son he had fathered."

"That’s asinine!" I retorted furiously, clenching my fists. "You would still be you. Still the baby that Pastor Cullen’s wife gave birth to. And still the child that he raised to adulthood. Somehow, no matter how harsh and unforgiving your father was as he raised you, you turned out to be an extraordinarily compassionate man. You turned out kind, you turned out _good_. Becoming a vampire never changed that. If your father ever knew you _at all_ , he would have realized that in some part of himself.”

And because the weekend had somehow disabled my typical, Charlie-esque emotional self, I wrapped my arms around Carlisle’s neck in a tight hug that belied the admiration and affection I felt for this humbled man. There was always just that indefinable something about Carlisle that made you want to hug him.

He half-smiled as I pulled away, pulling himself up into a sitting position on the step. “Thank you. And this time I really mean it.”

"Good." I nodded firmly, and it was immediately followed by the grumbling of my stomach. I flushed hotly with my embarrassment.

Carlisle chuckled, albeit very kindly. “We both know what that means…”

"Dinner for the human," The two of us chorused in unison, laughing at each other for the pathetic little joke. I let him pull me to my feet on the bottom step.

"Are you going to let me cook again?" We headed into the kitchen side by side, but he paused at my question.

"I won’t stop you," Carlisle smiled, instead taking a seat at the island while I made dinner on my own.

Comfortable silence seemed to become apart of the dinner-making process whenever I was with Carlisle. Thanks to his reflection in the windows above the counter, I caught him watching my cooking skills in fascination, though I doubted he would ever admit to it. He was obvious about his interest when I ate, but he appeared very reluctant to admit to it now, when I was cooking. Out of raging curiosity, I decided to ask.

I turned abruptly to Carlisle, though he could not have been surprised at all with his inhuman senses. He was already focusing on the windows above the counter, when I knew for a fact (thanks to those self-same windows) he had been watching my meal come together just a split–second before.

"Why do you do that?"

"What?" He would look completely bemused to any outsider as he turned to me innocently.

"Turn away like that," I pressed knowingly. "I know you were watching me as I worked. When you realized I saw, you turned away. Why?"

"I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable," he confessed with a sigh. "Edward said you didn’t like it when he watched you."

Trust Edward to concoct something like that. Yes, I disliked attention, but I really wasn’t that touchy with something like this. There was just something about _Edward’s_ staring, specifically, that made me blush. Plus, Carlisle was curious about everything under the sun. It was actually sort of natural for him to watch each and every thing he saw.

"I think Edward’s exaggerating a little," I told him with somewhat amused exasperation, rolling my eyes a bit. "If you’re really that curious, go ahead and watch. I don’t mind. And besides, it’s never stopped you from watching me when I’m eating. I don’t really see a difference."

"I suppose there isn’t," he admitted. "It just seems impolite to stare at you when you’re back is turned."

That made me snort. “Right, because staring at all isn’t normally considered impolite.”

He coughed to stifle his embarrassed laughter.

When I turned back to the counter, his eyes in the reflection were back on my hands as I worked. I quickly looked back once, to test him, and he laughed outright at me. I grinned in return and didn’t look back again until I turned to the island with a small salad and a set of grilled cheese sandwiches.

It was absurdly amusing how much simpler my meals for myself were, when compared to the succulent dinners that the Cullens always made for me. Perhaps I was just lazy.

"You know, I think I’m starting to get spoiled," I said once I finally finished my dinner. Carlisle looked up, humor in his golden eyes, as I rose to wash my dishes. "It’s like I forget how to cook decent meals for myself whenever I’m over here."

"I’m sure you’ll remember, eventually," he teased, grinning lightly. "Charlie will be sure to remind you of all the better meals."

"Yeah, that I don’t doubt," I pointed vaguely in the air for emphasis. "Maybe _that’s_ what I should be putting in a journal.”

"Maybe you should," he continued to tease, but it was a little less playful now. Not what I had planned to do at all.

"Do they sell any good ones in Forks? For really clumsy people?" I allowed myself to ask, going with the flow now that I had brought it up.

"No, I don’t think so," he replied, taking a breath in contemplation. "Not if you’re looking for something sturdy enough that it won’t mind a few trips down to the ground."

"Haha," I mocked a laugh, rolling my eyes at his dry humor. "Very funny, Carlisle."

"As I intended it to be," he responded smartly.

"So a trip to Port Angeles is in order," I carried on, studiously ignoring his erupting grin. "I wonder if Charlie would let me go with Alice next weekend."

"I could suggest it," Carlisle offered up the thought, "and Alice would be able to convince him of it when she visits this coming Friday."

"Of course she would," I shook my head at the thought of Charlie’s affection for Alice. Sometimes, I wondered if she wasn’t his daughter rather than me. That was just how tightly he was wound around her little finger. "You know, I think Charlie just might be willing to trade you daughters. You’d get me and he’d get Alice."

"I very much doubt that," Carlisle disagreed pleasantly. "Charlie would die before he’d give you up. And somehow, I don’t think Alice would approve of Charlie’s fashion sense."

I laughed freely at the thought. Alice and Charlie would butt heads on that issue even more often than she did with me. “Good point.”

"Besides," he continued calmly, "Not to sound vain, but it wouldn’t make sense if I traded for something that I already have."

It took a moment for the words to make sense to me, a silent moment in which I blinked confusedly. When I did make the connection, annoying tears pricked behind my eyes. “Oh. I… Thank you.”

He smiled beautifully, a paternal smile of pride, and I was gone. Tears welled up, but didn’t fall, and I swiped the wetness away stubbornly. Carlisle allowed me my moment of emotion, remaining silent and still in his seat, but for the hand he laid atop the one of mine that wasn’t drying my tear ducts. His icy fingers reminded me to pull myself together, although I didn’t think that was necessarily his intention as much as simple comfort.

"Would you tell me a story?" I asked him. "About the times before you found Esme and Edward?"

"Gladly," he smiled genuinely, patting my hand. "Is there any specific time frame you were curious about?"

"None in particular." I shrugged.

"I have an idea," he offered brightly. "Why don’t you pick a portrait in my office?"

"That sounds cool," I smiled in excitement. "There’s so many to choose from, though."

"You’d better get looking, then." Carlisle laughed once, rising from his seat and gesturing to the doorway. "Ladies first."

"Why thank you, sir." I grinned and walked ahead of him, his chuckles following me as we headed to the stairs. In a blur of movement, he ducked beneath the staircase and back up to me where I had only reached the third step.

"Heat," he answered my curious look and I rolled my eyes, but kept silent until we reached his office. It really wasn’t all that cold now and the heat hadn’t even had time to work yet.

"Blankets would probably suffice," I told him dryly. "I’ll need it once I’m sitting next to you, anyway."

"Oh well," he shrugged gracefully. "Better safe than sorry. If, by some miraculous chance, you actually get too warm, I’ll be enough of a coolant to fix that."

"Too warm in Forks," I snorted with laughter, running a hand through loose strands of my hair in pure exasperation. "Uh-huh."

"Exactly," he shook his golden head in amusement, sitting at his desk and taking out a stack of papers and a pen. I couldn’t tell what exactly he was working on, but it had a lot of spaces in which to write information, although he was filling them out at a speed I envied just a bit.

I turned to face the wall of portraits with interest, immediately knowing better than to ask about The Waggoner right now. We had talked quite a bit about Carlisle’s years in that era. His journal, once I read it after the change, would explain a lot of my curiosity concerning that time in his life anyway.

Each portrait held so many unanswered questions that I could not decide which one to ask about. Waiting until I had looked at every frame seemed the best idea. Fascination, inspiration, sadness, and a whole host of other emotions filled me as I eyed the varying pictures for a long while. But at last my gaze passed over the gigantic, gold-framed portrait painted by Solimena. Carlisle’s form, standing slightly in the back, didn’t even faze me.

The three brothers stood regal in their rich, eighteenth-century costume. Beautiful, even, as the artist had seen them overlooking the chaotic plaza in Volterra. At the head of the trio stood Aro – long, straight black hair, lightest of the kingly golden outfits – and I could only remember the filmy-looking texture of his freezing skin and his high, false laughter. The second dark-haired brother, Marcus, in the darkest of the trio’s clothing, stood to Aro’s left as bored and empty of expression as I had seen in the high-ceilinged, white marble chamber. Haughty and hard, the snowy-haired Caius stood at Aro’s right hand.

All of this was not what truly gathered my attention so stringently. Beneath the recollection of our time in Italy, a single emotion was spiked in my chest that I had not felt at any of the other portraits.

It was fear.

Every moment of terror that had captured me so blindingly in the presence of the red, black, and gray clothed vampires returned with a vengeance. A snuff of breath escaped me in fright as Felix, gargantuan even compared to Emmett’s bulk, blacked out my vision as he advanced to kill me on Aro’s order. Edward flipped me behind him for protection, fighting until Felix finally pinned him and held his beautiful, bronze-capped head to rip it from his shoulders. My breath hitched painfully.

Worse still, Jane’s enormous, demonic ruby eyes stared me down, hoping to cause me the same immense pain that she was laying onto my bronze-haired angel; my poor, emotionally destroyed Edward.

The sight abruptly sent me stumbling back into something hard and cold. In the haze of recollection, I now fought Alice to get to Edward; to stop, in any way, the vicious little blonde from hurting him so monstrously. Even to stand between them if I could. Alice turned me to face into her own body, trapping my arms between her chest and mine, while the vice of her interconnected hands held me close. I thrashed against her, even knowing that I was hurting myself rather than getting free. As quickly as she had contained my arms, suddenly she had my entire body held still. Even my head was trapped beneath her granite chin, face turned to the side as Edward still strained against the ungodly pain of Jane’s power.

"Stop, please! Stop hurting him! Alice, let me _go_!” I screamed at her, at anyone, to listen, straining to the utmost within the strength of her grasp. But Alice did not hear me, no one heard me it seemed, until a familiar voice reached my frenzied mind. A voice that had not been with us in Volterra.

"Bella, stop fighting!" Carlisle’s tense, but firm tenor slammed into my hearing, right above the shell of my ear. "You’re here, in Forks, at home. You’re safe! Edward is safe! Stop fighting. Stop fighting. You’re safe…"

Warm gentility replaced the force of his tone as I went still in his arms, the fight fleeing my veins. As coherency returned to my mind, I finally recognized that the Alice whom I thought had restrained me was actually Carlisle, on his knees with me. My head was tucked between his chin and his throat, my arms crossed and held between my chest and his. With one arm across my back and shoulder, he kept my body against him, and with the other he held my legs so that I could not kick wildly. In spite of his restraint, some bruises decorated what could be seen of my skin, all from the force of my reaction.

My heart was still racing madly against my ribcage, pounding like the strongest of river rapids. The speed frightened me, as did the hitching, gasping breaths that barely wheezed in and out of my lungs. The added fear only increased my body’s difficulties. Carlisle’s skin was so icy against my own that I knew I was running a frantic temperature due to my outburst. Belatedly, I realized that my face and the front of Carlisle’s shirt were both soaking wet from my own tears. Trails of the salty liquid were still flooding my eyes.

"If I let go, can you stay still?" His voice was slightly unsteady, worry and fear etched deeply into every syllable he uttered. I couldn’t reply. No matter how many deep breaths I tried to take, I couldn’t take in enough air to breathe properly, let alone speak.

"Bella, listen to me," Carlisle went on as calmly as he could. "I want you to nod if you can stay still. Please."

The function of nodding was jerky, at best, but it was enough to convey my answer. I knew that thrashing was unnecessary.

"Sit still and take deep breaths," He commanded sternly and quickly, which I tried to obey with great difficulty as he cautiously settled me into a sitting position against the desk. He flashed out of sight, the sound of impossibly fast shuffling reaching my ears, and then he suddenly appeared back in my sight. What was in his hands bothered me, but seeing as I couldn’t seem to calm my heart, I reluctantly saw the necessity.

"I’m sorry," he apologized kindly, but rapidly, already having dabbed my arm with alcohol. I nodded with a hard swallow as he pressed the needle into my skin and emptied half of the tiny syringe into me.

Carlisle moved to hold me against his back as a support and then coached me through many deep breaths, each one causing a little twinge in my chest as I followed the movements of his. My body calmed steadily as the sedative took effect, allowing me to relax back into Carlisle after a while. Before I knew it, blackness enclosed my sight.

It felt as though Carlisle had never even been present as my dreams took over where my recollections had left off.

Edward was in pain again, body stiff and cracking under the weight of Jane’s crimson gaze. Only now, he was not a vampire. He was distinctly human; blood seeped from wounds that began to grow in size the longer he was held in the deceptively small vampire’s power. Felix took his turn, twisting and breaking and hitting Edward in hundreds of painful, scream-inducing ways that made me want to die just to escape it.

Now, even more terrible than before, the scene became a double nightmarish feature. As Felix attacked Edward over and over, Jane procured Alice for continuous torture. Tiny, perky Alice writhed on the ground in utmost pain beneath evil scarlet orbs. Watching this display, I was trapped in what felt like a steel encasement of my body, only my eyes able to move. Aro laughed his high, airy laugh in the background as Edward’s and Alice’s pure, beautiful features contorted in agony. I screamed.

Something else happened upon my despicable dream world then. Jasper and Carlisle appeared shortly after Felix laid his cruel fists on Alice. Edward’s brother watched calmly as his own wife was terrorized, entirely unperturbed by the scene that was playing out before his amber eyes. Carlisle stood behind him, equally as unbothered as Jasper, his medical bag laid mockingly on the ground at his feet. The sheer ease of Jasper’s and Carlisle’s posture and the lack of care for Alice’s or Edward’s pain started me screaming all over again. Screaming my apologies to Edward and Alice. Screaming for Carlisle to heal them, for Aro to end it, for Jane to look away, for Felix to stop, for Jasper to _do_ something. Heaven only knows what else I pleaded for as more tears and sobs escaped me.

I was shaken sharply from my horrors, coming awake with a start to find three of the very people in my dreams, hovering in front of my face with their expressions frozen in absolute horror, mixed with other emotions I couldn’t identify at first. Closest to me, Carlisle’s hands were on my shoulders, he obviously being the one to wake me. Alice was trembling visibly just behind him, Jasper’s arms wrapped from behind around her tiny, quivering frame as tightly as he could get them to go without hurting her. Beyond the three of them, I noticed the furnishings of Edward’s room and relief hit me strongly. I didn’t think I could take looking at Solimena’s painting again. Jasper sighed in a little relief as well, probably correlated to my change in attitude.

"Carlisle." I was shocked by the hoarseness of my own voice. How much had I actually screamed?

"Bella," he whispered, almost as if he was afraid to break me with his very breath. He reached for something at his side and came back with a glass of water, which I gratefully accepted after he helped me to sit up against the headboard. My first drink of the cool liquid was practically a choking gulp before Carlisle steadied me into smaller sips, his hand lightly guiding the glass to my lips.

"What time is it?" I asked once my throat was less parched, though nonetheless scratchy, letting Carlisle set the glass back down.

"Two-thirty in the morning," he answered a little louder, but still softly, appraising me with concern. "You’ve been asleep for six hours, now."

"You guys are back early," I smiled vaguely at Alice and Jasper at the news, neither of which even attempted to return it. "Still no grizzlies out there?"

Jasper cracked a tiny smile at that, though it was very forced. Alice closed her eyes momentarily and Carlisle took a deep, steadying breath.

"You scared me half to _death_ ,” Alice’s whisper was choked, like nothing I had ever heard before. “I was halfway back here before Jasper even knew I’d gone.”

I froze mid-reach for the glass of water, blinking in stunned confusion. “You saw this happening?”

"God, yes," she opened her now-golden eyes to focus on my face. "I panicked when I saw you fighting Carlisle in his office. Even after he gave you the sedative, I had to come back."

"Edward’s not here, is he?" I wondered aloud, realizing very rapidly that he wasn’t hovering by my side in worry as he normally would be.

"I called him when I arrived, although I didn’t give too many details. I barely convinced him to stay behind," Alice went on, one hand firmly holding Jasper’s arm around her and the other stretching out to grab my hand, "but he couldn’t refute my reasons for him to stay back. Honestly, I just knew that he would never leave again if he came back now."

"Good," I nodded my appreciation. "He has to hunt. If things get like they were before you all left on Friday, life would be awful."

"On that, we agree," Jasper responded, his fraction of a smile more sincere this time. I was pleased to note his eyes were a pure, beautiful amber. At least he and Alice were fully fed. Hopefully Edward would be the same on his return. He certainly had enough distractions from us to last a lifetime.

"I’ll call the others and explain what exactly happened," Carlisle offered, standing from his seat beside me. "I’m sure they’re very worried and confused."

"That’s an understatement, if I’ve ever heard one," I smiled a little as he left, trying desperately to lighten the atmosphere. Jasper seemed to understand. Peace filled me at once. Alice’s tense expression dropped noticeably and the pixie-like vampire smiled back at her husband. His answering smile was sweet.

"Thank you, Jasper," Carlisle’s relieved voice reached us from down the hall and Alice smiled just that much wider.

"I’m sorry Alice," I told her guiltily. "I didn’t even know I had that in me."

"It wasn’t your fault." Surprisingly, it was Jasper who spoke instead of Alice, his voice a picture of pain that I had never seen before. "I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to watch Alice in a similar situation. Just hearing what you said in your sleep was painful enough. If I could sleep, my dreams wouldn’t be so far off from your own."

"I’m usually pretty good about relegating the bad memories, though," I told him with a sigh, glad that he was interacting with me. "But when I saw that painting…"

"We know Bella," Alice interrupted me with a shake of her head.

"I don’t know why I reacted that way," I muttered, half to myself. "I only get that worked up over stuff like this in my dreams, no matter how bad it is."

"Unless it involves Edward getting hurt," Alice remarked knowingly. I sighed my resignation to that fact.

"Or Alice," Jasper murmured lowly, hitting just as close to home. I nodded solemnly at him. Alice blanched in spite of the peace her husband was producing.

"What did I _say_ in my sleep?” I begged the question. “I’ve never seen you like this, Alice.”

"I doubt there’s much that was left out," Alice ominously explained. Now it was me who blanched. Jasper sighed again, not so much in relief this time.

"Oh." I looked down again, afraid of the now-well-hidden fright in my best friend’s eyes.

"You were rather… descriptive." Jasper had a difficult time voicing it. I looked up reluctantly, to find an expression on his face that somehow reminded me of Edward. I abruptly realized that it was the same look that Edward had worn just before we came to this house to vote on my becoming a vampire. When we were discussing my need to hear his voice. He had looked like something was burning him alive. That Jasper echoed that expression now was a testament of his love for Alice.

"The others will be back in a few hours," Carlisle’s soft voice came from the doorway, drawing my gaze up to him before he headed back out of the room. I hadn’t noticed moments before, but his eyes were not as purely golden as they had been the past couple of days. There was more black in them at the moment.

"Four hours, twenty-six minutes, fifteen seconds," Alice confirmed precisely, making me and Jasper chuckle. Relief was a palpable emotion now.

"Are you staying?" I inquired of Alice after a comfortable pause.

"Not in the house," she admitted a bit guiltily, but there was something she wasn’t telling me.

"Vision?" I asked in resignation. Jasper snickered, face buried in Alice’s shoulder, amused with my quick understanding. I grinned a little.

"Vision," she sighed exasperatedly – both in irritated confirmation of my understanding and annoyance at her husband’s reaction – and patted my hand. "I will be here tomorrow, though. Promise."

"Okay," I accepted it. "Oh, by the way—"

"I’ll talk to Charlie on Friday," Alice interrupted me with a knowledgeable smirk. "He’ll worry that we’re sneaking Edward along, Carlisle will come and pick us up in the Mercedes, and then Charlie will let us go easily."

"Why do I even bother?" I shook my head wryly. "Thanks, Alice."

"You’re welcome." She smiled at me, but then abruptly turned to her husband in a more serious tone. "Jasper, I think Carlisle might need someone to ease his nerves."

Jasper kissed her cheek lightly and disappeared from the room. Alice then leapt up beside me, leaning forward to give me a tight hug before she settled back down onto the pale gold and white bedcovers, right arm still slung around my shoulders.

"You need to talk about Italy, Bella," she informed me gravely. "This could have ended badly."

"I don’t think it will happen again," I countered her, serious now. "Anyway, the last time I saw that painting, it wasn’t exactly the start of the best times in my life."

"That’s all too true," she sighed heavily. "I’m so sorry, Bella. I can’t believe I actually let Edward talk me into leaving."

"Jasper needed a little space, though, don’t you think?" I suggested kindly, not at all attempting to offend her husband. "He had to overcome what happened. It wasn’t easy. If you didn’t go with him, it would be just that much harder. Besides that… I think Edward and I both learned some very important things from all of this."

"Such as?" Alice sounded and looked very angry, her eyes narrowing to slits and her arm stiffening behind me. Obviously she was too distracted to check into our futures right now, or she would have seen my answer already.

"We can’t live without each other," I calmly explained, determined not to be scared off by her admittedly intimidating vampire nature. To prove my strength, I leaned my head comfortably down on her rock-hard shoulder. "That’s not to say that we don’t still have problems to work through. But it’s still a fact that before all of this happened, I knew I loved him more than anything and he knew that he loved me more than anything, but that was it. Neither of us believed that the other’s love was as strong as our own."

"That’s true, too," Alice rolled her eyes dramatically. "You two can be so _irrational_ about each other.”

"There isn’t much rational about love," I pointed out smugly.

"Since when are you a philosopher?" She scoffed loudly.

"Ask Carlisle," I joked.

"Don’t," Jasper appeared in the doorway and his stance immediately concerned me. He was very stiff, just as tense as when I’d woken. It didn’t look like the thirst was bothering him, but more like his empathic powers were. Whatever he was feeling, it wasn’t me and it didn’t appear to be Alice, either. That left Carlisle.

"What’s going on?" I immediately moved to stand, but Alice’s grip around my shoulders became firm, holding me in my place. "Alice, what—?"

"Wait a moment," she ordered me with a demanding finger upheld for silence. Her eyes quickly went into that daydreaming gaze that meant she was checking the future. Jasper instinctively moved to her other side. Minutes passed as Alice sat gazing into space, gold eyes lost in something that was yet to occur. Jasper and I sat motionless, staring at her face for some kind of reaction. At last, she snapped from her vision.

"Stupid fool!" she hissed violently, body beginning to tremble similar to the Quileutes when they were about to transform. Jasper and I were equally startled by the brunt of her fury. Alice was not feeling very peaceable, if Jasper’s uncomfortable face was anything to judge by. It was only confirmed when a particularly impolite word escaped her mouth in a rough tone that was extremely ill-matched to her normally bell-like voice.

"Alice, what is it?" Jasper asked, gently moving her arm off of me as a precaution and infusing the room with a calm that did nothing more than wash over Alice and then dissipate like mist. Her furious expression remained exactly the same – eyes fiery as molten gold, her lips tight and thin from anger.

"What did you see?" I added steadily, to no immediate reply. Jasper and I exchanged a worried glance.

"Bella, I don’t know _how_ you fell in love with my idiot of a brother,” were the first words out of her mouth after another full minute of silence and concerned looks between Jasper and me. The venom in her tone sent a shiver down my spine. Edward looked to be in gargantuan trouble for some reason. I was almost afraid to find out what he’d done, if it was something that would make Alice _this_ mad.

"What did he _do_?” I pressed. No answer was forthcoming from Alice as her eyes went blank again, this time appearing to be involuntary. It must be big, whatever was going on.

Startling us a third time, she leapt off of the bed and out the door in a blur, snarling out “ _Not_ happening!” as she went.

"Jasper?" I turned back to him in shock, finding my expression mirrored on his perfectly angular features as he sat on the opposite edge of the bed, arm outstretched behind where Alice’s back had just been. His posture was a clear indication that feeling someone’s emotions didn’t necessarily clarify why they felt that way.

"I’m not sure," he told me as his brows furrowed and he stared after the direction Alice had gone, "She’s normally more articulate about it."

"Edward must have done something incredibly stupid," I reluctantly voiced the major thought running through both our heads. He nodded sharply. "But what could he have done?"

"Again, I’m not sure," he told me patiently. "but Carlisle’s gone."

"What do you mean ‘gone’?" I demanded. "He just left? How was he feeling?"

"Worried," Jasper hesitantly admitted, but I could tell there was more to it than that.

"And?" I prompted him forcefully.

"Hurt, sad, guilty," he sighed the answer back to me. "After he explained it all to Esme, he was all right. But not long after I joined him in his office, Edward called. It turned a little angry after a while. That was when I came back here. Carlisle went out to the edge of the territory, so Alice and I didn’t have to hear the argument. I didn’t even know Carlisle had gone until Alice ran off after him."

"Oh no," I shook my head in disbelief. "No, no, no! I swear, if Edward yelled at him for this…"

I loved Edward with every fiber of my being. I knew I couldn’t live without him. But he was picking the wrong battle to fight. In fact, there shouldn’t be any battle to be picked at all. Carlisle was his father and doing the best he could in a very strange situation. Namely dealing with a stubborn vampire son and his stubborn human girlfriend.

"We don’t know that he did," Jasper reminded me, but he sounded almost as doubtful as I felt.

"Why in the heck would Alice be so mad, then?" I threw back at him, getting off the bed and searching out my tennis shoes hurriedly, foregoing the socks in my haste. As I crouched to look under the bed, dark strands fell out of my loosely-tied bun to cloud my vision. "Who knows what else he yelled at him for. As if Carlisle needs to be yelled at right now. Edward can be so downright stupid and bullheaded sometimes…"

I kept ranting to myself as I finally pulled out my shoes and bent forward to pull them on and tie them, until I glanced up and noticed Jasper sitting silently, if a bit stiffly, on the bed still.

"Why aren’t you going after them?" I demanded and looked up at him through a curtain of hair that made me feel like some sort of wild woman from the forest.

"Alice would be upset if I left you alone here," he said, obviously torn between his two paths. He would love to follow Alice and ensure she was okay, but he also knew better than to leave her best friend behind. I had a solution for both.

"Well, I’m going after them," I told him self-assuredly, straightening up my body and pushing the loose hair from my face. I doubted it looked any better or less wild, but at least I could see. "I think Alice would be _really_ upset if you let me go out _there_ alone.”

"I like the way you think," he complimented me with a barely-there smirk as I headed out the doorway and to the lower level. He followed at a human pace until I paused in the living room to grab Esme’s gray fleece for warmth.

"Do you think it’s very cold outside?" I questioned Jasper, stopping in the main room to pull on the fleece.

"For you, yes," he answered truthfully, standing a little awkwardly nearby. I guessed it _was_ kind of awkward. He’d had a bad moment at my birthday party and, if anything, it probably made him ten times more cautious around me.

"I guess I’ll get the coat, too," I remarked, mostly to myself. I remembered leaving it on one of the white couches while Carlisle and I watched Snow White. Before I had a chance to take two steps towards the furniture, Jasper appeared out of thin air in front of me, the blue coat extended for me to take. It reminded me of Carlisle this morning. Very thoughtful.

"Thanks." I slipped into it with his gentlemanly help.

"You’re welcome," he responded quietly.

"Let’s get this show on the road." I started walking towards the back doors, which Alice had left wide open. I wondered if she had envisioned us following, but decided she was probably already long gone by the time Jasper and I ever decided to go after her.

"Ah… Bella…" Jasper suddenly froze, tensing up for reasons unknown to me.

"Yes?" I stopped as well, turning to face him.

"How were you planning to get there?" he inquired nervously. I practically rolled my eyes. I wasn’t openly bleeding, so I was pretty sure of his resistance. Cullen men, I decided, must have some kind of mental deficiency that keeps them doubting their own self-control.

"You’re going to carry me," I stated with certainty. My assurance was painfully obvious. Jasper raised one brow speculatively.

"Am I?" he asked dubiously. His self-control was going to be a very frustrating point to work through in our familial relationship.

"Yes," I commanded the word with the most authority I could muster, although Jasper was doubtlessly far more moved by the iron will of my emotions than my voice.

"So I am," he smirked deeply, flashing out the back door to stand on the earth that settled about six inches lower than the threshold. I followed confidently, closing and locking the doors out of habit.

"For someone so small, you’re awfully demanding," Jasper’s heavily-accented words were heavily amused as he helped me climb up onto his back with strangely easy movements. The whole riding-on-a-vampire’s-back thing was getting all too easy.

"Says the man who married Alice," I teased him, and a deep chuckle was his reply as he swept us off in the direction that Carlisle’s and Alice’s scent led us.

* * *

 


	9. Smart

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

I figured it was plausible that, in an effort to keep down the upset his family has been through, Edward would have buried his anger for all that’s happened since September. Finally, everything just snapped for him when he thought Bella was hurt. That reminds me of a very Edward-like thing to do.

> **Chapter 9: Smart**

Running with Jasper was an entirely different animal than running with Carlisle and Edward. As with Edward, there was a sense of repressed energy that had been loosed only when running. The same as Carlisle, there was a sturdier feel to it. It certainly wasn’t an issue of trust, since I trusted Edward implicitly not to send me flying into a tree. I wasn’t quite sure what it was. Despite those two similarities, however, Jasper had a very… methodical way of running. It was like training for a marathon, only Jasper couldn’t get tired and worn down by it. Some unusual mixture of grace and strategy defined his every step.

"How far are they, do you think?" I asked quietly against the white collar of Jasper’s button-up shirt, knowing he would hear me as we crossed through the woods towards town.

"I can’t feel them yet," he tossed the answer over his shoulder at a volume I could hear, "so I don’t really know."

"Oh."

"Don’t worry," he reassured me with both words and a wave of calm.

"Easier said than done," I sighed amusedly against his shoulder. "Where are we?"

"Right along the Canadian border," he offered, but said no more.

Trees continued to whip past us, a dark, thick backdrop of green and black. Some white and golden lights, or at least I presumed that’s what they were, had flashed once or twice as we passed the houses around the edge of Forks. My thoughts wandered over what Edward could have done (or planned to do) to enrage Alice and hurt Carlisle. Sure, Edward wasn’t known for his tact at times, but my mind still could not wrap around the idea of my bronze-haired vampire being supremely angry at his father. Another puzzling aspect of the matter was Carlisle. Why did he run off like that? He surely wasn’t running away from Edward, was he? No, I firmly decided he could not be. But then maybe he was running _to_ his son, so as to discuss whatever had passed between them on the phone. Yes, that sounded more like him. And he probably wanted to keep the discussion – argument, really – far away from me. Not that I was going to let that happen.

Jasper started to slow after another minute or two, to a steady vampire jog. My surroundings were still rather blurred as they passed me by, but some of larger trees were more discernible.

"I can feel them," Jasper announced suddenly, then breathing in the air for the scents of our family. "Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie… I don’t sense Emmett or Edward yet."

"Good," I heaved a sigh of relief, although I quickly realized that Edward was faster than any of the Cullens. He would be able to beat Jasper to the others, if he was running from approximately the same distance. Unless he was allowing Emmett to match him stride for stride, which would slow him down a little bit.

We said nothing more until we passed out of the trees and into a very lightly wooded area, wherein Jasper stopped. I took stock of Alice in her cornflower blue, baby-doll blouse sitting to the left of Carlisle and a khaki-clad Esme sitting to the right of him, on the trunk of a tree which had long been cut down. Carlisle’s head was in his hands, which were buried in his hair. The vulnerability and despondency of his pose struck me uncomfortably. Esme had one hand wrapped around his right forearm, rubbing up and down in a soothing manner; the other she held at the nape of his neck, gently running her fingers back and forth through the ends of his pale golden hair. Once, she placed a kiss at his right cheek and leaned her forehead against the same spot. The soft yellow of her blouse matched her soft mannerisms perfectly.

Rosalie stood ahead of the three in a bright red sweater and black jeans with her blonde waves wrapped into a complicated braid; she was obviously a barrier between them and whatever was coming their way. I shuddered at the idea that it was Edward’s temper, even if I didn’t think he would actually attack anyone here. I made sure to check which direction Rosalie was facing (Alice must have told her where to watch), all the same, so I would know where Edward was going to be arriving from. If I had to step between him and another member of his family, I would. He would never attack me, that I knew, so I was a much better barrier than Rosalie. She might hurt him in an effort to keep him back and I didn’t want that.

Jasper kindly helped me off of his back and to the ground, but immediately let go once I was sturdy on my own two feet. I didn’t bother commenting on that fact, but walked over to the trio. Rosalie didn’t pay me any mind as I passed, too engrossed in her watch, but Alice certainly did when I stepped up beside her.

"I should be yelling at you two," she scolded us with a scowl, which only made Jasper snicker quietly. "And just what’s so funny?"

It was highly amusing to see Alice annoyed with Jasper, her hands plastered to her tiny hips like glue, but at the same time it worried me. Edward really had to have gotten her in an uproar if she was willingly scolding Jasper like this. I couldn’t think of a single time she’d ever done so before. Not in my presence, at least.

"I can’t really be blamed," he smirked as he glanced my way, to which I rolled my eyes. "Bella here is a sly little thing, you know."

"Hey!" I scowled at him indignantly, but he was hardly moved. If anything, he snickered a little louder. I had to admit, though, it was a good thing he was able to control the climate this much. Carlisle’s emotions had clearly gotten the better of Jasper back at the house. I couldn’t imagine what it felt like now.

"I’m very glad Bella’s here." Esme’s soft words caught my attention in an instant. I turned to face her, finding a worried, but genuine little smile on her face. I returned it with a bit more confidence than I actually felt.

"Oh well. I like having you here to ease things up a little," Alice immediately forgave. "Once Edward gets here, we’ll need it."

"Why is it taking him so long to get here?" I inquired out of the blue. "I thought he was with the rest of you. But Rosalie and Esme are already here and he’s not."

"We split into two pairs," Esme sighed. "Emmett’s had a hard time adjusting to what happened in Italy. Until the past few days, it didn’t really sink in that Edward nearly…"

She broke off with a pained countenance at the thought of Edward’s near death. I swallowed with difficulty at the idea, myself.

"We thought it might be helpful if they had some time for brotherly bonding," Rosalie spoke in Esme’s stead. "So Esme and I went off to give them some time. We were a lot closer to this place when Alice called us."

"Bella, sit with Carlisle and Esme while I talk with Jasper," Alice piped up suddenly. She was instantaneously dragging Jasper a little closer to the direction of the tree line which Rosalie was facing, whispering so fast her lips were barely a visible tremble.

"Sure," I agreed rapidly to her retreating figure as I took her now-empty seat beside Carlisle on the tree stump, hoping to help out somehow. Carlisle looked so utterly miserable that I wanted to yell at Edward just for making it happen. But then if I yelled at Edward, I would regret it later. Ugh. This situation was nearly impossible.

"Hi Esme," I offered the belated greeting with another smile, before blatantly leaning onto Carlisle’s hunched shoulder comfortably and looping my arms closely around his left bicep. His sharp inhale was the only response, except for a slight lessening of the tension in his shoulders. "Hi Carlisle."

"Hi," Esme laughed a very short, breath of a laugh at my obvious gesture. She was positively beaming at me.

"Carlisle," I ventured quietly when he didn’t reply.

"Bella," he murmured very low, very quiet. There was guilt in his words.

"Stop it, right now," I ordered him sternly, which sent Esme grinning slightly at me.

Carlisle turned to me in surprise, pulling his head out of his hands. I had the feeling that he had been doing that tearless crying that vampires did.

"The guilt thing," I sniffed in mock-condescension to his unspoken question, attempting to act lightly about it. "You’re being utterly absurd about it."

He blinked, eyes still that slightly darkened gold color, and then frowned. Still, he didn’t say much. “I don’t think I am.”

"But you are," Esme insisted strongly, but Carlisle turned his head down again. "You know it. We all know it. Once Edward comes back to himself, he’ll know it too."

“ _How_ do you know?” There was a lot of strain in his words. “He’s so angry with me, Esme.”

"Why?" I had to know. If I didn’t have some idea what was bothering Edward, I couldn’t try to fight it. And now I also needed to understand what could possibly make Edward so mad at Carlisle.

"Two reasons," It was Alice who spoke, back from her talk with Jasper, who remained a little ahead of Rosalie’s position. Alice settled on the ground right in front of me, now heedless of any dirt that could stain her designer jeans.

"What reasons?" I pushed for information.

"For one, he’s being retarded," she muttered angrily, "but I’ve already told you that."

"Numerous times," I said dryly, to which she just shrugged carelessly and Esme bit back a small laugh. Rosalie even snorted in amusement, startling me.

"Edward’s letting his emotions run away with him," Alice went on. "Not that there’s anything unusual about that."

"The point," Jasper re-entered the conversation, barely turning around to say his piece, "is that Edward has withheld his feelings until the last possible moment. Now, he’s exploding with all the pent up emotion."

"So, what you’re saying here," I tried to make sense of it, "is that Edward has been really upset for a while, but for some reason he didn’t say anything until now. And the fact that Carlisle couldn’t stop me from having a bad dream, _in_ _my own head_ , made him snap?”

"Pretty much," Alice sniffed disdainfully. "Ridiculous, isn’t it?"

"Yeah," I actually agreed perfectly with her assessment. My face was frozen in disbelief. "It really is."

"That’s Edward for you," was Rosalie’s snide remark, a sneer on her flawless features. For once, I took Edward’s advice about ignoring her.

"But what did…" I wanted to ask what he and Carlisle talked about. What in their conversation made him so angry? And what did Edward say that hurt his father so much? It had been bothering me the entire time, but I had no wish to make Carlisle more miserable by recalling it.

"Go ahead and ask, Bella," Alice sighed quietly, not in annoyance from what I could tell, but more in sadness about something. "It’s not going to make it any worse than it already is."

"What was said?" the question passed my lips much more hesitantly than it had in my mind.

"Oh, I don’t—" Esme started to intervene worriedly, but her husband touched his hand to hers, quelling the words.

"It’s all right, Esme," he soothed her, though his voice was rather bleak itself. "I suppose it would be best if everyone, particularly Bella, knew what caused all of this."

"Of course," she sighed deeply, but said no more.

"When I called the others," Carlisle began in a very low voice, barely turning his head in my direction, "Esme and Rosalie had just separated from Edward and Emmett. Edward could still hear their minds, however. He heard our entire conversation through Esme’s thoughts; about your panic attack, the sedative, the nightmare, everything. After Esme and I hung up, he called me. He was worried sick about you, Bella; absolutely frantic."

He paused to take a deep breath and I marveled at him for a moment. Even when Edward was feeling unnecessarily angry towards him, Carlisle was putting in a good word for his son. The emotional cost was high, that was easy to see, but he did it anyway. Jasper turned slightly towards us then, as if honing his skill to work on Carlisle the most. It seemed to do the trick, for Carlisle continued soon after.

"When I explained that the portrait had frightened you, he became furious. At first I thought the anger in his voice was meant for the Volturi. But I began to realize it was meant for me. For allowing you to see the painting, at the very least."

"That’s absurd!" I broke in loudly, stunned. "How could you have known that I’d react like that? I didn’t even realize I _could_ react like that.”

"Nevertheless," Carlisle went on, clearly more in line with Edward’s belief of his guilt, "he was angry. I tried to calm him, but he was being stubborn. Foolishly, I accidentally let slip a mention of something you and I had been discussing earlier in the day. I hadn’t meant to, but the conversation flowed in that direction and I was desperate to find something that would soothe him. That single remark completely ruined any chance of calming him. He flew off the handle, to say the least."

"What did you let slip?" I inquired warily, tension in my shoulders.

"Something about his rebellion," he admitted vaguely, even quieter than before.

"Oh," Esme half-whimpered in sadness, "He would never have wanted Bella to know about that."

"Which is wrong," I said forcibly, in such a way as to remind her that I was the woman Edward had plans to marry. Regardless of my answer to his proposal, Edward thought of me as his future wife, pretty much. What husband hides things from his wife? Not a good one, at any rate. "Carlisle doesn’t hide stuff from you, does he?"

That caught her off guard, but she considered it heavily for a moment, probably trying to find something redeeming in Edward’s secretive behavior. Carlisle waited in silence, apparently knowing instinctively that she wasn’t finished.

"I see your point," she agreed, nodding at last, though she looked sad. "Edward should be willing to share his past with you. Forgive me, Bella."

"Nothing to forgive," I half-shrugged and she smiled appreciatively.

"Go on, Carlisle," she urged him reluctantly, to which he nodded.

"He accused me of things, of course," he sighed, running a weary hand through his blond locks.

"What things?" I hated pressing like that, but I had to know the real reasons behind Edward’s attitude. Carlisle sighed a second time, world-weary by the sounds of it.

A pained expression overtook his golden features. “Not trusting him, going behind his back, breaking promises, killing your soul, stealing his life away… take your pick.”

Half a dozen responses flew through my mind, but none seemed at all appropriate. I decided on the least of them, in my opinion. “This is really just about the vote, about your promise to me. That’s what the real problem is, right?”

"Yes," he didn’t beat around the bush. Carlisle looked straight in my eyes as he said it. "Edward never expressed the full extent of his fury on that topic. He is incredibly angry with me."

Anyone, even the furthest stranger, could hear and see the pain that this idea caused Carlisle. He lowered his blond head once more, returning to the downtrodden pose of earlier. My heart went out to him. And to Esme, whose heart had to be breaking just as surely as her husband’s. But beneath my sympathy, anger and hurt brewed in equal measure.

Here I had been thinking Edward gained some measure of acceptance, or at least resignation, when all the time he was hiding how he really felt. Granted, I knew he promised to change me in exchange for marriage, but I had the feeling he would stall for as long as possible after we did get married. He still wanted me to be human for the rest of my – currently, very short – life, which wasn’t going to happen.

"Is he ever going to realize this is _my_ choice to make?” I burst in frustration. “I _asked_ for someone to do it. Carlisle accepted the challenge. So it’s between us now.”

"Tell Edward that," Rosalie snorted disgustedly. I flinched. I should have known she would hate my feelings on this subject.

"It’s not you," Jasper told me knowingly. "She’s disgusted with Edward."

Rosalie turned to Jasper and me in quick succession, realizing the double meaning in her words.

"He’s right," she admitted with a sharp nod and then turned back.

"Oh," I breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Alice and Esme looked at me understandingly. Carlisle even broke from his renewed misery to place one cold hand comfortingly atop both of mine, where they still rested around his arm.

"He’s close now," Jasper spoke up, pausing to take in the climate. "About… six-and-a-half miles."

"That’s not far, is it?" I asked knowingly, though I wondered why Alice wasn’t calling the shots if she could see it.

"No, it’s not," Jasper agreed.

"Can he hear you’re thoughts now?" I wondered, vaguely remembering the distance of a few miles that Edward mentioned last spring.

"Yes," Alice nodded in the affirmative. "Except for Carlisle and Esme, Edward can hear us all up to around seven miles away."

"How far for you?" I turned to Esme.

"Around eight. I’m not sure for Carlisle, but it’s bound to be the furthest of any of us."

"Makes sense." I reasoned out the distances with how long Edward had known each of them, when something occurred to me. If Edward was six-and-a-half miles away, he was bound to have been hearing Carlisle’s thoughts already. Was that why it was taking him so long? Did he realize just how much he was hurting Carlisle and regret his fury? Was he listening in order to determine what course he should take?

I was about to suggest it to Alice, when she turned and half shouted at me, “Bella!”

"What?" I looked at her in confusion, only now noticing that she was half in a trance.

"You’re right," she gasped excitedly. "He’s been listening."

By ‘listening’, I was certain she meant ‘listening to our thoughts’.

"So…" I gave her a look that said ‘so what does that mean?’

"He’s not going to be quite as stupid," she sighed in grateful relief. Carlisle’s slightly hopeful expression at this caught my attention. "He—"

She broke off suddenly, so I looked back to her. I found her focusing on the nearby trees, along with Jasper and Rosalie. Esme also was staring, but Carlisle turned back to his hands.

"One minute and fifteen seconds," Alice told us, rising from her seat fluidly to dance over to Rosalie’s side.

It took me a most of that minute to decide whether I should stay in my seat or stand up in defense of Carlisle. Staying in my comfortable position with Carlisle might allow Edward to see whose side of this argument I was on. But standing, I would be that barrier I needed to be. Alice’s glare in my direction let me know how irritating my indecision was becoming to her visions.

At last, I stayed where I was. Alice sighed in relief. “Smart choice, Bella. Much more effective.”

"Thanks," I mumbled my gratitude, glad of any extra advantage I could give. Everyone else (save Carlisle) looked at us in slight curiosity, but didn’t ask. A moment later, Edward and Emmett appeared through the trees.

Emmett, who walked up first, looked so… downhearted. He almost looked small in a way, despite his bulk. I hated it. Rosalie didn’t look much happier at his appearance, except that he was actually here.

When Edward came into my line of sight from between Alice and Rosalie, I had to force myself not to be dazzled. He looked absolutely heavenly, bronze hair an untidy mess and muscles outlined through his black knit t-shirt, but his eyes were a half-black, half-gold mixture from his anger and he appeared exceedingly annoyed by everyone being present. I didn’t especially like the look on his face, but he didn’t look furious as I had been imagining.

The moment he caught sight of me, situated at Carlisle’s side, he took a breath and relaxed partly. Alice was right about effectiveness. Not that I had doubted her. Edward’s eyes zeroed in on my arms, wrapped around Carlisle’s as they were, and then his eyes gained understanding. He knew what I was trying to do.

"Bella?" he called my name questioningly, staring at me like were the only two people here. Personally, I couldn’t ignore Rosalie’s quiet hissing so easily, but I tried my best.

"Don’t be stupid, Edward," I pleaded with him bluntly, biting my lip in sudden anxiety, my eyes widening a bit in my worry. " _Please_.”

He didn’t reply at first, but his eyes were abruptly riveted to Carlisle, who seemed to have shrunk further inward with his first son’s arrival. With a keen eye and, I was sure, an even keener mind, Edward roved over every nuance of his father’s dejection; the messy hair from constantly running his fingers through it, despondent features, closed eyes, hunched shoulders, tight mouth, and probably the depressing thoughts of just how selfish and foolish he was. Not to mention mine and Esme’s comforting holds on him.

Suddenly, Edward melted completely, slouching as much as a vampire ever consciously did. There was a certain softness in his eyes, which were already lightening to their normal, beautiful topaz. Jasper’s stance was mostly relaxed now and Alice was smiling. Actually, grinning like a kid on Christmas morning might be a more accurate description. Rosalie was ever wary, but inching steadily towards a relieved-looking Emmett as the situation diffused. Esme was beaming at Edward as brightly as Alice was. Edward gestured for her to allow him her seat and she was very willing to comply, kissing Carlisle’s cheek as she rose. Edward neared us slowly, smiling at me with love. I blushed from the strength of his gaze.

The only one who didn’t understand the change in atmosphere was Carlisle. Smiling myself, I tugged on his arm insistently, until he sighed and lifted his head. The moment he locked eyes with Edward, his dejection started to morph into hope. Edward appeared to rock back and forth very slightly, uncertain what to do. Carlisle was equally as frozen. I reached out my hand to draw Edward forward. He didn’t hesitate to flash forward and take my hand tightly in his own granite fingers, allowing me to see the utmost relief in his eyes. To say the least, I was stunned.

"Thank you," he whispered, turning again to his father.

"I…" Carlisle was speechless, mouth opening and closing uselessly. To whatever Carlisle was thinking, Edward grinned my favorite crooked smile. At that point, I was completely blindsided.

Things had to be returning to normal, because Edward laughed out loud all of sudden. Everyone was startled, but for a giggling Alice and heavily amused Carlisle.

"Breathe, love." Edward took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead sweetly as I took a shuddering breath in surprise. I didn’t realize I had stopped breathing. Vampires had that effect on me.

"Oops," I gasped noisily on my next inhale. He snorted along with Jasper at the understatement.

"Thank goodness _that’s_ over,” Alice interceded loudly, breaking through the cloud of tension and hesitation that still hovered over us all. “Can we go home now?”

Everyone laughed at that, including Carlisle. “Yes, we certainly can,” was Esme’s firm answer, accompanied by what might turn out to be a permanent smile soon enough. Rosalie flew off towards home instantly once the permission was given, Emmett trailing her quietly, very subdued. There was still something desperately wrong there and I became concerned that there was nothing I could do. Alice dragged Jasper and Esme off, too, although Esme took a bit more persuasion to leave Carlisle. That left the three of us sitting a bit awkwardly together.

"Carlisle…" Edward started, but had difficulty in getting out whatever he was attempting to say. He tried several times before finally, he sighed and said quietly, "I’m sorry… for what I said. None of it is true. I was taking everything out on you, all my frustrations with myself, every mistake I’ve made since September. I didn’t want to admit it was all my own fault. You didn’t deserve that. I am so sorry."

"I know, son," Carlisle, ever the forgiving, gentle father, laid his hand on Edward’s shoulder in immediate acceptance. "You’ve been pushing all of your feelings away and not dealing with them. Not just now, but for months. Honestly, I should have realized something like this might happen."

"That doesn’t make it right, Carlisle," Edward furrowed his brows deeply and I wanted to reach out and smooth away the crease in his forehead. So I did exactly that. My bronze-haired angel smiled at me for my efforts, grabbing my hand and laying a soft kiss onto the back of it.

"Perhaps not," Carlisle agreed, "but I forgive you all the same."

"You always do," Edward frowned. "You shouldn’t _always_ , but you do still.”

"I am… sorry?" Carlisle frowned as well, uncertain how to reply to that.

"You do _that_ a lot, too,” I joined in on the frowning, sighing irritably at his continued apologies.

Edward chuckled his agreement and Carlisle looked as though he would flush, were he human.

"Come on," Edward offered his hand and helped me stand.

I was waiting for him to help me up on his back for the run home, but he stood the same as me, waiting for something to happen. We stared for a moment at each other, my hand still within his grasp, until Carlisle finally broke our gaze.

"Edward?" he questioned in great amusement as he stood there, hands folded before him and stamping a smile down rather violently. "Will Bella have to _walk_ home?”

"Er, no," Edward frowned a little in confusion, throwing a brief glance between us. "I thought… technically this is still your weekend."

"Oh!" I realized with a start that Edward was giving Carlisle the chance to carry me. "Edward, that’s very nice, but I’m riding with you."

Carlisle realized what Edward had intended rapidly after that. He shook his head at his son. “Edward, really. As if Bella would refuse a chance to be with you.”

Edward looked as embarrassed as Carlisle had, but his smiled stretched wide as he helped me onto his back. It felt like home.

"One of these days, I’m going to become a human hot potato," I commented much more lightly than I felt, leaning forward to rest my chin on his shoulder. "Switching vampire backs is going to become a new sport or something."

"Who else have you been riding with?" Edward inquired, turning to look at me in his peripheral vision.

"Carlisle yesterday," I responded, "but you knew that. And Jasper tonight… er… this morning. Whatever."

“ _Jasper_ carried you here?” Edward was absolutely astounded.

"Yep," I bounced my head off of his shoulder in a semblance of a nod. It wasn’t very bouncy, actually, but that wasn’t really important.

"How did you manage that, exactly?" Carlisle’s curiosity was returned and I was glad for it, but his voice was incredibly shocked.

"I told him to," I answered in bewilderment. What were they expecting?

I wasn’t quite sure what exactly was so funny as to garner two chortling laughs from Carlisle and Edward before we headed home.

The trip back, with Edward comfortably matching Carlisle’s slightly slower pace, was completely silent up until the last minute, and I realized it was completely comfortable that way. Maybe Carlisle was carrying a one-sided conversation with Edward in his mind, but that was just normal. By the time I had thought of anything to say, we were walking through the front of the Cullens’ yard. Carlisle headed inside before us, met immediately by two welcoming arms that slid around his waist. In return, he smiled down at his wife and wrapped his own arms around her shoulders, laying his head atop hers. Esme smiled at Edward and me as she and her husband headed further inside.

"Bella, I’m sorry to go so quickly," Edward said quietly while helping me to stand on my own, "but I should talk with the others just now. They still aren’t quite sure if they should trust this to last."

"You should apologize," I told him with slight disapproval for his previous anger and also definite disappointment that he had to leave me so soon after arriving.

"Yes, I probably should," he sighed with a half-smile at my stipulation. "Don’t worry. I will."

"Good," I sighed with some relief and followed him into the living room. Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett were nowhere to be found. Carlisle and Esme were half out of sight, sitting at the end of the dining table, where Carlisle had played board games with me that morning – or rather, the previous morning, considering the clock was displaying twelve minutes past four a.m. Alice was leaning against one of the sofas, waiting for us.

Walking proved how tired I was and increased my clumsiness ridiculously. But I headed for the white couches instead of Edward’s bedroom, not wanting to sleep there without him.

"Bella—" Edward started to say something at seeing my sleepiness and change of direction, but cut himself off at Alice’s sharp shake of the head (or more likely at the thoughts she was thinking). "…Nevermind."

Pushing away my curiosity for once, I moved to sit on the sofa that still faced the television. Edward pulled a blanket down to wrap around my legs before Alice scooted to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with me. I basked in Edward’s gentle kisses before he disappeared with an apologetic, reluctant smile, leaving me to catch my breath.

"Movie?" Alice suggested, though her voice told me she knew the answer.

"Maybe," I shrugged vaguely.

"That’s a no, then," Alice pursed her lips contemplatively.

"Sorry," I sighed, letting my head fall to her shoulder with a little plunk. My dark brown waves, now thoroughly unhinged from their constraints after twice riding at high speed through the forest, fell like a waterfall over Alice’s granite shoulder. I could feel my eyelids getting heavier.

"Oh well." She shrugged daintily so as not to upset my head.

I felt bad when I thought about how bored she must be sometimes. Jasper loved her enough to do almost anything with her, but it wasn’t like he could sit through a romantic comedy and actually enjoy it. I was certain that I could, now that Edward was back in my life, but certainly not when I was quite this tired.

"Why don’t you try to rest?" Esme spoke up, startling me by her sudden appearance near the dining room entry, a sweet, happy smile on her face. "School starts fairly soon."

"Maybe you’re right," I yawned at last, then hunkered down on Alice like I had after she surprised me and Jacob over at Charlie’s house not too many weeks ago. In a few moments, I was out like a light on my icy best friend.

The next thing I knew, there was a set of low, murmuring voices. As the sleep cleared from my mind, I gradually began to recognize them by the tone of the voice itself. Alice I picked out first, her bell-like voice easy to isolate somewhere near to me. Carlisle was the next voice I heard, smooth and steady and a little further away, followed quickly by Jasper’s mild Texan drawl which seemed to be about the same distance.

And lastly, was the surprisingly gentle voice of Rosalie, right beside my head. “You can open your eyes now.”

I did so, startled to find Rosalie’s long golden waves mere inches from my nose. Her back was to the sofa, upon which I realized I was lying sideways. Lifting only my head, I was able to locate Alice holding my feet at the other end of the couch. About a foot in front of Rosalie, Carlisle and Jasper sat on the ground on either side of the coffee table, a half-played chess board settled between them.

"Good morning, Bella," Alice chirped, thankfully not as loudly as I was often accustomed, and smiled brightly at me from her end of the sofa. Carlisle echoed the sentiment distractedly while Jasper decided his next move.

"Morning," I repeated back, voice still a bit thick and sleepy sounding. I laid my head back down on the pillow that someone had put beneath me, feeling very comfortable. "What time is it?"

"A quarter past six," Alice informed me. I almost choked and tried to jump up and start getting ready. School awaited in about an hour and I still needed to shower, eat, brush my teeth, and change, not to mention actually getting there.

"You’re not dirty and you don’t smell, so stop panicking about shower time." Alice held my legs in place, not allowing me to get up. "You can take a shower when you get home later. And your outfit is already laid out."

Irritated as I was sure to be by her choice of outfit, I liked the general idea, so I literally fell back against the pillow with a relieved sigh. “I love your gift sometimes, Alice,” I confessed pleasantly for once.

"So do I," she giggled, patting my leg.

The next half-an-hour sped by faster than expected while I sat propped up on my elbow, watching over the top of Rosalie’s head as Carlisle and Jasper battled it out on the chess board at human speed. The two of them were evenly matched, as far as I could tell. Jasper was obviously not one to use his power to his advantage, or else I imagine Carlisle wouldn’t have played very well at all. As it was, he won.

It wasn’t until I looked away that I really wondered where Edward, Esme, and Emmett were. I wasn’t particularly worried about them, but I was a little bothered. I was upset that I’d fallen asleep without seeing him again. At least I had slept well, though.

"Where’s Edward?" I asked aloud as Carlisle and Jasper set up for another game, curiosity about Esme and Emmett also inherent in the question.

"He’s with Esme and Emmett," Alice answered both questions in one. "They went for a short run."

"A short run?" I inquired slowly, looking over at her with a raised brow.

"Edward needed to do a little extra apologizing," Rosalie explained bluntly. From the corner of my eye, I could see Carlisle tense and frown mid-way to setting down his bishop in the proper place. His blonde daughter didn’t seem to notice.

"Did he go off on somebody?" My voice was horrified and frustrated and angry all at once. My eyes went to the side of Carlisle’s recovered face as if to point out who I meant by ‘somebody.’

"No," Alice shook her head in the negative, her tone slightly reassuring and comforting. "Emmett was still very down. Edward feels pretty badly, since his attitude was part of the reason for that. Esme just wanted to spend a little more time with both of them."

"Good," I muttered to myself, pulling my body into a sitting position and dragging my sock-less feet off of her lap. Abstractedly, I noticed Alice was wearing a different outfit already – her top was something with varying colors and a lot of stylistic elements that made me shudder inside – as were the others. Jasper’s shirt was a simple pullover sweater, olive in color, paired with a new set of dark jeans. Carlisle was wearing a white button up with gray dress slacks and black shoes, in preparation for work no doubt. His gray and blue tie was lying on the arm of the other sofa.

"When do you have to be at work, Carlisle?" I asked him, changing the topic abruptly.

"At eight."

"Oh," I turned to pick nonexistent lint from my sleeve, which I blinked over for a minute before recognizing a new brown, silky pajama top with long sleeves. There were pants to match.

"Don’t be mad," Alice preempted my growing annoyance. "You looked so uncomfortable in the blouse and jeans. Besides, it covers."

I couldn’t argue with that fact and the pajamas were incredibly comfortable. Not that I liked it any better, but still. “Thanks,” I mumbled, barely audible to the human ear.

"You’re welcome," Alice beamed at me for cooperating so nicely, to which I rolled my eyes.

"Human moment," I stated out loud, bringing in a chuckle from Jasper and Carlisle, as I scooted to the middle of the couch so as not to disturb either Alice or Rosalie when I got up. Alice thankfully didn’t follow for any cosmetics sessions, but her excited face rose in my mind as I took in the outfit that had been left in the bathroom.

Jeans and plain black flats were apart of it, much to my liking. Unfortunately the indigo, silk chiffon blouse was more in line with Alice’s fashionista ideals, only it reached up to my neck. There was an inch-and-a-half wide, three-tier, black velvet-trimmed ruffle above the bust line and loose sleeves that fell to just above the elbow. A seam – along which the material was gathered – ran from underneath the ruffles down to the bottom of the blouse, which ended just below the hips with more black velvet trim.

With as much time as it took for me to decide to actually even pick the gaudy little thing up, I was surprised Alice was able to refrain from rushing upstairs and shoving the shirt onto me. With an irritable sigh, I pulled on the outfit anyway. My resistance was terribly low. I mourned its temporary loss. As I stepped back through Edward’s room to leave, something dark hanging on one of the honey-colored bedposts caught my eye. A favorite black, zip-up sweatshirt of mine was hanging overtop my own coat. Overjoyed at this revelation, I pulled on the sweatshirt – gratefully covering the ostentatious blouse Alice had laid out – and carried my coat over my left arm. Alice’s sympathy amazed me.

I wasn’t particularly hungry when I came back downstairs at four minutes past seven, but I decided to try and eat something anyway. Although my nerves would probably be too wired about interacting with Edward to allow reasonable digestion.

When I laid my coat across the back of the couch I’d slept on, incoherent grumbling reached my ears.

"That’s just rude," Alice finally said in a sulky voice, pouting and eyeing my black sweatshirt evilly at the same time. Clearly, she hadn’t been the one to lay it out. I suddenly felt very protective of my sweatshirt; thinking it might just have to travel with me everywhere for a while.

Alice went spacey for a moment, but returned with an even sulkier expression as she commented, “Darn you.”

Aha, so my protectiveness would be successful. “Score,” I muttered wryly to myself and continued into the kitchen, grinning openly at further huffing and puffing from Alice and the heavily muffled laughter of Jasper and Carlisle.

To my surprise, sitting out on the island countertop was a box of my favorite cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. My backpack, which had been mostly empty and disorganized on Friday, was on one of the stools, full of all I needed for classes today. Someone was looking out for me.

"Alice?"

"Edward laid out your sweatshirt and coat." She appeared beside me, much quieter and more serious than a few moments earlier. "After he saw what I was going to lay out for you, he stopped by your house and brought both back before the three of them left."

Edward’s thoughtfulness got me a bit choked up. He was so wonderful. He didn’t have to get those things for me, but he knew I would want to cover up Alice’s clothing choice. Plus, he got my coat so I wouldn’t be cold.

"This?" I pointed feebly at my breakfast and full, neatly-made backpack. It may have been easy to do, but the kind intention behind it was sweet. Edward’s involvement was implied in my gesture.

"Carlisle," she replied. "He and Esme wanted you to have as much sleep as possible after how long you were up earlier this morning, so he organized your backpack with all you needed and set out your breakfast while you were changing."

Another moment of emotion got a hold of me and my eyes watered. Between my boyfriend and my surrogate father, I was going to be sniffling and teary-eyed for the rest of my life. I just wanted to hug both Edward and Carlisle for what they’d done. Alice left me with my feelings and the carton of milk so I could eat my cereal, my thoughts stuck on how well I was taken care of by my vampires. As I put the bowl and spoon in the sink, my friend reappeared with my truck keys in hand and a messenger bag over her shoulder.

"I’ll ride with you, if you don’t mind," she suggested knowingly. "Jasper’s picking up Edward in the Volvo."

"Edward actually lets him drive it?" I tried to joke, but the truth was that I already missed Edward’s presence. I felt as lovesick as Carlisle had sounded the previous day.

"Rarely," she told me with a little understanding grin, but perked up as she said, "So can I ride with you?"

"Sure," I shrugged with a smile of acceptance, grabbing my backpack and heading through to the living room. Stopping to pull on my coat at the sofa, I was disappointed to find Carlisle had already left the room. With a little sigh, I followed Alice’s tugging out to my truck, getting into the driver’s side with anticipation of the day that awaited with Edward back in my life for another two weeks straight.

* * *

 


	10. Strange

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

I have no idea if there is a special ward in hospitals for terminal medical cases. I doubt it, but I’ll just let my fictional hospital to be somewhat different. Also, I don’t really know if anyone would send a thank you letter to the doctor of their family member, especially if that person died. But in cases where the outcome is assumed to end in death, I would guess that a doctor who took very good care of the deceased family member might be thanked for that effort.

I know that inEclipse, Bella said that she and Edward don’t speak of her zombie months, but I don’t feel that they could have moved on very well without airing out the emotions Bella felt during that time.

> **Chapter 10: Strange**

After living with the quietness of vampires for a full weekend, it was no surprise that the lion’s roar of my old Chevy scared the living daylights out of me when I turned the ignition. Even after driving it two days previous in order to get it back to the Cullens’ house, the truck’s noise hadn’t been any less of a shock today. Appropriate to my status as clumsiest person in the Olympic Peninsula, I jumped practically a foot off of my seat, slammed my hand against the door handle, and banged my knee on the steering wheel; the last being a move that elicited a loud “Ouch!” and was sure to earn a gigantic bruise to pain me throughout the day. Alice was laughing so hard that she didn’t even make any sound at all, but just sat there shaking and holding her lips so tightly together that a human’s would be blue by that point.

"Glad that I amuse you," I said through gritted teeth, glowering as I rubbed the sore spot on my hand and gingerly avoiding putting any pressure on the tender spot on my knee.

"I’m sorry," she gasped at last, turning to giggling and not looking a bit apologetic for her outburst. "But your face…"

That started her giggling all over again as she turned the radio on and tapped her foot to a song I didn’t recognize. I may have slammed on the accelerator a bit more forcefully than usual as we took off, but I couldn’t be bothered to notice; I was a little busy glaring out the windshield at the empty drive ahead of us.

"Oh, come on, Bella," she whined pleadingly to me, finally catching onto my bad mood. "I wasn’t trying to be mean. Emmett laughs at your klutzy balance all the time. You don’t go glaring at him for it every time he does."

"Emmett is… immovable." I grudgingly acknowledged that she deserved my reasoning, even if her choice of words regarding my clumsiness were rather derogatory. "What girls in the history of the world have ever been able to reign in their big brothers?"

"Rosalie and I, of course," she corrected my assumption with a roll of her eyes. "As if we’re going to let our brothers get away with whatever they want."

"You’re the exception, then," I muttered darkly to myself. If only I could get Emmett to listen to me.

"Thank you," she chirped with far too much excitement, returning to the familiar habit of bouncing in her seat.

Despite my best efforts, her energy rubbed off on me as we left the shelter of the turnoff to the Cullens’ house. I was smiling after another five minutes of driving while she prattled about how their weekend hunt had gone, outside of the incidents that had brought them all back to mine and Carlisle’s side. She carefully avoided the subject of our confrontation with the pack, for which I was very grateful. That night made me equally sad and angry whenever it came to mind. Sad for how the relationship with Jacob was going. Angry that he and the pack were so cruel to my vampires. Neither were things I needed to think on for very long.

"Ooh, Bella!" Alice squealed right in the middle of what she had just been saying, startling me into to glancing over at her. "Edward and Jazz will turn in front of us in ten seconds!"

The two of us were as excited as a couple of little schoolgirls just by the idea of coming up on our respective loves like this. Sure enough, the Volvo pulled in front of us a few seconds afterward, Jasper still at the wheel, and we giggled like mad.

"We’re so stupid," I got out once through my giggles, flushing and embarrassedly aware that Edward and Jasper could hear us quite well from the silver car, "and juvenile."

"That’s the whole point!" she told me gleefully, clapping her hands with joy. "Aren’t you having fun?"

To my happiness, I realized that I actually was. Sitting with my best friend on the way to school and giggling over the two boys we were crazy about. ‘Boys’ being a term that I used very loosely to apply to Edward and Jasper.

"Yeah," I admitted with a genuine smile, "I really am."

The school came into view not long after and we pulled into spots side by side, bringing my door up to the passenger side of the Volvo and subsequently to Edward. Cutting the engine and pulling out my key, I was surprised to find that we were a bit early.

Alice had to help me unbuckle my belt, since after seeing Edward’s glorious face, I was enjoyably disoriented from reality.

"Bella, you do actually have to get out, you know," Alice reminded me with a cheeky grin on her perky face and bounced out of the car while I shook myself out of dreamland.

Edward opened my door for me, that crooked grin on his face, and the effort of facing reality was promptly lost with a scarlet blush as I jumped the brief distance to the ground beside him. Immediately, he buried his nose in my hair and drew me into a close embrace that I relished in spite of the students all around us in the parking lot.

"Hey," I murmured into his chest with a tiny smile, fingering the buttons on his dark gray shirt absentmindedly. An icy finger pulled my face up, lifting me gladly to Edward’s smooth lips for a prolonged kiss that sent me careening into a thick daze. My breath was impossibly short by the time he pulled away, making him grin as usual before he pulled back.

"Hey," was his quiet, anticlimactic response. He closed the driver’s side door and gently pulled us toward the end of the truck where Alice and Jasper waited patiently, her arms around his ribs and his reaching down over her arms and around her waist.

"Still having fun, I see," Alice teased with a mischievous grin as we headed into the building. Jasper smirked, as I was certain Edward did, though I couldn’t see his face.

"That’s the whole point," I mockingly echoed her earlier statement, but blushed for the tenth time in as many minutes. A coughing laugh from Edward and Jasper harmonized with the bell-like giggle of Alice.

"We’ll be late," Edward recovered enough to say, towing me away from his siblings and to our first class.

The next few hours were spent in relative emotional isolation, my focus completely on Edward, sitting knee-to-knee with me in almost every class. Any question that was directed my way by our teachers was easily saved by Edward, who whispered the answer for me any time I lost focus. Which was every time. The one class he didn’t have with me, I was bored and annoyed.

Lunch was a tidy little affair. Alice, Jasper, Edward and me always shared the table where all five of the Cullen siblings had sat the previous school year. We had yet to integrate with my other friends; I wasn’t bothered. Angela and Ben were nice to hang out with, but no one else had any real pull for me.

"Hi, Bella," Alice smiled at me as she and Jasper joined us in the line. Her husband only nodded, his neck very tight, obviously having a bit of difficulty reigning in either his powers or his bloodlust. Which it was, I couldn’t be sure, until I noticed that his eyes were still a bright golden-brown. Powers, then.

"Hey, guys." I smiled back, allowing Edward to fill ‘our’ tray with the things he knew I liked best. "Bored much?"

"Not with you two around," she giggled quietly, making Jasper smile just slightly. He loved to see her happy.

I scowled at her remark, offended by the insinuation that Edward and I looked in any way funny. Besides, she shouldn’t be watching us for her own entertainment. Nosy vampire.

"Don’t you have anything better to do?" I asked her glumly.

"Giggling little freak." Edward accused quietly as we headed to our table, but his voice was so affectionate that I knew he wasn’t mad at her. What a traitor he was.

Alice laughed loudly, startling all the students within a ten-foot radius of us. Angela smiled and waved from her place with Ben, her face clearly amused with the pixie vampire’s outburst. Alice energetically waved back, followed by the much subtler waves of Edward and me.

An apple was my first choice at eating once we were seated, but frankly I was more interested in the three Cullens at my table as they spoke at vampire speed about who knows what. Sometimes they would talk so I could follow, but often since their return, I merely sat quietly leaning against Edward and nibbling on whatever was on my tray. It was comforting just basking in their presence.

Not for the first time, I noticed their largely inactive attitudes and wondered why they didn’t at least try doing some sort of activity. If food wasn’t the only thing at their table, the fact that they did not eat might go by with less notice. Then again, as I thought back to that first day I saw them in the cafeteria, I realized that even with other things cluttering the table I would have still paid attention to their uneaten lunches. But with others, it might be helpful.

"Haven’t you ever thought of carrying a hobby to lunch?" I inquired very quietly during what I was mostly positive was a lull in their conversation, making sure I wasn’t overheard by any of my fellow human students.

"Why?" Edward looked at me curiously.

"To try and detract from the fact that you never eat."

"Oh." His brows furrowed, as did Jasper’s, and I knew I’d hit on something. Alice looked contemplative for a moment.

"Why have we never thought of that before?" she asked her brother and husband irritably. "How could that not come to mind? It makes so much sense."

"I don’t know," Edward’s features displayed overt amusement. "That’s a pretty good question."

"I guess, like a lot of things," Jasper intervened thoughtfully, though if I wasn’t mistaken there was humor there, too. "We just needed Bella’s perspective."

"Oh, please," I tried to divert the attention they were focusing on me now; It was making me red-faced. "You could have thought of that yourselves."

"What Jasper said is probably quite true, actually," Edward smiled at me almost proudly, though his words were cautiously quiet. "You usually do give us a sense of perspective that we lack on human life."

I wasn’t certain what to say to that, so I didn’t speak at all. Edward squeezed my hand reassuringly and I settled to wait out the last twenty-five minutes of lunch. In the ensuing silence, my mind traveled to the early hours of this morning and how the most worrying of circumstances had changed in an instant.

One thing stood out in my memory as especially troubling, though. Carlisle’s eyes had been darkened not long after I awoke from my nightmare. Then, in the clearing, when he’d stared directly in my eyes, his own had been nearly half black. Remembering his face when I’d watched him play chess with Jasper, I worriedly realized that the coloring had not changed. In fact, it may have gotten a touch worse. My hunger evaporated while my worry took hold.

"Edward," I murmured very low, bringing his attention away from whatever Alice and Jasper were thinking at him. "Can we go sit outside until next period?"

"Are you all right?" he asked, his concern for me taking precedence over his conversation with his siblings. Honestly, though, Alice and Jasper were just as concerned looking.

"I’m fine, really," I answered, but I supposed my lack of appetite didn’t help my case.

"Okay," he accepted tentatively. "If you’re sure."

"Please?" I pleaded quietly. "I just want to be able to talk a little more freely."

"Ah," Edward looked at me with sudden understanding, his brow easing back into smooth marble. "Of course."

"Can we come, too?" Alice questioned.

"I’d like you to," I told her and she perked up with a smile as we rose to leave, dumping our three trays as we went past the doors.

It was nice outside, not too ridiculously cold and surprisingly not wet. The four of us settled ourselves on the grass, far enough from the building that no one would hear what we said. It was only we four outside, not unusual for this time of day. Edward immediately pulled me sideways into his arms and I easily leaned my right shoulder against his chest. Right beside us, Alice and Jasper mimicked our posture; a mirror image with Alice’s left shoulder against her husband’s chest. Jasper’s left knee was a mere three inches or so from Edward’s right knee. Edward’s siblings looked to me in curiosity for my unusual request.

"What are you thinking?" Edward inquired the age-old question between us, making me smile a bit in spite of my worries. His lips curled into an answering smile.

"Is Carlisle all right now?" I finally put the question to him, the smile slipping from my face.

"What do you mean?" he murmured back, looking confused.

"Well, it’s his eyes," I continued. "After I woke up from my dream, they weren’t that pure golden color like after he hunted on Saturday. They were darkened."

"Are you sure?" Jasper entered the conversation, brows slightly furrowed. "I didn’t notice that when I was in his office."

"They were," I insisted forcefully. I knew what I had seen. "I noticed it when he came to say the others would be back in a few hours. By the time we all met in that clearing, his eyes were almost half black. And I think they may have been a tiny bit darker this morning, even."

"Did you notice what color they were before you saw the painting?" Alice questioned with some worry. Edward and Jasper shard her sentiment.

"I’m certain they were pure gold," I told them confidently.

"I don’t like that," Edward frowned and I held his hand comfortingly. "Carlisle must have been very strongly affected by your dream. From his thoughts, I would never have realized it."

"He’s been blocking your ability the longest," Jasper threw in. "Would it be so difficult for him to redirect his thinking?"

"No, that would be entirely plausible," Edward admitted, "but why would he do that?"

"To protect you," I added in a near-whisper. Carlisle would undoubtedly have wanted to minimize any thoughts that might hurt Edward more than he already was early this morning.

Edward stiffened and his eyes grew tight. The expression on his face was slightly pained.

"Yes, he would do that." Alice’s voice was soft, but firm in her conviction.

"But why would his eyes change color so soon after hunting?" I asked. "And then stay that way for this many hours?"

"It’s easier for Carlisle’s thirst to be satisfied than it is for the rest of us." Edward explained quietly. "But that satisfaction doesn’t last as long. Particularly when he faces any powerful emotional upset."

A guilty expression crossed Edward’s beautiful face that I regretfully admitted was partially justified. His behavior on the phone in the wee hours of this morning had been very detrimental to Carlisle’s emotions.

"You were pretty upset yourself, you know," I gently nudged him with my shoulder, hoping to convey that I wasn’t going to let him wallow like this any longer. He quirked a little smile, but he hadn’t stopped guilt-tripping himself yet.

"That doesn’t make it right…" he repeated what he had told Carlisle last night. That was very true, but the three of us didn’t tell Edward that. I hoped Alice and Jasper had been able to keep their thoughts as much in line as their words.

"I’m not even sure if this situation is the only thing that’s troubling him up," Edward went on. "But he’s been very composed since September. At least, he was whenever I was there."

"He really was," Jasper agreed, looking disturbed. "Even when you were gone. Too much composed, now that I think on it."

"Yes," Edward was grimly pleased that they agreed. His focus shifted to Alice then, hesitation and surprise plain on his features. "What was that, Alice?"

"It’s nothing." Her face was supremely uncomfortable.

"Alice…" Edward started again, his face growing more and more determined. I thought he must be trying to break through whatever walls Alice was putting up. Her almost-thought must have been serious for him to work this hard.

"How did he seem to you this weekend, Bella?" Jasper asked me quietly, obviously sensing that the internal debate between Edward and Alice would last a while longer.

"The same Carlisle as ever," I answered surely and turned to look at him, deciding it would be useless to keep staring at my boyfriend and his sister. Their faces weren’t giving anything away. "He seemed pretty normal."

"How did he behave that made you find him normal?" Jasper seemed a little amused by that.

"Kind, honest, open, thoughtful, compassionate," I started by just listing the most obvious traits of Carlisle’s personality. "Curious and inquisitive, of course. Patient, but energetic. Very generous and helpful. Kind of talkative. And attentive to what I needed."

My description seemed to spark something in Alice’s steely expression. It was like she had decided that she might give way, but still held onto some reserve of determination. In the end, the bell rang and Alice never gave in. I was frustrated, as Jasper appeared to be, that nothing was resolved for we, the outsiders to this little discussion. We waited a couple of minutes for the two of them to snap out of it and go to class with us, but nothing happened. Edward and Alice didn’t move, though it was obvious we were already going to be late for class.

"Edward, we’ll be late," I told him uselessly, for he stayed right where he was.

"We can fix it later, I suppose," Jasper muttered to himself. I wasn’t sure what he meant.

"What can we fix?" I asked him. "What do you mean?"

He sighed in resignation as he explained ever quieter, “We’re able to get into the school’s records. Hacking. We sometimes have to do that in order to keep a low profile. We’d be able to fix it so that our attendance for class today is perfect, even if we miss the next couple of periods.”

That made sense, despite what my law-abiding mind told me. “Well, I’ve already been apart of grand theft auto. Why not hacking, too?”

Jasper truly chuckled at that. “Yes, I guess you’re right.”

"Let’s go," Alice said suddenly, though still quietly, and pulled Jasper with her as she stood. "No one will see us if we go now."

Nobody questioned. I wanted to know what was going on, even if it meant ditching and then hacking into the school system to fix it later. Edward helped me up distractedly, his eyes still on Alice and the extensive defenses that she was keeping up. We all headed to the Volvo in silence, not a soul crossing our paths. I knew my truck was a bad idea, since it would certainly garner attention with the engine’s volume.

"Jasper, would you drive?" Edward asked absently, tossing the keys to his blond-haired brother without looking at him. If Edward was that distracted by what Alice had nearly thought about, then I was worried.

Jasper frowned deeply, but accepted the commission without complaint. Alice and Edward both slid into the back, the former sighing in resignation that Edward was going to continue trying to read her thoughts. I almost followed them in the back, but I thought Jasper might appreciate either some company or some distraction from the emotions that could be running rampant in his brother and wife. Edward spared me a curious glance from inside the car, but I smiled at him in reassurance. He nodded as I opened the front passenger door and slipped in.

The ride to wherever we were going – I guessed the Cullens’ house – was very quiet. Some words passed between Jasper and me, but the blond vampire was too affected to keep much of a conversation. Every time I looked back at Edward, his face looked steadily more frustrated. The look reminded me of the first time he’d tried to get inside my head.

"Stop at Bella’s house," Alice instructed abruptly and I swung back to look at her in confusion matched only by Edward’s bewilderment. Jasper was equally as bemused, but he trusted Alice implicitly. Not that I didn’t, but I tended to question her about it, like I was about to now.

"Why my house?"

"We need a place to talk away from the others," she explained, reaching forward to grab my hand comfortingly. "I’ve already checked and no one will see us. Charlie won’t find out that you’ve missed school."

"Okay," I agreed hesitantly.

"What are we talking about that’s so secretive from the rest of the family?" Edward asked her, eyes narrowed with his frustration that she was so efficiently blocking her mind. He didn’t have any more idea than the rest of us what was going on.

"Carlisle," Alice grimly replied.

"Why just us?" I felt I should ask. If Carlisle was the subject, shouldn’t his wife be involved? "What about Esme?"

"Esme is too emotional," Jasper answered instantly, and I glanced back at him. "If it’s about Carlisle, she’ll become too sensitive to discuss it rationally."

"Yes, that’s true," Edward confirmed it for me, but still he threw an irritated glance at Alice for her mental silence.

"Okay, what about Emmett?" I asked.

"Emmett is…" Alice tried to explain, but sighed deeply at her loss of words. Edward did seem to understand this part of the conversation. He looked sad.

"He’s feeling badly enough," Jasper took over for his wife, "without getting involved in Carlisle’s emotional state."

"Rosalie?" I reluctantly voiced the last name. I didn’t necessarily want her to be there, but surely she would be both rational enough and patient enough to be apart of this talk.

"No," Alice said roughly, startling me with the ferocity of her voice. Her next words barely came through her clenched teeth. "She wouldn’t be… helpful."

A growl emanated from deep in her chest. I was incredibly confused by this reaction. Edward’s raised brow echoed my feelings exactly.

"Why?" I asked, or rather demanded.

"Just trust me, Bella," my friend pleaded sternly. "Rosalie would do us no good."

"Fine, then," I caved. But I would find out what she wasn’t telling us. One way or another.

We hurried out of the car once we reached Charlie’s house, all except Jasper.

"He’ll come back," Edward assured me when I followed him curiously with my eyes as he reversed. "He’s going to park at the school and then he’ll run back."

With that, we entered the house that Alice had already unlocked. Trust her to know where we kept the key.

"My room or what?"

"No, here is better," Alice said. "Easier escape into the woods, in case we don’t finish by the time Charlie’s home."

"Oh, yeah," I agreed. "Good idea… Plus it might be easier on Jasper if he has a little more space from my scent."

"That’s very thoughtful, Bella," Edward smiled at me. "You’re room _was_ a little restricting sometimes.”

"It’s not now?"

"No." His answer was simple and apparently completely honest, as was his smile.

"Okay," I doubtfully let it go and went to sit on the couch, dropping my backpack by the side. Edward flashed in and out of my sight, towards the couch, up the stairs, and back to the couch, before I realized he’d put my backpack upstairs in my room.

"I could have done that." I blushed pink.

"What? And miss that lovely flush to your cheeks?" He smirked at me smugly and I rolled my eyes while blushing darker.

"Sorry," he sighed amusedly, and took a seat with me on the sofa, wrapping me under his arm. My head fell to his shoulder with ease. Not a moment later, Jasper walked through the door and Alice popped up to allow him to slide beneath her in the recliner.

"What exactly are we discussing about Carlisle?" Jasper asked before I could. "You’re explanations haven’t told us anything."

"There’s a lot to say," Alice began. "Bella, you’ve pointed out a problem that I don’t believe Carlisle has actually dealt with. It’s something that I only guessed at, back in September."

Unconsciously, I stiffened at the mention of that time in our lives. Edward noticed of course, and tightened his arms around me.

"I’m sorry, love," he murmured against my hair.

"I’ll be okay." I swallowed hard, forcing myself not to wallow in memories. Calm that I wasn’t feeling crept through me and I half-smiled at Jasper with gratitude. It must have taken a lot for him to let go of his feelings of guilt and calm me.

"For a while after we left Forks," Alice started again, "Carlisle didn’t seem so wholly different from how he normally is. Later, though, it became obvious that he wasn’t quite right. When you were describing how Carlisle is normally, it made even more sense to me."

She took a deep breath before speaking again, grasping Jasper’s hand for support. “We arrived in Denali on the fourteenth, to regroup and pick our next move. Carlisle was his normal self, in charge and calmly planning our options. The next three days, I went on an extended hunting trip with Jasper. Edward had already left to hunt Victoria when we came back.”

"You were gone when he left?" I asked incredulously. Edward squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, but he was unable to speak before Alice did.

"I was very angry," she admitted grudgingly, some small amount of guilt crossing her features. "I wanted him to know how wrong I felt his decision was."

My jaw dropped in shock. That was more important to her? Her temper tantrum? Fury clawed its way up my spine.

"Jasper," Edward said warningly, but his brother didn’t listen. My immediate anger was somewhat repressed, thought not entirely. Calm that I didn’t want was flooding me. That made me even angrier, contrary to Jasper’s intent. He really should have listened to Edward’s warning; he looked a little shocked by the resistance I was putting up.

"Don’t, Jazz," Alice told him quietly before I could say anything. "She needs to say it."

Jasper sighed, but the anger came back to me and the unnatural calm left. Edward’s formerly tense body relaxed a bit. Apparently he wasn’t any happier about manipulating my emotions at the moment than I was.

"He was going off to hunt _Victoria_ ,” I spat the name out, with anger now rather than the normal fear, “and you decided that throwing a tantrum was a better plan than seeing him off? What if he’d d- _died_?”

"I would have seen it." Alice shook her head of spiky black hair in disagreement.

"You saw me jump that cliff, but if I’d really been trying to kill myself, you would have been too late to save me. What if that had happened with Edward?"

Guilt hit me moments after my accusations flew; the anger fled my system. What was I doing? Edward wasn’t dead, I wasn’t dead. I didn’t need to go shouting at Alice for something she couldn’t change.

"I…" my best friend was speechless for once. My words must not have been what she had originally seen. I wondered briefly if Jasper’s interference had changed the outcome of her vision.

"Ugh," I spewed inarticulately, frustrated by my behavior and the entire situation. But of course I couldn’t stay mad at her. It was all in the past, anyway. "I’m sorry, Alice."

"It’s okay," she perked up at our reconciliation very quickly. Jasper looked relieved himself.

"What happened after that?" I brought the conversation back into focus.

"The six of us flew to Ithaca the next day," Alice continued to tell the tale, tension slipping back into her posture. "I wasn’t paying as much attention as I normally would, because I was worrying about Jasper."

Jasper looked upset with himself, but Alice squeezed his hand and he calmed somewhat.

"Carlisle was very quiet," she continued, "but I didn’t look much into it. We were all out of sorts, so it just seemed normal at the time. But the longer we stayed there, the more wrong everything seemed. He and Esme weren’t very close for a while. There was a distance there."

"Why?" I asked, surprised. Carlisle and Esme were so much in love that it was hard to picture them not being together whenever they could.

"They felt differently about the move," Alice sighed heavily. "Esme was terribly disappointed that Carlisle agreed to Edward’s decision. She hid it well at first, but after Carlisle planned the move to Ithaca it really bothered her. Denali wouldn’t be permanent, but Ithaca could have been. She didn’t speak to Carlisle for two weeks after we settled in."

"Two weeks?" Could shock become a permanent fixture on a person’s face? Edward was equally as stunned by this news, still as a statue beside me. Apparently there were some things he hadn’t heard about those months during his absence. Even in others’ thoughts.

"Carlisle was so busy then," Alice move forward with understanding, "that it took that whole two-week period for him to really notice the difference. When he finally realized it, he tried to talk to her, but they argued again and—"

"They argued?" Edward took over my startled lines, interrupting his sister. His expression said that he was beyond comprehension, "Actually _argued_? Carlisle and Esme?”

"Well, to be fair," Jasper interrupted thoughtfully, "Esme was the one with the temper. Carlisle wasn’t feeling angry at all. He didn’t even raise his voice to her."

"So like Carlisle," I said knowingly.

"Definitely like him," Edward threw in. His voice was rough with emotion. It was almost funny, but now I wondered what _he_ was thinking.

"Well, I’m not so sure he _wouldn’t_ have raised his voice to her.” Alice tapped her chin in thought, ignoring Edward’s glare. “He could have been angry… if he’d been feeling anything at all.”

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Edward growled at her.

"I think he was just numb," she went on heedlessly, unaffected by his anger. "Nothing seemed to penetrate his emotions. Even Esme’s anger didn’t have any momentous effect."

"Alice, explain." Edward didn’t sound angry anymore. In fact, he seemed a little afraid for reasons I couldn’t understand.

"I don’t know that I can," she started, then quickly raised her hands defensively as Edward began to growl. "I’m not the mind-reader, Edward. I couldn’t know what he was thinking at the time."

A huff of frustration escaped Edward. “Sorry, Alice.”

"Carlisle was already lecturing at Cornell in addition to hospital work," Alice added, somewhat hesitantly. "But he started spending even _more_ time at the hospital. Of course, thanks to that, he encountered many more patients than usual. Many more that died, mostly.”

"He was working with the terminal cases?" Edward froze in place. The importance he placed on this fact had me bewildered once again.

"Yes," Alice had a hard time going on. Uncharacteristically, she bit her lip with anxiety. "We didn’t know it until sometime in February."

"How could you not know for that long?" Edward scoffed, thankfully coming out of his momentarily frozen state.

"The family wasn’t really together until about a week before I came to see Bella," Alice admitted sadly.

"That long?" Edward gasped slightly, "What… Why?"

"Rosalie was angry about uprooting," Jasper replied, obviously knowing better than anyone just how strongly she had felt. "So she traveled…"

"And, of course, when she left, Emmett went with her." Edward completed the unspoken part, some anger in his eyes and stance.

"Of course," Alice nodded in confirmation, eyes hard as steel.

"And you were?" I asked, leveling a mild glower at Alice and Jasper.

"I was researching my family," Alice confessed very quietly, to which I halted my new irritation with her. "Most of it was out of state, since I couldn’t find many actual records online or in the library in Ithaca. And without me, Jasper just sort of… stayed isolated. It’s actually only luck that I was with them when we found out about Carlisle working with the terminal cases."

"How did you find out?" Edward questioned her.

"A letter of thanks came from the family of one of his deceased patients," Alice answered sadly. "Esme was the one who opened it. She finally realized that something was really wrong."

"Wait," I interceded timidly, hardly daring to believe what I had pieced together. "Esme still wasn’t speaking to Carlisle after all those months?"

"Er… she was," Jasper put in uncomfortably, "on the rare occasion they spent any time alone together. But he just wasn’t there, emotionally. Plus, he worked so much. And with the terminally-ill, even."

"I’m confused," I ventured, worried at what answers might be given to my next question. "What’s so important about Carlisle working with terminal cases?"

"It’s rather a long story," Edward sighed deeply, closing his eyes tightly against some hurtful thing that I couldn’t see. "To make it short, Carlisle is probably at his worst when he is working with terminally-ill patients. He… has this tendency… to purposefully work nearer to death when he’s feeling especially disheartened. Even now, I still can’t figure out why. None of us have ever been able to."

This answer was precisely what I’d feared hearing. Yet somehow, as strange as it made me seem, in my twisted rationality it made sense. To work closer to death meant that Carlisle was fighting for something he couldn’t have; in the cases of his patients, that would mean their well-being, their lives. I understood that motivation all too well. I knew what it was like to fight for something you thought you would never have. In the blink of an eye, memories of the darkest time of my life flooded through me for the first time in weeks. Really, truly, made their appearance know in ways that had previously not occurred to me. I cringed sharply as the pain washed over me, even as dulled as it was now that Edward was returned to me forever.

"Bella?" Edward’s anxious voice penetrated my thoughts and I knew I had been lost in memory far too long. The cold of his body beside me and his hands on my face were some of the greatest balms I could ask for.

"I’m okay," I lied. Not a complete lie, but enough of one that Edward probably wasn’t fooled. "It’s just…"

"What is it?" he murmured, fanning his chilled breath across my face while his topaz eyes held me captive. Relief poured over me again to know he was here in my arms.

"I think I understand him," I whispered back, terrified to speak all that was on my mind, to let Edward know how deeply he had broken me all those months ago. Because as much as I loved him and knew he was thinking of only me in his choice, it was the truth. He _had_ broken me. Yes, he had been the one who put me back together, but really only he _could_ do that. The place that belonged to him in my heart, the same place which he had broken, was locked away so that only Edward could ever reach it anyway.

"Bella, what on earth are you talking about?" Edward questioned. Fear distorted his perfect, angelic features. He glanced at Alice worriedly, but her face was smooth, motionless. He turned back to me, slight frustration underlying the nearing panic; Alice was still blocking him. That meant he wouldn’t be able to see what I intended to say. I was relieved somewhat. At least he couldn’t cut me off before I finished. Some weird sense of confidence filled me.

"I think… when Carlisle’s really down, really depressed…" I slowly began to explain, pulling my eyes away from Edward’s still-frightened gaze so I could actually carry on, "he needs to feel like he’s fighting it. But you can’t fight a feeling. Not really. So instead, he fights what he knows how to fight; sickness and disease. And he’ll fight the hardest in the cases of the terminally-ill. People always fight harder for the lost causes. I don’t think he realizes that’s what he’s doing. It’s probably a subconscious thing."

Edward looked strangely relaxed as I finished my explanation. There wasn’t even a hint of the anxiety there had been at the beginning. Confusion was my most prevalent emotion.

"Are you all right?" I dubiously asked him.

"Fine," he half-smiled at me. My confusion went up a notch.

"Now," Jasper muttered, low enough that he probably hadn’t meant me to hear. My ears weren’t as insensitive as he thought.

"Just now?" I asked, eyeing Jasper so that they knew I heard him.

Edward sighed in annoyance at his brother, sending him a withering gaze. “Well, at first I thought you meant something else. That you could understand Carlisle’s feelings on this because you felt the same. I should have realized you were only using your unparalleled perceptiveness.”

He was so earnest, so proud of me. How could I tell him the truth? Could I break that sweet little bit of pride that he held in my mental faculties? It seemed an impossibly daunting task; like fighting the waves after I had jumped from the cliff in La Push. After a long moment of decision, I decided I could not do that to Edward. I loved him too much to go stabbing him with the knife of his own choice. But I stared just a moment too long, just a tad too incomprehensively, just a sliver too sadly. His pleasant expression dropped in an instant. There was no way I could keep it from him now.

"Bella." Edward’s voice was deceptively even and steady. The pain would be there soon enough, I thought miserably. From the corner of my eye, I just barely took notice of the fact that Jasper and Alice were determinedly looking away from us.

"I’m sorry," I pleaded with him to understand how reluctant I was to divulge this to him. "I didn’t want to tell you this. I don’t want to hurt you."

"You feel the same," he whispered and his voice was barely steady anymore. Agony filled his topaz eyes.

"Not now," I murmured, agonizingly quiet. "When you left… I was hurt and… depressed. I had to fight the hurt and depression off or else I couldn’t survive. But like I said, you can’t fight a feeling."

Edward’s face carried that awful expression again… like he was burning alive, as he had the night of the vote. As he would, I suspected, whenever he thought he was causing me any kind of pain, no matter how small. I reached up to soothe his creased forehead with both of my thumbs, but it was ineffective against his granite skin.

"I couldn’t fight the hurt," I whispered now, somehow afraid that anything louder would break him, "Instead, I fought the idea that you didn’t love me. If you were never coming back, then it was a lost cause, but that meant that I would fight all the harder for it. That’s why I did reckless things to hear your voice. That’s why I never moved on with anyone else. Because I knew, deep down, that you really did love me. But I didn’t realize that’s actually what I was fighting for. I couldn’t admit it to myself when I was hurting so much without you… I really think I do understand why Carlisle works with the lost causes. I’ve fought for one myself. The only difference is that my cause was found again."

Every emotion under the sun crossed Edward’s face during the second part of my explanation. I was sure that my own features hadn’t been very far behind. Softly I drew my hands over every inch of his beautiful face and down around the nape of his neck, hoping beyond hope that I could comfort him.

"I love you." I pulled his nearly immovable marble face down to mine, pressing my lips to his. My kiss was filled with every ounce of the devotion I had in me; I tried to say that everything’s all right now. The world’s not dark anymore. For a moment, he was unresponsive, still lost in a haze of pain. Cold, hard lips stood immobile against my soft, warm human ones.

When I wrapped my arms around his neck, that changed as quickly as only a vampire could make it happen. In my mind, I hardly even processed the sudden, tight embrace; I was far too focused on the pressure and movement of his mouth. My heart raced ahead of my thoughts and breath seemed all too trivial. He pulled away too soon, as always, settling his forehead against mine while I calmed my breathing.

"I _do_ love you,” he insisted vehemently, his voice like rough velvet, eyes intense enough to drown in.

"I know," I cooed quietly, placing another brief kiss on his mouth. "I always did."

Like the sun breaking through the clouds, Edward’s crooked grin spread across his radiant face.

"That’s what I wanted to see," I smiled happily at him. "Now, come on. We’ve got to help Carlisle, don’t we?"

He barked a laugh at my abrupt determination. “Yes, we do.”

"Thank goodness," Alice sighed, making her presence known again. "I’ve been waiting for something to explode eventually, but this was probably the easiest way I could have imagined."

"You saw this beforehand?" I turned to her with wide eyes, frustration simmering beneath the surface.

"No," she rolled her eyes at me. "I just knew that one way or another, you two would have to talk about this a little more."

"So we really do need to talk about Carlisle, right?" I needed to ensure that fact.

"Yes, of course, Bella," she sighed loudly, crossing her arms petulantly. "Why in the heck would I suggest coming here, to your house, with me and Jasper, so you and Edward could talk about that? I could have set the idea in your head anytime, preferably for when you were alone."

"I have no idea," I threw my hands in the air irritably. "With you, a person never knows what you’re planning and what you’re _really_ planning.”

"That’s an amazing distinction." She eyed me speculatively and Jasper attempted to stifle a snicker.

"I learned it from Edward," I muttered. His corresponding laughter was music to my ears.

* * *

 


	11. Stealthy

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 11: Stealthy**

When I awoke in the morning, it was to find a beautiful young god smiling at me in absolute love and gentility, topaz eyes shimmering like the ocean on a bright sunny day. Swimming in those depths was a fathomless devotion that nearly took my breath away. This was a completely different way of dazzling. Edward captured me, not by mere beauty, but by the sheer intensity of his feelings, shining from his eyes as they were. It took a moment before the lack of oxygen even registered in my brain.

"Morning," I gasped quietly, sucking in a gulp of the air around me, which was saturated with his scent.

"Good morning, love," he murmured with an amused little smile, obviously holding back a full smirk until I was awake enough to respond to it more clearly. "You seem to have slept well."

"Uh oh," I whispered, nerves colliding in my stomach, "What did I say this time?"

"Not much. I mean, a few things, but…" Edward’s face dropped slightly and I almost felt sorry for him. Then I remembered that it was my dreams he was listening to. Ugh. "You mentioned Carlisle, Renee, and me. A couple other tiny things. And something about… Esme."

His face took a turn for the dark. Clearly, I’d said something in my sleep about Esme or her past that wasn’t pleasant. I flushed, caught red-handed with knowledge he probably didn’t want me to know. He wasn’t supposed to know about those conversations with Carlisle. Not this much, anyway. He wouldn’t be happy to find out what dark subjects had passed between his father and I this weekend.

"Oh." I didn’t say anything more. No reason to keep him asking questions that I didn’t want to answer.

Of course, Edward being Edward, he just ignored my attempt at secrecy. “Would you like to tell me how you know so much about Esme’s human past?”

I took a deep breath to calm myself. “I don’t know much of anything about it, actually.”

That was a lie, I supposed, but technically I _didn’t_ know much about her human past. A total of twenty-six years were lost on me. I only knew a few facts from very select periods in Esme’s life. Most of her human history was unknown to me.

"Hm," Edward pursed his lips in dubious thought a moment before finally speaking again. "So, you finally asked about Carlisle’s scarves?"

"Huh?" The change of topic thoroughly confused me. Why were we suddenly talking about Carlisle’s scarves? And if Alice and Carlisle both blocked their thoughts, how could Edward know? He obviously couldn’t have picked it out of my head. All I did know was that Edward had to have something up his sleeve with this. I just wasn’t certain where he could take it.

"You did talk about his scarves, didn’t you?" he pressed almost too casually, now looking at my hands again, which I had unconsciously fisted in his shirt. Stupid nerves were getting the better of me. They loosened up minutely, causing Edward further suspicion, unfortunately.

"What do scarves have to do with anything?" I asked exasperatedly, not exactly answering the question. If his narrowed eyes proved anything, my vampire boyfriend wasn’t buying it. Great.

"You talked about it in your sleep," he accused bluntly now. No more hiding would be allowed, it seemed.

"My curiosity got the better of me," I confessed with a sigh of resignation. "So I asked him about them."

"I see," he said simply, leaving me wondering what he was thinking about. Silence filled our tense morning embrace for a number of minutes, until at last I could take it no longer.

"What’s wrong?" I blurted out. Edward looked up with the realization that he was caught, rapidly recognizing the knowing look on my features.

"It’s nothing," he muttered quietly, looking down at my hands where they lay on his chest, just as twisted in his shirt as they had been before.

"It’s obviously something," I countered in annoyance, "or you wouldn’t be hiding it from me."

A heavy sigh escaped his lips in response to that. “It’s just that… I wonder about something.”

"What would that ‘something’ be?" I inquired in a gentler tone.

"Carlisle said he told you about my _independent_ years.” The disgust with which Edward said the word ‘independent’ surprised me. He obviously disagreed with the term when applied to his rebellious phase. Despite feeling like I should say something, nothing would come out of my mouth. It was like my vocal chords were stuck.

"I guess that answers my question," Edward sighed heavily, sitting up and running a hand through his already-messy bronze locks in agitation. My hands fell to the bed limply; I had more important things on my mind now.

"Don’t be mad at him, please, Edward." Finally my mouth came unstuck. "I asked outright. What was he supposed to do? Lie to me?"

"Perhaps not," Edward grudgingly agreed, but only barely. It frustrated me to no end and reminded me of all the things Carlisle had told me that Edward had either concealed or edited extremely. "But I asked him not to describe those sickening events in detail to you. He ignored that request, obviously."

"I wanted to know," I insisted, a bit more frustrated than before. Edward was swiftly heading down the path of anger once again and Carlisle didn’t need that a second time. Or a third or a fourth, depending on far back you went in Cullen history... "Why shouldn’t he tell me the things I want to know? I’m a part of this family, too. You all know my history, so why shouldn’t I know yours?"

"So you want to know everything?" Edward growled slightly, frowning at me. "What could be so fascinating about lives we barely remember? About deaths we don’t _want_ to remember? Our unhappy endings? He shouldn’t be telling you these things. I _told_ him not to tell you such hideous tales. I can’t believe I almost let his storytelling go. How stupid of me.”

"Okay, fine then," I hissed quietly at him, now wary of Charlie, seeing as I still didn’t know what time it was. Yelling could bring him in here very quickly, so I avoided it like the plague. Nevertheless, if Edward couldn’t pick out the fury in my voice, he may as well be deaf. "Go ahead, get mad at him. Hurt him again! Heck, why don’t you let Rosalie join in on all your ‘fun’? She might have a thing or two to throw at him, too. The two of you can celebrate all of his worry and his fears and his pain; you both can be happy because he’s getting what he deserves for ‘ _stealing your life away_ ' and ' _killing your soul_ ’. Maybe I can still fix it when you’re through tormenting him… If there’s anything left of his heart once you’re done!”

Once I finished, my voice having grown steadily harsher as I spoke, Edward stared at me as if he had never seen anything like me before in his entire life. His eyes were slightly wider than normal and his jaw barely open, as if he had nearly spoken, but hadn’t found the words. I rose quickly from the bed, checking the time as I went. School wasn’t far off, maybe an hour, and Charlie was obviously at work already. Passing over to the desk next, I grabbed my toiletries and clothes, and went directly to the bathroom without saying another word.

My shower took all too brief a period of time, considering I was still mildly angry with the way Edward reacted. After all we had discussed the day before, he still allowed himself to get mad at Carlisle like this. I wished for a longer time in the bathroom, in which to soothe my upset somewhat, but I didn’t want to miss another day of classes. It would get back to Charlie if I did it too often. Toweling my hair for a moment longer, I took a deep breath with which to face Edward’s emotional rollercoaster. I gathered my courage and headed back into my bedroom.

To my surprise, Edward was actually pacing up and down the floor; he walked from the corner where my rocking chair sat, to the window, and back again. Over and over he paced the small space, seeming very much like a caged animal, while I watched silently, wondering what on earth he was thinking about now.

"You honestly think I _revel_ in being angry with him?” he suddenly tossed the comment at me, sounding just as frustrated as I felt. “You think I like arguing with him? I don’t!”

"You sure hide it well," I shot back, glaring at him.

Edward hissed in return to that statement, sending an irate glance my way. “That’s not true!”

"It is!" I raised my voice only slightly, trying valiantly to keep a lid on my now-volatile temper. "You all but forced everyone to leave Forks and me behind; Carlisle had to make a big decision thanks to that. He had to decide to uproot everyone, leave behind a member of his family, lose you to your pointless tracking expedition, and watch you drown in your own misery whenever you were around! If that wasn’t enough, you were selfish enough to try and get yourself killed! Did you even once think how he would feel about that? How devastated he would be? You aren’t just a member of his ‘coven,’ and you’re not just an obligation to him. You are his first son, the first person he entrusted his life and secrets with, his first real and trusted friend, the first family member he ever really had even when you include his human years. You mean so much to him and you didn’t even care what it would do to him if you were gone!"

Once again, I had successfully stunned Edward into total silence. Incredulity encompassed his features like a mask.

"Does he think I hate him?" Edward abruptly threw the question my way, his face dropping into a blank. No emotion could be discerned in his tone, but I knew it was in there somewhere. I wished I could know what he felt about this particular idea.

"No," I answered plainly, equally lacking in emotion (or so I hoped). Not that I could ever compete with the vampire method of being emotionless; it would be ludicrous to hope for that.

"Did he used to?" Edward continued in the monotone, but picked up his pacing anew. The questioning session was mildly irritating, but I felt that he needed me to help him figure something out. If I could point him in a healthy direction where it concerned Carlisle, then why shouldn’t I answer his questions?

"He thought you did at first," I admitted quietly. He stopped pacing instantly, his back to me, still as any statue.

"At first?" Hesitancy prevailed in his quiet, velvet voice. Some emotional substance was beginning to peek through.

"After he changed you."

More silence encompassed the two of us. In reaction to the spike in stress, both Edward and I went still. In my mind, I could picture Carlisle’s tense, saddened face as he described Edward’s feelings in the beginning.

“ _The first year, he was absolutely furious with me. I would go so far as to say he hated me.”_

Did Edward feel that way still? Did he feel resentment over being forced into an existence he believed to be ill-fated? All the signs pointed in that direction at the moment. And more of Carlisle’s words leaked into my conscious thought, somewhat frightening in their relevancy to Edward’s current behavior.

“ _The resentment lasted for some time, even after I thought he’d overcome it.”_

How awful it would be if Edward truly resented or hated Carlisle, even now, after he’d lived so long knowing just how much Carlisle loved him? But then why would Edward have returned after his rebellion, rather than staying away? Aside from that, no one could hide such feelings for that long, could they?

"… _but Edward is an excellent actor, as you well know.”_

Or could they? I thought nervously. A few minutes of biting my nails, figuratively speaking, and I came to my answer quickly.

No. No one, no matter how good an actor, could pretend to love someone while secretly hating them. No one, not even a vampire, and I knew that _my_ vampire was especially incapable of it. Edward didn’t hate Carlisle; he loved his father.

That was one worry down, dozens to go. I sighed tiredly just at the thought of all things that were bothering me. Edward finally looked up in response to my sudden noise, thought he retained the emotionless look. It was beginning to drive me crazy.

"Look," I began my attempt at keeping him from overreacting, inhaling with confidence that took me by surprise. "I know you’ve asked a lot from your family, regarding me. You don’t want to scare me, you don’t want me to worry. Well… I’m sorry, Edward, but that’s impossible. No matter how many times you tell me not to worry about the Volturi or Victoria or the werewolves, I _will_ worry. You can’t change that.”

"Bella—" Edward moved to speak, leaning towards me with a look of consternation now, but I held up hand to stop him. He froze mid-step, but his frustration did not ebb.

"Please let me finish," I interrupted, only going on when Edward closed his mouth unhappily, "…I won’t stop worrying. I’m sorry, it’s not in my nature. Just like it’s not in my nature to sit by and pretend I actually _know_ your family, when really I’ve never been allowed to get to know them as deeply as I should. Whether you like it or not, I’m _going_ to be a part of your family. Not just because I’m the human ‘pet’ who’s permitted to hang out with the vampires, but because Carlisle is going to change me after graduation. I know you don’t like it. And I also know that you don’t like Carlisle promising to do it in spite of what you believe, but that’s just how it’s going to be. It’s what I want. Forever with you. Not a human forever; not a ‘til death do us part’ kind of forever. A vampire one. If you don’t want me that long, or if you don’t want me once I’m a vampire, then I guess I’ll just have to handle it somehow.”

"I will never let you go," Edward insisted forcefully, flashing to my side in an instant, his fingers firm on my upper arms and topaz eyes focused intently on my features. "I thought you realized that by this point. No matter what you are or how long you live, I will never stop loving you."

I had to steady myself in the face of his poignant emotions; had to make my knees remain solid matter instead of sentimental goo as I replied, “Then will you promise me something?”

"What would that be?" Edward carefully and cautiously responded, knowing fully well not to immediately answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to open-ended questions, especially mine. I almost smiled.

"Don’t confront Carlisle," I gave him my first requirement. His mouth opened in a split-second to contend the point, but I placed a finger against his lips to still the remark before he could make it. His features were just as flummoxed as they could possibly be.

"I know you’re upset," I placated him, then gave him a pleading look, "but please, just let me tell you my side of the story first? Maybe you’ll change your mind by the time I’m done. Let me tell you all of the things Carlisle and I talked about, everything that happened this weekend. I enjoyed it, despite the few frustrating parts. You’d be surprised how much I accomplished, how much Carlisle helped me through some things. He’s been great, really wonderful, to me… If you’re still… mad at Carlisle when you go hunting this weekend, I guess I can’t stop you from getting angry with him. Please, just give me a chance to do this before you blow up on him. Please, Edward?"

I was supremely embarrassed to realize a couple of tears had fallen by the end of my request. Edward looked unbelievably appalled at the sight, eyes widening dramatically. He didn’t respond at first, opting instead to wrap his arms around me in comfort for a moment.

As I leaned into his granite chest, sniffling, I thought once more over all that his father had done for me in just a span of two days, even in my sleeping hours. Carlisle _had_ been really wonderful. Amazed thought I was at the fact, I also recognized how much a part of Carlisle’s nature that was. He was naturally kind and helpful and understanding. Maybe what really amazed me was that he felt I was worthy enough of his time for him to do that. He had treated me as his daughter, even said out loud that I was as good as one to him.

"And what happens afterward?" Edward murmured just above my right ear, "What if, at the end of the week, I’m still angry and still feel the need to argue this with him? What will you do, Bella?"

"I… don’t know," I admitted quietly, freezing up at the possibility that my talking would do no good whatsoever. My mouth went dry at the thought, causing my voice to turn hoarse as I continued. "I hadn’t considered… failing."

In the end, that was what it would amount to. If I couldn’t help Edward to calm himself and see reason, to sit down and understand Carlisle’s feelings about this, then I’d have failed the compassionate vampire.

"It’s not a failure on your part because Carlisle didn’t keep his promises," Edward nearly growled. The sound reverberated in him, making me tremble slightly as it rippled through his form. I tried to pull away, angered by his continued hard feelings, but he held me fast.

"It is to her," a familiar voice countered from my window. We both turned to face Alice, though I doubted Edward shared my surprise. He could sense her coming long before I could, even when her thoughts were blocked.

"Don’t you see, Edward?" she pressed him sternly, taking a deep and unnecessary breath, arms crossed and a deep frown on her face. "Carlisle’s only fault was to tell Bella the truth when she asked for it. _She_ asked for it. He didn’t just suddenly start forcing information on her; Bella pushed him for things that she needed to know and understand. So he complied.”

"He promised me he wouldn’t tell her any of it," Edward persisted stubbornly, holding onto that one, dwindling thread. "He promised last spring and he renewed that promise at the end of the summer. I thought I could trust him with that."

For what she was about to say, Alice apologized in advance, “I hate to say this to you, Edward. I’m sorry…” He looked very confused and Alice took another unnecessary deep breath to gather as much courage as she could.

"You promised Bella something, too," Alice pushed the words out tensely and I hated the pain that appeared in Edward’s radiant eyes, "If you hadn’t broken that promise, then you wouldn’t have been starving yourself in an effort to make sure Bella trusted you to stay. Bella wouldn’t have been spending this weekend with Carlisle. She probably wouldn’t have needed him to tell her what you won’t. But you did break your promise. And after what happened in Italy, you’ve become even more stringent in the belief that anything even remotely scary should be hidden from Bella. Eventually, she’ll resent you for it. In time, you’ll just make her think that you don’t believe she’s strong enough for anything. That’s just going to hurt her."

"Bella knows better than that," Edward scowled weakly at his sister, then turned to look at me for confirmation. My face betrayed my agreement with Alice’s words, however. One of the greatest worries I had was about Edward’s inability to let me in. He was unwilling to let me _know_ , to let me understand.

"Would you want to constantly be lied to?" I put it bluntly. There was no other way. "To know that no matter what’s going on, people are holding out on you and keeping secrets about the really important stuff? You’re turning me into bird in a cage, Edward. You feed me, clothe me, house me, protect me… You love me, hold me, pet me, and keep me entertained… But I’m still caged. Are you going to control me for the rest of my life?"

The questions poured forth like a fountain, finally making themselves known to the vampire that I loved, after so many months of wondering.

"I’m not controlling you. I’m _protecting_ you,” Edward wasted no time in insisting, thinking he was proving his love and understanding, but those were exactly the words I dreaded hearing. I closed my eyes tightly to keep the tears at bay, pulling away from him as far as his marble arms would allow, although it wasn’t far. He made a sound of protest, but I strained against him, repressing a sob as I moved. The sudden stillness of his form indicated his shock.

Another set of arms wrapped around me from the other direction, pulling my body out of Edward’s frozen half-embrace and back onto the bed. Alice, my mind supplied. She shushed me gently, rubbing my back in soothing motions while I let more tears fall. Edward remained frozen solid between the desk and the bed, staring blankly at the wall while he focused on something unseen to me.

"How can I prove that it’s in your best interest, Bella?" He unfroze with that statement, closing his eyes as I had a moment prior, hoping to ward off his emotions.

"Bella is the one who should decide what’s best for her," Alice cut in quietly, but steel laced her voice. I greatly appreciated her efforts on my part.

"Like becoming a vampire?" Edward snarled out the question and I flinched back from the venomous tone of voice. Alice glared up at her brother darkly, mouth nearly pulled back into a snarl of her own. He didn’t seem to be affected at all.

"Would you force me to die?" I choked out suddenly, honestly stunned that the question came from my own lips. Edward gasped at the implication. "To age, have aches and pains, get sick, tired and weak, feel depressed because I’m not young and strong anymore? Are you going to use your strength to hold me down while you stop my breathing and still my heartbeat? Maybe Carlisle can give me a lethal injection. All for the sake of me dying human and staying that way. That’s what you seem to be leading up to."

"How can you say that?" Edward’s voice was incredulous, but Alice was eerily silent.

"You keep controlling things!" I cried, twisting in Alice’s arms to face him, though she still held a firm grip on my shoulders. "Controlling what the family says and does so that I don’t hear things you’d rather be kept quiet. And controlling my actions so I’m safe from every little thing under the sun. You want to control my becoming a vampire, because of a fear you have that I don’t even believe in! I can’t live like that!"

My tears broke out in full force with that last word. Alice held me closer, turning me back around towards her and resuming the soothing motions on my back while Edward floundered in my accusations.

"I’m not going to stop Carlisle turning you," he finally whispered painfully. It seemed to take every ounce of his strength to make that promise. "And if you accept my requirement, I won’t hold back from what _I_ agreed.”

"We have to get going," Alice put in so quickly that I knew she was attempting to prevent some other unfortunate words from escaping my mouth. Maybe that’s why she’d come and interrupted our argument. Something she had seen was bubbling up, ready to rear its ugly head, and she wanted to stop it in its tracks. But if we didn’t say this now, Heaven only knew what it might fester into later. More than ugly, it could turn absolutely disastrous.

"Not yet," I croaked out. "This is too important, Alice."

She said nothing in response, but sighed heavily. Edward swallowed hard in anticipation of what else I planned to say.

"If you keep this up, you’re going to push me too far, Edward," the words came in a strange mixture of fervency and calm, as though I’d been waiting to say them my whole life. "You’ve got to let me talk about things. I can’t live in confusion. I have to know what I’m getting myself into; to be informed of every consequence before I face it. Do you want me to be afraid?"

"If you’re afraid, then you shouldn’t choose it," he fervently interjected, features set in a pleading look that was very real and very intense. He truly didn’t want me to choose this life. He wanted me human. Well, that just wasn’t feasible.

"That depends on what I’m afraid of."

"What does it matter?" The bewilderment and incredulity in his voice proved just how lost he was. "If you’re afraid of it, you’re afraid of it."

"If I understood everything," I tried to remain calm in the face of Edward’s growing upset, but it was difficult. "If I knew what to expect, I wouldn’t be afraid of it. I could come to terms with whatever the consequences might be. But you won’t _let_ me. Face it, Edward. Carlisle will be turning me after graduation; that is my future. Do you really want to keep me so unenlightened that I’m scared of my own future?”

"It doesn’t have to be your future!" he nearly shouted, looking as incensed as I had ever seen him. "I don’t care that you’re human, how breakable you are, how enticing you smell! I love you for _you_. For Isabella Swan. Not for looks or species, but for your heart and your personality. Doesn’t _any_ of that mean _anything_ to you?”

"It means everything!" I cried back, tears falling heavier now in response to both his beautiful, wonderful feelings and to the accusation that I didn’t care what he felt. "But there are other things that mean just as much! Like your misery as you watch me grow old and get weaker as the years pass, the constant fear that I’m going to die thanks to Victoria or the Volturi, the never-ending stress of trying to keep me safe and whole, your family’s heartbreak if you were to go to Volterra at the end of my human life… You have to care about those things. You have to!"

"You mean more to me than the petty stress of protecting you," Edward confidently, if grimly, replied.

"Do I mean more to you than your family?" I raged shrilly, gob-smacked at the carelessness he was exhibiting towards the family who loved him. "Can you stand there and tell Alice that you don’t care how she would feel if you died? Esme would lose her son all over again. Carlisle would feel like a guilty failure and a monster because he couldn’t keep me alive and human for you. Do you even see how much Emmett is affected by nearly losing you? And you didn’t actually even die! I can’t imagine how he’d feel if you were truly gone. Jasper and Rosalie would be devastated too, you know they would. How _heartless_ can you be?”

The ensuing silence was so profound it could have been sliced open with a knife. Alice sat downheartedly, but at the same time hopefully. She was probably upset that her vision had come to fruition after all. That would explain her downheartedness. Her hopeful nature, however, I could not make sense of. What was turning out good from this?

Edward was so lost in the mess we were making that I wondered how he would ever come back out of it. He actually took a seat in the rocking chair, putting his head in his heads. Those long fingers worked their way through messy bronze locks, showcasing his desperation, misery, and frustration to anyone who cared to look. I wasn’t faring much better. My words were said, the hurt was done, and now I just wanted out before I completely broke down and took it all back. Seeing him like that broke me down almost to the point of no return. That would be so like me; to tell him to forget about it because I didn’t want him to hurt this much. But then what good would that do? We would go back to how we always were; his overprotective nature and single-minded devotion to me would forever be a wedge between us. No, I had to get out before I rescinded the words that Edward needed to hear.

"Bella, I care about everyone in my family," Edward choked out quietly, painfully, not looking up at me from his uncharacteristically slumped posture. Please don’t say anymore, I couldn’t help thinking. I needed out before the breakdown happened. "I would never _want_ to hurt them so deeply, but how could I live in a world without you in it? It would be… eternal torture. Hell would be a pleasure compared to that kind of existence. I… I don’t know what else I could do.”

"You won’t have to do anything," I fervently vowed, totally and completely sure of myself despite my shaky voice. "I won’t be dying. I’m going to be by your side forever. You won’t be able to go to Italy unless you’re dragging me along with you."

"You shouldn’t have to change for me," he forced out through gritted teeth. "It’s not worth your soul. _I’m_ not.”

"You’re more than worth it," I insisted furiously, shaking with the force of my emotions now. "Don’t you ever say that again! I love you and that’s all there is to it. You can’t make me change my mind. You tried once and it failed. I _have_ to be with you and I want it to be forever! Even if I didn’t want that… if my human death means you’re going to Volterra, then I’m going to do whatever it takes to _not_ _die_.”

He moaned as if in pain, pulling tightly on his hair in unrivaled agony, if I were to guess as to the emotion behind that action. I wanted to soothe it, but I knew nothing I could do would help with this particular problem. I, or more specifically my choice, was the problem, after all. I didn’t and couldn’t say anything more.

"We have to go," Alice spoke again after so long being silent; her tone serious and subdued and directed totally towards Edward. "Bella can’t miss classes today or word would get out. Things would go _very_ badly with Charlie… Think over all of this, Edward. Just think about what Bella has told you and how she feels. Don’t react so immediately. Give yourself some time to work through it all. For her sake.”

Edward looked up then, straight at me, every slight feeling in the depths of his eyes coming to the fore as he stared. My heart pounded harder, not because of his always-devastating beauty, but because of the unconscionable levels of pain he was feeling.

"Let me go," I breathed desperately before turning away from those eyes with a visible wince and pulling away from Alice. She let me go, but her eyes followed me sympathetically as I half ran through to the bathroom. Edward was hurting beyond my comprehension now, as the emotions flitting through his partially-darkened eyes vibrantly displayed. Why did I always have to hurt someone in order to get my point across?

In the bathroom, I splashed my features with water and toweled my face dry. It was all I had the energy to do. I was barely presentable, but at least the cold water had stilled my racing emotions; they were so off-balance that they matched my physical clumsiness. For several minutes, I just stood and took deep, calming breaths to prepare myself for the day ahead. Five and a half hours of sitting beside Edward in weighted silence, knowing that all the while he was hurting deeply and I could do nothing about it. I shook my head fiercely to get rid of the notion before it made me cry all over again.

Upon reentering the bedroom, I noted with equal sadness and relief that Edward had left. Relief because we had said things we shouldn’t have and I didn’t want to face any more of that. Sadness was more prevalent of the two emotions, however. How long would our distance last? Would lunch consist of Alice trying to engage me in conversations that I wasn’t all that happy to participate in, simply for the sake of appearing normal? I cringed internally at the very notion of it.

"He’s gone to get Jasper," Alice preempted my questions quietly, handing over a granola bar while shouldering my backpack. "Let me drive today."

"It’ll look strange if I’m not driving," I tried to protest weakly, but the feeling just wasn’t there. If I was being honest with myself, I would admit that I didn’t feel like driving after what had just taken place. Drained, ironic as it sounded, was the best word to describe how I felt.

"I’ve seen it," she half-smiled, but nowhere near enthusiastically, as we made our way downstairs at my speed. "It’ll be fine."

"What about the rest of the day?" I asked miserably. It couldn’t look well if I wasn’t talking with my boyfriend. Everyone at Forks High would notice that. And once word finally got around to Charlie, he’d be so pleased he’d jump for joy. I really didn’t need that right then.

"Jasper has a paper due in a couple of weeks," she explained confidently. "He’s going to ask Edward for ‘help’ on it. Edward will be preoccupied for the duration of lunch. You and I will talk during that time. No one will think anything of it."

"That’s lunch," I sighed, wiping my eyes wearily. "What about the other six hours of the day?"

"No one before lunch is going to notice yours and Edward’s distance," she informed me.

"And after?" I pressed her irritably.

"You’re not going to be there after lunch," she hesitantly informed me, and I completely understood that feeling. She had told us herself that I couldn’t miss any more classes or Charlie would lose it. Why was she insisting that I miss now?

"Alice, I can’t miss any more class!" I told her loudly and incredulously, stopping abruptly before the front door. "Charlie will find out and he’ll go berserk! You said it yourself."

"I’m taking you up to Carlisle after lunch," Alice offered, looking me straight in the eye with overwhelming surety. "Charlie will understand if you tripped on the way to class. You and I just got a little too… spirited… in our conversation."

"But I can’t play that up." My persistence had to get through to her at some point. "I’m a terrible actress, remember? I’ll forget to pretend I’m limping or something."

"You won’t have to pretend." Her knowing words made me groan. "I’m sorry, Bella. I’d stop you when it happens, but it might be a useful thing, just this once. You and Edward need space at some point today. I don’t know how else to make that happen without everyone getting suspicious."

"Great," I grumbled in frustration as I followed her out the front door and locked it behind me, slouching in acceptance of my fate. It wasn’t as if tripping was so unusual for me, but I didn’t like it anymore than I ever had. Although, it had helped me get Carlisle out on a hunt this weekend, so maybe it wasn’t all bad.

Just mostly.

Our brief walk to my truck was quiet again, minus the sound of the old Chevy roaring to life as Alice turned the ignition. I wasn’t startled this time, after having driven yesterday morning. Alice was surprisingly gentle with the vehicle when she backed out of the driveway.

"Are you still blocking your thoughts?" I asked suddenly, remembering that Edward seemed to be getting her responses at the same time I had, not before. My thoughts had to be ruthlessly pushed down before I focused further on Edward’s reactions.

"Yes," she sighed exasperatedly. "It’s becoming frustrating, honestly, but I know it’s important to keep it up until everything’s taken care of."

"So, Edward doesn’t know anything that happens, unless we tell him or he’s there with us?"

"Or if he sees it through someone else’s thoughts." She frowned at the idea.

"Oh, yeah," I frowned as well. Luckily, no one else was able hear what Alice and myself were talking about just then. So this conversation, at least, would be kept secret.

"He hasn’t seen anything really big yet," she added, only a little smug at her success. "So don’t worry so much. And he knows I’m going to get you out early. I mentioned it when he left."

"So he won’t freak out and chase after my scent?" I couldn’t help asking with a fond, but sad, smile.

"No," she smiled the same way, though with perhaps a bit more mischief. Not as much as usual, but enough that I felt a little better.

The silver Volvo was empty when we pulled in next to it. Edward and Jasper leaned outside it as they had the previous day, but Edward’s face looked entirely morose. The change from yesterday made me sigh deeply.

"It will work out, Bella," Alice quietly reassured me with an understanding smile and a brief hug for me. "Please believe me."

"I do," I confessed honestly and got out of the passenger side of the truck with a little more confidence than before. Jasper met Alice up near the front our vehicles, and I felt a bit guilty for the honey-blond vampire’s strained, stressful look, as I passed around them and reluctantly up to Edward. In addition to that guilty feeling, trepidation built up in me. How would Edward react? Would he be too upset to be close to me as we headed inside?

Edward suddenly threw a look over my head, and I turned to find Jasper solidly sharing his gaze. Something passed through Jasper’s eyes that I could not name, but in my boyfriend’s eyes, I could see the sudden sadness and gentleness there. A second later, Edward turned his topaz eyes to me hesitantly. I bit my lip in anxiety, wondering what he was thinking just as much as he must have been wondering the same about me.

"May I?" he murmured lowly with a gesture towards my hand, quite a rare question from him nowadays and one that was usually unnecessary. It was all I needed to know that he was just as afraid as I was of where our argument was taking our relationship. Yet Alice’s words of reassurance fluttered into my mind. My best friend wasn’t just making false promises to cheer me up; there had been real confidence in her voice. Sadness, yes, but surety as well. That simple fact bolstered my courage. One of us had to make a move toward reconciliation if we were ever going to move past our differences.

Instead of answering his question, I moved in slowly and tentatively to wrap my arms around Edward’s waist, eyes never leaving his bedazzling pools of gold. He had plenty of time to pull away if he wished, but to my relief he did nothing of the sort. The tension in his granite body, while not entirely deflated, loosened somewhat and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders to lead me into the school. It was a beginning.

Almost five hours later, I concluded that it was lucky Edward and I had actually made our first concession back in the parking lot. Uncomfortable was hardly even the proper word for what we felt as our classes wore on. At least there was no need for us to make up conversation, since every class was taken up with lecture.

Whatever tension had left Edward’s form this morning was back tenfold by the time lunch came around. Who knew what kind of thoughts were raging through his head, whether his own or everyone else’s. Thankfully, no one noticed the twin sighs of relief and discomfort we two released at the end of fourth period.

Alice and Jasper were waiting outside when Edward and I dredged our unhappy selves out. The pixielike vampire looked more cheerful, but slightly apprehensive, and Jasper had his paper in hand.

"Alice," Edward nodded at his sister in acknowledgement and gave my hand a brief squeeze, then took off ahead of us with his brother to move fluidly into discussion of the assignment that Jasper didn’t actually need any help with.

Tiny Alice wrapped her arm through mine, pulling me forward to the exterior doors, and whispered by my ear, “Sorry I couldn’t get you out for every class. I know that was hard.”

"It’s not your fault," I mumbled back. We headed to the cafeteria at a very leisurely human gate so as to allow the ‘boys’ distance. "But it _was_ hard.”

"I’m sorry about after lunch, too," she apologized again, rather out of character for her, but I suspected the uncomfortable day was troubling even her.

"It’s fine," I sighed quietly, wary of Jessica and Lauren who were chatting about ten feet ahead of us. "Forget it, okay? It’ll be good to see how Carlisle’s doing, anyway. Not that I’ll like what I see…"

Alice took it for the question it was, lowering her voice so that it almost didn’t reach me as we passed near Jessica and Lauren. “No, you probably won’t at first, but you need a good, firm shoulder to cry on. Carlisle is just the ticket. By the way, you’re going to be his last appointment today. Bailey was so affected by your threat and so impressed by Carlisle’s reaction, that he shortened Carlisle’s hours all this month and gave him weekends off.”

"At least that gives plenty of time for hunting trips, if it becomes necessary," I responded as we headed in through the cafeteria doors, a mild frown on my face.

"Yes, that’s true," Alice agreed, looking pensive. "Though I hope this weekend is the only one he needs for another two weeks."

"That makes two of us."

The rest of our conversation during lunch was taken up by far less important topics, our mutual attempt to ease up on our worries for just a little while. It would probably have worked, had Edward not still retained a morose look on his features that drove me to the same levels of anxiety for the first ten minutes of the lunch period. At that point, I wasted no time in following whatever directions and cues that the other three vampires gave to me. Edward and Jasper stood early from the table, only about ten minutes into the lunch period, taking their discussion of Japer’s assignment to the library for a ‘more peaceful atmosphere’ as they claimed. Alice and I then remained for another five minutes, if I had it timed correctly, before she led me to throw away my food. Feeling rather vampire-like, since I had touched nothing on my tray (indeed, I had not even opened anything), I followed her outside again.

"I’m going to skip a bit ahead of you," my raven-haired friend whispered to me when we neared the edge of the grass near the parking lot. "Call out for me to slow down and then try to catch up."

I exhaled on a heavy sigh and immediately took a very big breath in preparation for my fated fall. Once I appeared to be ready, Alice literally skipped off before me across the grounds.

Dreading it, but knowing it would be a good thing in the end, I called out as exasperatedly playful as I could manage, “C’mon, Alice, slow down!”

Her trilling laughter made me smile in spite of myself as I walked forward onto the pavement of the parking lot.

* * *

 


	12. Spirited

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 12: Spirited  
>  **

When I awoke in the morning, it was to find a beautiful young god smiling at me in absolute love and gentility, topaz eyes shimmering like the ocean on a bright sunny day. Swimming in those depths was a fathomless devotion that nearly took my breath away. This was a completely different way of dazzling. Edward captured me, not by mere beauty, but by the sheer intensity of his feelings, shining from his eyes as they were. It took a moment before the lack of oxygen even registered in my brain.

"Morning," I gasped quietly, sucking in a gulp of the air around me, which was saturated with his scent.

"Good morning, love," he murmured with an amused little smile, obviously holding back a full smirk until I was awake enough to respond to it more clearly. "You seem to have slept well."

"Uh oh," I whispered, nerves colliding in my stomach, "What did I say this time?"

"Not much. I mean, a few things, but…" Edward’s face dropped slightly and I almost felt sorry for him. Then I remembered that it was my dreams he was listening to. Ugh. "You mentioned Carlisle, Renee, and me. A couple other tiny things. And something about… Esme."

His face took a turn for the dark. Clearly, I’d said something in my sleep about Esme or her past that wasn’t pleasant. I flushed, caught red-handed with knowledge he probably didn’t want me to know. He wasn’t supposed to know about those conversations with Carlisle. Not this much, anyway. He wouldn’t be happy to find out what dark subjects had passed between his father and I this weekend.

"Oh." I didn’t say anything more. No reason to keep him asking questions that I didn’t want to answer.

Of course, Edward being Edward, he just ignored my attempt at secrecy. “Would you like to tell me how you know so much about Esme’s human past?”

I took a deep breath to calm myself. “I don’t know much of anything about it, actually.”

That was a lie, I supposed, but technically I _didn’t_ know much about her human past. A total of twenty-six years were lost on me. I only knew a few facts from very select periods in Esme’s life. Most of her human history was unknown to me.

"Hm," Edward pursed his lips in dubious thought a moment before finally speaking again. "So, you finally asked about Carlisle’s scarves?"

"Huh?" The change of topic thoroughly confused me. Why were we suddenly talking about Carlisle’s scarves? And if Alice and Carlisle both blocked their thoughts, how could Edward know? He obviously couldn’t have picked it out of my head. All I did know was that Edward had to have something up his sleeve with this. I just wasn’t certain where he could take it.

"You did talk about his scarves, didn’t you?" he pressed almost too casually, now looking at my hands again, which I had unconsciously fisted in his shirt. Stupid nerves were getting the better of me. They loosened up minutely, causing Edward further suspicion, unfortunately.

"What do scarves have to do with anything?" I asked exasperatedly, not exactly answering the question. If his narrowed eyes proved anything, my vampire boyfriend wasn’t buying it. Great.

"You talked about it in your sleep," he accused bluntly now. No more hiding would be allowed, it seemed.

"My curiosity got the better of me," I confessed with a sigh of resignation. "So I asked him about them."

"I see," he said simply, leaving me wondering what he was thinking about. Silence filled our tense morning embrace for a number of minutes, until at last I could take it no longer.

"What’s wrong?" I blurted out. Edward looked up with the realization that he was caught, rapidly recognizing the knowing look on my features.

"It’s nothing," he muttered quietly, looking down at my hands where they lay on his chest, just as twisted in his shirt as they had been before.

"It’s obviously something," I countered in annoyance, "or you wouldn’t be hiding it from me."

A heavy sigh escaped his lips in response to that. “It’s just that… I wonder about something.”

"What would that ‘something’ be?" I inquired in a gentler tone.

"Carlisle said he told you about my _independent_ years.” The disgust with which Edward said the word ‘independent’ surprised me. He obviously disagreed with the term when applied to his rebellious phase. Despite feeling like I should say something, nothing would come out of my mouth. It was like my vocal chords were stuck.

"I guess that answers my question," Edward sighed heavily, sitting up and running a hand through his already-messy bronze locks in agitation. My hands fell to the bed limply; I had more important things on my mind now.

"Don’t be mad at him, please, Edward." Finally my mouth came unstuck. "I asked outright. What was he supposed to do? Lie to me?"

"Perhaps not," Edward grudgingly agreed, but only barely. It frustrated me to no end and reminded me of all the things Carlisle had told me that Edward had either concealed or edited extremely. "But I asked him not to describe those sickening events in detail to you. He ignored that request, obviously."

"I wanted to know," I insisted, a bit more frustrated than before. Edward was swiftly heading down the path of anger once again and Carlisle didn’t need that a second time. (Or a third or a fourth, depending on far back you went in Cullen history.) "Why shouldn’t he tell me the things I want to know? I’m a part of this family, too. You all know my history, so why shouldn’t I know yours?"

"So you want to know everything?" Edward growled slightly, frowning at me. "What could be so fascinating about lives we barely remember? About deaths we don’t _want_ to remember? Our unhappy endings? He shouldn’t be telling you these things. I _told_ him not to tell you such hideous tales. I can’t believe I almost let his storytelling go. How stupid of me.”

"Okay, fine then," I hissed quietly at him, now wary of Charlie, seeing as I still didn’t know what time it was. Yelling could bring him in here very quickly, so I avoided it like the plague. Nevertheless, if Edward couldn’t pick out the fury in my voice, he may as well be deaf. "Go ahead, get mad at him. Hurt him again! Heck, why don’t you let Rosalie join in on all your ‘fun’? She might have a thing or two to throw at him, too. The two of you can celebrate all of his worry and his fears and his pain; you both can be happy because he’s getting what he deserves for ‘ _stealing your life away_ ' and ' _killing your soul_ ’. Maybe I can still fix it when you’re through tormenting him… If there’s anything left of his heart once you’re done!”

Once I finished, my voice having grown steadily harsher as I spoke, Edward stared at me as if he had never seen anything like me before in his entire life. His eyes were slightly wider than normal and his jaw barely open, as if he had nearly spoken, but hadn’t found the words. I rose quickly from the bed, checking the time as I went. School wasn’t far off, maybe an hour, and Charlie was obviously at work already. Passing over to the desk next, I grabbed my toiletries and clothes, and went directly to the bathroom without saying another word.

My shower took all too brief a period of time, considering I was still mildly angry with the way Edward reacted. After all we had discussed the day before, he still allowed himself to get mad at Carlisle like this. I wished for a longer time in the bathroom, in which to soothe my upset somewhat, but I didn’t want to miss another day of classes. It would get back to Charlie if I did it too often. Toweling my hair for a moment longer, I took a deep breath with which to face Edward’s emotional rollercoaster. I gathered my courage and headed back into my bedroom.

To my surprise, Edward was actually pacing up and down the floor; he walked from the corner where my rocking chair sat, to the window, and back again. Over and over he paced the small space, seeming very much like a caged animal, while I watched silently, wondering what on earth he was thinking about now.

"You honestly think I _revel_ in being angry with him?” he suddenly tossed the comment at me, sounding just as frustrated as I felt. “You think I like arguing with him? I don’t!”

"You sure hide it well," I shot back, glaring at him.

Edward hissed in return to that statement, sending an irate glance my way. “That’s not true!”

"It is!" I raised my voice only slightly, trying valiantly to keep a lid on my now-volatile temper. "You all but forced everyone to leave Forks and me behind; Carlisle had to make a big decision thanks to that. He had to decide to uproot everyone, leave behind a member of his family, lose you to your pointless tracking expedition, and watch you drown in your own misery whenever you were around! If that wasn’t enough, you were selfish enough to try and get yourself killed! Did you even once think how he would feel about that? How devastated he would be? You aren’t just a member of his ‘coven,’ and you’re not just an obligation to him. You are his first son, the first person he entrusted his life and secrets with, his first real and trusted friend, the first family member he ever really had even when you include his human years. You mean so much to him and you didn’t even care what it would do to him if you were gone!"

Once again, I had successfully stunned Edward into total silence. Incredulity encompassed his features like a mask.

"Does he think I hate him?" Edward abruptly threw the question my way, his face dropping into a blank. No emotion could be discerned in his tone, but I knew it was in there somewhere. I wished I could know what he felt about this particular idea.

"No," I answered plainly, equally lacking in emotion (or so I hoped). Not that I could ever compete with the vampire method of being emotionless; it would be ludicrous to hope for that.

"Did he used to?" Edward continued in the monotone, but picked up his pacing anew. The questioning session was mildly irritating, but I felt that he needed me to help him figure something out. If I could point him in a healthy direction where it concerned Carlisle, then why shouldn’t I answer his questions?

"He thought you did at first," I admitted quietly. He stopped pacing instantly, his back to me, still as any statue.

"At first?" Hesitancy prevailed in his quiet, velvet voice. Some emotional substance was beginning to peek through.

"After he changed you."

More silence encompassed the two of us. In reaction to the spike in stress, both Edward and I went still. In my mind, I could picture Carlisle’s tense, saddened face as he described Edward’s feelings in the beginning.

“ _The first year, he was absolutely furious with me. I would go so far as to say he hated me.”_

Did Edward feel that way still? Did he feel resentment over being forced into an existence he believed to be ill-fated? All the signs pointed in that direction at the moment. And more of Carlisle’s words leaked into my conscious thought, somewhat frightening in their relevancy to Edward’s current behavior.

“ _The resentment lasted for some time, even after I thought he’d overcome it.”_

How awful it would be if Edward truly resented or hated Carlisle, even now, after he’d lived so long knowing just how much Carlisle loved him? But then why would Edward have returned after his rebellion, rather than staying away? Aside from that, no one could hide such feelings for that long, could they?

"… _but Edward is an excellent actor, as you well know.”_

Or could they? I thought nervously. A few minutes of biting my nails, figuratively speaking, and I came to my answer quickly.

No. No one, no matter how good an actor, could pretend to love someone while secretly hating them. No one, not even a vampire, and I knew that _my_ vampire was especially incapable of it. Edward didn’t hate Carlisle; he loved his father.

That was one worry down, dozens to go. I sighed tiredly just at the thought of all things that were bothering me. Edward finally looked up in response to my sudden noise, thought he retained the emotionless look. It was beginning to drive me crazy.

"Look," I began my attempt at keeping him from overreacting, inhaling with confidence that took me by surprise. "I know you’ve asked a lot from your family, regarding me. You don’t want to scare me, you don’t want me to worry. Well… I’m sorry, Edward, but that’s impossible. No matter how many times you tell me not to worry about the Volturi or Victoria or the werewolves, I _will_ worry. You can’t change that.”

"Bella—" Edward moved to speak, leaning towards me with a look of consternation now, but I held up hand to stop him. He froze mid-step, but his frustration did not ebb.

"Please let me finish," I interrupted, only going on when Edward closed his mouth unhappily, "…I won’t stop worrying. I’m sorry, it’s not in my nature. Just like it’s not in my nature to sit by and pretend I actually _know_ your family, when really I’ve never been allowed to get to know them as deeply as I should. Whether you like it or not, I’m _going_ to be a part of your family. Not just because I’m the human ‘pet’ who’s permitted to hang out with the vampires, but because Carlisle is going to change me after graduation. I know you don’t like it. And I also know that you don’t like Carlisle promising to do it in spite of what you believe, but that’s just how it’s going to be. It’s what I want. Forever with you. Not a human forever; not a ‘til death do us part’ kind of forever. A vampire one. If you don’t want me that long, or if you don’t want me once I’m a vampire, then I guess I’ll just have to handle it somehow.”

"I will never let you go," Edward insisted forcefully, flashing to my side in an instant, his fingers firm on my upper arms and topaz eyes focused intently on my features. "I thought you realized that by this point. No matter what you are or how long you live, I will never stop loving you."

I had to steady myself in the face of his poignant emotions; had to make my knees remain solid matter instead of sentimental goo as I replied, “Then will you promise me something?”

"What would that be?" Edward carefully and cautiously responded, knowing fully well not to immediately answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to open-ended questions, especially mine. I almost smiled.

"Don’t confront Carlisle," I gave him my first requirement. His mouth opened in a split-second to contend the point, but I placed a finger against his lips to still the remark before he could make it. His features were just as flummoxed as they could possibly be.

"I know you’re upset," I placated him, then gave him a pleading look, "but please, just let me tell you my side of the story first? Maybe you’ll change your mind by the time I’m done. Let me tell you all of the things Carlisle and I talked about, everything that happened this weekend. I enjoyed it, despite the few frustrating parts. You’d be surprised how much I accomplished, how much Carlisle helped me through some things. He’s been great, really wonderful, to me… If you’re still… mad at Carlisle when you go hunting this weekend, I guess I can’t stop you from getting angry with him. Please, just give me a chance to do this before you blow up on him. Please, Edward?"

I was supremely embarrassed to realize a couple of tears had fallen by the end of my request. Edward looked unbelievably appalled at the sight, eyes widening dramatically. He didn’t respond at first, opting instead to wrap his arms around me in comfort for a moment.

As I leaned into his granite chest, sniffling, I thought once more over all that his father had done for me in just a span of two days, even in my sleeping hours. Carlisle _had_ been really wonderful. Amazed thought I was at the fact, I also recognized how much apart of Carlisle’s nature that was. He was naturally kind and helpful and understanding. Maybe what really amazed me was that he felt I was worthy enough of his time for him to do that. He had treated me as his daughter, even said out loud that I was as good as one to him.

"And what happens afterward?" Edward murmured just above my right ear, "What if, at the end of the week, I’m still angry and still feel the need to argue this with him? What will you do, Bella?"

"I… don’t know," I admitted quietly, freezing up at the possibility that my talking would do no good whatsoever. My mouth went dry at the thought, causing my voice to turn hoarse as I continued. "I hadn’t considered… failing."

In the end, that was what it would amount to. If I couldn’t help Edward to calm himself and see reason, to sit down and understand Carlisle’s feelings about this, then I’d have failed the compassionate vampire.

"It’s not a failure on your part because Carlisle didn’t keep his promises," Edward nearly growled. The sound reverberated in him, making me tremble slightly as it rippled through his form. I tried to pull away, angered by his continued hard feelings, but he held me fast.

"It is to her," a familiar voice countered from my window. We both turned to face Alice, though I doubted Edward shared my surprise. He could sense her coming long before I could, even when her thoughts were blocked.

"Don’t you see, Edward?" she pressed him sternly, taking a deep and unnecessary breath, arms crossed and a deep frown on her face. "Carlisle’s only fault was to tell Bella the truth when she asked for it. _She_ asked for it. He didn’t just suddenly start forcing information on her; Bella pushed him for things that she needed to know and understand. So he complied.”

"He promised me he wouldn’t tell her any of it," Edward persisted stubbornly, holding onto that one, dwindling thread. "He promised last spring and he renewed that promise at the end of the summer. I thought I could trust him with that."

For what she was about to say, Alice apologized in advance, “I hate to say this to you, Edward. I’m sorry…” He looked very confused and Alice took another unnecessary deep breath to gather as much courage as she could.

"You promised Bella something, too," Alice pushed the words out tensely and I hated the pain that appeared in Edward’s radiant eyes, "If you hadn’t broken that promise, then you wouldn’t have been starving yourself in an effort to make sure Bella trusted you to stay. Bella wouldn’t have been spending this weekend with Carlisle. She probably wouldn’t have needed him to tell her what you won’t. But you did break your promise. And after what happened in Italy, you’ve become even more stringent in the belief that anything even remotely scary should be hidden from Bella. Eventually, she’ll resent you for it. In time, you’ll just make her think that you don’t believe she’s strong enough for anything. That’s just going to hurt her."

"Bella knows better than that," Edward scowled weakly at his sister, then turned to look at me for confirmation. My face betrayed my agreement with Alice’s words, however. One of the greatest worries I had was about Edward’s inability to let me in. He was unwilling to let me _know_ , to let me understand.

"Would you want to constantly be lied to?" I put it bluntly. There was no other way. "To know that no matter what’s going on, people are holding out on you and keeping secrets about the really important stuff? You’re turning me into bird in a cage, Edward. You feed me, clothe me, house me, protect me… You love me, hold me, pet me, and keep me entertained… But I’m still caged. Are you going to control me for the rest of my life?"

The questions poured forth like a fountain, finally making themselves known to the vampire that I loved, after so many months of wondering.

"I’m not controlling you. I’m _protecting_ you,” Edward wasted no time in insisting, thinking he was proving his love and understanding, but those were exactly the words I dreaded hearing. I closed my eyes tightly to keep the tears at bay, pulling away from him as far as his marble arms would allow, although it wasn’t far. He made a sound of protest, but I strained against him, repressing a sob as I moved. The sudden stillness of his form indicated his shock.

Another set of arms wrapped around me from the other direction, pulling my body out of Edward’s frozen half-embrace and back onto the bed. Alice, my mind supplied. She shushed me gently, rubbing my back in soothing motions while I let more tears fall. Edward remained frozen solid between the desk and the bed, staring blankly at the wall while he focused on something unseen to me.

"How can I prove that it’s in your best interest, Bella?" He unfroze with that statement, closing his eyes as I had a moment prior, hoping to ward off his emotions.

"Bella is the one who should decide what’s best for her," Alice cut in quietly, but steel laced her voice. I greatly appreciated her efforts on my part.

"Like becoming a vampire?" Edward snarled out the question and I flinched back from the venomous tone of voice. Alice glared up at her brother darkly, mouth nearly pulled back into a snarl of her own. He didn’t seem to be affected at all.

"Would you force me to die?" I choked out suddenly, honestly stunned that the question came from my own lips. Edward gasped at the implication. "To age, have aches and pains, get sick, tired and weak, feel depressed because I’m not young and strong anymore? Are you going to use your strength to hold me down while you stop my breathing and still my heartbeat? Maybe Carlisle can give me a lethal injection. All for the sake of me dying human and staying that way. That’s what you seem to be leading up to."

"How can you say that?" Edward’s voice was incredulous, but Alice was eerily silent.

"You keep controlling things!" I cried, twisting in Alice’s arms to face him, though she still held a firm grip on my shoulders. "Controlling what the family says and does so that I don’t hear things you’d rather be kept quiet. And controlling my actions so I’m safe from every little thing under the sun. You want to control my becoming a vampire, because of a fear you have that I don’t even believe in! I can’t live like that!"

My tears broke out in full force with that last word. Alice held me closer, turning me back around towards her and resuming the soothing motions on my back while Edward floundered in my accusations.

"I’m not going to stop Carlisle turning you," he finally whispered painfully. It seemed to take every ounce of his strength to make that promise. "And if you accept my requirement, I won’t hold back from what _I_ agreed.”

"We have to get going," Alice put in so quickly that I knew she was attempting to prevent some other unfortunate words from escaping my mouth. Maybe that’s why she’d come and interrupted our argument. Something she had seen was bubbling up, ready to rear its ugly head, and she wanted to stop it in its tracks. But if we didn’t say this now, Heaven only knew what it might fester into later. More than ugly, it could turn absolutely disastrous.

"Not yet," I croaked out. "This is too important, Alice."

She said nothing in response, but sighed heavily. Edward swallowed hard in anticipation of what else I planned to say.

"If you keep this up, you’re going to push me too far, Edward," the words came in a strange mixture of fervency and calm, as though I’d been waiting to say them my whole life. "You’ve got to let me talk about things. I can’t live in confusion. I have to know what I’m getting myself into; to be informed of every consequence before I face it. Do you want me to be afraid?"

"If you’re afraid, then you shouldn’t choose it," he fervently interjected, features set in a pleading look that was very real and very intense. He truly didn’t want me to choose this life. He wanted me human. Well, that just wasn’t feasible.

"That depends on what I’m afraid of."

"What does it matter?" The bewilderment and incredulity in his voice proved just how lost he was. "If you’re afraid of it, you’re afraid of it."

"If I understood everything," I tried to remain calm in the face of Edward’s growing upset, but it was difficult. "If I knew what to expect, I wouldn’t be afraid of it. I could come to terms with whatever the consequences might be. But you won’t _let_ me. Face it, Edward. Carlisle will be turning me after graduation; that is my future. Do you really want to keep me so unenlightened that I’m scared of my own future?”

"It doesn’t have to be your future!" he nearly shouted, looking as incensed as I had ever seen him. "I don’t care that you’re human, how breakable you are, how enticing you smell! I love you for _you_. For Isabella Swan. Not for looks or species, but for your heart and your personality. Doesn’t _any_ of that mean _anything_ to you?”

"It means everything!" I cried back, tears falling heavier now in response to both his beautiful, wonderful feelings and to the accusation that I didn’t care what he felt. "But there are other things that mean just as much! Like your misery as you watch me grow old and get weaker as the years pass, the constant fear that I’m going to die thanks to Victoria or the Volturi, the never-ending stress of trying to keep me safe and whole, your family’s heartbreak if you were to go to Volterra at the end of my human life… You have to care about those things. You have to!"

"You mean more to me than the petty stress of protecting you," Edward confidently, if grimly, replied.

"Do I mean more to you than your family?" I raged shrilly, gob-smacked at the carelessness he was exhibiting towards the family who loved him. "Can you stand there and tell Alice that you don’t care how she would feel if you died? Esme would lose her son all over again. Carlisle would feel like a guilty failure and a monster because he couldn’t keep me alive and human for you. Do you even see how much Emmett is affected by nearly losing you? And you didn’t actually even die! I can’t imagine how he’d feel if you were truly gone. Jasper and Rosalie would be devastated too, you know they would. How _heartless_ can you be?”

The ensuing silence was so profound it could have been sliced open with a knife. Alice sat downheartedly, but at the same time hopefully. She was probably upset that her vision had come to fruition after all. That would explain her downheartedness. Her hopeful nature, however, I could not make sense of. What was turning out good from this?

Edward was so lost in the mess we were making that I wondered how he would ever come back out of it. He actually took a seat in the rocking chair, putting his head in his heads. Those long fingers worked their way through messy bronze locks, showcasing his desperation, misery, and frustration to anyone who cared to look. I wasn’t faring much better. My words were said, the hurt was done, and now I just wanted out before I completely broke down and took it all back. Seeing him like that broke me down almost to the point of no return. That would be so like me; to tell him to forget about it because I didn’t want him to hurt this much. But then what good would that do? We would go back to how we always were; his overprotective nature and single-minded devotion to me would forever be a wedge between us. No, I had to get out before I rescinded the words that Edward needed to hear.

"Bella, I care about everyone in my family," Edward choked out quietly, painfully, not looking up at me from his uncharacteristically slumped posture. Please don’t say anymore, I couldn’t help thinking. I needed out before the breakdown happened. "I would never _want_ to hurt them so deeply, but how could I live in a world without you in it? It would be… eternal torture. Hell would be a pleasure compared to that kind of existence. I… I don’t know what else I could do.”

"You won’t have to do anything," I fervently vowed, totally and completely sure of myself despite my shaky voice. "I won’t be dying. I’m going to be by your side forever. You won’t be able to go to Italy unless you’re dragging me along with you."

"You shouldn’t have to change for me," he forced out through gritted teeth. "It’s not worth your soul. _I’m_ not.”

"You’re more than worth it," I insisted furiously, shaking with the force of my emotions now. "Don’t you ever say that again! I love you and that’s all there is to it. You can’t make me change my mind. You tried once and it failed. I _have_ to be with you and I want it to be forever! Even if I didn’t want that… if my human death means you’re going to Volterra, then I’m going to do whatever it takes to _not_ _die_.”

He moaned as if in pain, pulling tightly on his hair in unrivaled agony, if I were to guess as to the emotion behind that action. I wanted to soothe it, but I knew nothing I could do would help with this particular problem. I, or more specifically my choice, was the problem, after all. I didn’t and couldn’t say anything more.

"We have to go," Alice spoke again after so long being silent; her tone serious and subdued and directed totally towards Edward. "Bella can’t miss classes today or word would get out. Things would go _very_ badly with Charlie… Think over all of this, Edward. Just think about what Bella has told you and how she feels. Don’t react so immediately. Give yourself some time to work through it all. For her sake.”

Edward looked up then, straight at me, every slight feeling in the depths of his eyes coming to the fore as he stared. My heart pounded harder, not because of his always-devastating beauty, but because of the unconscionable levels of pain he was feeling.

"Let me go," I breathed desperately before turning away from those eyes with a visible wince and pulling away from Alice. She let me go, but her eyes followed me sympathetically as I half ran through to the bathroom. Edward was hurting beyond my comprehension now, as the emotions flitting through his partially-darkened eyes vibrantly displayed. Why did I always have to hurt someone in order to get my point across?

In the bathroom, I splashed my features with water and toweled my face dry. It was all I had the energy to do. I was barely presentable, but at least the cold water had stilled my racing emotions; they were so off-balance that they matched my physical clumsiness. For several minutes, I just stood and took deep, calming breaths to prepare myself for the day ahead. Five and a half hours of sitting beside Edward in weighted silence, knowing that all the while he was hurting deeply and I could do nothing about it. I shook my head fiercely to get rid of the notion before it made me cry all over again.

Upon reentering the bedroom, I noted with equal sadness and relief that Edward had left. Relief because we had said things we shouldn’t have and I didn’t want to face any more of that. Sadness was more prevalent of the two emotions, however. How long would our distance last? Would lunch consist of Alice trying to engage me in conversations that I wasn’t all that happy to participate in, simply for the sake of appearing normal? I cringed internally at the very notion of it.

"He’s gone to get Jasper," Alice preempted my questions quietly, handing over a granola bar while shouldering my backpack. "Let me drive today."

"It’ll look strange if I’m not driving," I tried to protest weakly, but the feeling just wasn’t there. If I was being honest with myself, I would admit that I didn’t feel like driving after what had just taken place. Drained, ironic as it sounded, was the best word to describe how I felt.

"I’ve seen it," she half-smiled, but nowhere near enthusiastically, as we made our way downstairs at my speed. "It’ll be fine."

"What about the rest of the day?" I asked miserably. It couldn’t look well if I wasn’t talking with my boyfriend. Everyone at Forks High would notice that. And once word finally got around to Charlie, he’d be so pleased he’d jump for joy. I really didn’t need that right then.

"Jasper has a paper due in a couple of weeks," she explained confidently. "He’s going to ask Edward for ‘help’ on it. Edward will be preoccupied for the duration of lunch. You and I will talk during that time. No one will think anything of it."

"That’s lunch," I sighed, wiping my eyes wearily. "What about the other six hours of the day?"

"No one before lunch is going to notice yours and Edward’s distance," she informed me.

"And after?" I pressed her irritably.

"You’re not going to be there after lunch," she hesitantly informed me, and I completely understood that feeling. She had told us herself that I couldn’t miss any more classes or Charlie would lose it. Why was she insisting that I miss now?"

"Alice, I can’t miss any more class!" I told her loudly and incredulously, stopping abruptly before the front door. "Charlie will find out and he’ll go berserk! You said it yourself."

"I’m taking you up to Carlisle after lunch," Alice offered, looking me straight in the eye with overwhelming surety. "Charlie will understand if you tripped on the way to class. You and I just got a little too… spirited… in our conversation."

"But I can’t play that up." My persistence had to get through to her at some point. "I’m a terrible actress, remember? I’ll forget to pretend I’m limping or something."

"You won’t have to pretend." Her knowing words made me groan. "I’m sorry, Bella. I’d stop you when it happens, but it might be a useful thing, just this once. You and Edward need space at some point today. I don’t know how else to make that happen without everyone getting suspicious."

"Great," I grumbled in frustration as I followed her out the front door and locked it behind me, slouching in acceptance of my fate. It wasn’t as if tripping was so unusual for me, but I didn’t like it anymore than I ever had. Although, it had helped me get Carlisle out on a hunt this weekend, so maybe it wasn’t all bad.

Just mostly.

Our brief walk to my truck was quiet again, minus the sound of the old Chevy roaring to life as Alice turned the ignition. I wasn’t startled this time, after having driven yesterday morning. Alice was surprisingly gentle with the vehicle when she backed out of the driveway.

"Are you still blocking your thoughts?" I asked suddenly, remembering that Edward seemed to be getting her responses at the same time I had, not before. My thoughts had to be ruthlessly pushed down before I focused further on Edward’s reactions.

"Yes," she sighed exasperatedly. "It’s becoming frustrating, honestly, but I know it’s important to keep it up until everything’s taken care of."

"So, Edward doesn’t know anything that happens, unless we tell him or he’s there with us?"

"Or if he sees it through someone else’s thoughts." She frowned at the idea.

"Oh, yeah," I frowned as well. Luckily, no one else was able hear what Alice and myself were talking about just then. So this conversation, at least, would be kept secret.

"He hasn’t seen anything really big yet," she added, only a little smug at her success. "So don’t worry so much. And he knows I’m going to get you out early. I mentioned it when he left."

"So he won’t freak out and chase after my scent?" I couldn’t help asking with a fond, but sad, smile.

"No," she smiled the same way, though with perhaps a bit more mischief. Not as much as usual, but enough that I felt a little better.

The silver Volvo was empty when we pulled in next to it. Edward and Jasper leaned outside it as they had the previous day, but Edward’s face looked entirely morose. The change from yesterday made me sigh deeply.

"It will work out, Bella," Alice quietly reassured me with an understanding smile and a brief hug for me. "Please believe me."

"I do," I confessed honestly and got out of the passenger side of the truck with a little more confidence than before. Jasper met Alice up near the front our vehicles, and I felt a bit guilty for the honey-blond vampire’s strained, stressful look, as I passed around them and reluctantly up to Edward. In addition to that guilty feeling, trepidation built up in me. How would Edward react? Would he be too upset to be close to me as we headed inside?

Edward suddenly threw a look over my head, and I turned to find Jasper solidly sharing his gaze. Something passed through Jasper’s eyes that I could not name, but in my boyfriend’s eyes, I could see the sudden sadness and gentleness there. A second later, Edward turned his topaz eyes to me hesitantly. I bit my lip in anxiety, wondering what he was thinking just as much as he must have been wondering the same about me.

"May I?" he murmured lowly with a gesture towards my hand, quite a rare question from him nowadays and one that was usually unnecessary. It was all I needed to know that he was just as afraid as I was of where our argument was taking our relationship. Yet Alice’s words of reassurance fluttered into my mind. My best friend wasn’t just making false promises to cheer me up; there had been real confidence in her voice. Sadness, yes, but surety as well. That simple fact bolstered my courage. One of us had to make a move toward reconciliation if we were ever going to move past our differences.

Instead of answering his question, I moved in slowly and tentatively to wrap my arms around Edward’s waist, eyes never leaving his bedazzling pools of gold. He had plenty of time to pull away if he wished, but to my relief he did nothing of the sort. The tension in his granite body, while not entirely deflated, loosened somewhat and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders to lead me into the school. It was a beginning.

Almost five hours later, I concluded that it was lucky Edward and I had actually made our first concession back in the parking lot. Uncomfortable was hardly even the proper word for what we felt as our classes wore on. At least there was no need for us to make up conversation, since every class was taken up with lecture.

Whatever tension had left Edward’s form this morning was back tenfold by the time lunch came around. Who knew what kind of thoughts were raging through his head, whether his own or everyone else’s. Thankfully, no one noticed the twin sighs of relief and discomfort we two released at the end of fourth period.

Alice and Jasper were waiting outside when Edward and I dredged our unhappy selves out. The pixielike vampire looked more cheerful, but slightly apprehensive, and Jasper had his paper in hand.

"Alice," Edward nodded at his sister in acknowledgement and gave my hand a brief squeeze, then took off ahead of us with his brother to move fluidly into discussion of the assignment that Jasper didn’t actually need any help with.

Tiny Alice wrapped her arm through mine, pulling me forward to the exterior doors, and whispered by my ear, “Sorry I couldn’t get you out for every class. I know that was hard.”

"It’s not your fault," I mumbled back. We headed to the cafeteria at a very leisurely human gate so as to allow the ‘boys’ distance. "But it _was_ hard.”

"I’m sorry about after lunch, too," she apologized again, rather out of character for her, but I suspected the uncomfortable day was troubling even her.

"It’s fine," I sighed quietly, wary of Jessica and Lauren who were chatting about ten feet ahead of us. "Forget it, okay? It’ll be good to see how Carlisle’s doing, anyway. Not that I’ll like what I see…"

Alice took it for the question it was, lowering her voice so that it almost didn’t reach me as we passed near Jessica and Lauren. “No, you probably won’t at first, but you need a good, firm shoulder to cry on. Carlisle is just the ticket. By the way, you’re going to be his last appointment today. Bailey was so affected by your threat and so impressed by Carlisle’s reaction, that he shortened Carlisle’s hours all this month and gave him weekends off.”

"At least that gives plenty of time for hunting trips, if it becomes necessary," I responded as we headed in through the cafeteria doors, a mild frown on my face.

"Yes, that’s true," Alice agreed, looking pensive. "Though I hope this weekend is the only one he needs for another two weeks."

"That makes two of us."

The rest of our conversation during lunch was taken up by far less important topics, our mutual attempt to ease up on our worries for just a little while. It would probably have worked, had Edward not still retained a morose look on his features that drove me to the same levels of anxiety for the first ten minutes of the lunch period. At that point, I wasted no time in following whatever directions and cues that the other three vampires gave to me. Edward and Jasper stood early from the table, only about ten minutes into the lunch period, taking their discussion of Japer’s assignment to the library for a ‘more peaceful atmosphere’ as they claimed. Alice and I then remained for another five minutes, if I had it timed correctly, before she led me to throw away my food. Feeling rather vampire-like, since I had touched nothing on my tray (indeed, I had not even opened anything), I followed her outside again.

"I’m going to skip a bit ahead of you," my raven-haired friend whispered to me when we neared the edge of the grass near the parking lot. "Call out for me to slow down and then try to catch up."

I exhaled on a heavy sigh and immediately took a very big breath in preparation for my fated fall. Once I appeared to be ready, Alice literally skipped off before me across the grounds.

Dreading it, but knowing it would be a good thing in the end, I called out as exasperatedly playful as I could manage, “C’mon, Alice, slow down!”

Her trilling laughter made me smile in spite of myself as I walked forward onto the pavement of the parking lot.

* * *

 


	13. Sincere

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

> **Chapter 13: Sincere**

It took all of four-and-a-half jogging steps across the parking lot for me to fall flat on my back, feeling every ache that had attacked me in the parking lot of the Newtons’ store on Saturday, only increased tenfold. The smile on my face instantly disappeared into some black hole.

"Bella?" Alice cried out to me from a little ways away, panic clear in her voice. Had it gone worse than she’d envisioned?

Her quick little pitter-pat steps rushed over to where I still lay, groaning for all the good it would do. Spiky black hair at last came into my vision, quickly followed by Alice’s perky features drawn into something strongly resembling apology. I just rolled my eyes at her, which made her flash a quick show of perfect white teeth at me before furrowing her brows in the natural anxiety everyone would expect in our situation. When a set of quickly approaching steps finally invaded my hearing, I knew why.

"Wow, Bella." Mike Newton’s voice was unwelcome and judging by the look on her face, Alice didn’t seem any more pleased by the boy’s appearance on the scene than I did. "You okay? That was a pretty bad fall. Maybe you need to go to the nurse or something."

"I’m fine," I not so subtly infused my voice with irritation, but the blue-eyed boy apparently was not fazed by my annoyance as he crouched near me.

"You don’t look fine," Mike countered before Alice could say anything. "Shouldn’t Edward be hovering over you or something?"

I, myself, briefly wondered what Edward was doing. Of course, my wonderings included whether or not he was in a tree spying on us, but Mike didn’t need to know that.

"He’s probably in the classroom by now," Jasper’s voice took me by surprise when he walked over to us. "He thought Bella would already be there, so he went straight on from the library."

"Weren’t  _you_  going to class?” Mike asked suspiciously, though he avoided Jasper’s darkening gaze. I didn’t, however, and I was able to notice the concentration which the Texan vampire focused on Mike all of sudden.

"I was working on my paper and lost track of time." Jasper was obviously being very cautious not to growl at the blue-eyed boy for his nosiness. "I was heading to my class when I saw Bella fall."

"Oh," Mike easily accepted, much easier than was normal for him, and rapidly refocused on me. "Bella, maybe you should go to the hospital."

"I hate hospitals," I threw in for good measure. Jasper chuckled from beside me, knowing only too keenly how little I was actually resistant to the idea just then. I attempted unsuccessfully to raise myself from the ground, all the same. With a groan, I dropped back onto the pavement. That hurt, too. Alice’s hands fluttered helplessly over me in response.

"Are you okay?" Alice acted so perfectly panicked, checking me for injuries, that I would have laughed if it wasn’t so inappropriate and impossible. At that precise moment, my body was screaming in protest at even breathing, let alone laughing.

"Peachy," I answered her sarcastically.

"You sure don’t seem it." Jasper’s Texan accent was more prominent than I remembered it being, and I wondered if concern was the reason for it. He sounded very unhappy by my predicament. His eyes were riveted to my hands, and for one absurd moment I thought I was bleeding, but an uncomfortable look at my hands revealed no such thing. What they did reveal, was the pain and tension I was actually under just then. My knuckles were completely white; thanks to how hard I was clenching my fists. True concern eclipsed Alice’s face when she saw it.

"I’ll get the car and call Charlie to let him know," Alice said decisively, dashing off across the parking lot. I had the feeling that this explanation was only to keep Mike from going off to get a member of the school staff to help us.

While we waited for Alice to come back with the car, one slightly wrong movement made we groan abruptly in discomfort for about the tenth time. It led Mike to move forward and reach out an arm towards me. What he planned to do, I didn’t know; I made Jasper’s knee into my leaning post before Mike could touch me. The southern vampire was very stiff, highly uncomfortable no doubt, but he allowed the contact and even helped me stay upright with an arm around my shoulders.

The dark look he suddenly gave Mike made me think it was a little more than just a steadying arm. Perhaps protective was a better word. I didn’t want to know what Mike was feeling that would cause that kind of reaction in Jasper. No matter what, Mike’s rapid plan to back away was welcome.

It didn’t stop him from talking, though. “I could take you up to the hospital, Bella. It’s really no problem. My car is just three down from here and I’m not worried about missing the last two classes.”

I stared at him in agitated surprise. Did he actually think I was going to go with him, over going with Alice? Mike was seriously deluded, sometimes.

"Alice will pull around," Jasper interrupted before I could speak, nearly growling out the words. No sooner had he said the words than we could hear the sudden starting of an engine across the lot. It was definitely the Volvo. My truck wasn’t that quiet.

The silver car slid to a smooth stop beside us and I could see Alice inside the car, still on the phone. “Charlie.” Alice popped out of the driver’s side of the Volvo, cell phone in hand, offering it up (or down, in this instance) to me.

"Ugh," I groaned in discomfort. Why couldn’t I just get to the hospital already? Everything hurt now and my spine was making its appearance known very vividly. Alice hesitated. Jasper seemed to get the hint, too, for he started to help me gently off of the ground. He made it look more difficult than it really was for him. Mike seemed to take the hint that he wasn’t needed, but hovered in the background all the same.

"She’s feeling kind of bad, Charlie," Alice spoke into the cell, eyeing me concernedly as her husband half-carried me to the passenger side of the car. I was grateful for the exceedingly cautious movements that Jasper was making, although honestly it didn’t matter much. Every time I put a foot down, it seemed to send a pain somewhere in me. "…Yes, okay… Yes, I’ll have him call you…. Oh, I’ll stay with her–"

She paused abruptly at something Charlie said and I could just make out what she was saying from the passenger seat, where Jasper had set me down. “In about twenty minutes, why?… Oh… No, he’d be happy to keep an eye on her until then, but I could… Well, yes, I do, but… Okay, then… All right… I’m sure it’ll be okay with him… Bye, Charlie.”

My confusion ratcheted up about ten notches by the time she was through talking to Charlie and got into the driver’s seat again. Mike jogged up to the door where Jasper was crouched beside me, inserting his unnecessary opinion once again.

"Sure you don’t need anything?" he asked a little too eagerly. "I could explain to the teachers or to Ms. Cope?"

"Jasper has it covered," I quickly cut him off. "Thanks, Mike." Besides, Jasper’s ability would be very helpful with the red-haired secretary.

"Okay," he mumbled disappointedly, slouching. "Feel better, Bella."

"Yeah," I mumbled back and was more than relieved as he walked away.

"Ugh, let’s go," Alice fairly burst once Mike was far enough away, rolling her eyes and gently reaching over to buckle my seat belt for me. "How annoying."

"Jasper." I just barely caught his arm before he could leave, too. He looked at me curiously and passed a wave of calm into me to combat my nerves. "Would you tell Edward…"

But what could I say that Jasper wouldn’t already have shown through his thoughts. That, in and of itself, gave me an idea, though.

"I’m sorry, but I had to say it," I whispered, ignoring the aches in my body as best I could. "I didn’t want to hurt him. I just want him to understand what I need. It doesn’t mean I love him any less."

"He knows," Alice distantly told me, eyes coming back into focus slowly. "He heard Jasper’s thoughts."

"Good." I felt some relief at that.

"I’ll just talk to Ms. Cope, then," Jasper murmured understandingly, but clearly hopeful that he could get out of the proximity to my scent, and shut the door. He passed Alice’s window to give her a peck on the lips and then Alice took off at her normal speeds, leaving Jasper standing in the parking lot staring after us.

"I’m so sorry, Bella," Alice sighed heavily when she pulled onto the main street. "That was a bit worse than I thought it would be. And Mike wasn’t originally meant to be there. His decision to cross that particular part of the school grounds was very last minute."

"Forget about it," I sighed and groaned all at once, bringing Alice’s worried eyes to my face. "Things happen. At least you didn’t just push me without any warning. I wouldn’t have liked that very much. Anyway, maybe I was too enthusiastic about following your instructions."

She laughed genuinely. “Maybe you were.”

"What was all that with Charlie?" I asked quietly, lacking the energy to speak any louder.

"He didn’t want me missing class to stay with you," she rolled her eyes again. "Or ignoring my homework after school gets out. I couldn’t exactly tell him that the work would only take a few minutes thanks to my superhuman speed."

"True," I agreed, "but what about the rest? Who’s the guy you were talking about?"

"Carlisle," she laughed suddenly. "Charlie asked when Carlisle got out of work and I told him fifteen minutes, which is completely true. Since you’re the one who’ll be spending those fifteen minutes with Carlisle and Charlie didn’t want you to be alone for the next several hours, he asked if Carlisle could keep an eye on you at your house. He’s pretty worried about you getting hurt just now, so he sees Carlisle as the best choice. Really, this works out even better than I hoped it would."

Alice smiled happily at this information. “You’ll have plenty of time to talk things over at your house.”

As we pulled up to the hospital a minute later, I was far less worried about how well Alice’s vision was going. I had resorted to closing my eyes against the aching I felt. My eyes fluttered back open again when I heard the click of the door handle being pulled. The car had stopped so quietly that I didn’t even notice it. Alice was outside already, having been the one to open the door. A moment later, her perky features came into view as she crouched beside my seat, a sympathetic smile on her face.

"Carlisle’s coming down the hall now," she assured me and helped me out of the car as gently as she could, wrapping my arm around her stone neck. "I called him just before I called Charlie."

"Good," I sighed in relief. "Maybe he can just numb everything. That would simplify matters."

"He’s definitely not going to numb everything," Alice rolled her eyes at me. "You’ll be surprised how quickly the pain starts to lessen."

"So you saw that, too?"

"Ibuprofen works wonders," she cheerily – albeit quietly – answered as we passed through the main hospital doors. "You’ll feel mostly okay by the time Carlisle gets you back to your house."

My reply was cut off by Carlisle’s smooth voice, “I’d hoped you wouldn’t need to come back here after this weekend.” The golden-blond doctor crossed the lobby with a mildly exasperated smile lighting his features.

"You know me." I cracked a smile at him. "Always one foot in the E.R."

He sighed in amusement and exasperation. “I’ll probably be taking x-rays, but I doubt you need to be in the E.R.”

With that he reached for me, holding me up within the circle of his arms. I flushed in embarrassment at the stare of a woman who was walking out the main doors at that exact moment. Her look was far from concerned. If anything, it was downright mutinous. I wasn’t sure why, but I guessed she hated the idea that I was lucky enough to be held in any way by Carlisle.

"I’ll come over tonight," Alice told me quietly, but with a conspiratorial smile and headed to the main doors.

"See you," I offered quietly. Carlisle helped me further into the lobby and the sound of squealing tires rang out from the parking lot not a minute later. The nurse that passed us on our way through the halls was unfamiliar, but at the sight of me being held by Dr. Cullen, she looked equally as self-righteous as the woman who’d left a moment earlier. My cheeks turned a healthy red color at the attention and Carlisle made an amused sound in too low of a range for me to hear. If I hadn’t been leaning against his side and felt the slight vibrations of his laughter, it probably would have been lost on me completely.

"Considerate, are they not?" he chuckled just above my ear. The red in my cheeks began to fade very slowly as his humor eased my self-conscious anxieties.

"Perfect sweethearts," I muttered with only mild sarcasm. Mostly, I was amused by his description as he led me into an exam room and closed the door behind us.

"They’re not all bad," he offered kindly to the predatory women that he worked with, easily yet gently lifting me up onto the paper-covered bed without any aid from me. The movement sent me wincing at the pain in my lower back.

"Amy is nice enough," I was able to admit through partially gritted teeth. She had never seemed all that interested in Carlisle, except for the fact that he was a skilled doctor and a kind colleague. Granted, she looked a little flustered if her caught her unawares, but never pressed any offers or anything like that. The other nurses had no compunction whatsoever in that arena. "Especially since she’s the rare nurse who doesn’t chomp at the bit to get the romantic attentions of a surgeon I know."

"She’s married with two children," he laughed.

"So it only matters if  _they’re_  married? No matter if you are or not?”

"That is the way their thoughts usually proceed, if Edward is to be believed," he smiled wryly at me and turned away to search out something in the room’s basic white cabinets. I tried to smile without looking pinched. Not only did the sudden mention of Edward take a hit on my mood, but I abruptly realized something I should have thought of a bit earlier.

Carlisle would have to examine my back and arms for injuries from my fall. And those same areas were rife with the blue and purple marks left over from Sunday night, when I panicked about the Solimena painting. If there was one thing I didn’t want him looking at, it was those marks. No doubt he still felt guilty, thanks to Edward’s tantrum over the phone and near-confrontation.

"Bella?"

I was startled by the voice of gentle concern. Looking up, I found Carlisle’s brows tight with worry just a foot away from me, a gown setting on his palm for me to take. I groaned mentally at the thought of wearing the hated backless garment. But he would unfortunately have to see my back and the gown was more accessible than just holding up my shirt.

"Do you feel dizzy? Or nauseous?"

"No," I mumbled, looking down at my knees nervously. Glancing back up through my lashes tentatively, I took notice of his frown. Much debate must have been filling his mind as to whether or not he should press the issue. Nevertheless, he eventually handed the gown over without further questioning.

"Call for me when you’ve changed," he said suspiciously, stepping outside momentarily. The process of pulling off my dark blue knit shirt and slipping into the slightly scratchy fabric of the hospital gown was slow and aching, leaving me a little more time to think of what I could possibly say to Carlisle to ease his guilt about the bruises. Absently, I wondered if he was listening to my fidgeting very closely.

Finally the backless garment was on, still too quickly to come up with anything significant to say, and I decided I could only do my best to convince him he was not at fault. It was the simple truth.

"Carlisle," I called in a quiet, nervous voice and he immediately stepped into the room again, still with the concerned look on his face.

"Something is troubling you," he implored softly as he pulled on a pair of gloves and stepped over to me. I didn’t reply, seeing as he would recognize the trouble as soon as he faced my skin. Sighing quietly at my continued silence, the gentle vampire gestured for me to turn so he could examine my back. I made sure to look over my shoulder, to take careful stock of the reaction on his golden features.

Just as I expected, the face that Carlisle made upon seeing the fading bruises was completely guilt-ridden. He hid it so quickly, knowing I was watching him, that it practically seemed a figment of my imagination. If I didn’t know him as well as I did after this weekend, I might actually have believed it was. Before he could pull away from his supposedly calm examination of the bruises on my shoulder blades, I reached for his gloved hand over my shoulder, keeping as firm a grasp on his hand as I was able. His darkened eyes met mine in an instant, filled with anger and frustration. Taken aback though I was at first, it was followed by the swift understanding that he was feeling that way towards himself and not towards me.

"It’s not your fault," I said softly.

He huffed wordlessly, turning stiffly away from me even as he gently removed his hand from my weak human grasp. The subject of Sunday night and Monday morning clearly remained very touchy with him; much more so than it was with me. Now, I just had to find the words that could quell his guilt and anxieties.

"I would like to take x-rays," he said tightly, outright ignoring my remark. "Bring your shirt. We won’t come back to this room."

I nodded while reaching for my shirt, although he was obviously not looking at me. I flinched as he nearly tore off his gloves and threw them angrily into the dark metal trash can. If they hadn’t been mere latex, the small projectile might have put a hole in the can for all the violence with which Carlisle threw it. After watching the unusually violent display of the typically-gentle vampire’s emotions, I decided that silence was the best option until he cooled down. My silence was not the only one. On our way to get my x-rays taken, not even the most flirtatious nurses offered a passing comment. Dr. Cullen’s six-foot-two frame appeared vastly more imposing what with how stiffly he was moving. In spite of that, his aid for me conveyed the same gentleness he always used.

Fortunately, when Carlisle looked over the x-rays, there was absolutely nothing even remotely broken or fractured in my back. Another silent walk followed, this time back to Carlisle’s office. He waited outside for me, and I couldn’t have expressed any more gratitude for being able to change into my own shirt once again. On his reentry, he picked out a mild ointment for my bruises and standard ibuprofen for my hurting muscles, but retained the silence other than to briefly explain dosage and application.

The ibuprofen worked enough to keep me from wincing; from my aching back, anyway. I did wince minutely the one time I peeked at Carlisle’s hard face. His dark eyes caught the motion rapidly, giving the golden vampire pause enough to attempt reigning in his feelings about the painting incident. By the time we pulled into Charlie’s driveway, Carlisle was back to normal for all intensive purposes. To my mixed relief and regret, no hint of his earlier self-reproach was evident in his features as he escorted me in the house.

Not a moment after settling me in, the blond-haired vampire disappeared into the kitchen, saying nothing as to his intentions.

"I hate falling," I commented casually from my place on the sofa, wondering what on earth Carlisle was doing in the aforementioned room. Trust was not an issue; I was simply curious. I had already taken the pills, so he wasn’t getting me any water for that.

Chuckling reached me in reaction to my words. “You must grow very tired of it after this many times,” Carlisle remarked.

"Hilarious," I grumbled to myself, crossing my arms and scowling at nothing.

I was startled by Carlisle’s voice directly beside the couch, “Not particularly.”

A sharp retort almost fell from my lips, but upon seeing a plate and a glass of milk in his hands I shut up instantly. Food would be good.

"Alice said you didn’t touch your lunch," he explained, setting the milk on the coffee table and the plate in my hands. My cheeks turned pink. Here I was complaining to myself and all the while he’d been making me something to eat.

"Thanks." My gratitude was entirely sincere.

"You’re welcome." He half-smiled at my inexplicable blush, taking a seat beside me and pulling out his cell phone. "Now, I had best call your father."

In spite of the lunch sitting in my hands, I instead focused on Carlisle’s conversation. He looked unhappy that I wasn’t eating, but seemed to ignore his doctoring conscience momentarily. “Chief Swan, please,” he spoke very professionally into the receiver. The deputy must have asked who was calling, since Carlisle answered with, “…Dr. Cullen.”

There was a longer pause during which Carlisle directed authoritatively at my uneaten food, and I decided to give in and start eating. Then Charlie must have answered, for Carlisle replied, “Good afternoon, Chief… Please, call me Carlisle.”

Another pause, this one very brief, filled Carlisle’s end of the conversation.

"Charlie, then," the doctor then acceded with a slight smile. "…Bella is quite well; just a little bruised from the fall. She may have some aches and pains for the next two or three days, but nothing a couple of ibuprofen couldn’t cure… Yes, we just arrived several minutes ago. I apologize for not calling immediately, but I wanted to make certain Bella ate… No, no, she’s not ill… Why don’t you speak with her?"

My glare wasn’t nearly as potent as I wanted it to be when Carlisle handed the phone off to me. His features were very placid, but his still-darkened eyes sparkled with a tiny bit of humor at my expression as I answered Charlie, “Hey dad…”

It might have taken all afternoon to convince my dad that I wasn’t sick, if not because of something Charlie suddenly wanted to ask Carlisle. I was very grateful to return the phone to him after only two minutes with the chief.

"Charlie," Carlisle prompted. "…Of course I don’t mind. Bella is never any trouble…."

I almost laughed out loud at that, but at seeing my face ready to split from the motion, Carlisle cautioned me to silence with a mild grin on his face.

"…No, Alice will not ignore her homework to visit Bella. Esme and I have always ensured that all the children finish their work before they go out anywhere."

A sigh escaped me as I realized just why Charlie was ensuring Alice did her homework before coming over. He wasn’t so much concerned with Alice, as he was with Edward. Charlie certainly didn’t want Edward here, spending time with me, without his personal supervision.

Abruptly, the reason for my fall and for Carlisle bringing me home hit me full force. Thinking of Edward was an unwelcome reminder of the things that were wrong in my life at the moment. The situation only brought me down. I slowly set the half-eaten sandwich in my hand back down on the plate as the realization washed over me, appetite completely lost.

"You’re very welcome, Charlie," Carlisle remarked and the distraction in his tone was obvious. I could feel his gaze on the side of my face, but did not turn to acknowledge it as he ended the call, "Good afternoon."

All was silent in the house over the span of what felt like hours, but could only have been seconds. Eyes continued to be trained on my face while I sat unresponsive, mind still brewing over this morning’s encounter and the stiff distance between Edward and me during classes.

"Do you truly feel well, Bella?" Carlisle asked carefully, gently; understanding as always. His mood had certainly improved over the last twenty minutes or so.

"I’m fine," I mumbled quietly, now looking down at the plate on my legs and absently tearing the crust off of the bread in extremely tiny pieces, more as a way to delay this talk than to encourage it.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

I just shrugged half-heartedly. Alice had been happy that I would be able to talk this out with someone, but she didn’t say it would be easy. It certainly wasn’t, even after I had already told Carlisle my troubles with Edward. Although, at the time, I hadn’t told him my worst trouble yet. Carlisle still had no idea of my worries over Edward’s controlling behavior. He must have known of the behavior, but really he could do nothing. Edward was an unpredictable force when it came to keeping me safe, human, and relatively happy.

"Bella, something is clearly bothering you," he pressed kindly, but with an edge of insistence to it. "Please talk to me."

"It’s Edward," I burst finally, clapping a hand over my mouth in surprise of myself. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but my mind and my mouth didn’t want to work together apparently.

"Edward?" Carlisle appeared to be confused by that answer and his brow crinkled in thought. "He seemed very happy before heading to your house last night."

"He was… last night," I confessed sadly, unable to stop the guilt from creeping in. Edward was happy last night. I ruined that this morning, the guilty side of my brain told me. But the stubborn side of me debated that Edward had to see sense or we would flounder. "He… we sort of… argued this morning."

"I’m sorry to hear that," he sighed, pulling his fingers through golden-blond hair in a thoughtful manner. "Was it because of your nightmare?"

I stumbled over the word, “N-No.”

A pause ensued in which I bit my lip nervously, awaiting Carlisle’s response. He, in turn, awaited further explanation from me. When I did not expound upon the topic, he sighed.

"And you don’t want to talk about it," he surmised unhappily. The discomfort I was obviously experiencing was probably the cause of that. If the Cullens’ compassionate leader hated anything so badly, it was knowing that a person needed something to heal, but he was unable to get them to allow it.

"Not exactly," I sighed just as unhappily. Hesitation was my most prominent reaction to discussing the earlier confrontation with Edward. I knew I would begin to feel incredibly upset about it, even as much as I understood its importance. Furthermore, it wasn’t hard to guess that Carlisle would be hurt by the reason for the argument. It was, after all, Carlisle’s storytelling we had been arguing over at first; that had really jumpstarted the entire situation this morning. "I just… It’s really difficult to talk about. And I don’t want any of it to hurt you."

"Don’t worry so much over me, Bella." Carlisle reached over to lay his hand across mine reassuringly, though his face took a darker turn. "I will handle it. Whatever it is you think might hurt me, I can take it. Just please don’t hold this in any more. It is clearly disturbing you."

That was certainly easy to admit to. “Yes, it is.”

I couldn’t see a way to get this out of my system with anyone else. And I could think of no way to explain it without alerting Carlisle to Edward’s upset with him. The matter was quickly settled. I would have to do as Alice foresaw.

"Get it off your chest," he counseled me understandingly, taking my plate and setting it aside. "What did the two of you argue about?"

"A few things," I haltingly began to tell him. "About him and me… and our differing views."

As if that wasn’t obvious, I thought sarcastically.

"You discussed being turned?" The tone of Carlisle’s voice became grave; he understood the likely consequences of such a discussion as well as I.

"Um, yeah," I answered near silently. Yes, after quite a shouting match about Carlisle’s feelings and his family’s freedom to talk with me, Edward and I finally discussed my being turned. And what I’d said to him still made my heart hurt.

"Do you regret discussing it?" He tried to understand my hesitation.

"No," I said with certainty. That much I was very confident of; I did not regret making my feelings known. "It’s just that… in doing so, I hurt Edward. Even if it needed to happen, I hate that he’s been hurt by it. I said some things that cut him pretty deeply."

"He’s known about your choice for a while now." Carlisle reached for my hand again, somehow sensing my increasingly bleak mood, and gently prodded the conversation so that he could understand what happened. "Even before you were given the chance to actually make it, he knew what your choice would be. That wouldn’t truly surprise him, would it?"

"It’s not that," I said. I realized that I wasn’t exactly telling Carlisle anything significant, just my feelings about it.

"He’s just so stubborn!" I shouted all of sudden, startling Carlisle slightly. "He thinks that he’s protecting me, but all he’s doing is controlling what I do and say and hear and see. I tried to tell him, tried to explain my view, but he only believed that his way was the right way… I asked him if he was going to force me to a natural human death."

A sharp intake of breath indicated Carlisle’s shock upon my admission. “Bella!”

"Edward was so adamant about me staying human," I weakly replied. "More so than he has been in weeks! And he’s so overprotective, trying to keep my life perfectly safe at every last moment. If he’s willing to leave his own family for months and kill himself over me, then why wouldn’t he be capable of that?"

"You accused him of being capable of  _killing_ you?” Carlisle incredulously answered me, eyes wide. “His single greatest fear?”

To say I was stunned would be an absolute understatement. Yes, I had understood the phrasing of my question when I’d said it to Edward. I had truly wondered if he would ensure I died as a human no matter what. However, I did not think he would do it maliciously with the intent to get rid of me or to hurt me, such as the term ‘killing’ suggested, but with the intent to save my soul from a fate he did not want me to face. The subtle difference of interpretation that Carlisle now presented to me sent a jolt of stress and worry through my body. Edward, being the brooding, pessimistic person he was, would most likely see that particular interpretation most clearly. Poor Edward would think one thing… that I believed he would drink my blood in order to keep me human in death.

To think that I had unintentionally accused Edward of the one thing I told him he was incapable of ever doing! Horror crept onto my face as the realization dawned on me. Carlisle was immediately concerned, yet oddly a sigh of relief flew from his lips at the same time.

"You didn’t realize that it could be interpreted in quite that way, did you?" he asked me very, very gently.

I just shook my head negatively with growing wetness in my eyes, but as I remembered the awful look on Edward’s features after I’d asked that question, a choked cry escaped my lips, “His face, Carlisle, his face! The way he looked when I said it! He must have thought that’s what I meant!”

Carlisle instantly reached for me, and I no longer felt any hesitation when putting myself in the safety of his cold arms as tears fell from my eyes. This was something that emotionally-inhibited Charlie could never do for me; he could never hold me close, rock me in his embrace, and softly whisper words of reassurance. Carlisle, however, had the ability to be an incredibly soothing and gentle figure of authority and trust. I honestly didn’t know how I would have made it through the past year without his presence. Not only had he helped me recently with my many emotional disturbances, but he had been the fairest person of the entire Cullen family in regards to my entering their world in the first place.

"Edward will understand why you said what you did," Carlisle wisely counseled me. "Alice will certainly clear up any misunderstanding once they’re home today. Try not to worry, Bella."

His encouragement helped to soothe me enough that I stopped crying, but the anxiety would not completely leave me for some time, I suspected. Pulling away from Carlisle, I wiped my eyes dry, though they were definitely red by now.

"Thanks." I smiled a slightly shaky smile which the golden vampire only lightly returned.

"Was this how your disagreement started?" Carlisle prompted me quietly, keeping a supportive hand on my shoulder.

"No." I became quiet again.

"How, then?" he tentatively pushed me for more information, squeezing my hand comfortingly.

"I said some things in my sleep," the confession escaped me with a slight wince and an odd measure of relief that I finally was spilling this to someone who was totally on my side in spite of Edward’s views. Still, I could barely look up at Carlisle’s young, godlike face as comprehension dawned clear in his dark eyes. "Edward heard me talk about Esme’s human life. I’m not sure what, exactly, but it was enough to clue him into the fact that I knew more than he wanted. He asked me how I knew so much of Esme’s past. I sort of flubbed and said I didn’t know much of anything."

"And his reaction?" Carlisle tried unsuccessfully to control the forefront of his emotions with a deep breath or two. The feelings were displayed quite vividly across his features all the same; deep sadness, powerful worry, the barest hint of regret, and mild panic. The last sobered me even further.

"He obviously didn’t believe me," I said with another sigh. "But he didn’t press it."

"What?" Carlisle interrupted in shock. I could guess what kind of reaction he’d been expecting to hear about. "He said nothing more on it?"

I almost didn’t have the heart to continue telling him the truth when he was just starting to look pleased, but I continued staunchly, “After a minute, he wanted to know if I’d asked you about your scarves.”

In the wink of an eye, the golden vampire’s features dropped into the same four emotions he had originally felt. Carlisle plainly realized the exact direction that our argument had gone, just by that question.

"He knows that I’ve told you some of the darker aspects of our family history." Carlisle took in a deep breath, warring with the urge to worry endlessly over this predicament. "I suppose I should have expected it at some point."

"Why did he say that about your scarves, though?" I was still confused why that was considered such a revealing subject. "That’s not exactly some big, dark secret is it?"

"Not on the surface," he sighed quietly, "but my reason for wearing them is a little depressing in some lights. It frequently leads to darker topics, as well. And to make things worse, to Edward, the choice to hide my scars is a symbol of how horrible this existence is."

"Does everything with Edward have to have a black cloud hovering over it?" I huffed, frustrated.

"His general belief is that life holds great darkness and sadness," Carlisle sighed much more deeply this time. "It is quite probably rooted in his black-and-white view of the world. There are no gray areas for Edward, no compromise."

"I’m beginning to see that." A dark scowl lined my face at the thought.

"Well, it is not hard to guess what Edward became angry about," Carlisle sat back resignedly and rubbed his eyes in a very human gesture of fatigue. "Did he mention his rebellious years?"

"Yes," I nodded wearily. "I told him that I  _asked_  you about it; that you didn’t just start spewing whatever came to mind.”

"Then he is very angry with me… again?" Some wry humor graced the smooth voice, in addition to the sadness, but I couldn’t see what was amusing about this.

"I guess," I confessed, "but he may be a little less frantic about it now. After my outburst, I think Edward’s more concerned with our relationship."

"I admit to some confusion, still," Carlisle frowned then. "What were  _you_  angry about at first? What originally caused you to become so upset with Edward?”

"Oh." I knew what my reason was, but Carlisle was probably going to be a touch unhappy about the side I had taken in the argument. "Edward was getting so mad about it that he might have confronted you. I didn’t want him to yell at you, so… I yelled at  _him_.”

"Bella," Carlisle laid his head back against the couch, sighing. "Why argue over me? Perhaps he needed to get it off his chest, just as you are doing now."

"No, he didn’t," I argued fiercely, knowing Edward well enough to understand better than that. "What he  _needed_  was to let it go. Instead, he  _wanted_  to throw another tantrum. I wasn’t about to let him do that. Look at how it affected you on Monday morning.”

"Maybe I deserved it." The soft words caught my attention with ease.

Carlisle was certainly still blaming himself. For my panic attack and the nightmare that I had. When would these Cullen men stop the guilt trips? It was ridiculous.

"Oh, not again!" I exclaimed loudly, making a sound of utmost frustration that was closer to a growl than anything else and ripping fingers through my messy hair in a jerky fashion. "When will you get it through your head that it was not your fault? Quit doing this to yourself! If what happened on Sunday was anyone’s fault, it was the… V… Volturi."

The name took every effort to pronounce without flinching, but I prided myself on doing so.

"For giving you such evil memories, yes," he agreed softly, looking into my eyes with much hesitation, "but it was thoughtless of me to let you see such an obvious reminder of what occurred in Volterra."

"It was not!" I returned with furrowed brows, my obstinacy raring up. "You couldn’t have known that I would react like that. No one could have. Even Alice couldn’t see it coming."

"How difficult can it be to imagine such a scenario?" he scoffed, mostly at himself. "I’ve worked with enough cases of shock and mental repression to know better, especially with my own family. It was, indeed, thoughtless of me."

"It’s just as thoughtless of  _me_ ,” the thought came suddenly to my mind. Carlisle whipped around to look at me in outrage, momentarily forgetting to move at a human speed. I cut him off before he could dismiss the idea. “I should have remembered that the painting was there. I knew that it was in your office. I’ve certainly seen it enough times already. I knew exactly where it was, even. Why didn’t I stop before I got to it? There have been plenty of nightmares. I shudder whenever I think the name… All that should have clued me in that I was going to react badly to seeing their faces again.”

"It does not matter that you knew the layout of the office," Carlisle exhaled sharply. "It is my office and my portrait. And you were my responsibility for the weekend. I should have been looking out for your wellbeing."

"What if it had been Edward there with me?" I challenged him defiantly. "Would he have thought to keep me away from that painting?"

The words were a demand, or as much of one as I could make to an indestructible vampire.

"He may have," Carlisle hedged, clearly a little stuck by the theoretical situation I had placed before him.

"Oh, he  _may_ have…” I mocked with a scowl. “No, he most certainly would  _not_  have thought to. No one would have because no one would have expected it. Besides, if Edward had been telling me the truth about Cullen history from the beginning, I wouldn’t have been asking you so many stupid questions about it. Then again, if Edward had been telling me all those things, he might never have left in the first place. We might have been much more open with each other about our fears and he wouldn’t have hidden his worries about my safety with all of you.”

Carlisle was actually speechless for a moment, mouth opened with nothing to say in defense of his guilty feelings. He did try, though. “You’ve been through Hell. Living without Edward, thinking you’ve gone crazy and we might not exist, risking your life to hear Edward’s voice, fearing Victoria’s revenge, and a dozen other things. Why should you have to remember miniscule facts about my office after all that you’ve experienced?”

"You’ve been through Hell, too." Even I was surprised at how grave my voice sounded. "The entire time I was suffering in Forks, you were suffering in Ithaca. You suffered because you knew that your family wasn’t whole; it was short two members." Hopefully that wasn’t too arrogant of an assumption for me to make.

"Your son was all alone," I forged ahead with some difficulty, "forcing himself to be miserable in an effort to make me safe. The place you really considered home was on the other side of the country and off limits. You were no doubt worried about Jasper after what happened at the party. Alice was researching her human family half the time. Emmett and Rosalie were gone some of the time, too. Not to mention all of the smaller issues that came with the choice to leave Forks. Things like lying to the hospital, finding a new home and a new career and a new identity… My point is that you were hurting just like I was. And if that’s an excuse for not taking note of important details, then you have just as much right as I do."

"Vampire memory is supposed to be infallible," Carlisle murmured a bit embarrassedly. It wasn’t difficult to recognize how pitifully weak that argument was. I half-smiled, both victoriously and kindly, at him for his efforts. His shoulders slouched a bit in defeat.

"Can we cut to the chase?" I said softly, sincerely wanting to ease his conscience for good on this incident. "We both know that you’re no more to blame than I am for what happened Sunday night or Monday morning. It just happened. And actually, I think it may have been necessary after all. Before Sunday, I wasn’t really able to talk about what happened in Italy. Now, I can. I’m glad I had that episode. There’s no reason for you to feel bad about it, because I don’t even feel that way. You know what? I even think that, if I had to break down at all, it was the best place and time to fall apart like that. I was perfectly safe, Edward wasn’t there to panic about it, you know about everything supernatural in my life, you’re my doctor, you understand how to counter the panic; even more importantly, you didn’t go to Italy with us. I knew it wasn’t real when I heard your voice, because you hadn’t been in Volterra. Plus, other things could have made me remember Volterra and it might not have been in a good place when I started panicking over it; like school or something. So, nothing about that night should make you feel guilty. You really helped me heal."

A brief silence settled between us and I felt pretty proud of myself that Carlisle could not think of anything more to debate. Emotions flickered in his eyes at an inhuman rate, digesting the many things I had pointed out to him in our debate. A great deal of information like that would have probably have taken most humans several minutes to wade through, but in only a few moments, his perfect features cleared and he brightened almost imperceptibly with new understanding.

"Did you know that you’re terribly difficult to argue with?" Carlisle finally commented dryly, half-smiling with one golden brow raised.

"Would it be too childish of me to say I told you so?"

Bright laughter was his immediate response. “I suppose not. Even if you didn’t really tell me that at any point.”

"Funny," I mock glared at him for his remark, but the face didn’t last long while he was smiling so beatifically.

* * *

 


	14. Special

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

Kudos to anyone who can pick out the Gilbert O’Sullivan reference.

After seeing the Eclipse trailer about fifty times and staring at movie stills for hours, I have come to an epiphany… I LOVE Jasper’s appearance in Eclipse! Very sexy. And Alice is really cool looking, too.

Tevin is an original character of mine. Well, for the most part. In the New Moon film, when Edward is telling Bella about Carlisle’s time in Volterra, they show a vampire getting destroyed and then Carlisle looking away from it. The scene fit so well into my story that I had to include it. So, picture that when you think of Tevin. :)

> **Chapter 14: Special**

"Is there any more you’d like to talk about?" Carlisle asked me kindly after a few minutes had passed in silent contemplation, fingers interlocked and elbows resting on his knees.

"There’s not really much else to thrash out…" I answered after a minute of thought. "But there are things I should probably tell you about anyway."

Carlisle sat patiently, allowing me to settle my thoughts, before I started to name the various tidbits from this morning’s argument that I thought Edward’s father should know.

"Edward said he doesn’t like arguing with you," I decided to start with, feeling as though Carlisle needed more hope for his relationship with Edward.

"Really?" Carlisle looked optimistic, though he tempered it with reluctance. I suspected he didn’t want to hope for too much. Edward could be very temperamental, after all.

"He said he didn’t like being angry with you, either," I tacked on with a pleased smile. Carlisle smiled back, too, a bit less reluctant than before.

"It’s good to know," he remarked quietly.

"He also asked if… you thought he hated you," I hesitantly continued. It wasn’t clear if Carlisle would like this part or not. "I told him no, but… I hope you aren’t mad, but I told him you used to think that, in the beginning. He didn’t seem to like the idea much."

"Of course I’m not mad." Carlisle smiled assuredly, though distractedly, reaching over to pat my hand. "I think it’s better you explained it this way. At least now he knows I don’t think that way anymore."

"That’s true," I agreed.

After a moment more of silence, I then decided to go on with my points. The next one was a little harder to say, as I remembered the nearly painful promise Edward had made. “He also said the he won’t stop you from turning me… Or if I choose his way, he’ll keep his word and change me himself.”

"He actually said that?" Carlisle raised his brows in surprise, but appeared concerned as well. "You must truly have gotten beneath his veneer if he would promise that so absolutely."

"I’ll just bet I did," I sighed unhappily.

"I apologize," he offered tritely, his features tighter now. "That was thoughtless of me."

"Don’t worry over it," I shrugged, barely tugging up the corners of my mouth along with it. "It’s true, anyway. After all, I am pushing for Edward to revoke the promise he required from all of you. The one about not telling me the dark stuff in your history?"

"I rather suspected you might do that in the near future," Carlisle chuckled, to my surprise. "I just didn’t realize it would be this quick."

"Well, he didn’t actually agree yet," I muttered. "I’m working on it, though."

"I’m glad to hear it," he half-smiled. "Dark though some things may be in our past, you cannot come into our family blind to them."

We fell into comfortable silence, our thoughts tiding over our minds for a number of minutes, and it really was no surprise where my thoughts were going. ‘Dark things’ in the Cullens’ respective histories rapidly brought to mind my gripping nightmare of the previous morning. The incident with the Volturi was one of the darkest things I had yet experienced and it continued to terrorize me. The nightmare I’d faced was one major example of that terror.

All the same, what I had told Carlisle was no less true. I was glad that I had panicked in the manner I did and with the person that I did. It really did help that neither Alice nor Edward were present when the panic attack took hold. I would likely have thought they were still with me in the presence of the Volturi and panicked further. But Carlisle had been in Ithaca and therefore had no reason to be in Volterra at the time.

‘ _But Carlisle has been in Volterra before,’_ some part of my mind whispered. _'He's no stranger to the Volturi.'_

I shuddered a little at the thought, without really knowing why, and Carlisle squeezed my shoulder in sympathy and concern. Looking closely at him then, seeing his kindness and gentleness so blatantly displayed in his features, I realized why almost immediately.

It was because I feared for this compassionate vampire in the presence of such violent and careless beings as Aro and Jane and Felix; this was exactly how I’d felt when I imagined the wolves attacking Carlisle. A mixture of fear and protectiveness grasped me tightly. Where it concerned the Italian coven, however, I was far more afraid than protective. With the wolves, I knew I had the advantage of being both a human and a friend; I could stave off the Pack if need be. But I knew just how little I could do to protect anyone from the Volturi.

How the peaceful and compassionate Carlisle Cullen had _ever_ spent any length of time with the heartless vampires of Italy was beyond me… He was lonely, though, I couldn’t help thinking. For almost two-and-a-half centuries, Edward’s father had lived in isolation, having no mate and no coven to speak of. Change was his only consistent companion. He traveled, studied, lied, and moved away before his halted age and inhuman attributes could reveal him for what he was. Sympathy welled up in me for his long struggle, but still I could see no reason for which he would spend such a length of time with them. A couple of years? Maybe. But not decades.

It seemed almost cruel to ask about something that probably pained him after what happened with Edward, Alice, and me. I truly couldn’t fathom it, though. And although there were many things to discuss about the Cullens’ past, this was one thing I had to understand. I had seen just how low the Volturi would stoop. For Carlisle to have been ‘friends’ with Aro was nearly incomprehensible.

"Carlisle," I began warily, uncomfortable with the topic I wished to talk about, but needing to know for some reason I had yet to perceive. I bit my lip in apprehension as I looked over at him. "There’s something – well, I can’t really understand it. I was hoping that you… I know it’s not really my business. And it was a long time ago, but—"

"Bella, you need only ask," he assured me, smiling slightly. Despite his smile, I had the feeling he knew what I might be thinking about. There was a certain glint in his eye that gave it away. "I’ll do my best to explain."

Nodding and gulping in a big breath for courage, I stumbled a bit over my question, “Why did you… I mean, h-how could you have… spent so much time in Volterra?”

The wording didn’t really come out how I wanted it to, but the foundation was clear enough for him to comprehend. Carlisle, too, inhaled a large breath, unnecessary though it was for him.

"I know it may seem impossible," he started, golden eyes focused intently, almost pleadingly, on mine, "that I found common ground with any of the Volturi. Clearly, you saw some of the worst of their behavior."

All the blood rushed out of my face when I remembered Edward’s diamond-hard skin cracking under the weight of Jane’s gaze, and the poor little woman with a rosary clutched in her fingers, walking to what she knew instinctively was her imminent death. The latter thought made my stomach lurch unpleasantly and I grimaced harshly; my light lunch seemed as though it wanted out of me right then and there. A hard swallow brought me back into focus, somewhat, but the sick feeling did not completely leave.

"Some of their _worst_ behavior,” Carlisle repeated, his aggrieved tone and depressed features caught my attention. His smooth features were severe in their sadness. “I am so sorry for what you saw.”

"I just can’t see it," I offered the comment quietly instead of responding directly, pushing away my memories as best I could. "You’re the antithesis to everything they stand for. And… I hate the thought of you being forced to watch humans dying like that. Or seeing other vampires destroyed if they exposed themselves."

Carlisle sighed heavily, deeply, closing his eyes tight against something I could only guess I would never want to see. In a familiar gesture, the golden-eyed vampire raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. I wondered who had started that gesture, Carlisle or Edward, before the former spoke again.

"I cannot say that they were the happiest times of my existence," he murmured, a hint of his British accent leaking through that held my interest. I wondered briefly if he had any difficulty repressing his native speech, as Edward did, or if it was something he had easily picked up while living in America.

"Then why?" I couldn’t stop myself from asking again, stressing the ‘why’ in my desperation to understand.

"I was alone," he murmured still, pulling his hand away from his face only to gaze unseeingly at the floor, heaven-knew-what going through his mind. "I’d met some vampires in my travels, but none that I could remain with. I was a stranger to them, an altogether new type of creature for my feeding habits. My odd meal preferences and my wish to help humans… these things were frightening to other vampires. Too frightening for me to be accepted into their covens, at any rate. They worried that something was wrong with me and that I might suddenly turn on them, I think. So I moved on, and kept moving, until I came to Italy. Strange though I was to them, the Volturi were fascinated by me. Aro, in particular, took a liking to me. They had no need to fear me, since they could easily dispatch with my presence if need be."

The idea of the Volturi ‘dispatching’ with Edward’s father made me shiver, a fact which Carlisle abruptly noticed. He reached to the back of the couch and attempted to tuck a blanket around me, but I swiftly burrowed into his side beneath his lifted arm and pushed away the offered item, much to his surprise.

"You are shivering," he remarked confusedly, still holding the blanket up as if waiting for me to accept it.

"Not because I’m cold," I muttered uncomfortably.

He froze only a moment, before laying the blanket on me anyway and tucking his arm around my shoulders comfortingly. Admittedly, the fabric now covering me felt secure for some reason, though it may have had something to do with Carlisle’s icy arm, too. “Do want me to stop?”

"No," I shook my head in the negative. "I’ll be okay."

"If you’re sure," he allowed, and moved on when I nodded. "As I said, they were not afraid of me for my unique lifestyle. They could easily eradicate any trouble it might cause, especially seeing as I lived amongst them rather than somewhere else in the city. So they were curious, rather than wary. The curiosity lasted for almost a decade, but after that they simply became used to my ways. Aro turned to my mental faculties with interest once the novelty of my choice had worn off. We discussed a great many things for a few decades. It seemed as though the list of topics would be endless and we would never tire of our discussions, of all that we learned."

In spite of my previous curiosity, that much made sense about Carlisle. He was forever curious, himself. The wealth of knowledge and learning that could be found in Volterra had definitely lured him into staying longer that he might otherwise have done.

"Unfortunately," Carlisle changed tack slightly, "often enough in my last decade with the brothers, I unaccountably found myself faced with their horrible meal times when I needed to hunt the most."

"No," I winced and shuddered again. Carlisle hugged me gently in reassurance.

"I never folded…" he sighed, which I of course already knew, "but it became disheartening to watch. And it was frustrating because I quickly realized someone was doing it purposely, as did Aro, but he had not yet determined who was responsible. Believe it or not, he was displeased that I was being treated thus."

I raised a brow doubtfully, though Carlisle could not see my face. Perhaps Aro had simply disliked someone rerouting his power. But even as frightened as I had been by Aro’s behavior in Volterra, I couldn’t imagine him wishing ill upon Carlisle. Maybe it was naïve of me, but from Edward’s and Carlisle’s descriptions, it truly felt as though Aro liked Carlisle in a way. I couldn’t think why else he would want a vampire without any special abilities to stay at his home for decades.

"Did you ever find out who was doing it?" I asked, glancing up at Carlisle.

"Yes," he nodded once, if a bit grimly, "though not without error."

"What do you mean?" My brows furrowed in a show of my confusion.

"At first, Aro’s suspicions fell upon one of the guards," Carlisle continued without answering my question, but I was no longer confused as to what he meant. This guard, if not more, must have paid for the deed, even if he didn’t commit it. "His name was Tevin. He had been a proud Scotsman in his human life, and then his family was murdered sometime in the 1680s by a nearby coven. From what little I know, he never recovered, even as a vampire his memories were very strong of that attack. He only survived to become a vampire because the Volturi interceded."

"Why were they in Scotland in the first place?" I couldn’t stop myself becoming suspicious. This sudden appearance in Tevin’s life was curious, to say the least. I had thought the Volturi rarely left Volterra, let alone Italy as a whole. How convenient that they would suddenly find themselves in the midst of this tragedy, right when it was happening.

"The coven that killed Tevin’s family had already gained a reputation for…" here Carlisle paused, pursing his lips a moment in thought. "Well, for being rather obvious in their habits, shall we say?"

Queasy though the notion made me, I knew perfectly well what he meant and that he had obviously edited some less… _savory_ description of this unknown coven’s habits.

"They were being too blatant about their abilities in front of humans?" I questioned, though the answer was clear to me.

"Yes, but specifically hunting," Carlisle smiled at me apologetically, no doubt remembering James and the subsequent disaster in Phoenix just as clearly as I did.

"So they were already coming to destroy this coven," I forced myself to go on, pushing thoughts of James and Victoria away. "And they got to them before Tevin—"

I couldn’t finish the thought. It was one thing to become part of a vampire coven because you found your soul mate or because you were already dying, but to watch your family slaughtered and then face this life alone… It was unbearable to imagine.

"Yes. His attacker was destroyed before Tevin was completely drained. Aro decided to wait until he had changed and then offered him a place in Volterra, not that I’m surprised." Carlisle released another sigh, this time regretful. "You see, physically, Tevin was just about the strongest vampire I’ve ever encountered. Stronger, even, than Felix or Emmett. And by the time I lived in Volterra, he was one the most skilled fighters you might find."

"Why was he suspected?"

Amazingly enough, talking about the Italian coven this way made me feel less afraid. Not of them personally, per se, but of the situation in general. Asking questions about them and seeing Carlisle’s view while he’d lived with them, made the Volturi less mysterious and more like a puzzle to be solved. That was infinitely easier than seeing them as an omniscient presence that held no rhyme or reason for their actions.

"He was the newest of the guard," Carlisle replied remorsefully. This vampire’s destruction must have hit him hard. Maybe he had even become something of a friend to this Tevin in the time he spent at Volterra. "Aro was reluctant to believe it of anyone close to him, so he accused Tevin. I tried to persuade him otherwise, but he would not move on this issue."

"I’m surprised he actually believed it was someone of his guard at all," I announced gravely. "Why would he accuse one of his own, instead of you, the outsider? I mean, not that I would want him to have done that, but it does seem odd."

"I’ve never been sure," he answered thoughtfully, "but I suppose it doesn’t really matter now."

"I guess not," I shrugged and nodded at the same time. There wasn’t much use for contemplating something so long past, since Carlisle was certainly never going to go back to Italy anyway, if he could absolutely help it. "So, how did you find out who was really responsible for rearranging the… meals?"

"After Tevin’s destruction, everything returned to normal," Carlisle responded somewhat darkly, "but within three years, it started up again. Aro was reluctant to discuss it, since he now had to look at those he trusted, but he did all the same. He found that I had earned Caius’ dislike. He was particularly hostile towards me and, though it was never admitted outright, I’m certain that Caius was jealous of my camaraderie with Aro. I still have no idea how he hid that for so many years, but it seemed he had."

"Or maybe Aro just never wanted to admit it before," was my tentative comment. Carlisle exhaled heavily at the suggestion.

"That is likely to be true," he admitted wearily, falling silent in morbid contemplation, I was sure. At least, that’s what his sad face told me.

"Go on," I poked him gently in his granite ribs so as to spare myself injury, prompting him to finish the story before he was too far gone in this downhearted mindset.

He chuckled slightly at me and began again, “Well, at any rate, Aro was certainly not willing to destroy Caius. He required that the changes stop, but we both knew that something _needed_ to change. It was at that point that I took stock of my life in Volterra. I had learned much while there, but quite frankly I could see the useless direction in which my existence would soon go if I remained there. So Aro and I discussed it. And I left within the next year for America.”

"Alone again, naturally," I grumbled darkly at that fact. Never would it make sense that someone as good as Carlisle should face loneliness for so long. It wasn’t right.

"Yes, I’m afraid so." Carlisle smiled appreciatively at me for my sentiment. "But it was because of that aloneness that I began the path to my family, isn’t it? That must count for something."

"Yeah, I guess," I sighed in mixed exasperation and resignation, but I knew what he said was very significant. If Carlisle had been joined by other vampires in America, he probably wouldn’t have been around humans enough to meet with his future family. He probably wouldn’t be here, sitting next me and discussing his life. And I would not have Edward and his family in my life at all. What a horrible thought that was.

"You’re right," I confessed quietly, not looking up at him. My nails became very fascinating all of sudden. "If you’d been with a coven when you came here, the Cullens wouldn’t exist. And I’d never find what I have with Edward."

"Exactly," Carlisle agreed equally as quietly. "If I had never felt lonely, I would not have thought of creating a companion. Edward would have died of the influenza, Esme would have been left in the morgue, Rosalie would have bled to death in the street, and Emmett would have been killed by that bear. I think Alice and Jasper would still have found each other, but without having seen my family, Alice may have went on to hunt humans. The two of them would have struggled endlessly with their lifestyle."

When he put it so plainly, I couldn’t help but see it in my mind’s eye. Who knew what might truly have gone on, had Carlisle never felt lonely, but I was pleased that we would never find out. The mere thought of Edward dying in Chicago ninety years ago was like a knife to my heart.

"That’s an awful life to imagine," I sniffed, struggling mightily with my emotions, but there was strength enough in me to withhold a sudden outcry.

"It can never happen." Carlisle’s voice was strong and sure, filling me with confidence as well.

"I know," I smiled shakily at him, but it was sincere all the same. "I just… have a vivid imagination."

"Yes, don’t we all," his voice took a downturn that I had not expected. Oh… wait. A gusty sigh of exasperation fell from my mouth as the truth hit me.

I just had to bring up my imagination after what happened on Sunday, didn’t I?

"Can we put that behind us?" I inquired of him more gently than my thoughts suggested, knowing how easily he would think me angry with him. "It’s over now. And plus, I told you already… it helped, okay? It helped to get out all of my terror and move on. _You_ helped.”

"All right," Carlisle actually chuckled at me, half-hearted though it was, throwing his right hand up in surrender. "I’m trying not to feel guilty about Sunday night… Honestly, though, I’m mostly thinking how quickly everyone seemed to imagine that you had killed yourself. I’m certainly glad you were alive and well… It’s so hard to think of Edward nearly…"

I was fairly certain he was going to say ‘dying’ at the end, but he withheld it at the very last moment. I was grateful for the reprieve from discussing Edward being torn apart and burned. A sharp flinch passed through me at the thoughts I was having. Stop it, I had to tell myself. Carlisle looked at me sympathetically and apologetically all at once for his near-miss. With another smile, small though it felt, I wordlessly forgave him his slip. And really, honestly, I did forgive it.

The only trouble was that now his comment had started my mind racing along a particular vein that I had never considered before.

Doubts began filling my mind. What if – but I pushed the fear away as quickly as I could. It wouldn’t make me feel better and there was no way that I would be telling Carlisle (or any of the Cullens, for that matter) about it any time soon. How could I do that to them?

And yet… How could I ever trust myself to not say something in my sleep and hurt Edward because of it? Talking in my sleep had already given us one of our biggest arguments ever.

Remembering Edward’s haunted, grieving features this morning and the strong discord between us brought all kinds of havoc down on my system. Tears came without warning, but I could not fight them off this time. It hurt too much to think of what might happen because of my words earlier today. And now, with that in mind, those horrible doubts didn’t seem so far off the mark. It was only what I deserved, if I could hurt Edward like that. The part of my mind that said this morning’s argument was necessary ended up in a dark corner as the fearful side took over.

"Bella, I’m dreadfully sorry," Carlisle sounded incredibly worried and it was no wonder as he looked at my face. Salty tears were leaking from my eyes like rain. "I shouldn’t have said that. I know it must be awful to think the possibility of that loss."

As much as I wanted to remain silent about my fears, he had again pulled my attention to the fact that if I died, so would Edward. That fact led to a reasonable explanation for my doubts. It was simple; if Edward died without me, it was only preventable by ensuring I did not die. So Carlisle would change me. And it was no surprise that the family behaved kindly towards me, even if they were only changing me out of necessity. Edward wanted me to be cared for, so care for me they would.

The whole thing was incredibly reasonable to my suddenly panicked brain, especially because Carlisle had outright refused to change me back in September. What could have changed since then? Only the fact that Edward now refused to live without me. It was the only difference between then and now. Or so my doubtful side insisted…

"No, it’s not that." I reached up to wipe the tears away and shook my head, pieces of hair swinging with the movement. "I’m sorry… I’m so quick to doubt."

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked in genuine confusion, reaching up a moment later to wipe more tears away with careful and gentle fingers, which only made more tears come.

"I… I started wondering and worrying… You know me, a-always thinking the worst…" it was challenging to explain without potentially hurting his feelings. Strange how I could doubt him and care about him like this at the same time.

"Bella, I don’t understand what you’re saying," Carlisle attempted to sooth me and it actually did quiet me for a moment. "What are you worrying about?"

"Did you agree to change me only to keep Edward alive?" the question that had plagued my mind so many times in recent weeks was finally out in the open. It was amazing how relieving it was, just to get it off my chest. But to my horror, I had half shouted it in just about the bluntest way possible. I never did go halfway, did I?

"What?" Carlisle asked blankly. He was staring at me, unblinkingly, as if I had just sprouted ten extra limbs. Or like I was crazy. His arm, still wrapped around my shoulders, was so still I could have sworn he was a statue.

"I could understand," I pressed on hurriedly, nervously, sitting up as best I could within the stiff encasement of his frozen arm and wringing my hands in anxiety while I lowered my eyes from his uncomprehending gaze.

"I would do the same thing, if I had to. I love him and I’d want him to be happy no matter what. Even if I had to change someone and bring them into the family when I didn’t really want to," I continued with increasing depression, the thoughts beginning to really take root in my head as I spoke them aloud. The strength of my emotions forced more tears down my cheeks. "You love him and you don’t want him to die, so I get it. I know you do what you have to. It makes total sense, right? I’m the one thing he won’t live without, so why not ensure I don’t die? Simple, huh? Just one more vampire, Edward would have his mate… It would be so easy for you to—"

"Isabella Marie!" Carlisle reprimanded all of sudden, overriding me completely. My mouth fell open in surprise at the fury on Carlisle’s features and in his golden eyes. I was utterly speechless as I subconsciously leaned back into his arm where it remained like a steel rod against my back. It made me feel incredibly fragile just then.

"How could you?" he kept on. Locked beneath his trembling arm as I was, my face was close enough to his that I felt very nervous. I wasn’t afraid of him; I instinctively knew he would never hurt me. Yet I knew that I had said a very bad thing and he was not going to take it lying down. "To think that you… How could you even _imagine_ such a dreadful thing? How could you think me capable of it? After all we have talked about this weekend… I’m thoroughly disappointed!”

Every word that escaped Carlisle’s mouth made me shrink further into myself, caused my eyes to steadily tear up once again. He was so right about this that it hurt. How many ways had he proven that he truly cared, not only this weekend, but since the moment I met him? But I hadn’t stopped to think about that before I rushed on with a half-cocked explanation of my own stupid, foolish insecurities. Could a person die from guilt and shame? I was seriously considering the possibility.

"I am incredibly stunned that you would entertain such doubts." The indignation still simmered beneath the surface of Carlisle’s enforced calm as he spoke. "I thought you trusted me."

His mouth moved as if to say more, but nothing seemed to be able to come out. Eventually, after tying a few more times to say something further, Carlisle rose stiffly from the sofa and stalked off into the kitchen and out of my sight.

I could do nothing, but sit there and fight back tears, after he had removed himself from my presence. Of all the awful, stupid, thoughtless things I had ever done, this had to be one of the worst. For many hours over the past four days, my thoughts had been filled with so much praise of Carlisle’s compassion and his kindness, but in mere seconds I allowed myself to believe something ludicrous because of a moment of doubt.

Inexcusable though this all was, the worst part was that I could feel how hurt Carlisle was. It was so strong it was almost a tangible thing. Underneath the indignation and disappointment, the hurt had settled like dead weight in his eyes. He was hurting so much already, ever since my birthday, but I just had to add to it, didn’t I? Guilt filled me so completely that I felt suffocated. I didn’t even think an apology would suffice for this… this senseless accusation.

Listlessly, I laid down, barely noticing that the clock marked a quarter after three as I burrowed into the blanket, buried my face in the pillow, and curled into a fetal position facing the back of the couch. I almost had the inclination to sleep, but all I could do was cry for my stupid, messed up life. The silent tears morphed not-so-surprisingly into heaving sobs that I gave myself over to.

It was amazing how unsurprised I was when, an indefinable amount of time later, slender arms pulled me up into an embrace and cold fingertips dried the muted flow of salt water on my cheeks.

"I’m sorry," I whispered to the woman I suspected was holding me. No matter which Cullen was holding me now, though, I owed them all an apology for what I’d said.

"Forgiven," Esme offered genuinely, confirming my suspicions and giving no indication that she was at all affected by what I’d said to her husband.

"Carlisle," I said his name so softly that I barely got it out at all.

"He’s better," she murmured against the top of my head, "but still a little confused and upset."

"I didn’t…. I’ve never… felt – thought that before."

"I’m very glad to hear that," she admitted quietly, running her fingers through my ratted hair very gently. "I was very surprised when Alice told me what you’d suggested to Carlisle."

"I’m sorry," I said again, tightening my eyes against further tears.

"I’ve already forgiven you." Esme’s voice was as warm as always, easing my conscience only a little. "So has Carlisle, for that matter. We just want to know why you would even think something like that."

I couldn’t risk looking up to see where Carlisle was. He was in the room; he had to be. I doubted he would miss hearing my explanation. But I didn’t dare look at him and chance seeing the hurt again.

"It was so stupid," I muttered shamefully. It was _incredibly_ stupid and at the present moment I actually wondered how I’d even considered such an idiotic idea, but I was unable to find words strong enough to describe just how high a level of stupidity I’d engaged in.

"Please don’t be offended," she almost sounded amused, "but I have to agree with you there."

A watery chuckle escaped me in response and I was startled to hear Carlisle do the same from somewhere very close by. “I’m not offended. It’s only the truth.”

After a pause, Esme asked, “What made you think it, Bella?”

It took a moment of absolute disgust with myself before I could answer her question, but finally I spit it out. “Carlisle said he was glad I was alive and well. Then he said he couldn’t imagine if Edward had – had died. So I was stupid enough to put the two together. If I die, then Edward will, too. And I started thinking about how much I’d hurt Edward this morning and how I don’t deserve him anyway and… and that of course if I hurt Edward so much, why would any of you want me around, unless you had to… so you could keep him alive—”

Esme and Carlisle both sucked in a sharp breath and rapidly, I cut off whatever ramblings I could add to my explanation. This was bad enough, apparently.

"Oh, Bella," Esme sighed sadly and gripped me in a mild bear hug. Carlisle, too, sighed, and before I knew it I was encased by two sets of freezing arms.

"You are more than worthy of Edward," Esme insisted sternly, kissing my forehead and then pulling away to look me straight in the eye. "You are not just a liability to be rid of, you are a part of our family. Carlisle has told you that over and over this weekend. You had better start believing it, Bella Swan. Do you understand me?"

The fierce love on her face was indisputable and I nearly smiled. “Yes, Esme.”

"All right, then," she nodded firmly and rose from the sofa with a small smile. "I’m making you dinner, by the way. Charlie should be home in an hour, so I’m going to get started."

She flashed into the kitchen before I could open my mouth to reply, but my mind quickly turned to the other set of arms that remained around my shoulders. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around Carlisle’s midsection tightly and hid my face in his chest.

"I’m so, so sorry," I mumbled into his shirt, twisting folds of the material in my hands. "It was so stupid of me. I should know better than that by now. I’m really sorry."

"I’ve already forgiven you," Carlisle told me decidedly, rubbing my back comfortingly. I pulled back slowly, sniffling along the way, and dared myself to look into his eyes. Warmth and, contrary to what he must have been feeling, understanding filled those golden pools.

"Do you ever stop being so kind?" I murmured ashamedly.

"Carlisle couldn’t be unkind if he _tried_ ,” Esme’s laughing voice reached us from the kitchen before Carlisle could respond, making me grin hesitantly at him, biting my lip to stifle the urge to widen my smile. He half-grinned back, shaking his head at his wife’s comment.

"You are incorrigible," he muttered back to the caramel-haired vampire.

"I have to be, to handle you!" she called out, her laughter wafting into the living room again, a sweet and warm sound that left me feeling at peace somehow. "Not many can claim that ability, thank you very much."

"That is true, my love," Carlisle chuckled with wickedly amused eyes, winking conspiratorially at me, and I couldn’t help smiling at their affectionate repertoire.

"Although," Esme continued, suddenly standing in the doorway to the living room, but paused a moment to gaze at me thoughtfully. I blushed a little under her appraising look, to which she smiled softly. "…there’s a human girl I know who appears to have quite a handle on it as well. For which I am very grateful."

Edward’s parents grinned at me, but it was a warm and kind gesture, not so much born of amusement as it was of pleasantry and appreciation. I flushed at this undue praise; I hadn’t done anything that anyone else wouldn’t have.

"Yeah, well, she’s just a weak little human," I said nonchalantly. "Nothing special, really."

My cheeks darkened further when Esme scoffed sternly, “What a horrendous understatement. You are far more than that, Bella Swan.”

"Many words could be used to describe you," Carlisle picked up where his mate left off, "but never ‘just’ anything. You are, indeed, special. An incredibly strong, intelligent, and tenderhearted young woman whom I am very pleased and honored to know."

My face was redder than an apple by the time he finished, Esme vigorously nodding her agreement with his words, and my response was a shy and quiet, “Thanks.”

Esme smiled widely at my easy assent and disappeared into the kitchen again.

"You are very welcome, my dear," Carlisle smiled softly, ruffling my long brown locks affectionately.

"But you know, I’m not the only special person around here," I spoke up suddenly, an idea catching in my mind. I smiled mischievously, feeling a little like Alice, and his golden features turned wary. "I know of this vampire…"

Carlisle began to grin, understanding where I was going with this.

"He turned against everything he was supposed to be," I went on quietly, still feeling awe over Carlisle’s unbelievable life so far. "He refused to hunt humans and became a doctor, so he could save people. And he’s never once tasted human blood. He’s just amazing like that."

"He is no more special than the others in his family," Carlisle countered my description with a fond tap beneath my chin. I disagreed completely with his assessment of himself, but had to think for a moment on how best to contest it.

Truth was, I had been thinking a lot about Carlisle the entire weekend. Now, I finally gained a more complete insight of what our relationship consisted of, and how it had evolved from that first meeting in the hospital last year.

Once I had come to the Cullens’ house and Edward told me Carlisle’s story, I was in awe of him. After James’ attack, the hospital stay in Phoenix had been painful, uncomfortable, and annoying, but Carlisle was very understanding of my bad manners during the time. The summer that followed, Carlisle had grown more affectionate towards me and I towards him. As my birthday rolled around, I came to trust him implicitly and considered him a friend of sorts. Our unfortunately necessary interlude in his office – when he had stitched me up and first explained the matter of a vampire’s soul – had sealed the friendship very solidly.

Since the return to Forks, Carlisle had become more than a friend; he slowly but surely filled the roles that Charlie wasn’t so good at. I loved my father, of course, and I knew he loved me; in the six months without Edward, Charlie had proven that adamantly. And there was no doubt that I would miss him a great deal after my transformation. Still, there was always a distance with Charlie that had nothing to do with my parents’ separation, just his personality. He was as stubborn as me, for one thing, which made it difficult to discuss things I found important, but that he might disagree with. Edward’s presence was a perfect example. Charlie was also not very affectionate; a tough love sort of guy. Impatience was another thing my father had in abundance, as well as a way of ignoring things he didn’t like. Again, Edward’s presence was a great example.

With Carlisle, there was never any hesitation in showing affection. He also had endless patience and understanding, it seemed (his forgiveness for my earlier assumption was proof enough of that), and I didn’t believe for one minute it was anything other than his natural personality coming to the fore. And he listened without immediately judging. Even more than that, however, I could relate to Carlisle. The resemblances were startlingly numerous. We both had grown up knowing hard-headed fathers who didn’t agree with our views of other people, neither of us wanted to ever hunt humans in our vampire existence, the two of us apologized quicker than we got angry, we were naturally curious, we hated to see others suffer, both of us saw the best in Edward even when he wasn’t showing it, and we felt the same about heaven and hell and vampire souls. I was sure there were other similarities, too, but Carlisle was waiting for my reply and I didn’t want to make him worry unnecessarily.

"You’re special to me," I confessed outright in the face of his diffident comment. He looked startled by my abrupt admission. "Do you know why?"

When he didn’t reply, I took it as my cue to explain, “I have Charlie’s eye color, his last name, his clumsiness, his stubbornness, his natural isolation, and I even inherited his inhibitions when it comes to emotions. I know that he loves me, is proud of me when I do good things, and wants to protect me like any dad out there. But there are a lot of things about a dad that Charlie just isn’t very good at…”

As my plaintive, apologetic words trailed into silence, cold fingers clasped my hands gently, the reassurance and encouragement I had been in need of. I looked up from my lap to find Carlisle looking seriously and a little sadly at me, but so understandingly.

"I know it might not seem fair to Charlie if I feel this way, but you’ve become as much of a dad to me as he has," I softly summed up my explanations. "That’s why you’re so special to me."

I was stunned by how quickly I had gotten choked up over this. My tear ducts were working again, making my vision a little blurred. Carlisle wasn’t far behind, minus the tears that would never fall from his eyes. His features became tight with emotion.

"Bella, I am honored," Carlisle murmured with a tiny upturn at the corners of his mouth. "I know I have hinted at it before, especially this weekend, but you should know that you are just as much my daughter as Edward is my son."

His arms encircled me tightly as he said the last few words, his chin atop my head and my face buried in his white button-up while the tears leaked out.

"Thanks… Dad."

I would probably never call him that again, but if only for a moment, it was like I was sitting at home on a normal day with my parents, two people who always loved each other and would never make me choose between them.

Before Charlie came home, hung up his gun belt, and called out ‘Hey, Bells’… this was my family.

* * *

 


	15. Spontaneous

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of _Twilight_. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc. _  
_

A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don’t see this as changing Stephenie Meyer’s canon storyline really, so I wouldn’t call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM’s universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.

I’m just guessing at the time Charlie gets off from work, but in the books he usually gets home about the time that Bella is making or finishing dinner. Based on that, I am saying he gets out of work some time between five and six o'clock.

A huge, unfathomable amount of hugs and gratitude to Eva! Without her input and encouragement, this story would have floundered. Thank you, Eva!

I am sad to say that this was the last chapter of  _Damages I: Carlisle_. Thank you all for coming this far with me and, of course, thanks to Stephenie Meyer for giving such a wonderful sandbox to play in. :D

The sequel  _Damages II: Rosalie_ has been posted!

> **Chapter 15: Spontaneous**

For a number of minutes Carlisle and I sat silently in the living room, the comfortable quiet broken only by the sounds of Esme tinkering around in the kitchen. I heard a couple of pots and pans clang lightly as they were set down on the counter or the stovetop, the metallic ring of moving silverware in the drawer, and ceramic scraping as plates were taken from the cupboard. She must have been moving at human speed, because otherwise I doubt I would have heard much of anything.

I had not moved from Carlisle’s embrace, but we were now leaning against the back of the couch, my head on his shoulder. Although I would have liked to stay in my comfortable position longer, it was already seven after five and Charlie was going to be home by six o’clock. As much as the chief admired Carlisle, I didn’t think his generosity would extend quite this far. After all, it was a dad-and-daughter type of embrace and it was highly doubtful that Charlie was willing to hand over that privilege so easily. With a small sigh of resignation, I pulled my self up into a sitting position (with difficulty, it may be said) while Carlisle slid his arm onto the back of the sofa.

"Ugh," was the first (rather inarticulate) thing that escaped me as I realized how convoluted my appearance must have been. I could sense every misplaced strand of hair and crooked piece of clothing, not to mention the sore and puffy feeling of my eyes after so many tears. Carlisle’s chuckling shook those thoughts from me temporarily, but made me scowl at him. A smile refused to be stamped down, however, especially considering how I knew I looked just then.

"That bad?" I sighed, this time with a long-suffering air, smile still playing about my lips.

"Not really," Carlisle answered with another chuckle. "It was just your reaction."

I snorted quietly in response, rising to head upstairs and freshen up. The process was a bit slow, since my body was beginning to ache all over again and in even more places now that more bruises had been given time to settle in. All the same… a brush, a splash of water, a bit of rearranging my apparel, and I was on my way back downstairs. Unluckily for me, my feet had a mind all their own after lying curled on a couch for hours. Once I hit the last step, I found myself with my eyes closed waiting for the impact. Instead of face-to-floor contact, I was suddenly being righted from my near-fall by Carlisle’s cold arms.

"You couldn’t resist, could you?" Esme teased from the kitchen, obviously having heard my near-mishap. Grumbling almost incoherently was my intelligent response, causing Edward’s parents to chuckle.

"It’s not like I ask for it," I muttered irritably, to which I quickly found myself in another embrace. Esme was now hugging me apologetically.

"I’m sorry," she chuckled again, pulling back to look me in the face. "My children are rubbing off on me, it seems."

"S’okay," I mumbled embarrassedly.

She disappeared into the kitchen again, leaving me to head back to the couch and slowly lower myself down beside Carlisle where he was already seated. It was now five-thirty.

"My hair doesn’t look like a haystack anymore, does it?" I asked him uncertainly, running a hand through my recently combed, long brown locks just in case. Embarrassing though it was to have to ask Carlisle, of all people, at least he had seen me looking worse.

"No, it doesn’t look at all like haystack." He practically smiled at my terminology, one golden brow raised in vague amusement.

"Blame Edward," I admitted with a blush. I didn’t know how Carlisle and Esme felt about Edward spending his nights with me. I’d never asked and I would have been blushing ten more shades of red if I asked the question now. They never commented on it, though, so perhaps they weren’t perturbed. After all, Edward was too paranoid about hurting me to do anything inappropriate. "It was the first morning he spent with me."

"I thought he had better manners," Esme scolded her first son aloud, making me giggle a little.

"He was new to this," the words left me unthinkingly and a fresh flush adorned my cheeks.

"Hm," Esme replied noncommittally, obviously displeased.

Still wanting to clear Edward’s name on this issue, I added, “I didn’t mind.”

Esme sighed in resignation to this additional thought. “Oh, I suppose that’s all right then.”

Carlisle checked his smile, but the corner of his mouth twitched vigorously all the same. My lips quivered with the effort to hold back my own amusement. The moment thankfully passed after a few seconds, leaving the two of us calm once more.

One unfortunate effect of my proximity to Carlisle emerged just then. His face was even closer than before and now the dark coloring of his eyes was all too visible to me.

"Your eyes," I couldn’t help blurting out, immediately wishing I had clapped a hand over my mouth before saying anything. As it was, I simply flushed pink in response.

"What about them?" he questioned confusedly. Apparently he had no idea what was wrong.

"The color," was my quiet admission.

There was now a conspicuous lack of sound from the kitchen. Esme must not have truly noticed Carlisle’s eye color today. Surprised at my observation, Carlisle suddenly disappeared from the living room, presumably to go check in the bathroom mirror upstairs. Upon his return seconds later, he appeared to be as confused as anybody could be.

"Strange," he murmured softly from his stance beside the couch and looking down at his hands. Unhappy was my first feeling when I followed his line of vision; those granite hands were trembling again. Practically imperceptible as it was on Saturday, but there just the same if you knew to look. "I just hunted a few days ago, after all."

Another silence stole over the house, uncomfortable and taut with confusion. Esme had clearly not regained movement and I had stilled as well. We were, I knew, both upset at my discovery. For Esme, it probably sounded unreal that her husband could be thirsty again after having hunted a mere three or four days prior. For me, it was because I was seeing Carlisle return to his odd fatigue. He continued looking over his hands with a deep frown until finally Esme appeared directly beside him, placing one slender hand on her husband’s bicep and the other on his forearm. The gesture would have been one of comfort if not for the anxiety in her grip.

"You should hunt again this weekend, don’t you think?" she suggested tensely, as if she knew he was going to refuse no matter what, searching his averted eyes almost frantically for some sort of reassurance. At last, Carlisle glanced at his wife, something like self-defiance and love and discomfort all rolled into one look.

"I doubt it," he said steadily and offered what was meant to be a calm smile, clearly planning to blow this off as nothing.

But he could not fool Esme. Nor could he fool me. His eyes were black as pitch.

"Carlisle, really," she insisted fervently yet softly, eyes tight and pained just like her hands. I had the oddest feeling that she had seen this strange phenomenon before. "I think you should go. You have the weekend free. We could just go a bit further North and find bigger game, something a little more substantial than what you fed from on Saturday. Please, I don’t like seeing you this way. Not after the last time…"

The last two sentences were so low in volume that I almost didn’t hear them, but now my feeling was pretty much confirmed. This had happened to Carlisle before and the only person with whom his seeming weakness had been either discussed or witnessed was Esme. Although I doubted very much that Esme had intended to reveal this particular piece of information in front of me, worry for her beloved husband was just too strong.

"It is wholly unnecessary." Carlisle smiled that little calm upturn again. Esme’s worry appeared to rise a notch at the sight of it and I could understand why. Something in it was so… off. Especially from Carlisle; it was rare for him to so carelessly disregard someone else’s concerns, Esme’s most of all.

It was then that I realized his show of calm was as much for himself as it was for his wife and me. Carlisle wasn’t hiding this away out of pride or carelessness. He was genuinely afraid of it. Perhaps not that this was happening, so much as what was causing it in the first place. Because after what Esme’s words implied, I fully believed that Carlisle knew what the cause was.

But Carlisle would still not hunt. Not until another week-and-a-half had passed, anyway. He would be stubborn and convince himself he was all right. There had to be something I could do to change it…

Then an idea struck me. An idea so foolproof and Alice-like that I felt proud in a strange way. My spiky-haired friend _did_ get things done, after all.

Plaintively I asked, “Will you go anyway?”

Esme’s eyes were encouraging, in the wish that my pleading would change the good doctor’s mind. Carlisle looked back to me with a similar look to the first one he’d given Esme, but I pressed on insistently. “I know you don’t need it.”

Lie number one, but who was counting?

"I mean, it’s only been three days since you last hunted… It’s for Edward, actually."

Lie number two. Well… more like ‘half-truth’, but what difference did that make?

"He really needs to talk to someone about today and I can’t think of anyone else he would go to. But you know how he is. He won’t want to discuss it unless you two are out there alone, able to talk one-on-one, without interruption… Please?"

No doubt Carlisle was suspicious of my reasoning, but he would not refuse to help his son. I knew it.

"Please?" I employed my pleading technique, anxious face and all. But really, it wasn’t necessary to act; I felt that way naturally about Edward’s wellbeing. And he and Carlisle did need to talk to each other. "He needs you."

And that was all it took. “I will, then,” Carlisle conceded instantly, barely repressing a mildly hopeful look that his problem would then be solved. Esme did not hold back, though, and a sigh of relief fell from her lips.

Carlisle turned to gaze at her with such gentleness in his dark eyes that I looked away for a minute or two, feeling like an intruder on this tender moment between them.

"Forgive me," he breathed quietly. It was a strain to hear the words.

His mate made no sound, but from the corner of my eye of I could see her leaning up to her husband’s lowered head and murmuring directly into his ear. I could not discern what she told him and decided I did not need to. Within seconds, Esme disappeared into the kitchen again, presumably finishing dinner, while Carlisle sat back down beside me. And it seemed as though nothing at all had happened since the moment when I had come back downstairs. Shrugging a little, I laid down on my side of the couch and burrowed down into the two cushions I occupied.

Charlie’s cruiser pulling into the driveway a few minutes later brought a jolt to my system; abruptly, I was back to the reality outside of our three-person bubble. My head snapped up practically of its own accord at the slamming car door. It was with much surprise that I peered over at Carlisle to find him with five sheets of completed paperwork already setting on the coffee table in front of him, spread out almost like a hand of cards. Another piece, half-completed, sat atop a clipboard of other papers on his knee and his pen was moving across the page at such a velocity that I could only gape in stunned silence. The speed at which the writing appeared on the page made my head positively swim. Sensing my gaze, the golden vampire moved to wink inconspicuously at me and reached over to tap my jaw back up into place from where it had fallen open. Just as Charlie came clumping up to the door, Carlisle’s hand returned to normal, as if he had not just finished several sheets of work in about five minutes or less.

"Did you _just_ …?” I whispered rapidly, but I couldn’t quite phrase the question without sounding (or at least feeling) idiotic. Edward’s father just smiled indulgently.

"Yes, just now," he admitted quietly and quickly (and rather amusedly).

While Charlie opened the door, I shook my head in vague exasperation and settled back onto my pillow.

"Hey, Bells," came the routine sentiment from my father before he’d even glanced up from taking off his gun belt.

"Hey Dad," I responded simply, watching him hang the gun up on the rack.

When he did look up, Charlie appeared very pleased to find Dr. Cullen so obviously watching over me. “Carlisle, thanks for looking after my girl.”

"A pleasure, Charlie," Carlisle smiled congenially at the chief. "Bella is very pleasant company. And really it was just as beneficial for me, as you can see."

Carlisle gestured at the spread of completed papers before him and Charlie chuckled at the sight of the golden-haired doctor’s extensive work. It was no secret how much my father hated paperwork, so his sympathy was in no way unexpected.

At that moment, Esme must have stepped out from kitchen, if Carlisle’s and Charlie’s looks in that direction were any indication. Carlisle was looking with all the love he felt for her, but Charlie… A quiet giggle escaped me at the slightly dumbfounded look on his face. Esme was the one Cullen which Charlie had rarely seen and on those rare occasions, he had ended up rather tongue-tied thanks to her unique attractiveness. Despite all three of the Cullen women being particularly appealing, something about Esme was very womanly and lovely compared to Alice’s perky girlish look and Rosalie’s supermodel silhouette. Once he caught Charlie’s expression, Carlisle’s lips thinned in an effort to repress a strange mixture of grimace and grin. Amusing though the chief’s reaction might be, on some levels Carlisle still retained the protectiveness of mate defending mate (or more accurately in this case, husband defending wife). I wondered if it had anything to do with the situation of his eye color and fatigue.

"My wife was eager to see Bella again," Carlisle said by way of belated introduction. I couldn’t help but notice the slight emphasis on ‘my wife’ and nearly giggled again. The golden-haired vampire caught my amused face and looked a bit shamefaced for his possessive reaction. I just shook my head in a pacifying way.

"Hello, Charlie," Esme spoke in her gentle way, hands clasped before her as she smiled at my dad. She must have decided it was okay to follow her husband’s example with the name issue. "I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of making dinner. I didn’t want Bella to chance straining her back at all."

"Uh… of course," Charlie recovered, all but shaking his head like a wet dog in order to clear his head. "That was kind of you, but what about your family?"

"It’s no trouble at all. Edward offered to cook while I came over. He’s wonderful about that." Esme smiled wider and I could detect the mischief in her face as she mentioned the nonexistent dinner for her family. Charlie looked a little put out at the subtle reminder that Edward was so willing to take care of others. My lips turned up in a small, sad smile at the thought of Edward making dinner for me.

Esme gestured behind herself, towards the kitchen. “Dinner’s ready for you and Bella, so I’ll head home now.”

"Make sure Alice hasn’t tried to take over for Edward," Carlisle grinned mildly, keeping his teeth from showing too much. (Not that such simple exposure would have made him look very fierce, but at least he was thoughtful about it anyhow.)

Gasping, I looked up in false horror. “No! That’d be a catastrophe!”

The three of us shared a small laugh, Charlie looking both offended that we were criticizing Alice and amused at this piece of information. He opened his mouth, likely to defend my best friend since he liked her so much, when a phone started ringing. It was not the same ring tone that Carlisle used, so I gathered it was Esme.

"Excuse me," she said and pulled out a cell phone from her pocket as she headed out onto the front porch. Carlisle looked a little distracted and I imagined he was listening to her conversation from here.

"Why don’t you go eat, dad?" I suggested to Charlie.

"I’ll get you something first," he offered, rocking back and forth on his heels indecisively.

"I’ll come out there with you," I insisted easily. I was feeling a lot better from earlier and I was actually hungry, too. Aches and pains could be dealt with, hunger not so much.

"Do you think she should?" Charlie turned to Carlisle for a second opinion. Rolling my eyes seemed an appropriate response.

"I don’t see why not," Carlisle masterfully retained a placid expression at my reaction. "They’re only bruises, after all."

Nodding his almost-grave acceptance of that diagnosis, Charlie then started to lean forward to help me up from the couch.

"Ch–Dad," I sighed and scoffed irritably, scowling at him for standing there when I was about to make undignified attempts to sit up. "I’m not crippled, you know."

Flustered by his slight overreaction, Charlie gave another nod and walked into the kitchen.

In spite of my assurances to my father, I did accept Carlisle’s wordless offer to help me stand without falling over. Blushing madly, yes, but accepting all the same. Thankfully Charlie could not see this from the kitchen, else I doubted it would go over well. Carlisle’s eyes were greatly amused by my actions, but he said nothing.

Standing, uncomfortable but mostly steady, I made my way into the kitchen to find that Charlie had put some of Esme’s casserole on a plate for me anyway. The action reminded me of when he’d put snow chains on my truck last year and I was touched by the simple care it displayed.

Esme came in barely a moment later, a little smile on her face, and gestured for Charlie to join her in the living room. Confused, but trusting, he followed. I could hear Esme and Carlisle both talking softly with Charlie, but not what they were actually saying. Chuckling and a low, murmured reply from my father confused me. Before I could ask, Esme came out to the kitchen with Charlie right behind her.

"Alice is on her way," she explained.

"Really?" I said happily. This must have been what they were telling Charlie. Esme just wanted to surprise me with the information herself, probably. I would be glad to see Alice. Hopefully she would have more to explain about what might happen in the near future. And though her schemes could be annoying, I really did like spending time with her.

"In about ten minutes." Esme smiled at widely at my enthusiasm, then left the room to sit with Carlisle, or so I assumed. I ate my small portion of casserole very quickly, finishing just as the ten minutes came to an end. Charlie chuckled in understanding of my rush, seeing the obvious excitement in my face. I was about to wash my dish and fork, but Charlie scowled and made me leave it in the sink for him to do later. He was almost as excited as I was, but still was taking his time eating. It was some of the best he’d ever had, that much was clear.

Back in the living room, Esme was settled right beside Carlisle on the couch. The doctor had plainly abandoned his pen in favor of wrapping an arm about his wife’s shoulders.

It was twelve minutes since the phone call now as I sat beside Esme, yet no car pulled up outside and no one knocked at our door, nor were there any phone calls. The two vampires at my side were unperturbed, however, so I remained reluctantly silent until Esme stood from the couch to walk towards the front door. When she opened it, there was Alice grinning like a Cheshire cat and winking at me. The pixielike vampire popped inside with a hug for her adoptive mother and flounced over to an indulgent Carlisle to do the same.

"Hey Alice," I murmured as she kissed my cheek and very gently embraced my shoulders before rushing off to the kitchen.

"Hi, Charlie!" came her perky voice.

"Alice, it’s nice to see you," he replied. It was easy to imagine him with a crinkly-eyed smile for my best friend. "You haven’t been around to visit Bella in a while."

Which was really code for Charlie missing Alice’s visits. She could have moved in with us and he wouldn’t have minded. It was like another daughter for him, though one who was infinitely better behaved and much sweeter in temperament. At least that’s what Charlie thought, based on our comparative behaviors.

"She was with me the whole weekend, Charlie," Alice giggled in genuine amusement. "So can I stay? Please? I can help Bella so she doesn’t have to move around for her books so much. All my homework’s done, like Carlisle told you it would be. Please?"

Alice was staying the night? The thought made me pretty cheerful. It was excellent, exactly what I needed. We could talk about what was happening with everyone and maybe test possible futures to see how to solve our dilemmas. The girly sleepover stuff could be dropped, of course.

Despite this stray thought, laughter was bubbling in my stomach, although I pushed it down admirably. Alice sounded just like a little, excitable child. And to hear her talk about doing her homework nearly made me snort. Carlisle and Esme looked equally as amused by this display, only half-concealing their grins.

"Well, as long as your parents agree," Charlie did not sound reluctant at all, though he was obviously trying to seem that way. I didn’t quite understand why he was, but I guessed he thought he was keeping Alice and me on tenterhooks.

Alice on tenterhooks… I really _did_ snort at that. Quietly, of course.

"Carlisle, Esme?" Charlie called out unnecessarily loudly for vampires, not that he would know that. "What do you think?"

Alice danced into the doorway, gazing at her parents with pure mischief on her face. She appeared to be vibrating on the spot out of sheer energy.

"I certainly agree," Esme called back, still smiling. I imagined she found it quite a joy to be able to act like the true parent of a ‘growing’ teenager.

"Yes, of course," Carlisle chuckled.

"Well, that’s settled, then," Charlie acquiesced simply, giving up on his little act. Alice squealed in genuine excitement and hugged me again. Whether it was out of sheer joy or for lack of something productive to do, I wasn’t sure.

"I _knew_ you’d agree!” Alice exclaimed laughingly and the bad pun caused me to roll my eyes. “I have my things in the car already.”

At that everyone laughed, including Charlie, while Alice rushed outside at a barely passable human-paced sprint.

"I’d better be going," Esme excused herself, calling out to my dad in the kitchen, "Have a good night, Charlie."

"You, too, Esme," he called back, "Thanks again."

"Of course." She agreed congenially, smiling as she reached over to hug me. "Good night, Bella. It was wonderful to see you again."

"Thanks for everything, Esme," I said, but reverted to a quiet murmur that Charlie couldn’t hear, and I (although I wished otherwise) could not hide from Carlisle. "Maybe you could tell Edward about hunting this weekend. He might need some time to think more calmly about it."

"I will," she whispered the promise to me, then pulled away and turned to Carlisle with a loving smile. He returned the smile wordlessly, rising to kiss her a temporary goodbye before letting her head out.

Upon Alice’s fully-armed return, she proceeded to drag (or perhaps ‘coerce’ was a better word) me upstairs amidst laughter from our fathers. I was made to sit on the bed quietly, a blanket around my shoulders, while she started to dig through four different huge designer bags full of clothes and other items, for something she had yet to explain to me. She was taking quite a while to look in her things.

In each of Alice’s bags there were things that, from all outward appearances, Alice had been searching for and not known where they were. (Somewhere in the midst of this, Charlie had turned a game on downstairs. It was clear already that his chosen team was losing and I hoped he wasn’t making Carlisle cringe too much.) That was very odd behavior for my future-reading best friend, but I guessed there was a reason for it. There always was.

"Ha!" exhaled Alice one last time, pulling back from the last bag with a triumphant smile.

Clutched in her hands were two rectangular packages, wrapped in shiny gold paper showing bunches of holly and snow-covered evergreens. One box was flat and wide, but the other was shaped something like a shoe box. My bewilderment cleared up rapidly at this and the decidedly Christmas-like paper.

"Alice, if all of this is what I think it is…" I let the thought hang there threateningly, gesturing at the other bags beside her. I would not have wanted Christmas presents. Not when I barely could afford presents for their entire family by myself. Plus, this past Christmas was not one I would care to commemorate in very much detail.

"Shut up and open it," she insisted with a roll of her eyes, talking very quietly indeed. "It won’t hurt you to be a bit spoiled. I expect you had a lousy Christmas, all things considered. Besides, buying these helped us cope with the first December we’ve ever had without Edward there. Even Rosalie got something, although it was likely more to keep Emmett from sulking than anything else. Still, she did get something all the same… And honestly, we never thought we would be able to give them to you anyway. Whatever you might have said about it didn’t concern us at the time and what we spent didn’t matter much. After Christmas, everyone wanted to pack them away somewhere. It was just too sad to think about. I kept them, though, thinking they would at least be tangible reminders of you in the future, even if you weren’t with us."

There wasn’t much I could say to all that without sounding heartless and extremely ungrateful. That they all thought of me that much in the first place was gratifying. I could at least give them the satisfaction of knowing their efforts were not wasted.

"Pushy," I mumbled good-naturedly, causing Alice to smile indulgently.

The two gifts were placed on my lap, shoe box on top. I’d almost begun to pull the paper off, when the thought of what happened at my birthday struck me dumb.

"Alice." I bit my lip in worry. "Are you sure…"

"Oh, you’ll be fine," she said dismissively, waving my worries off. "Esme’s been gone for several minutes and I can manage if you bleed a little. Carlisle just left, too, not that you need to worry about him anyway. Go on. It’s from me."

With a small sigh that I hadn’t been able to tell Carlisle goodbye, I did as instructed, tearing open what I assumed was a shoe box with mildly trembling fingers. I was right of course; it was a pair of dark gray, velvet ballet flats with a subtle, but intricate design patterned on the material and a very thin black trim where the velvet met the nearly-unseen sole of the shoe. They were too much, of course, but I moved onto the second gift, the flat box, all the same.

What I found was an outfit, of course. It shouldn’t really have surprised me. A knee-length, dark gray skirt with tulle underlay was folded neatly atop a brand new blouse. The top was bit flashier than I might normally wear, but altogether rather pretty, in the exact same color as the one Edward had complimented on our first ‘date’ at _La Bella Italia_ in Port Angeles. Alice obviously knew Edward loved that color on me.

Before I could thank her, my spiky-haired friend placed another flat box on my lap, slightly smaller than the previous one and held within paper that looked like an intricate collage of old Victorian winter postcards. Snow was in every image.

Brows furrowed, I tore the wrapping away and opened the white cardboard it had covered to find a thin, black velvet box encased therein. It was plain, but it wasn’t difficult to sense the richness of its contents. My fingers began to tremble again as I lifted the bronze-hinged lid, astounded by the silver jewelry set of a ring, bracelet, and necklace that was just visible beneath its thin foam protector. The metalwork was simple, but elegant at the same time, and within each piece were stunning blue sapphires which must have cost a small fortune.

"Esme chose them to match the outfit," was Alice’s simple explanation for such a grand gift.

Despite the blouse’s slightly audacious appearance and the much-too-expensive finery, I was stunned at how much I loved the whole outfit. Still, my instincts reared up at the price of those jewels and, indeed, the entire outfit.

"I know we were separated at the time, but… I kept thinking how pretty you would have looked if you’d worn it all for the New Year," Alice sighed sadly, not looking at all cheery about her very considerate gift. "Maybe at a little party I put on for the occasion…"

Silence weighted down the atmosphere in the room for a few minutes at the thought of what might have been, had the Cullens never left Forks.

"Thank you, Alice," I murmured gratefully, unable to reprimand the spending this once; not after what she had just confessed. My eyes were tearing up already. "I love it."

"Your welcome," she sighed again, happier knowing that I was actually appreciative of her efforts for once.

More carefully than I’d ever treated any of my clothes, I gently packed away the dressy ensemble and closed the packages back up to set them down beside me.

Alice had two packages of vastly opposing size in her hands now, but this time I did not complain or even grimace. These two were wrapped in bright green paper with jolly Santas and red-nosed reindeer printed all over. The paper was immature, childlike, and I had a good idea who it was from.

"From Emmett," Alice confirmed my guess, smiling benignly.

Opening the first, I was confronted with something folded into bubble wrap. Upending the box caused a brand new baseball to fall out of its wrappings and into my hand. Instead of a trademark, my first name was printed on it between the red lacing, the year beneath it. I officially had my own baseball, custom-made.

At first, I snorted with laughter at the sight of it, Alice giggling along with me. I could guess what Emmett was remembering with this. The first time I had joined them for vampire baseball.

I didn’t admire it very long before Alice was pushing the larger package into my hands. Hesitant, but kind of excited, I pulled up the lid to reveal an imitation baseball bat approximately fifteen inches long; the kind that they sold at touristy baseball museums. It seemed quite ordinary until I eyed the label on it. My name and the year were printed on it as well. Custom-made, once again.

"On one of his and Rosalie’s trips," Alice began to explain, so quietly I had to strain to hear, "they stopped at the Baseball Hall of Fame. There was a custom shop and he thought this would be funny, to commemorate the first time you’d been to one of our games."

Emmett’s thoughtfulness brought on a whole new level of emotions and I had to fight back more tears. Alice said nothing about it, but placed the bat and ball aside and handed me two much smaller gifts, this time wrapped in glitter-dusted silvery paper with white snowflakes occasionally emblazoned on it.

"Rosalie," she explained.

Inside were two key chains; one in the shape of a mini leather-covered baseball and the other a mini aluminum baseball bat. My name was once again scrawled across them. They weren’t very original when I considered the fact that Emmett’s had probably already been bought when Rosalie thought of these. Still, in spite of my mostly hostile relationship with the beautiful vampire so far, this seemed very well made and was quite thoughtful.

"Did she get it made herself?" I wondered quietly.

"Yes. Once she saw Emmett’s, she thought this might be all right."

I set both key chains carefully atop the other presents before surprising myself by eagerly taking my next gift. The paper was crimson with green and white ribbons surrounding pictures of ornamented Christmas trees, piles of presents, and stockings on a mantle. There was no snow on this one, but the words ‘Merry Christmas’ were interspersed with the pictures.

"Jasper?" I questioned Alice with a curious look.

"How’d you know?" she asked, just as curious.

"It just didn’t remind me of Carlisle," I answered with a shrug, frowning at the slight disappointment in Alice’s features. "They were the only two left. Although, I think it’s funny that there’s no snow on this wrapping paper, considering Jasper’s from Texas."

At that, Alice beamed and laughed a little. “That’s more like it.”

"Sorry to disappoint you," I snorted quietly. "I’ll make sure to channel Sherlock Holmes next time."

We both laughed, but my raven-haired friend seemed much more amused than the situation called for. Her body was absolutely shaking with laughter. Looking at her strangely, I pulled off the wrapping paper… and found exactly what made her so jubilant.

“ _A Study In Scarlet_ , by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,” I read aloud, stunned at the irony. Alice was laughing even harder, bent over double in her amusement. A grin began to spread across my face at the situation and I finally laughed with her.

Once we calmed down again, I shook my head exasperatedly and waited for Alice to explain.

"Jasper was always shocked by you," she started, a smile of good humor on her face. I was just as startled by that proclamation as Jasper was by me. "Especially this past summer. There were a lot of times where you’d observe something or someone and it would surprise the devil out of him. He thought the reminder of your detective skills was great."

"I… I didn’t know he thought that," I flushed red at the thought of Jasper’s admiration for my observational skills. Compared to a vampire, I couldn’t notice _that_ much more, could I?

"Of course not," she sighed again, returning to a somewhat melancholy persona. "He doesn’t come close enough for you to."

"We’ll fix it, Alice," was my firm response. "You know we can."

"You’re right," she admitted, the idea obviously bolstering her confidence. "…Well, obviously this one is from Carlisle."

She tapped the last gift to emphasize her point as she held it out to me. It was easily twice or three times the weight of the heaviest present, which was Emmett’s baseball bat. “Holy crow! What did he _buy_?”

She grinned mischievously at me in reply and I groaned. Whatever it was, I was sure to think it cost far too much.

In contrast to all the others, this paper had little of the traditional green-and-red, silver-and-gold color schemes. Deep blue and covered with beautiful images of the Nativity scene and the Star of Bethlehem, it was incredibly fitting. To say the package underneath shocked me would be a heinous understatement.

"The Cambridge Edition of the Works of Jane Austen," I breathed in amazement, reverently touching the front of the box set. "Nine volumes, in hardback… Wow."

"Picked it out himself." Alice smiled happily at me. "After that conversation you had about books, he had to get it—"

"Wait," I cut her off, popping up to stare at her elfin face in surprise. "He just got these? This week?"

"Yes, of course," she agreed impatiently. "In December he was so out of it that we didn’t tell him about our presents for you, but we were out shopping Monday night and he saw this set. He wanted to get it for you, but he knew you’d never accept it without a reason. So I suggested it as a belated Christmas gift. And there you have it."

My mind was whirling away with all the odd information Alice was telling me. One thing stood out, though. Why on earth would Carlisle be shopping with Alice?

"Carlisle went shopping?" I began slowly, trying to reason this out.

"Yes." She affirmed just as slowly, possibly doubting my sanity.

"With _you_?” I couldn’t help emphasizing the word ‘you’ in my curiosity.

"Yes." Alice looked mightily amused at my particular phrasing.

"Why in the heck would he do that?" burst from my mouth before I could check myself. Luckily for me, my best friend wasn’t at all offended. She burst into a giggling fit almost instantly.

"Trust me, it wasn’t my normal kind of shopping trip. Although…" Her smirk was monumentally wry as she turned quiet. "I have to admit, he’s a damn sight better at helping me pick out clothes than Jasper."

"Has he… _done_ that before?” My shock was palpable. Carlisle and Alice-esque-clothes-shopping did not mix in my mind. Not at all.

"Only a few times over the years," Alice waved her hand carelessly. "It was a last minute thing, usually after Jasper slipped up and didn’t dare go out in public because of his eyes."

"Why Carlisle, though?" I was so confused.

"Well, Esme is usually not very picky and doesn’t quite have the sort of fashion sense that I do. More than that, she thinks we look nice in almost anything anyway, so she’s not much help. Believe it or not, I hate shopping with Rosalie when I’m looking for my own wardrobe. It’s hard to get an opinion from someone who invests all their time in front of their own mirror. Obviously Emmett is fashion derelict. Edward has tried to help once or twice out of general nicety, but he’s pretty hopeless."

It still didn’t really make sense, but I guessed Carlisle was kind enough to do his best, honest enough not to lie about what looked nice and what didn’t, and patient enough to waste hours outside a fitting room where his daughter was trying on outfits. Yeah, that sounded like something he would do.

"So that leaves Carlisle?"

"Not exactly," she disagreed. "Carlisle is different from the others. I think it’s the time he lived in or something. Because it wasn’t until the nineteenth century that men started to wear such predictable styles of clothing. In the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, they actually matched colors and fabrics and such. Carlisle might have been influenced by that. Or maybe he just pays so much attention to people that he can guess what they’d look good in or what they might like."

"Maybe it’s a mixture of both," I suggested, when a funny picture came to mind. "You know, I can see it, actually… Carlisle in his black pants, blue work shirt, black sweater, and scarf, sitting in a padded chair outside of a girls fitting room, a medical journal in hand and an indulgent smile on his face whenever you pop out in a different outfit."

"How well you know him," Alice laughed brightly, folding over with glee. "But don’t forget all those mothers sitting out there, staring at him and wondering how my absent mother got so lucky."

To that we both doubled over, laughing like a couple of idiots about our silly little vision. Once we’d cooled our heels, my only response was, “Man, I’ve learned some unusual things today.”

"That you have," Alice nodded in affirmation.

"I’ll have to thank everyone," I sighed. "Especially Carlisle. I really hurt him with what I said today."

"He won’t want you to apologize again," she said sternly.

"Well, I won’t really be apologizing, will I?" I countered.

"Oh, fine," she sighed exasperatedly, reaching for something in one of the bags near her. "Anyway, go on and change. There’s still the sleepover stuff left to do, you know."

I groaned deeply at the thought and the thing she had pulled out, to which Alice practically cackled. If she wasn’t a vampire already, I would have sworn she was a witch. Ignoring her annoying grins and giggles, I headed to the bathroom to change into a ridiculous pair of satin pajamas.

Quite a while later I was stuck with a head of loose curls, a face-full of makeup, light salmon-colored fingernails, and coral toenails to match my pajamas. I guessed I should feel lucky that said pajamas were a coral hue (“You wear so many dark colors,” Alice had explained. “I figured a change would be good for you.”) and not Barbie pink, but that felt like a rather poor excuse. But, if I had to find a silver lining, at least my own personal torture was over. Alice, sitting cross-legged and clothed in a silky indigo pajama set, was just finishing her own ensemble now; champagne-painted fingernails, dark gold toenails, and the most dramatic cosmetics I had ever seen her wear before. Even with such theatrical flair, she was stunning. I felt like a Halloween science project in comparison.

"Oh, don’t go feeling inadequate," she rolled her eyes at me as she closed up the mascara. Her keen eyes clearly hadn’t missed my sudden slump. "You may not see yourself properly, but I do. You look perfect. Do you think I’d let you out of the hot seat if you didn’t?"

I hadn’t thought of that. It was quite true, though, wasn’t it? If Alice had believed my looks weren’t up to par, she would still be working on me probably. That made me feel better, somewhat, at least enough that I felt like getting up to clean the trash we’d left on the floor during the Guinea Pig session.

"I’ll help," Alice popped up too, her lip gloss the last of the products she’d used.

Together we put all of my presents back into their proper packaging, stored them on the shelf in my closet, picked up all the used wrapping paper, stowed the makeup and other products in Alice’s bags, and actually made my bed. Amazingly, Alice moved at a very human speed. I suspected she was quite enjoying her attempt at a human sleepover and wanted it to last a bit longer than it might otherwise have done. By the time we finished picking up, I was aching all over the place again and only too glad to let Alice rip out a couple of Aspirin for me.

Barely had I chugged down the pills when Alice stilled, eyes glazed with a vision. I nearly choked on my water at the sight.

"Alice?" I put a salmon-tipped hand on her shoulder worriedly, lowering my voice despite the mild panic I was feeling. "What is it? What did you see?"

"Edward," she said quietly as she came out of her hazy stare, turning to me with absolute calm that eased my worry. "He just wants to talk for a second. Nothing important."

"When?"

"One minute and thirty-four seconds," Alice promptly told me. Out of reflex, I glanced at the clock, startled to find that it was almost ten-thirty. The past four hours had gone by unbelievably quickly. "Charlie won’t hear anything, as long as you don’t shout or something. I’ll wait in the bathroom."

"You can still hear us. Might as well just stay." I shrugged indifferently.

"That’s true, but being physically present makes it a bit more awkward, don’t you think?"

"Kind of, but not that much," I shrugged a second time to emphasize my lack of worry on that. "Actually, it’ll probably be a lot more awkward if you leave, after what happened today."

"Hm," she puckered her brow in doubt, vision glazing over as she searched out futures once again. Once her eyes cleared a few moments later, there was dry humor there. "…You’re not kidding."

"Definitely not," came that oh-so-familiar velvet voice from the window. I turned half-excitedly, half-nervously to see Edward already standing in my room, right in front of the window.

"Hi, Edward," Alice greeted him blithely, standing fluidly and moving onto my desk chair in a lightning-quick movement.

"Hello, Alice," he greeted courteously in return, eyes riveted to mine, or more accurately, to me in general.

"Hey," I smiled anxiously at him, pulling him to sit with me on the bed and blushing furiously at his pleasantly appraising stare. His topaz eyes fairly smoldered.

"Bella," he whispered with a small smile for me. "You look absolutely stunning."

"Oh," I muttered, flushing crimson at his dauntless appreciation of my appearance. "Alice is to blame."

"Blame?" she piped up accusingly from the desk, a brow raised in challenge at my terminology.

"And here I was thinking I should thank her," Edward teased lightly, the corners of his mouth turned up wryly.

Outnumbered, I sat back with a scowl, but undeniably pleased that my vampire enjoyed the new appearance.

"I’m sorry," Edward apologized suddenly, eyes abruptly holding my gaze. I could tell that it wasn’t made in regard to his previous comment.

"What are you sorry for?" It took a bit of concentration to actually get the question out when he was looking so solidly into my face.

"The awkwardness," he explained quietly, though a small amount of humor still shone in his eyes, "but I had to see you for a minute."

"I don’t mind," I admitted bluntly, but flushed a deeper red.

"Oh," he smiled a little wider, probably at my heart rate, but turned his eyes down so that I was no longer overwhelmed by the rich depths of color.

A silence settled over the room, more awkward than I thought possible, until I realized Edward was having a very difficult time getting out something to say. If it was this awkward now, I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like without Alice present. Her humming in the background kept me from going crazy. Something that I wanted to explain came to mind, thankfully, so I decided to step in.

"You know that I didn’t mean quite what it sounded like?" I started, the words making little sense at first. "About forcing me to—"

I cut myself off immediately once his eyes tightened visibly. I felt horrible for putting that tension there in the first place.

"I didn’t think that you would… lose yourself." I was trying desperately to find ways of phrasing the situation that wouldn’t make us all cringe, although he already seemed to be doing that. "I never _once_ thought that you would… do that.”

"I know," Edward sighed with total weariness. "Alice said you didn’t mean it that way… It’s just… I’ve always worried."

"Believe me, that I _do_ know,” I commented dryly, making him chuckle.

Thoughtlessly, it seemed to me, Edward rubbed his hands along my satin-clad arms in a comforting manner. I was grateful for the familiar, loving sort of gestures he always used.

"Really," I continued with great trepidation, taking one of his hands in mine. My expression was pleading. "I didn’t believe you would ever – er – drink — Um, I mean… Ugh… I’m sorry, I don’t know how else to word it."

"It’s all right," he shook his head understandingly, leaning forward to kiss my cheek. "There are few ‘nice’ ways to put it."

"Still, it sounds awful that way," I persisted with a tired sigh of my own.

"The only thing that matters is you didn’t mean it that way," he reassured me firmly.

"You believe me? Completely?" I couldn’t exactly be sure that he wouldn’t still doubt my trust in his resistance.

"Completely, totally, utterly… yes," he agreed with a much brighter smile than the first two.

"Good." I smiled a little in return, but one matter still troubled me quite a lot.

"Will it be as awkward tomorrow?" was my tactless question.

Alice and Edward both laughed quietly, but fervently all the same. I found myself turning ten shades of red, though letting out a breath of laughter as well.

"No, I don’t think so," Edward finally answered, running a pensive hand through his messy bronze hair. "I’m glad you asked Esme to talk with me about the weekend, by the way. It did give me some time to think about it before Carlisle came home."

"So you’ll think about it?" Hope filled my voice.

"Yes, I will," he promised sincerely. "Hence why I’m not staying tonight as I usually do. You’re very distracting. I do truly need to think over things on my own… I am trying, Bella, I swear."

"I know you are," I placated him fervently. I wanted to make him understand that I sympathized with his struggle. It couldn’t be easy to uproot ninety years of beliefs. But I knew, also, that he had to do this. If he didn’t, we would continue to argue and eventually have disastrous consequences as result.

He smiled at me again, sweetly, and I couldn’t help but return it while he traced my jaw line with chilled fingers. “I love you.”

"I love you, too," I replied, leaning forward to wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest. His long arms came around my back and I felt his lips pressed to the top of my head.

"I’ll see you tomorrow," He murmured into my newly-curled hair.

He kissed my cheek again, clearly avoiding my painted lips, but I wasn’t having any of that. Quickly locking my hands around his neck, I pulled him down for a better kiss. Another laugh was muffled against my lips.

His eyes sparkled affably as he moved back from me, wiping lipstick and gloss from his mouth with a brilliant grin.

"Sleep well, love."

"I’ll try," was all I could promise him without his presence tonight. I was rewarded with smothered laughs from he and his pixielike sister before Edward swept out the window and into the night.

Alice gave me a few minutes to recover from the encounter with my vampire love, but all too soon I was forced to think about something else.

"Come on," my best friend rolled her eyes sarcastically at me, "Lovesickness doesn’t get you a good night’s sleep."

"No, but it sure gives me good dreams," I sighed just a bit too dreamily. Alice burst into giggles.

"Oh, shut up," I mumbled in embarrassment. "Like you wouldn’t feel the same with Jasper."

"Hm…" she hummed in a noncommittal way, but her eyes were amused. "Well, what do we talk about now?"

"I don’t know," I sighed and pulled myself up to sit against the headboard, not feeling the least bit tired. "Maybe we should try to plan out what we’ll be doing this coming weekend.

"Hmph, I’ll find something, then." Frustrated, Alice settled herself beside me, closing her eyes to search for a future, possibly to reveal topics we could discuss. When she didn’t snap right back out of it, I allowed my thoughts to wander.

The day had been a very strange one, even for my standards, full of spontaneous situations that I’d never expected to happen. The two biggest events were the argument with Edward, which I was relieved to see winding down to a manageable level between us, and the discussion-slash-argument between me and Carlisle. I was a little bothered when I remembered that I was unable to say goodbye to him earlier. He did a lot for me, not just today, but for a while now. I had wanted to thank him before he left.

Alice must have grasped something to talk about at that instant, because she suddenly flashed up from the bed and into her purse like lightning, then hopped back up next to me at almost the same moment.

"The guys went off to wrestle," she spoke rapidly, putting her cell phone in my grasp. "You can talk with Carlisle now if you want."

"Okay." I was slow to catch up with her speedy behavior, but I shook my head to clear it and pulled the phone to my ear after she dialed the number.

"Alice?" came Carlisle’s knowing voice a split-second later.

"Um, it’s Bella, actually," I told him tentatively.

"Is something wrong?" he sounded instantly worried.

"No, no," I reassured him quickly. "Nothing’s wrong, I just didn’t get to say bye before you left and – erm –"

I started to feel kind of silly, calling him just to say ‘goodbye’ for a moment that passed hours earlier. A blush crept onto my cheeks.

"Then I apologize," he replied and I could hear the smile in his voice. "I just thought you would like to spend your time with Alice while you have it."

"I do," I confessed frankly, "but I wanted to – to thank you. For everything that you’ve done since I’ve known you and especially for this weekend."

"I’m happy to have helped in any way I’m able," he assured me kindly. "And I am certain that I speak for the entire family when I say that you are worth it, Bella."

"I – I’d like to thank you for that. For bringing me a family, I mean. _Your_ family.” My voice caught absurdly as I explained my gratitude further. “If you’d never chosen this way of life, if you’d never come to the New World, if you’d never made a companion all those years ago… I just can’t imagine life without all of you in it. I’d hate it bitterly.”

There was a very brief pause, in which I was force to fight back the tears in my eyes. The back of my throat was tight from holding back the emotional flood.

"I cannot imagine it either. And I do not want to," Carlisle spoke again, sounding almost as choked up as I was. "You are so very welcome, sweetheart."

Nothing much else needed to be said and with little more than a ‘Good Night,’ we hung up. Tucking myself into Alice’s granite neck for a hopefully dreamless sleep as she pulled the covers up around me, I concluded something with a very definitive nod. Of all the conversations, arguments, and encounters I’d faced today, these last few words with Carlisle were decidedly the most spontaneous and the most beneficial of them all.

* * *

 


End file.
